} Oooh Boy! This could be bad. I know the haze of a hangover is
} tough, but just exactly which bar did you drink at last night?
} Uhuh. Joe's Dockside Bar. And that didn't give you any cause for
} thought as you walked in the door? I mean, REALLY, supplicant, you
} just can't go carrying on like this and not expect repercussions!
} The dirt, the roaches, the scuzzy glassware. None of that gave you
} any bad vibes at all? So, this morning, you wake up in bed as a
} giant cockroach and now your wife is looking for the Raid(TM). OK,
} here are several things you can tell your wife to convince her that
} you are "the embodiment of the existentialist experience and not ...
} a giant, disgusting bug" as you put it.
} 1. Sweet Heart, please put down the Raid(tm), you see, I am actually
} the embodiment of the existentialist experience and not, as you think,
} a giant, disgusting bug.
} 2. (If that doesn't work, try:) Dear, you remember how we were
} discussing the Hindu beliefs about Reincarnation and how past lives
} influence what form people return to life? Anyway, I'm really sorry
} about how I've treated you and that I didn't thank you properly for
} all you have done for me. I'm sorry, I've been quite a louse. Well,
} not a louse, exactly, more like a roach. Forgive me. Can we kiss
} and make up now?
} 3. (Or you may try:) Darling, listen, this form offers so many
} opportunities for research! Just think of the grants I can get!
} Of course, I'll need a secretary and someone to handle all the money,
} that would be you. Now, you wouldn't want to slay the "Golden Goose"
} or kill the "Cash Cow" now would you? Please put down the can of
} Raid(TM). Thank you, now come over here and give me a little kiss...
} 4. (Or:) Honey, you remember Jeff Goldblume in "The Fly"? Well,
} last night I was offered a great role in a new movie! Yes, dear,
} I'm the star! This is really just the costume! Aren't those makeup
} guys great? It took hours for them to put it on me and I'm not
} allowed to remove it until filming is done; it'll be a couple months.
} They said they'd pay well! Well, not as well as they paid Goldblume,
} I mean he was famous before they started filming and everything...
} Come'ere and kiss a star!
} 5. (And if all else fails:) Fine, kill me now! If you don't still
} love me in my present form, well, I would just rather die and give
} up this frail existence than live without your love. Maybe I'll be
} reincarnated into something a little better on the next cycle, but I
} want you to think about this, if you don't show me mercy and grace
} in this, my present state, just what form do you think you will be
} reincarnated to when YOU return?
} Anyway, that should take care of the problem. Meanwhile, you owe the
} Oracle some insider tips. A cockroach under the table is nearly as
} good as a fly on the wall. See what you can find out for me, OK?
} I'll be in touch. Um, I don't mean "touch" per se, I mean, I'll
} be in contact. No, I mean I'll call you. Long distance. (Yuck!
} Roaches! Ew!)