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Internet Oracularities #1284

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Internet Oracularities #1284    (63 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 22 Sep 2002 13:16:11 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1284
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1284  63 votes akk67 jpd42 38nl8 3aol5 4bkj9 9djbb 4flg7 77foa 5foe5 8akeb
1284  3.0 mean  2.7   2.1   3.4   3.2   3.3   3.0   3.1   3.4   3.0   3.2


1284-01    (akk67 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ubae subete kono te de
> Tatoe kokoro kizutsuketeta to shite mo
> Mezameta chikara karada o kakemeguru
> Kotoba wa imi o kaete
> Kinou no shinjitsu wa kyou no uso ni naru
> Dare mo ga samayoi nagasarete yuku dake
>
> Yume ya ai nante tsugou no ii gensou
> Riaru o fumishime hateshinai
> Asu e to te o nobasu
>
> RECKLESS FIRE sou daitan ni tamashii ni hi o tsukero

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "ROT-$random_number_that_changes_every_ten_seconds" proved
} to be a dismal failure.


1284-02    (jpd42 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  What happens to people who don't brush their teeth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [PRIEST'S NOTE: After this Oracularity's publication, it was discovered
}  that this answer contains the copyrighted lyrics to Weird Al Yankovic's
}  song "Toothless People" from his "Polka Party" album.  Our sincerest
}  apologies to Weird Al.]
}
} They only show you their gums when they smile
} Ain't got a tooth in their heads now, how vile
} Only can eat things like pudding and applesauce
} They never have to buy toothpicks or dental floss
}
} Hey, stand up
} Toothless people, their breath is lethal, wanna tell you
} Hey, come on, stand up, get on your feet
} Toothless people, old and feeble, what I say
}
} No more of those pearly whites will they possess
} Their oral hygiene is frightful, a mess
} Lots of 'em suffering from trench mouth and gum disease
} At least they don't have to worry 'bout cavities
}
} Hey, stand up, take out your teeth
} Toothless people, old and feeble, oh yes
}
} You can brush 'em, you can floss 'em
} They're something you just can't ignore
} If you lose 'em, you're in trouble
} 'Cause the tooth fairy won't come no more
} You need something to show your dentist
} The next time he makes you say "Ah"
} You don't wanna have to wind up
} Eating all of your food through a straw
}
} (Like toothless people, toothless people)
} You'd better brush your teeth now (hey)
} Toothless, toothless, toothless, toothless people
} Hey, stand up, toothless people


1284-03    (38nl8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle,
>
> My computer is all #$%$ed up.  What can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Flip it over and #$%$ it back down.


1284-04    (3aol5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh, oracle ever so wise:
>
> What is 1,000 + 40 + 1,000 + 30 + 1,000 + 20 + 1,000 + 10?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Diminishing returns.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new broker.


1284-05    (4bkj9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great an omniscient Oracle,
>
> What are the 10 worst grovels you have ever recieved?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  From the home office in Bloomington, Indiana -- It's the bottom 10
}  grovels!
}
} #10. Like, Oracle, dude. Help.. or something.
}
}  >> Like, dude. Uh, no.
}
} #9. Oh, Oracle, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways...
}
}  >> Shakespeare died a few hundred years ago. Thanks for playing.
}
} #8. Dear Friend, I send you this letter to have your advice.
}
}  >> Alright, a free copy of Klez!
}
} #7. This is a multipart message in MIME format.
}
}  >> Yes, there's probably some worthless VCard or stationery attached
}  >> to this, but the text must be obfuscated by MIME too. I love it!
}
} #6. READ TO SEE HOW YOU CAN MAKE MONEY FROM HOME WHILE LOSING WEIGHT
} AND ENLARGING YOUR BODY PARTS!
}
}  >> Sign me up!!
}
} #5. May I take your order?
}
}  >> Yet they never seem to get this right. I even do this one in
}  >> person.
}
} #4. OMG Mandy u wuldnt beleeeev bout last nite i had the most rawk
} time...
}
}  >> Misdirected e-mails are great. I like to tell the Supplicant
}  >> "Woodchucks will invade next Thursday" whenever I get something
}  >> like this.
}
} #3. aNSWER mY qUESTION oR eLSE I wILL pACKET j00!
}
}  >> ph33r.
}
} #2.  Oracle, Svp aidez-moi M-` manger du fromage.
}
}  >> "Ooh, look at me, I'm such a clever Supplicant, what with my fancy
}  >> foreign language and all." We are not amused.
}
} and the WORST grovel ever:
}
} #1. Oh great an omniscient Oracle,
}
}  >> Sheesh, if you're going to address the great Oracle of Oracleness,
}  >> at least spell 'and' correctly.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mail client with a killfile.


1284-06    (9djbb dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Og like monkeys.
>
>   Pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. Og thought that
> odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. Og decided not
> to look a gift horse in mouth. Og bought 200. Og like monkeys. Og
> took Og 200 monkeys home. Og have a big car. Og let one drive. His
> name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were
> really bright. Monkeys kept punching themselves in their genitals.
> Og laughed. Then they punched Og genitals. Og stopped laughing. Og
> herded them into Og room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
> environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off the couch at
> high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the
> spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour. Two hours
> later Og found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they
> all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta dropped dead.
> Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.
> Damn cheap monkeys.
>
>   Og didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all
> over Og room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from Og bookcase.
> It looked like Og had 200 throw rugs. Og tried to flush one down
> the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then Og had one dead, wet
> monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys. Og tried pretending that they
> were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, until they
> began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. Og had to pee but
> there was a dead monkey in the toilet and Og didn't want to call
> the plumber. Og was embarassed.
>
>   Og tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.
> Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time
> so Og had to change them every 30 seconds. Og also had to eat all
> the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad. Og tried burning
> them. Little did Og know Og bed was flammable. Og had to extinguish
> the fire. Then Og had one dead, wet monkey in Og toilet, two dead,
> frozen monkeys in Og freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a
> pile on Og bed. The odor wasn't improving.
>
>   Og became agitated at Og inability to dispose of Og monkeys and to
> use the bathroom. Og severely beat one of monkeys. Og felt better.
> Og tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city
> wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. Og told him that Og
> had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. Og didn't bother
> asking about the frozen ones.
>
>   Og finally arrived at a solution. Og have them out as Christmas
> gifts. Og friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended
> that they liked them but Og could tell they were lying. Ingrates.
> So Og punched them in the genitals. Og like monkeys.
>
>   What Og do for Christmas next year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cards, Og, just send cards.
}
} You owe the Oracle, um, never mind, I'd probably get a dead monkey
} instead.


1284-07    (4flg7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most judicial of Internet deities, I submit to the court that, were
> the worlds laws set by yourself rather than the current hodge-podge of
> scholars, politicians, despots, lawyers and other ne'er-do-wells, it
> would be a happier, saner and more productive place.  Can you give me
> an indication of some of the laws that should exist, and would if you
> were in charge ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah! At last a supplicant with an intelligent question.  Indeed I
} answered this question originally aeons ago, when first mortals came
} and and said "we need a system of laws to govern ourselves"; it may
} well have been one of my first few questions!  I distinctly recall
} writing the answer down somewhere; not quite sure exactly where I
} put it.  Hmmm...
}
} < Hours of searching dusty Oracular archives later >
}
} "Law #1: Be nice to each other.
}
} Law #2: No really, that's it. Nice.
}
} Law #3: Well as nice as you like I suppose, just so long as you're
} altogether pretty nice really.
}
} Law #4: Well, if they're not being nice to you, you should be nice
} back, because it will show them up for being a bit less nice than
} you are.
}
} Law #5: If they're really truly not very nice at all, I suppose you
} can be a bit not nice to them for a little bit, but really you should
} try just being nice because it would be better all round.
}
} Law #6: Frankly I think niceness is sufficent; I'm not sure that
} being any more specific is of any use whatsoever. And to be honest
} if he had done that to your goat, that would be very naughty of him,
} people really shouldn't go round doing that sort of thing to goats,
} but in some contexts that could be viewed ...
}
} Law #7: Look, you're really beginning to try my patience, all I said
} was nice, ok, NICE, work on that for a while, and come back if you're
} still having trouble.
}
} Law #8: Listen, cretin, NICE.  Ok?  N - I - C - E.
}
} Law #9: --*-<<ZOT>>-*--
}
} Law #10: You owe the Oracle a cow, I haven't had a good steak for
} a while."
}
} You owe the Oracle a better explanation for the origins of animal
} sacrifice.


1284-08    (77foa dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh mighty and all-seeing Oracle, who may or may not secretly
> be a woman named Deborah "Happy Feet" Hooker,
>
> What should I do?  I am receiving e-mail from someone whose name
> appears to be "Sweeney", who appears to be writing from Iceland, and
> who keeps on, for some reason I do not fully understand, calling me
> "Chuckles."  I am puzzled and a little disconcerted by this and am not
> sure what my course of action should be.
>
> Thank you in advance for any help or insights you can provide.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What's the matter, Chuckles?
}
} Are you *scared*?????
}
} Love,
} Sweeney


1284-09    (5foe5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Bless the Oracle who gives straight judgements to strangers and to
> the men & women of the land, and goes not aside from what is just.
> And lucky those who mind the words of the Oracle, their cities
> flourishes, and the people prosper in it: Peace, the nurse of
> children, is abroad in their land, and cruel war against them
> happens not.
>
> What is the ultimate destiny of faithless kittens?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd say the outlook isn't too bad.
}
} FUTURES MARKET AT-A-GLANCE
} Fri Sep 20, 3:35 PM ET
}
} Corn................ $2.6075/bushel .... down $0.0600
} Wheat............... $4.0000/bushel ...... up $0.0450
} Oats................ $2.0100/bushel .... down $0.0225
} Soybeans............ $5.6450/bushel ...... up $0.0050
} Faithless Kittens... $3.1325/bushel ...... up $0.0750
}
} You owe the Oracle couple bushels of those kittens.


1284-10    (8akeb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle who sees and knows everything and understands all mysteries,
> including why bored aliens make crop circles, I crave the answer to
> one of the world's greatest mysteries.
>
> What is James Bond's age ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ The Oracle, dressed in a very clever disguise, crawls in
}   through a window - thirteen stories up in a Manhattan high-
}   rise. With a small pen flashlight he makes his way to a
}   wall safe secreted behind a framed picture of a pug dog
}   in an Hawaiian shirt. The Oracle deftly opens the safe
}   and pulls out a sheet of highest quality paper. He studies
}   it and whispers into a microphone on his lapel. ]
}
} Oracle: I have it. 45 years old. James' bond is a series H
}         savings bond issued in 1957. That is all. Have the
}         car ready. I'm coming down.


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