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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> HELP! I woke up this morning as a giant cockroach named Franz! > Actually, that's not the bad part--I can save a ton on groceries. But > how can I convince my wife that I'm the embodiment of the > existentialist experience and not, as she thinks, a giant, disgusting > bug? > Quick--before she returns with the Raid(TM)!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oooh Boy!  This could be bad.  I know the haze of a hangover is } tough, but just exactly which bar did you drink at last night? } Uhuh.  Joe's Dockside Bar.  And that didn't give you  any cause for } thought as you walked in the door?  I mean, REALLY, supplicant, you } just can't go carrying on like this and not expect repercussions! } The dirt, the roaches, the scuzzy glassware.  None of that gave you } any bad vibes at all?  So, this morning, you wake up in bed as a } giant cockroach and now your wife is looking for the Raid(TM).  OK, } here are several things you can tell your wife to convince her that } you are "the embodiment of the existentialist experience and not ... } a giant, disgusting bug" as you put it. } } 1. Sweet Heart, please put down the Raid(tm), you see, I am actually } the embodiment of the existentialist experience and not, as you think, } a giant, disgusting bug. } } 2. (If that doesn't work, try:) Dear, you remember how we were } discussing the Hindu beliefs about Reincarnation and how past lives } influence what form people return to life?  Anyway, I'm really sorry } about how I've treated you and that I didn't thank you properly for } all you have done for me.  I'm sorry, I've been quite a louse.  Well, } not a louse, exactly, more like a roach.  Forgive me.  Can we kiss } and make up now? } } 3. (Or you may try:) Darling, listen, this form offers so many } opportunities for research!  Just think of the grants I can get! } Of course, I'll need a secretary and someone to handle all the money, } that would be you.  Now, you wouldn't want to slay the "Golden Goose" } or kill the "Cash Cow" now would you?  Please put down the can of } Raid(TM).  Thank you, now come over here and give me a little kiss... } } 4. (Or:) Honey, you remember Jeff Goldblume in "The Fly"?  Well, } last night I was offered a great role in a new movie!  Yes, dear, } I'm the star!  This is really just the costume!  Aren't those makeup } guys great?  It took hours for them to put it on me and I'm not } allowed to remove it until filming is done; it'll be a couple months. } They said they'd pay well!  Well, not as well as they paid Goldblume, } I mean he was famous before they started filming and everything... } Come'ere and kiss a star! } } 5. (And if all else fails:)  Fine, kill me now! If you don't still } love me in my present form, well, I would just rather die and give } up this frail existence than live without your love.  Maybe I'll be } reincarnated into something a little better on the next cycle, but I } want you to think about this, if you don't show me mercy and grace } in this, my present state, just what form do you think you will be } reincarnated to when YOU return? } } Anyway, that should take care of the problem.  Meanwhile, you owe the } Oracle some insider tips.  A cockroach under the table is nearly as } good as a fly on the wall.  See what you can find out for me, OK? } I'll be in touch.  Um, I don't mean "touch" per se, I mean, I'll } be in contact.  No, I mean I'll call you.  Long distance. (Yuck! } Roaches! Ew!)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I learn to drive even more like a maniac than I already do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Move to Boston or to Paris.  If one bores you, try the other. } In both places, Offensive Driving is an art form.  Learn about } "Straight On Red," "Right From Oncoming Traffic," "You're In } My Way," and "Horn Broke, Watch Finger."  Discover the state } of mind that allows you to glide peacefully down the road as } children, pregnant women, pigeons and drivers of large trucks } all scream in terror.  Acquire magic phrases that protect you } from harm, such as "But officer, I was only going One Way!" } } You owe the Oracle videotapes of your monoeuvers through some } lane-change guillotines, or perhaps your attempt to negotiate } the infamous Boston intersection of Commonwealth and Harvard } in Allston.  Or of you and les flics dans les Champs Elysee.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most sedentary and stuck in a rut... > > Don't you think it's time you did something with your life? I mean, > it's all very well for a while, sitting there answering question after > foolish question, but don't you ever think that there must be something > more to life? Why not get out and see the world, have an adventure? If > you find a life on the road isn't for you, you can always come back, > but shouldn't you at least give it a try? Just some food for thought.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ The Incarnation stands up from his work station and looks }   out over the sea of cubicles, hundreds of bored workers }   answering phones, reading memos, typing out reports --all }   of them bored to tears, all of them doing what they are }   paid for... yet, for the last three years no one has asked }   the Incarnation what the heck it is -he- does for the }   company. The Incarnation sits back down. Must.look.busy. ] } } What, and leave show business!?!?! } } You owe the Oracle a kangaroo dressed in sailor suit.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [A figure walks on from stage right.  Don't ask me what the stage is } there for.] } } ELCARO: I am Elcaro, the Anti-Oracle!  It is my job to- } } AUDIENT: I though Rush Limbaugh was the Anti-Oracle... } } ELCARO: Look, have Oracularities ever had any real continuity? } } [silence] } } ELCARO: I didn't think so.  Now anyway- } } SAME AUDIENT: Well actually there was that episode where Lisa ran off } with Zadoc- } } ELCARO: Yes, yes, I see your point, but /generally/, there isn't any, } agreed? } } STILL SAME AUDIENT: Yes... } } ELCARO: OK then.  Anyway, being the Anti-Oracle, I am the opposite of } the Oracle in every way- } } AUDIENT 2: Then why aren't you female? } } AUDIENT 3: And shouldn't you appear to be something other than human? } } AUDIENT 4: In fact, since the Oracle is immortal, you should be forever } dead! } } AUDIENT 5: Not to mention that you shouldn't be speaking in English... } } AUDIENT 6: Japanese? } } AUDIENT 5: Nah, that's not an *opposite*... how about rot13? } } AUDIENT 6: Or he could just say everything backwards... } } AUDIENT 5: Backwards AND rot13! } } AUDIENT 6: AND Japanese! } } AUDIENT 5: But that's not an opposite... besides, you can't rot13 } Japanese. } } ELCARO: [head in hand] People, can we just get on with the show? } Besides, I *must* be the Anti-Oracle.  My name is "Oracle" spelled } backwards, alright? } } AUDIENT 1: Hey, it's not our fault you have a crappy writer. } } ELCARO: NOW ANYWAY, being the Anti-Oracle- } } AUDIENT 5: You shouldn't be speaking English. } } AUDIENT 6: And you should know absolutely nothing at all, not even your } name or how to talk. } } [ELCARO exits to stage left, head in hand, muttering something that } sounds like "I'm not getting paid enough for this," or possibly } "Millenium hand and shrimp.  And so the Anti-Oracle is vanquished once } again.  Exeunt omnes- oh wait, they - or he, rather, already did. } Darn, what am I going to do with this bear now?]

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, able to find patterns in the most random garbage, > Right now I am sitting at my computer. > Right now I am typing up this question. > I'm not sure, however, what my question was. > Er... lemme think a bit... I need to remember... > > Tum te tum... > How am I supposed to remember this?! > I haven't a clue what my question was. > Suppose I were to... no. > > I really don't think that'd work. > Suppose I were to... no. > > Less chance of that working, even less than my last idea. > If I were to- no. > Suppose I were to - no. > Anyway, what I came to ask was- > > I don't remember. > Very well then... I'll need to think of something... > Erm... ack, I'm all out of ideas right now. > > But anyway, as I was saying. > Er, what was I saying? > Even you probably couldn't recall what I was saying. > No, you could, of course, being omniscient. > > K now, I need to think of something. > I need to think of something. > Don't tell me, I think I've got it- > No, I haven't. > Anyway... > Perhaps I'd best just not send this tellme? > Perhaps I'd best just turn off the computer? > Er, no. > Damn... I really can't remember, but I know it was a great question! > > But anyway- > You could tell me my question, you know. > > Well, you could once I sent this, that is. > Of course, I want to know before I send this. > Or I could just send this. > Don't think I will, though. > Could I...? > Heh.  Yeah right. > Unless I... > Can't do that either. > K then. > Surely I can think of something? > > Help, anyone? > Erm, anyone? > Lo?  Anyone? > Please? > > Meh. > Erm, I can't think of anything.  What was my question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Can you hear me now?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Oracle is such that one would have great difficulty finding > another of the same caliber. I have based many of my life decisions > on his words, I am deeply indebted. The Oracle is nobody's fool. > > Am I right to refuse the pretty girls offer of aid??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that depends on the type of aid she was offering: } } Kool-Aid:      Try to find out if her last name is Jones. If }                so, refuse as it may be, ahem, enhanced. } } Financial Aid: Refuse, unless you want to owe her $400/month }                for the rest of your life. } } USAID:         Refuse. If GWB won't go to Johannesburg, why }                should you? } } Rite Aid:      Accept! She's inviting you to go to "Aisle 4", }                to look through the cabinet for which you have }                to ask to get the key. } } Band Aid:      See 'First Aid' } } Farm Aid:      Refuse, unless you want to see a bunch of washed }                up crooners blather about the injustice of people }                who are paid to not grow anything. } } Lemonade:      See 'Kool Aid', but don't pay more than a quarter. } } Legal Aid:     Refuse and hire your own lawyer. Trust me. } } Mutual Aid:    Refuse, NATO's got that covered. } } First Aid:     If you're bleeding or not breathing, accept. If }                not, you're be headed for kinky land. Keep in }                mind that xylocaine is not standard first aid }                equipment. } } Lik-m-Aid:     Accept! this means she likes the tart, tangy }                sensation of licking sticks. } } You owe the Oracle some Federal Aid, and a tape of what } transpires after you go to Rite Aid for some Lik-M-Aid.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Epicurean Oracle, Master of Pop Culture, Honorary Colonel > in the Soviet Air Force (how'd that happen by the way?) and > all around smart immortal please give my question all of your > attention that it deserves, > > What will be the best selling books of the year 2040?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The 10 Top-Selling Books of 2040 will be: } } "More Perfect Prison Living" by Martha Stewart. }       Yep, they finally find the (well-ornamented) bodies of the } children Martha's been sacrificing to the evil underworld gods, } and Martha's in stir for a long, long, time.  But that doesn't mean } Martha's prison has to be a dank hole, does it?  You'd think this } wouldn't be very popular, but by the year 2040, America's prisons } will house 35% of the American population. }       This is actually a sequel to Martha Stewart's by-then-classic } "Perfect Prison Living." } } "The Noodle Shop" by John Grisham. }       Great summer reading from John Grisham.  Blackmail and intrigue } at the Japanese-themed lunch counter.  Lots of lawyers are involved. } } "Make Money Fast With Liquid Viagra Hot Teens!!!" by Melissa. }       This isn't so much a book people want to buy, but one they can't } really avoid.  When spammers are granted special rights and protections } under the Omnibus Communications Act, they are allowed to force } book customers to buy spam books like this one whenever potential } book-buyers enter a bookstore (virtual or otherwise).  Fears that } this may reduce book store patronage are allayed by the elimination } of all public libraries. } } "Raising a Linux-Free Child, 3rd Edition" by AOL/Microsoft Press. }       Parenting advice.  The original 1st Edition came about when Linux } was outlawed.  Naturally, concerned computerphobic parents made it } a best-seller. } } "Women are Crazy, Men are Brutes" by Jean Norman. }       The latest pop-psychology relationship book. } } "Giant Man-Eating Bugs" by Michael Crichton. }       I forget what this science thriller is about.  Monsters, maybe. } I think people die in it. } } "Spooky Ancient Stuff in Maine" by Stephen King. }       Another 2000-page horror classic by Stephen King.  Some } sympathetic characters get in trouble with some lingering supernatural } evil in a small town in New England, and some of them die heroically, } but some escape. } } "Throbbing Turgid SUV of Love" by Barbara Cartland. }       Period romance set in the mid-1990s. } } "Sword-Bearing Handsome Muscular Protagonist vs. Supernatural Ugly } Bad Guy #266" by Troy Denning. }       Really, all the good fantasy titles got used up by this time. } It's not like the plots change. } } "Nazi Commie Terrorist Guerillas" by Tom Clancy. }       Terrorist guerillas unthaw a bunch of Soviets and WWII-era German } Nazis (retrieved from Germany at the end of WWII by occupying Soviet } forces), and set them to work on H-bomb vending machines or something. } }       I guess you can tell I didn't read all of these; most of the } information here is gleaned from brief reviews and dust jackets. } Sorry.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, mighty Oracle, whose very mojo makes the ground tremble, please tell > me: > > Where were all the tongue-stud-sporting, low-jeans-wearing, > midriff-bearing hotties when I was in school, dammit? > > Many thanks, > An appalled-and-vaguely-frustrated, aging supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In diapers.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Happy birthday, Orrie!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fool! You neglected to grovel! Why I ought to Zot... } } No, that's not right. } } You know, it's not often that mortals actually think of me. } They hardly ever talk to me except when they need something. } Always "Oracle tell me this," "Oracle tell me that," "POK pok pOk } POK!" or questions about those damned rodents... never, "Hey Oracle, } how ya doin', good to know ya, hey, happy birthday." } } So it's really nice when someone remembers.  You've done well, } supplicant. I, in my omni-omniness, am pleased.  Maybe I'll do } something nice for humans today.  I'll make it a sunny day in the } Pacific Northwest.  Sure, the guy in the divine apartment upstairs } gets upset when I mess with the natural order of things like that, } but I'll deal with him tomorrow. } } Thank you, and be well. } } You owe the Oracle nothing more than you've already given.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most superbly ingenious Oracle, he who is never wrong, > > Can you please explain your answer in #1272-02?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, okay, if you insist: } } 1272-02    (1dlh2 dist, 3.1 mean) } Selected-By: K1one (aka Danie1 V K1ein) <dvk@1onewo1f.com> } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question } > O Oracle who is supreme in all things idiotic, who is faster than } > stationary bullet, who can move mountains in his mind, who can lea } > sm+---------------------------------------------+ke a brick, fly l } > pi|                                             |zes over, and who } > fe| What The Oracle is doing is answering your  | } >   | request in a most literal fashion.          | } > Do|                                             |ls? }     | See, around this answer is #1272-02 and     | }  And| The Oracle is explaining why that is so     | } } Ab| -inside- of it, since you asked for the     |ver } } th| answer to be explained "in #1272-02".       |t } } th|                                             |e } } fi| Alas, however any joke that has to be       | } }   | explained -anywhere- tends to fall flat,    | } } Yo| but hey, that's what you asked for. . .     |t out } } of|                                             | }     +---------------------------------------------+ } } You owe the Oracle a hall of mirrors.