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Internet Oracularities #1283

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Internet Oracularities #1283    (62 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 15 Sep 2002 18:39:42 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1283
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1283  62 votes 7fmb7 32isb 1hsf1 48jla 6en8b 59ni7 elga1 44goe 1dvd4 7dmc8
1283  3.1 mean  2.9   3.7   3.0   3.4   3.1   3.2   2.4   3.6   3.1   3.0


1283-01    (7fmb7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> AARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!
> Noooooooooooooooooo!
> Stop. . .!
> Don't do it! There will be consequences. . .
> ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle always hated having to cut Zadoc's hair.


1283-02    (32isb dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  what's new pussy cat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, let's see:
}
} -- Feline Patch 2002.c now available.
}    Update your Pussy Cat Now.
}
} New Features:
}
}    * Adds 'Al Qaeda Terrorist' to list of potential
}      threats to your home and family that your cat
}      will ignore
}
}    * Sun-spot detection capacity added, now your
}      cat will express mild discontent if patch of
}      sun it's laying in is not sourced from an
}      unblemished solar disk
}
}    * Fixed Litter Bug that caused indoor cats to
}      sometimes track litter into rooms that people
}      rarely if ever enter, overlooking high traffic
}      areas
}
}    * Nile Virus detection capacity. Cat will be able
}      to tell if half-eaten bird it has dragged into
}      your home has Nile Virus or not
}
}    * Queen Beruthiel detection unit added. Your JRR
}      Tolkien fan friends will freak out when your
}      cat's ears perk up and it stares in a stunned
}      rapt manner at anyone that mentions the Queen
}      of Middle Earth Catty-ness, Beruthiel. (Unit
}      not compatible with white cats with blue eyes.)
}
}    * Increased tolerance to allowing extraction of
}      consumed yarn by time honored "Pull" method.
}   ---------------------------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle a cat from Japan.


1283-03    (1hsf1 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh immaculate Oracle whose room is always tidy enough to keep his
> mother happy,
>
> My mother wants to know: How come I spent all that time cleaning up,
> and my room *still* looks like a hurricane hit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Exactly what results are you trying to achieve?  Do you want to know
} what to tell your mother, or would you really like a better way to
} clean your room that doesn't take a week to do it?
}
} OK, Here are a number of things to tell your mom when she wants to
} know why your room isn't clean yet.
}
} 10) I had homework too, you don't want me to flunk out of that
} expensive school you are sending me to, do you?
}
} 9)  I was trying to find some clean work clothes in all the piles,
} so I would have something to wear to work in, did you want me to ruin
} the expensive pants you just bought me?
}
} 8)  It's hard to work wearing these expensive pants you bought me,
} the crotch hangs around my knees and I can't run everywhere to put
} things away without tripping.
}
} 7)  Dad had me mow the lawns, weed the garden, and clean the garage
} first, the room is next on my list.
}
} 6)  I had it all cleaned, I left the room for only a minute and my
} little brother must have come in here and played with everything.
}
} 5)  I had it all cleaned, I left the room for only a minute and
} demons must have come in here and dumped everything.  Call Buffy the
} Vampire Slayer! We have a problem on our hands!
}
} 4)  I had it all cleaned, I left the room for only a minute and the
} dog must have come in here and pulled everything out on the floor!
} I told you we need a kennel!
}
} 3)  But, Mom I did clean it, do you believe in Poltergeists?
} Call Ghost Busters! We have a probllem on our hands!
}
} 2)  I found a rare protected species of fungi living in the clothes
} hamper and the EPA won't let me disturb anything.
}
} 1)  I did clean it, then that hurricane the National Weather Service
} has been warning about blew in, blew it all over, and then blew
} back out.  I guess I should have closed the window, but you told me
} it was smelling like dirty gym socks in here.
}
} (Of course, you could always turn off the X-Box, the TV, and the
} computer and actually do something during the 6 hours you spent in
} your room when you were supposed to be cleaning.)
}
} You owe the Oracle something that I can tell Lisa when she wants to
} know why my office is a cluttered mess because I've actually been
} answering Oracle questions all day instead of working.


1283-04    (48jla dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most frabjulent, whose squaminosity allows hir to
> use preamish words like "lipherous",
>
> How in the heck will I wash my neck if it ain't gonna rain
> no more?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  -o0o- Ten Other Problems Unique to Giraffes -o0o-
}
} 10) Impossible to find hats that look good on one's ossicones.
}
} 09) Fear of being mistaken for ripening banana by King Kong
}
} 08) One minute sleep cycle results in dreams that
}     have no more plot development than a commercial
}
} 07) Constant butt of "Deep Throat" jokes
}
} 06) Takes week to swallow one's pride, no, I am not lion
}
} 05) NBA never returns your calls
}
} 04) 18 inch long prehensile purple tongue no good
}     for females as males decidedly unimaginative
}
} 03) City's lack of planning when deciding on minimum
}     overpass heights causes you to get blamed for 5pm giraffic jams
}
} 02) It's very hard to find monitor cables over 18 feet long
}
} 01) Every Christmas same two gifts: Ties and Scarfs
}
}                      -o0o-
}
} You owe the Oracle a ripe banana.


1283-05    (6en8b dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most empty,
> why do some of your Incarnations feel the need to drain the Oracular
> queue of questions (and, I might add, not provide humorous answers to
> them)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Sadly, the only requirements to be an Incarnation are that one
} 1. Has an e-mail address and 2. Can send an e-mail to
} oracle@cs.indiana.edu with 'ask me' or 'tell me' in the subject.
}
}    Do you remember that Far Side cartoon? The one where god has the
} world in front of him and a bunch of shakers with various kinds
} of people in them, and he's thinking .oO( And just to make it
} interesting... ) while sprinkling on some jerks?
}
}    Those Incarnations feel this need because they are jerks.
}
}    It is unfortunate that even jerks meet the requirements to be
} Incarnations. Perhaps some day the queue software will be modified
} to prevent jerks from being allowed to be Incarnations.
}
}    I wish you the best of luck in contacting non-jerk Incarnations.
} I know it can get discouraging, but try not to lose hope.
}
}    Here's something you can do to felp you feel better:
} When you're an Incarnation and you get a question from a jerk
} Supplicant, show them that you can come up with something witty,
} funny, and intelligent in spite of them.
}
} Best of luck with your subsequent experiences with the Oracle!
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything.


1283-06    (59ni7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I thank you, wise one, for reading even this far into my humble
> query. You are wise! I am but a sack of flesh and bones, finite
> and doomed even though I have a nice car,
>
> Governments have killed far more people than criminals, so why
> do governments get to make the rules?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle pounds his ham-like fist on the surface of his highly
} polished antique desk.
}
} "Two legal questions in one day!", he mutters.
}
} Leaning back in his leather-upholstered chair, he rubs two of his eyes
} in a resigned sort of way, then surveys his richly appointed office.
}
} "I think I need the lawyer again", he says.
}
} Out of the silent yet blinding flash in the middle of his office, a
} naked, highly surprised figure appears, seated upon a toilet.  It's
} James McFerrin Farnsworth, III, Esq. Constitutional Lawyer.
}
} "Yo, Mac, how they hangin'?" quoth the Oracle.
}
} Mac: "Good morning Mr. Oracle.  Damn it, didn't we discuss this
} unannounced meeting problem earlier today?".
}
} Orrie: "Sorry, Mac, I'll try to do better next time.  Read this.
} Being omniscient, I know what the answer is, and you being my lawyer
} should of course speak in my behalf, due to liability issues, so can
} you please answer this for my gentle supplicant?"
}
} Farnsworth shifts uncomfortably on the toilet.
}
} FLASH!
}
} The toilet vanishes and there stands Farnsworth, elegantly attired as
} always. A faint odor of expensive aftershave surrounds him.
}
} Mac: "Thanks, Mr. Oracle".
}
} Farnsworth takes the single crisp sheet proferred by the Oracle and
} begins to read.
}
} Mac: "Damn, This is going to take some work"
}
} The Oracle grins widely, not a pretty sight.
}
} Orrie:  "I know you can handle it, Mac".
}
} A comfortable arm-chair appears.  Farnsworth sinks gratefully into it
} and strokes his smoothly barbered chin.
}
} Mac:  "Let us consider the statement of the supplicant - he/she/it
} implies that those who kill or commit crime are not competent to make
} "the rules", whatever they are".
}
} He continues: "On the other hand, the supplicant may feel that those
} who do neither are more than qualified to make those rules, right Mr.
} Oracle"
}
} Orrie:  "I don't think our gentle supplicant has put that much thought
} into the matter, Mac"
}
} Mac:  "In reality, this has nothing to do with qualifications.  Any
} student of politics knows that qualifications and moral backbone are
} the two least-necessary requirements for any person to be part of a
} government"
}
} The Oracle rolls several eyes.
}
} Mac: "But like I said, this has nothing to do with it."
}
} The Oracle rolls several other eyes and emits a high, keening globber.
}
} Mac:  "The reality is that they get to make the rules because WE LET
} THEM!"
}
} Mac continues:  "Furthermore, we then vote in any fool with a nice
} suit and handsome gray hair because of his stunning financial success
} running his used-car dealership, rather than because of any inherent
} leadership qualities".
}
} Mac:  "As you know, Oracle, it doesn't have to be this way.  Your
} supplicant should take a look at Switzerland.  In Switzerland, the
} people vote on more or less everything of importance and "make the
} rules", not a bunch of low-grade, redneck, high-bid, trailer-trash,
} tornado-bait used car salesmen.  We get what we ask for."
}
} The Oracle grins widely, not a pretty sight.
}
} Orrie:  "Very good, Mac.  My thoughts exactly!"
}
} You owe the Oracle a Swiss residence permit.


1283-07    (elga1 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All-knowing and furlonging Oracle, I bend to grovel before you.
> I bury my knee at Wounded Heart in your honour.  I spill the
> beans before I eat, in order to fart more gently in your highly
> qualified direction.
>
> Once again I'm befuddled by nautical terms.  Furlong, for example,
> or Two Pints Abaft the Beam's.  What are they supposed to be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Microbewery Beer Brands as in:
}
} "I'll have a pint of Athwart Hawse and a pitcher of Futtock-Shrouds
} with me friends..."
}
} You owe the Oracle a keg of Monkey-Sparred Nippers.


1283-08    (44goe dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
> Is the day of the cowboy over?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure is. Here's a quick recap.
}
} 4:00am...The cock crows. The rooster does too.
} 4:01am...The rooster lies dead next to a wooden fence. Autopsy reports
} would later show the rooster to have passed away after taking one too
} many large rocks to the head if one had actually been performed.
} 4:38am...The cowboy rises to greet the new day. The cowboy bumps his
} knee on a chair on his way to the bathroom. While his day has begun,
} the sun's day has not. He curses at the chair and calls the sleeping
} sun a [expletive deleted] slacker.
} 4:39am...Shower...Shave...Pluck eyebrows...Brush and floss...
} 5:04am...Use toilet...Read morning paper focusing mainly on the
} Business and Entertainment sections...
} 5:44am...Wash hands thoroughly.
} 5:45am...Breakfast of Special K, orange juice and a bagel with fat free
} cream cheese.
} 6:30am...Off to the stables to prepare his trusty steed Buttercup.
} 6:35am...Buttercup enjoys a hearty meal of hay and oats. The cowboy
} brushes out a little caked on mud and says positive things to Buttercup
} as she eats her breakfast. "You," he says, "are a winner. You will do
} great things today. You will be the best horse you can be."
} 6:55am...As the cowboy is about to board a now-geared-up Buttercup, the
} horse begins to feel a bit queasy and expunged the recently-consumed
} breakfast onto the cowboy's brand-new $300 boots. Frustrated, he
} returns the horse to the stable where it may recover. He then returns
} to the ranch house to clean off his boots.
} 7:15am...Luckily, the cowboy has backup transportation for those days
} when Buttercup isn't feeling up to par. So it's off to the field to
} round the cattle up for their morning feeding on his bright red Vespa.
} 8:45am...The cattle having been rounded up, and feeding begun, the
} cowboy relaxes. Where he would once smoke a carton of Marlboros a day,
} he now relaxes with a bag of lollipops and a nicotine patch.
} 9:00am...The cowboy's neighbor stops by to say that there's a problem
} at his ranch. Seems he's been boonswoggled by rustlers. The cowboy tells
} the neighbor that he'll be right over once his herd's back in the field.
} 10:00am...At the neighbor's place, the cowboy learns that three cattle
} have "gone missing." The neighbor on his horse, Rainbow, and the cowboy
} on his red Vespa, head out to the neighbor's field to look for clues.
} 10:45am...The cowboy discovers the mutilated corpse of one of the
} neighbor's prize Holsteins. "Aliens!" he exclaims.
} 11:15am...The cowboy has returned to the ranch house for a little lunch
} and to compose some letters he's been meaning to write.
} 11:20am..."Dear Oprah Winfrey..."
} 11:40am...A hearty lunch of barley soup, strawberry yogurt, and a sprig
} of celery.
} 12:20pm...The cowboy loads up a few supplies on the Vespa and is off to
} check the fences on the perimeter of his field.
} 4:45pm...Back from mending fences, he brings the cattle in for the
} evening feeding. He notices a rather odd looking cow trying to enter
} with the herd and keeps an eye on it. At an opportune time, he
} surprises the cow to find that it is not, in fact, a cow, but rather
} two aliens from the star cluster known as the Pleiades covered by a cow
} hide. He notices the brand is actually that of his neighbors.
} 5:05pm...The sheriff arrives to take the two aliens in for cattle
} rustling. After two weeks in the jail, an alien lawyer will arrive from
} their home planet and unsuccessfully plead their case. They will remain
} in a state prison for no less than fifteen years, during which time
} they will be subjected to quite a lot of "anal probes," if you know
} what I mean.
} 5:15pm...The cowboy returns to the ranch house to start cooking his
} dinner for the evening.
} 6:08pm...Rooster Stew is served.
} 6:30pm...He lets the cattle back out into the field for the night and
} heads in to clean himself up.
} 8:00pm...He arrives at The Blue Shadow decked out in his best duds and
} $200 cologne. He's excited because tonight's the night he'll be reading
} a poem he wrote that week entitled "Love's Fury." Women's breasts heave
} during his recitation and, afterward, he receives numerous offers of
} mud baths and aromatherapy sessions.
} 10:00pm...The day of the cowboy is over and he crawls happily between
} his smooth silk sheets after soaking for thirty minutes in a nice,
} hot tub surrounded by an array of scent-astic candles and potpourri.
} Tomorrow is another day. And tomorrow night is Karaoke Night at the
} Harmonic Holstein Pub and Restaurant.
}
} You owe the Oracle a shawl and a Zane Grey novel.


1283-09    (1dvd4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Scholarly & admirable Oracle who has no troubling past to wrestle
> with. Wise Oracle there is but one petition that I ask: that I would
> be drenched with your knowledge. And there is one protection that I
> desire: that I not stumble when I dance The Dance of Wise Glee that
> all perform when they read a personal well thought out answer from
> ye!
>
> Why do TV news shows hire pretty, but stupid people to read the news
> instead of geniuses?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a little known fact that The Americans With Disabilities Act
} of 1990 requires television news broadcasters to hire as many as ten
} perky, attractive on-air "personalities" for every serious journalist.
}
} But, you say, how can you claim that perky, attractive on-air
} "personalities" are "disabled Americans"?
}
} Most Americans don't realize that all of these perky, attractive on-air
} "personalities" have serious flaws that the Act allows as disabilities.
} Most, you'd never know of since those features are typically obscured
} by stage props or camera angles.
}
} Consider this: ET's Mary Hart's voice causes seizures in children;
} Brooke Burke has six toes on each foot; and Nancy O'Dell has extremely
} large kneecaps.
}
} And then, there's the case of Jillian Barbarie. Beautiful, but brash.
} Her most recent foray has her bantering on some afternoon "news" show
} on FOX. Her poor wit and sub-par comments satisfy the Disabilities
} Act for FOX across the board, on all of its cable channels.
}
} You owe the Oracle new batteries for his remote control.


1283-10    (7dmc8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  O great Oracle!  We all bow before your superior wisdom.
>
>  I found the following poem scratched on a piece of wood just the
>  other day:
>
>  A Woodchuck's Nauseous Nocturne
>
>  Another day deprived of lumber,
>  Hours passing without number
>  My eyes trace round the yard.  I lay
>
>  Dripping sweat and now quite certain
>  That tonight the final curtain
>  Drops upon my short life's precious play.
>
>  From the closet, by the heater
>  Comes a noise like an anteater
>  Makes: a madd'ning zot-zot-zotting sound.
>
>  It seems some ill-proportioned beast,
>  Aniticipating me deceased,
>  Is leaving traces of power on the ground.
>
>  Invis'ble rope, some wood to chuck
>  Is all I'd need - but no such luck!
>  No method of deterrence lies within my sight.
>
>  Ericius!  A shadow's creeping,
>  Ominous and black, it's seeping
>  Slowly 'cross a moonlit square of light!
>
>  Suddenly a floorboard creak
>  Announces the unchucking freak
>  Is here to steal my future years away!
>
>  A 'lectric smell now fills the room
>  Heralding my imm'nent doom!
>  A staff gleams in the dark and murky gray!
>
>  Oh, log-long arms like tentacles!
>  Holding a staff with pentacles!
>  Mucus-oozing nose and toothful jaws!
>
>  Worse, in terms of outright evility,
>  Is the grin to induce servility,
>  Which proclaims quite loud that there will be no draws.
>
>  This disgusting abberation
>  Of nature needs no motivation
>  To zot quite helpless woodchucks while they sleep.
>
>  Relishing despairing cries,
>  It fries us up and blinds our eyes,
>  And then the remaining skeleton does keep!
>
>  The poem continues, but the rest is illegible.  What do you make of
>  it? (And how did the woodchuck know the original poem?  Convergent
>  evolution?)  (Oh, and for that matter, how does it continue?)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There's a rodent who's sure all that glitters is wood
} And he's chucking a Stairway to Home Depot
}
} When he gets there he knows if this branch is closed
} With a word he can check inventory in Cleveland
}
} Woe oh oh oh oh oh
} And he's chucking a Stairway to Home Depot...
}
} There's lumber piled in stacks, but he wants to be sure
} Since you know sometimes wood has two meanings...
}
} As his cart rolls along, there's a checkout girl who rings
} Up the contents of his dreams at a discount
}
} Woe oh oh oh oh oh
} And he's chucking a Stairway to Home Depot...
}
} There's a feeling he feels, when he gets these good deals
} As his spirit is crying for cedar
}
} In his thoughts he has dreams, rings of years in the trees
} Could give the shelter from those who would ZOT him...
}
} Woe oh oh oh oh oh
} And he's chucking a Stairway to Home Depot...
}
} Oh it's whispered that soon, we can all end this tune
} If the typer will leave us our freedom
}
} But no! more verse comes on and we'll see who stands long
} Or if the rainforest will exist hereafter
}
} Ooh, but they need the lumber...
}
} If there's Old Growth livin' down south
} Just cut it down now
}
} It's just a life source for the species
}
} Yes there are two paths you can go by
} but in the long run
}
} You'll be dead so who cares if the air is gone!
}
} Their wood is comin' from the Old Growth and they won't grow
} A single seedling to replace them
}
} Dear Supplicant can't you hear the Depot, they are global
}
} Their stairway lies in the checkout line...
}
} And as they cut down all the Old
} Their foresight smaller than their souls
}
} There chucks a rodent we all know
}
} Who has stock in home improvement and loves to show
}
} How everything that's wood is gold!
}
} And if you listen very hard
} When all is wood and wood is all
}
} To flee the ZOT and steal the Old
}
} Woe oh oh oh oh oh
} And he's chucking a Stairway to Home Depot...
}
} There's a rodent who's sure all that glitters is wood
} And he's chucking a Stairway to Home Depot
}
} When he gets there he knows if this branch is closed
} With a word he can check inventory in Cleveland
}
} And he's chucking a Stairway to Home Depot, uh uh uh...
} ...
}
} Home Depot is one of the largest single retailers of old growth
} rainforest wood and wood products on Earth. You owe the Oracle a
} change.


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