[IO]
Internet Oracle
24 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 9:32:41 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1281

Goto:
1281, 1281-01, 1281-02, 1281-03, 1281-04, 1281-05, 1281-06, 1281-07, 1281-08, 1281-09, 1281-10


Internet Oracularities #1281    (51 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 02 Sep 2002 12:06:12 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1281
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1281  51 votes 2bje5 5jj53 44do6 10jkb 24clc 2ehc6 19mb9 5bo92 3gi95 3bkd4
1281  3.2 mean  3.2   2.6   3.5   3.8   3.7   3.1   3.4   2.8   2.9   3.1


1281-01    (2bje5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and bipedal Oracle, who can make even the finickiest gas grill
> stay lit,
>
> Can I pet your hamster?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And the Final Jeopardy Answer is:
}
} "Bad pickup lines at a furry convention".


1281-02    (5jj53 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Exalted Oracle who sees and knows all and has enough common
> decency to keep his mouth closed while eating,
>
> Who invented the smiley? Is he dead yet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alfred E. Qwerty, discoverer of the keyboard, was the
} official inventor of the smiley, way back in early
} typewriter days.  The original keyboard was designed,
} by the way, not to slow down typists who were too fast
} for early typewriters, but instead in honour of Qwerty
} himself, for his other discovery, the Poiuyt, which
} was initially regarded as unfit for polite company
} until it appeared in William Gaines's magazine, MAD,
} in the late 1950's.
}
} Qwerty died on Madison Avenue, NY, in 1954, at the age
} of 112, as a result of being stabbed with his own Poiuyt
} while attempting to gain entrance to the MAD offices.
} The police were unable to solve the case, owing to
} the transcendimensional nature of the Poiuyt.  His
} murderer remains at large.


1281-03    (44do6 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Paul Kelly <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle who is wiser than anything.
>
> How much money do I need to buy this new house?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Orrie: It says right here on the deed, One House 10 zorkmids,
}        a hotel is 25 zorkmids.
}
} Supplicant: This is fun!
}
} Voice Over: You too can have fun playing, Oracle-opoly! The
}             great new board game by Farker Brotherz!
}
} [ Wide angle shot of the Oracle, Lisa, Zadoc & a supplicant,
}   that through the wonders of modern technology looks just
}   like you, playing Oracle-opoly. ]
}
} Zadoc: Oh no! I landed on W..dch..k Place.
}
} Orrie: Sorry!
}
} [ Zadoc gets zotted across the room. ]
}
} Lisa: I have a Queue-community Chest...
}
} [ Oracle grins wildly. ]
}
} Lisa: ...card, let's see what it says! Oh joy! I move
}       to Ogwa Gardens! No one owns it! I'm buying it!
}
} Voice Over: Race around the board earning zorkmids by
}             correctly answering a question when you
}             pass the tellme square...
}
} Supplicant: I earn 200 zorkmids...
}
} Orrie: Not so fast little buddy. First answer this:
}
}        How are The Baltimore Ravens like a writing
}        desk?
}
} Supplicant: Neither one can stop The Minnesota Vikings'
}             passing game?
}
} [ A long pauses as they all wait for the Laugh-O-Meter
}   to ponder the answer, in this case, it emits a polite
}   guffaw. ]
}
} Orrie: Sorry, all you get is 37 zorkmids for that one.
}
} Supplicant: Oh well! I'm still having fun!
}
} Voice Over: You will too! Order now, Order often. Trained
}             simians are standing by. Send in your order
}             to:         oracle@cs.indiana.edu
}
} [ Zadoc drags himself, burnt and bedraggled, back up to
}   the table just in time to roll the dice for his turn. ]
}
} Zadoc: Oh no! I have to go to Lemur Prison! And I don't
}        have a "Get out of Joel" card!
}
} [ All laugh. Fade to black. ]


1281-04    (10jkb dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most suitable Oracle, who can tie in any reference to any other
> fact yet has never had his shoelaces tied to a chair by gnomes,
> please answer my question, if you would please,
>
> Why do people need names since so few of them look alike?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
} 17 DEAD IN FUN-RUN DEBACLE
} By: That reporter with the Big Hair
}
} Yesterday's annual charity marathon in aid of Impoverished Priests was
} transformed into a terrifying exhibition of pain and violence, shocking
} spectators and participants alike.
}
} Some guy with blond hair and a moustache (23), gave us this eye-witness
} account:
}
} "It was shaping up to be a pretty good day - the sun was shining,
} everyone was happy to be doing something for the community - spirits
} were high, you know?
} I was stood on the walkway across the road with two of my buddies -
} that short, fat balding guy, and the one we all suspect of being gay,
} watching the whole thing - the starter's pistol fired, and everyone
} took off - 2,000 people chatting, laughing, enjoying the experience...
} and that's when it happened.
}
} There was some kind of disturbance in the crowd - a mugging,
} bag-snatching - we're not quite sure, and someone ran off towards the
} town square... The shout went up; "Hey you! Stop right there!"
}
} My god, it was horrible - 2,000 people all turning round at once, some
} in rabbit costumes, some in wheelchairs, some pushing their friends
} along in hospital beds... I'd say the whole incident took less than 2
} minutes, and by the time it was all over, the road just looked like a
} butcher's window. One big mass of writhing limbs, and the screams... oh
} dear lord, the screams. I won't be sleeping for a long time."
}
} The mayor, fat corrupt guy who likes hookers, had this to say: "This is
} a sad day for our once-great town - the memories of that guy, the other
} guy, and that annoying one no-one likes - not to mention creepy
} glass-eye dude, will live long in our memories."
} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle a name-tag with "HI! My name is BOB" written on it.


1281-05    (24clc dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I don't get it.  My [Theocratically condemned] old man put one of those
> [engaging in sexual intercourse] internet filters on my computer.  If I
> visit a site with any [English cigarettes] or [women in comfortable
> shoes], the filter sends me to a Bible-thumping site denouncing [odd
> people].  If I get a picture with a [small kitten] on it, it covers it
> up.  [Son of God!], I can't even view a set of [mammary glands] without
> the software [urinating] me off!  I tried to disable the piece of
> [excrement], but I can't get the password.  PLEASE!  Tell me the
> password before my old man forces me to go back to [polluting myself]
> to a cheap [pictures of mommies and daddies who love each other] mag!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know, most males have long since moved out of their parent's
} house when they're 32 Al, you might want to give it some thought.
}
} You owe the Oracle the collected works of Philip K. [male organ].


1281-06    (2ehc6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can Christopher Walken possibly be more creepy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes. He could strap horns to his head, paint his face with virgin's
} blood, drape himself in rotting guts and hang around in the shadows
} making hoarse, bubbling noises and screaming incoherently.
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to get rid of this image.


1281-07    (19mb9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most dazzlingly disturbing,
>
> This has been bothering me: over the last several hours I have sent a
> smattering of queries your way.  Each time, I am immedeately answered
> by 'The Oracle is pondering your question'.  Now, that's fine, I
> understood that as an acknowledgement my question had been properly
> received but that there were no other questions that needed answering.
> To my surprise, however, my missives are answered within a brief period
> of time, which suggests that there are others asking questions and
> receiving mine to answer.  So the problem is, if these people are
> asking questions and dutifully answering mine, why am I not getting any
> of -their- questions to answer personally?
>
> Hey, maybe even one of you high priests could help me mout on this one!
>
> Thanks in advance.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle would like to address your last request first. The
} priests steadfastly refuse to help anyone 'mout', and who can
} blame them? The Oracle hopes you understand, it's just the way
} things are now a days.
}
} As for your question as to the queue. it works on a process
} known as FIFOUSEH (first in first out unless something
} else happens). Here's a chart to help clear this all up:
}
}  v----------------------------------------------------------<
}  |+-----------------+      +--------+     +----------+      |
}  || Is mail tellme  |----->| tellme |-+-->| question |      |
}  || or an askme?    |      +--------+ |   | to queue |      |
}  |+-------v---------+                 |   | Scanned  |      |
}  |        |        +---------+        |   | for the  |      |
}  |        +------->|  askme  |        |   | string   |      |
}  |                 +-----v---+        |   |w..dch..k |      |
}  |                       |<-----------<   +----------+      |
}  |  +----------------+   |   +---------------------------+  |
}  |  | Questions exist| <-+-> | Other questions exist NOT |  |
}  |  | but from Sender|   |   | from current Sender       |  |
}  |  +-------v--------+   |   +------------v--------------+  |
}  |          |            |                |                 |
}  |  +-------v--------+   |   +------------v----------------+|
}  |  | send pondering |   |   | count w..dch..k questions   ||
}  >- > your Q email   |   |   | sent in over last 60 minutes||
}     +----------------+   |   +-v-----------v----------v----+|
}     +----------------+   |     |           |          |     |
}     | No questions   |<--+  +--v--+     +--v--+    +--v--+  |
}     | at all in queue|      |"<5" |     | 5 to|    |"10>"|--^
}     +-------v--------+      +--v--+     | 10  |    +-----+
}             |                  |        +--v--+
}             |                  |           |
}     +-------v--------+   +-----v--------+  +------------------+
}     | start "navel   |   | send oldest Q|  | IF 5 to 7 then   |
}     | stare" routine |   | in queue to  |  | w..dch..k Q to   |
}     | to ponder how a|   | the sender   |  | the sender       |
}     | question could |   +--------------+  | IF 8 then send   |
}     | arrive and be  |                     | out newest Q     |
}     | part of no Q   |                     | IF 9 send old    |
}     | queue???????[0]|                     | Q from digests   |
}     +----------------+                     | IF 10 send out a |
}                                            | null question    |
}                                            +------------------+
}
}   [0] "navel stare" subroutine causes loop of a "What is life?"
}        and Steve Wright jokes to be mailed to The Oracle once
}        each 752 seconds unless it is a full moon in Finland or
}        a Thursday in Tonga, in which case the Lewis Carroll
}        riddle is substituted. This will go on until a question
}        NOT send out as part of this subroutine is detected.
}
} You owe the Oracle some lint.


1281-08    (5bo92 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Every day your answers get better and my grovels get worse.  This
> time I tripped on my nose as I tried to fling bouquets of turnips
> into your window to show my respect for your intellect.  I guess I
> was lacking in perspective again.
>
> Please tell me about the elephants.  I need to know about the three
> types, I think they are the African, the Indian and the Swedish.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The gradually inverse relationship of grovel quality to answer quality
} is a part of the universe known as Oracular Entropy and is not under
} your control.  It always was, is, and will be, so do not fret.
}
} When you see an elephant, you can easily identify it by the process of
} elimination:
} Does it have short, stiff hairs covering most of it's body?
} If so, then it is an Indian Elephant.
} If not, does it have large ear in proportion ot its head?
} If so, then it is an African Elephant.
} If not, is it large, red, sweet, and edible?
} If so, than it is a very tasty Swedish Elephant.


1281-09    (3gi95 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most wise Oracle, who knows all languages.
>
> Studying the arcane writings of "h4x0r" types I have seen reference to
> the 1337 madskillz. Precisely how many saneskillz are there, and is
> there an imbalance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is hesitant to list all known saneskillz as they
} are mind numbingly boring; Check Book Balancing, Able to
} Eat with Elbows off the Table, Doesn't get Angry at Puppies
} that Piddle... see? Yawn-O-matic.
}
} Whereas `133t madskillz like BFG-hopping, IP Spoofing by hand
} on the fly, and kernel hacking with cat are intriguing in
} the extreme.
}
} Saneskillz are far more common, but, like who cares? By
} definition elite skills have to be uncommon, not mundane.
}
} You owe the Oracle a wall-hack that works on pure servers.


1281-10    (3bkd4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When you are pondering my questions, what are you REALLY thinking
> about that makes you take so long?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}        Tired of waiting for answers?
}
}        Wait no more with Jiffy-Queue!
}
} [ Zadoc bounds into the kitchen. In his hand is what
}   looks like a frying pan, the top of which is covered
}   with foil. Zadoc turns on a burner and slaps the
}   pan down on the heat. ]
}
} Zadoc: I want my answer right now!
}
} [ The pan makes some popping sounds, the foil expands.
}   Zadoc pokes the foil with a fork and out pops an answer
}   on a cloud of hot air. ]
}
} Zadoc: Oh look! An answer, it reads "Yes No HELL!".
}        Wow, that was fast! I'm going to try another!
}
} [ Zadoc slaps another pan contraption on the burner. ]
}
}    With Jiffy-Queue you get the same speedy service
}    and quality product you've learned to love at
}    drive thru restaurants! Why wait when you can
}    Jiffy-Queue?
}
} Zadoc: Oh look! It says, "Reply hazy, try again",
}        this is fun!
}
}     And coming soon: Micro-Queue! Questions answered
}     before you finish typing them! All the convenience
}     of a plate of rapidly defrosted noodles with none
}     of the artificial flavor or coloring additives!
}
} Zadoc: I'll never have to wait for wisdom again!
}        Thank you Jiffy- Queue and soon to be
}        released Micro-Queue!


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org