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Internet Oracularities #1280

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Internet Oracularities #1280    (60 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 23 Aug 2002 13:45:08 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1280
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1280  60 votes akef1 68dkd 2bggf 29sh4 4dpe4 39nh8 6fhbb 8bij4 7ddk7 47fke
1280  3.2 mean  2.6   3.4   3.5   3.2   3.0   3.3   3.1   3.0   3.1   3.5


1280-01    (akef1 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Paul Kelly <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, whose high "C" will turn women's minds into putty,
>
> What is The Who's song "Squeezebox" about?  Don't tell
> me it's about an accordian, because everytime I tell my
> friends that they laugh at me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What does my fruit flavored juice drink have to do with women's
} putty-like minds?  I fail to see that connection and you've got me
} really lost now.
}
} Anyway, let's see your question was....  Ah yes.  You silly,
} putty-minded supplicant.  (Get it? Silly - Putty. Har, har, har!)
}
} No wonder your friends laugh at you.  You've fallen victim to the
} record industry again.
}
} The singing "professionals" in the music/record industry
} intentionally mispronounce and slur their words to lessen the
} temptation to steal/copy/or illegally distribute their musical works.
} Current popular music has to walk a delicate line between being just
} a bit catchy enough but not so overly desirable that the recording
} executives don't get the chance to wring every last dime out of the
} pockets of the crack-addicted dog trainers who purchase their products.
}
} The song you misunderstand titled as "Squeezebox" is in truth really
} "Sneeze Lox".
}
} It is a song about a dorky Jewish kid who has a bit of a digestive
} reflux problem. As the song CLEARLY says, "Hershel, oy, he's such a
} geschmickel. He ate his Lox with cream cheese and pickle. Then he was
} brushing his auburn locks, took a deep breath and he did SNEEZE LOX!
} Sneeze Lox! Sneeze Lox! I'm verklempt. He's just Sneeze Lox!"
}
} A tragic modern day song, indeed. Touching, rhythmic, vibrantly
} detailed.  Reminds me so much of that Gladys Knight classic - The
} night the lights went out in Georgia.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 45 album of any song by Brazil 66.


1280-02    (68dkd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Paul Kelly <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> --=-w6HQhj77K4vB5MNAnlUA
> Content-Type: text/plain
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
>
> O most psychedelic one,=20
>
> Why is weed illegal?
>
> --=-w6HQhj77K4vB5MNAnlUA

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It will make you go out of your MIME.


1280-03    (2bggf dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who knows all, you must answer me this:
>
> Which beverage is intended to make us happier -- coffee or beer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alas, both beer and coffee are merely things that happen to exist
} on your plane. They have no intentions, though their use can make
} some people feel 'happy' at times. It has a lot to do with where
} you're at and where you want to go, if anywhere. Hmm, here watch
} their effect on meat puppets considering The Big Three Questions.
}
} [A] Who am I?
}
}     Alcohol: Woo-hoo! I am PARTY ANIMAL! Yes. Turn up
}              the tunes, Let's ROCK!--- ergh, no feel well.
}              <vomit> Head hurt. Want to die.
}
}             Conclusion: I am a leaf swirling about in
}                         a whirlpool on one side of which
}                         is glee and the other liver damage.
}                         Woe, then Whoa Baby! Over and Over
}                         Again. Hand be a beer so I can start
}                         again.
}
}    Coffee: Must clean house. Read book. Drive fast. GET
}            OUTTA MY WAY! Fight. FIGHT. No sleep. Breath
}            like tin foil on fire. WHOA! What was that? My
}            nerves are shot. I am a nervous wreck.
}
}            Conclusion: I am a buzzing fly in a world full
}                        of too much to do. I will. I am a
}                        flame burning brightly, soon to
}                        go =pfft= and be gone. In meantime
}                        no sleep, must do things. Many
}                        things.
}
} [B] Where did I come from?
}
}     Alcohol: You can only come from one of two places.
}              Somewhere with booze: Store/party/Home
}              Somewhere without booze: Work/Jail
}              Goal: Maximize time at Booze Zones.
}
}              Conclusion: Humans came from liquid. The womb,
}                          the sea. It is our nature to avoid
}                          Dry Areas. Our Home sloshed, as do
}                          I. The Human body is comprised of
}                          90% of the prime ingredient of beer
}                          by the way. Case closed.
}
}     Coffee: I came from the library, the market, the street,
}             the video rental place, the dry cleaners, and
}             many other places all at once.
}
}             Conclusion: Where I came from meaningless since
}                         I wasn't there very long and I really
}                         shouldn't go back since I yelled at
}                         everyone there for moving so slow.
}
} [C] Where am I going?
}
}     Alcohol: Going to someplace where I get a drink.
}
}              Conclusion: Happiness is always elsewhere. Alcohol
}                          seen as vehicle of transport. Thus
}                          contentment is fleeting at best, but
}                          must have 'hair of the dog' or here
}                          will get worse by the second.
}
}     Coffee: Where am I going? To the bathroom. Back in a second.
}
}            Conclusion: Productivity constantly interrupted by
}                        needs imposed by nature. Must crack
}                        human genome and put an end to this.
}                        Where am I going? To a better future
}                        where people will have bladders the
}                        size of detroit, or an ability to
}                        sweat piss. Note to self: disable
}                        olfactory units as well.
}
} You owe the Oracle some water.


1280-04    (29sh4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, who is never let in any casinos.
>
> Me and my drinking buddy were thinking of finding out which one
> of us has more guts and could hold a hand longer in candle flame.
> Knowing that this would cause permanent burns, we decided learn
> the outcome instead by asking the Oracle.
>
> Me or Dave over there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Remember asbestos?  They used to use it in everything to prevent
} things from burning up, but then they found that workers who smoked
} and also breathed asbestos had a good chance of getting lung cancer.
} So now no one uses it anymore.
}
} Except Dave.  He has an asbestos implant in his hand, and he's hoping
} to trick YOU into getting serious burns while he makes money.  Not from
} you; he's got a side bet with Harry, your compulsive gambler friend.
}
} Now here's where it gets difficult, but bear with me.  If you'll go to
} the library, you'll find a book by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Goetz
} von Berlichingen."  It's about this guy with an iron hand.  Read the
} book, and then go to Germany and find the hand.  Remove your own hand
} and replace it with Goetz's.  He won't mind; he and his author buddy
} Johann Wolfgang died centuries ago.  When you win the contest, slap
} Harry on the back, and shake hands with Dave,  It'll serve 'em right.


1280-05    (4dpe4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you recognize the true friends in the crowd?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When you find someone who looks like Lisa Kudrow, Jennifer Aniston, or
} Matthew Perry, there are a few simple tests which will help you
} determine with certainty whether you are in presence of true Friends,
} or mere impostors.
}
} 1) Leave $100,000 on the ground.  Anyone who looks down at it, but
} doesn't bother to pick it up, is either a Friend or a professional
} sports star.  Physique should determine which.
}
} 2) Start singing "Smelly Cat".  Anyone who cringes and/or runs in fear
} is either a Friend or actually exhibits good taste.  If you're in
} California, you can automatically rule out the latter.
}
} 3) Take out a camera and start asking questions.  If large men dressed
} in expensive suits accost you, you're likely in the presence of true
} Friends.
}
} Hope these tests help, and good luck with all your future stalking.
} Oh, and one last thing...
}
} You owe the Oracle a grovel, and it better be a good one.  Otherwise
} I'm going to send copies of those photos to Courtney Cox's attorneys.


1280-06    (39nh8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most conclusive and undivided,
>
> Is sleep addictive?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why of course not!  Sleep is healthy!  Addictions are unhealthy!  In
} fact new studies have shown that people function better with a short
} nap in the midday.  (And you always wondered why they took siesta's
} down South of the Border!)
}
} The Oracle suggests that you increase your productivity at work by
} taking a short "Power Nap" during your midday.  I do and I can testify
} that it helps!  Of course, I have the boss's permission, (the Oracle
} is, after all, self employed.)  Your own results may vary.
}
} You'd best prepare yourself with a proper reply in case your boss walks
} in on your Power Nap.  These are commonly known, but just in case, here
} is the list again:
}
} The Top Ten Reasons for a Power Nap!
}
} 1. Statistics prove that people who take a short nap after lunch get
}    more accomplished than people who don't.
}
} 2. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the
}    last time management course you sent me to.
}
} 3. I wasn't sleeping!  I was meditating on the mission statement
}    and envisioning a new paradigm!
}
} 4. Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.
}
} 5. This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed
}    about work!
}
} 6. I was up all night tracking down hackers that were trying to break
}    into our system.  Luckily I was able to hold them off!
}
} 7. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-
}    related stress and increase productivity.
}
} 8. ...And bless me that I can finish this project that the boss
}    has assigned me, Amen...  Oh, excuse me, boss.  I was just
}    praying for wisdom and answers.
}
} 9. I got wrapped up with my project last night and haven't gone home
}    yet, I must have dozed off.
}
} 10. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
}
} You owe the Oracle 30 minutes of peace and quiet about 2:00 PM.


1280-07    (6fhbb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Just as a ship might finish coursing over the briny water of the sea
> and then began again to voyage back towards the dawn and the sun:
> we mortals return from out pointless lives of TV and work to read
> the words of the Oracle,
>
> Are all the humans, well, actually human? How do I know that some
> of them aren't clever robots or aliens from another planet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are not cleared for the answer to this question.


1280-08    (8bij4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ooh, ooh! Mr. Oracle! Me, me, I know! Ooh! Call on me, Mr. Oracle!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORACLE: Yes, Peter?
}
} PETER: I know the answer!  I know the answer!
}
} ORACLE: Yes, you've said as much, Peter.  Now, what is the answer?
}
} PETER: "<ZOT!>"
}
} ORACLE: Um, no, Peter.  I'm afraid "<ZOT!>" is not an acceptable
} answer.  Well, barely acceptable.  But we're looking for something
} better.  Anyone else?  Katie?
}
} KATIE: Um... how about "A cord and a half an hour?"
}
} ORACLE: Well, I suppose so, but that's not really funny...
}
} MAX: Oh!  I know, Mr. Oracle, I know!
}
} ORACLE: Yes, Max?
}
} MAX: How about "Let's do an experiment.  We'll need lots of copies of
} your head."
}
} ORACLE: [slight grin] I *like* it.  OK, people, next question: "Why is
} everyone nearby trying to kill me?"  Any ideas, anyone?
}
} PETER: I know, Mr. Oracle!  I know!
}
} ORACLE: Yes, Peter?
}
} PETER: The answer is "<ZOT!>"!  There was no grovel!
}
} ORACLE: No, Peter.  In fact, there was a grovel, but it was merely
} "Oracle most wise,".  And that's not an acceptable answer, anyway.
}
} KATIE: I've got an answer...
}
} ORACLE: Yes, Katie?
}
} KATIE: How about "Because they want you dead."
}
} ORACLE: [laughs] I like it, I like it... but it's not really an answer,
} is it?  Max, do you have any ideas?
}
} MAX: Um... how about... um... "You're in an execution chamber."
}
} ORACLE: Hm... nah.  It's OK, I suppose.  Anyway, next question-
}
} MAX: Oh!  I know!
}
} ORACLE: [slight grin] You know the next question?  Are you becoming
} omniscient?
}
} MAX: No, no, I mean I thought up an answer to the last one.
}
} ORACLE: OK, let's hear it.
}
} MAX:  The reason everyone nearby is trying to kill him is
} a;dfjkah;;sdfNO CARRIER


1280-09    (7ddk7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, who really secretly invented the digital camera,
> My parents won't let me install Linux on my old computer because they
> think "it's a hacker tool". Should I kill them and bathe, laughing, in
> the pools of blood that were once their own, or should I just go watch
> Sesame Street?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You need to come to grips with why you WANT your parents to chastise
} you. Look, they never would have known you were putting Linux on
} your old computer if you hadn't told them.  Like they can tell BSD
} from System 10 from Linux from Windows 3.1, come on. You want them
} to tell you you're bad. You got what you wanted.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dead Big Bird.


1280-10    (47fke dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you know if someone is lying you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you put the wrong verb tense in your question, but I know what
} you mean.
}
} It's nothing, it's total blackness, but then you start to feel motion.
} Side to side at first, starting small and getting bigger, and your
} stomach churns and your head spins and your heart races, and all of a
} sudden, the bottom drops out, and you FALL...
}
} ...for just a brief moment until there's a big THUD, and you realize
} the temperature has dropped a little bit, and then you can hear sound
} for the first time, and it would be deafening if you weren't inside a
} protective shell, and it's...
}
} CLUCK! CLUCK! CLUCK!
}
} ...and that's how you know if someone is laying you.
}
} You owe the hungry Oracle a cheddar cheese omelet.


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