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Internet Oracularities #1282

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Internet Oracularities #1282    (59 votes, 3.4 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 08 Sep 2002 17:28:46 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1282
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1282  59 votes 39jj9 0brf6 26qfa 56gie 8cna6 2fgj7 37dlf 14dni 77jl5 1eedh
1282  3.4 mean  3.4   3.3   3.4   3.5   2.9   3.2   3.6   3.9   3.2   3.5


1282-01    (39jj9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> HELP! I woke up this morning as a giant cockroach named Franz!
> Actually, that's not the bad part--I can save a ton on groceries. But
> how can I convince my wife that I'm the embodiment of the
> existentialist experience and not, as she thinks, a giant, disgusting
> bug?
> Quick--before she returns with the Raid(TM)!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oooh Boy!  This could be bad.  I know the haze of a hangover is
} tough, but just exactly which bar did you drink at last night?
} Uhuh.  Joe's Dockside Bar.  And that didn't give you  any cause for
} thought as you walked in the door?  I mean, REALLY, supplicant, you
} just can't go carrying on like this and not expect repercussions!
} The dirt, the roaches, the scuzzy glassware.  None of that gave you
} any bad vibes at all?  So, this morning, you wake up in bed as a
} giant cockroach and now your wife is looking for the Raid(TM).  OK,
} here are several things you can tell your wife to convince her that
} you are "the embodiment of the existentialist experience and not ...
} a giant, disgusting bug" as you put it.
}
} 1. Sweet Heart, please put down the Raid(tm), you see, I am actually
} the embodiment of the existentialist experience and not, as you think,
} a giant, disgusting bug.
}
} 2. (If that doesn't work, try:) Dear, you remember how we were
} discussing the Hindu beliefs about Reincarnation and how past lives
} influence what form people return to life?  Anyway, I'm really sorry
} about how I've treated you and that I didn't thank you properly for
} all you have done for me.  I'm sorry, I've been quite a louse.  Well,
} not a louse, exactly, more like a roach.  Forgive me.  Can we kiss
} and make up now?
}
} 3. (Or you may try:) Darling, listen, this form offers so many
} opportunities for research!  Just think of the grants I can get!
} Of course, I'll need a secretary and someone to handle all the money,
} that would be you.  Now, you wouldn't want to slay the "Golden Goose"
} or kill the "Cash Cow" now would you?  Please put down the can of
} Raid(TM).  Thank you, now come over here and give me a little kiss...
}
} 4. (Or:) Honey, you remember Jeff Goldblume in "The Fly"?  Well,
} last night I was offered a great role in a new movie!  Yes, dear,
} I'm the star!  This is really just the costume!  Aren't those makeup
} guys great?  It took hours for them to put it on me and I'm not
} allowed to remove it until filming is done; it'll be a couple months.
} They said they'd pay well!  Well, not as well as they paid Goldblume,
} I mean he was famous before they started filming and everything...
} Come'ere and kiss a star!
}
} 5. (And if all else fails:)  Fine, kill me now! If you don't still
} love me in my present form, well, I would just rather die and give
} up this frail existence than live without your love.  Maybe I'll be
} reincarnated into something a little better on the next cycle, but I
} want you to think about this, if you don't show me mercy and grace
} in this, my present state, just what form do you think you will be
} reincarnated to when YOU return?
}
} Anyway, that should take care of the problem.  Meanwhile, you owe the
} Oracle some insider tips.  A cockroach under the table is nearly as
} good as a fly on the wall.  See what you can find out for me, OK?
} I'll be in touch.  Um, I don't mean "touch" per se, I mean, I'll
} be in contact.  No, I mean I'll call you.  Long distance. (Yuck!
} Roaches! Ew!)


1282-02    (0brf6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I learn to drive even more like a maniac than I already do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Move to Boston or to Paris.  If one bores you, try the other.
} In both places, Offensive Driving is an art form.  Learn about
} "Straight On Red," "Right From Oncoming Traffic," "You're In
} My Way," and "Horn Broke, Watch Finger."  Discover the state
} of mind that allows you to glide peacefully down the road as
} children, pregnant women, pigeons and drivers of large trucks
} all scream in terror.  Acquire magic phrases that protect you
} from harm, such as "But officer, I was only going One Way!"
}
} You owe the Oracle videotapes of your monoeuvers through some
} lane-change guillotines, or perhaps your attempt to negotiate
} the infamous Boston intersection of Commonwealth and Harvard
} in Allston.  Or of you and les flics dans les Champs Elysee.


1282-03    (26qfa dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most sedentary and stuck in a rut...
>
> Don't you think it's time you did something with your life? I mean,
> it's all very well for a while, sitting there answering question after
> foolish question, but don't you ever think that there must be something
> more to life? Why not get out and see the world, have an adventure? If
> you find a life on the road isn't for you, you can always come back,
> but shouldn't you at least give it a try? Just some food for thought.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ The Incarnation stands up from his work station and looks
}   out over the sea of cubicles, hundreds of bored workers
}   answering phones, reading memos, typing out reports --all
}   of them bored to tears, all of them doing what they are
}   paid for... yet, for the last three years no one has asked
}   the Incarnation what the heck it is -he- does for the
}   company. The Incarnation sits back down. Must.look.busy. ]
}
} What, and leave show business!?!?!
}
} You owe the Oracle a kangaroo dressed in sailor suit.


1282-04    (56gie dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [A figure walks on from stage right.  Don't ask me what the stage is
} there for.]
}
} ELCARO: I am Elcaro, the Anti-Oracle!  It is my job to-
}
} AUDIENT: I though Rush Limbaugh was the Anti-Oracle...
}
} ELCARO: Look, have Oracularities ever had any real continuity?
}
} [silence]
}
} ELCARO: I didn't think so.  Now anyway-
}
} SAME AUDIENT: Well actually there was that episode where Lisa ran off
} with Zadoc-
}
} ELCARO: Yes, yes, I see your point, but /generally/, there isn't any,
} agreed?
}
} STILL SAME AUDIENT: Yes...
}
} ELCARO: OK then.  Anyway, being the Anti-Oracle, I am the opposite of
} the Oracle in every way-
}
} AUDIENT 2: Then why aren't you female?
}
} AUDIENT 3: And shouldn't you appear to be something other than human?
}
} AUDIENT 4: In fact, since the Oracle is immortal, you should be forever
} dead!
}
} AUDIENT 5: Not to mention that you shouldn't be speaking in English...
}
} AUDIENT 6: Japanese?
}
} AUDIENT 5: Nah, that's not an *opposite*... how about rot13?
}
} AUDIENT 6: Or he could just say everything backwards...
}
} AUDIENT 5: Backwards AND rot13!
}
} AUDIENT 6: AND Japanese!
}
} AUDIENT 5: But that's not an opposite... besides, you can't rot13
} Japanese.
}
} ELCARO: [head in hand] People, can we just get on with the show?
} Besides, I *must* be the Anti-Oracle.  My name is "Oracle" spelled
} backwards, alright?
}
} AUDIENT 1: Hey, it's not our fault you have a crappy writer.
}
} ELCARO: NOW ANYWAY, being the Anti-Oracle-
}
} AUDIENT 5: You shouldn't be speaking English.
}
} AUDIENT 6: And you should know absolutely nothing at all, not even your
} name or how to talk.
}
} [ELCARO exits to stage left, head in hand, muttering something that
} sounds like "I'm not getting paid enough for this," or possibly
} "Millenium hand and shrimp.  And so the Anti-Oracle is vanquished once
} again.  Exeunt omnes- oh wait, they - or he, rather, already did.
} Darn, what am I going to do with this bear now?]


1282-05    (8cna6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, able to find patterns in the most random garbage,
> Right now I am sitting at my computer.
> Right now I am typing up this question.
> I'm not sure, however, what my question was.
> Er... lemme think a bit... I need to remember...
>
> Tum te tum...
> How am I supposed to remember this?!
> I haven't a clue what my question was.
> Suppose I were to... no.
>
> I really don't think that'd work.
> Suppose I were to... no.
>
> Less chance of that working, even less than my last idea.
> If I were to- no.
> Suppose I were to - no.
> Anyway, what I came to ask was-
>
> I don't remember.
> Very well then... I'll need to think of something...
> Erm... ack, I'm all out of ideas right now.
>
> But anyway, as I was saying.
> Er, what was I saying?
> Even you probably couldn't recall what I was saying.
> No, you could, of course, being omniscient.
>
> K now, I need to think of something.
> I need to think of something.
> Don't tell me, I think I've got it-
> No, I haven't.
> Anyway...
> Perhaps I'd best just not send this tellme?
> Perhaps I'd best just turn off the computer?
> Er, no.
> Damn... I really can't remember, but I know it was a great question!
>
> But anyway-
> You could tell me my question, you know.
>
> Well, you could once I sent this, that is.
> Of course, I want to know before I send this.
> Or I could just send this.
> Don't think I will, though.
> Could I...?
> Heh.  Yeah right.
> Unless I...
> Can't do that either.
> K then.
> Surely I can think of something?
>
> Help, anyone?
> Erm, anyone?
> Lo?  Anyone?
> Please?
>
> Meh.
> Erm, I can't think of anything.  What was my question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Can you hear me now?


1282-06    (2fgj7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Oracle is such that one would have great difficulty finding
> another of the same caliber. I have based many of my life decisions
> on his words, I am deeply indebted. The Oracle is nobody's fool.
>
> Am I right to refuse the pretty girls offer of aid??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that depends on the type of aid she was offering:
}
} Kool-Aid:      Try to find out if her last name is Jones. If
}                so, refuse as it may be, ahem, enhanced.
}
} Financial Aid: Refuse, unless you want to owe her $400/month
}                for the rest of your life.
}
} USAID:         Refuse. If GWB won't go to Johannesburg, why
}                should you?
}
} Rite Aid:      Accept! She's inviting you to go to "Aisle 4",
}                to look through the cabinet for which you have
}                to ask to get the key.
}
} Band Aid:      See 'First Aid'
}
} Farm Aid:      Refuse, unless you want to see a bunch of washed
}                up crooners blather about the injustice of people
}                who are paid to not grow anything.
}
} Lemonade:      See 'Kool Aid', but don't pay more than a quarter.
}
} Legal Aid:     Refuse and hire your own lawyer. Trust me.
}
} Mutual Aid:    Refuse, NATO's got that covered.
}
} First Aid:     If you're bleeding or not breathing, accept. If
}                not, you're be headed for kinky land. Keep in
}                mind that xylocaine is not standard first aid
}                equipment.
}
} Lik-m-Aid:     Accept! this means she likes the tart, tangy
}                sensation of licking sticks.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Federal Aid, and a tape of what
} transpires after you go to Rite Aid for some Lik-M-Aid.


1282-07    (37dlf dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Epicurean Oracle, Master of Pop Culture, Honorary Colonel
> in the Soviet Air Force (how'd that happen by the way?) and
> all around smart immortal please give my question all of your
> attention that it deserves,
>
> What will be the best selling books of the year 2040?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The 10 Top-Selling Books of 2040 will be:
}
} "More Perfect Prison Living" by Martha Stewart.
}       Yep, they finally find the (well-ornamented) bodies of the
} children Martha's been sacrificing to the evil underworld gods,
} and Martha's in stir for a long, long, time.  But that doesn't mean
} Martha's prison has to be a dank hole, does it?  You'd think this
} wouldn't be very popular, but by the year 2040, America's prisons
} will house 35% of the American population.
}       This is actually a sequel to Martha Stewart's by-then-classic
} "Perfect Prison Living."
}
} "The Noodle Shop" by John Grisham.
}       Great summer reading from John Grisham.  Blackmail and intrigue
} at the Japanese-themed lunch counter.  Lots of lawyers are involved.
}
} "Make Money Fast With Liquid Viagra Hot Teens!!!" by Melissa.
}       This isn't so much a book people want to buy, but one they can't
} really avoid.  When spammers are granted special rights and protections
} under the Omnibus Communications Act, they are allowed to force
} book customers to buy spam books like this one whenever potential
} book-buyers enter a bookstore (virtual or otherwise).  Fears that
} this may reduce book store patronage are allayed by the elimination
} of all public libraries.
}
} "Raising a Linux-Free Child, 3rd Edition" by AOL/Microsoft Press.
}       Parenting advice.  The original 1st Edition came about when Linux
} was outlawed.  Naturally, concerned computerphobic parents made it
} a best-seller.
}
} "Women are Crazy, Men are Brutes" by Jean Norman.
}       The latest pop-psychology relationship book.
}
} "Giant Man-Eating Bugs" by Michael Crichton.
}       I forget what this science thriller is about.  Monsters, maybe.
} I think people die in it.
}
} "Spooky Ancient Stuff in Maine" by Stephen King.
}       Another 2000-page horror classic by Stephen King.  Some
} sympathetic characters get in trouble with some lingering supernatural
} evil in a small town in New England, and some of them die heroically,
} but some escape.
}
} "Throbbing Turgid SUV of Love" by Barbara Cartland.
}       Period romance set in the mid-1990s.
}
} "Sword-Bearing Handsome Muscular Protagonist vs. Supernatural Ugly
} Bad Guy #266" by Troy Denning.
}       Really, all the good fantasy titles got used up by this time.
} It's not like the plots change.
}
} "Nazi Commie Terrorist Guerillas" by Tom Clancy.
}       Terrorist guerillas unthaw a bunch of Soviets and WWII-era German
} Nazis (retrieved from Germany at the end of WWII by occupying Soviet
} forces), and set them to work on H-bomb vending machines or something.
}
}       I guess you can tell I didn't read all of these; most of the
} information here is gleaned from brief reviews and dust jackets.
} Sorry.


1282-08    (14dni dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, mighty Oracle, whose very mojo makes the ground tremble, please tell
> me:
>
> Where were all the tongue-stud-sporting, low-jeans-wearing,
> midriff-bearing hotties when I was in school, dammit?
>
> Many thanks,
> An appalled-and-vaguely-frustrated, aging supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In diapers.


1282-09    (77jl5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Happy birthday, Orrie!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fool! You neglected to grovel! Why I ought to Zot...
}
} No, that's not right.
}
} You know, it's not often that mortals actually think of me.
} They hardly ever talk to me except when they need something.
} Always "Oracle tell me this," "Oracle tell me that," "POK pok pOk
} POK!" or questions about those damned rodents... never, "Hey Oracle,
} how ya doin', good to know ya, hey, happy birthday."
}
} So it's really nice when someone remembers.  You've done well,
} supplicant. I, in my omni-omniness, am pleased.  Maybe I'll do
} something nice for humans today.  I'll make it a sunny day in the
} Pacific Northwest.  Sure, the guy in the divine apartment upstairs
} gets upset when I mess with the natural order of things like that,
} but I'll deal with him tomorrow.
}
} Thank you, and be well.
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing more than you've already given.


1282-10    (1eedh dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most superbly ingenious Oracle, he who is never wrong,
>
> Can you please explain your answer in #1272-02?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, okay, if you insist:
}
} 1272-02    (1dlh2 dist, 3.1 mean)
} Selected-By: K1one (aka Danie1 V K1ein) <dvk@1onewo1f.com>
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question
} > O Oracle who is supreme in all things idiotic, who is faster than
} > stationary bullet, who can move mountains in his mind, who can lea
} > sm+---------------------------------------------+ke a brick, fly l
} > pi|                                             |zes over, and who
} > fe| What The Oracle is doing is answering your  |
} >   | request in a most literal fashion.          |
} > Do|                                             |ls?
}     | See, around this answer is #1272-02 and     |
}  And| The Oracle is explaining why that is so     |
} } Ab| -inside- of it, since you asked for the     |ver
} } th| answer to be explained "in #1272-02".       |t
} } th|                                             |e
} } fi| Alas, however any joke that has to be       |
} }   | explained -anywhere- tends to fall flat,    |
} } Yo| but hey, that's what you asked for. . .     |t out
} } of|                                             |
}     +---------------------------------------------+
}
} You owe the Oracle a hall of mirrors.


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