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Internet Oracularities #1285

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1285, 1285-01, 1285-02, 1285-03, 1285-04, 1285-05, 1285-06, 1285-07, 1285-08, 1285-09, 1285-10


Internet Oracularities #1285    (60 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 02 Oct 2002 08:15:38 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1285
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1285  60 votes 4cajf 59pc9 4rn42 0cpg7 05ofg 29cqb 1lp94 dlc68 4cjh8 45cil
1285  3.2 mean  3.5   3.2   2.5   3.3   3.7   3.6   2.9   2.6   3.2   3.8


1285-01    (4cajf dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When ladies' smocks of silver white do paint the meadows with
> delight, it is a pale mockery of the brilliance of the Oracle,
>
> Where's the best place to sacrifice in the Denver Airport? I've got
> a layover there for four hours next week.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       ------------
}       |..........|
}   #@##@......._..|
}       |......@...|
}       ------------
} The priestess of Offler intones:--more--
} "Welcome to denver, pilgrim!"--more--
} You experience a strange sense of peace.--more--
} The airport security guard speaks into his walkie!--more--
} The airport security guard summons a squat!--more--
}       ------------
}       |..........|
}   @@@@@......._..|
}       |.......@..|
}       ------------
} The airport security guard wields a club. The airport security guard
} wields a club.--more--
} The airport security guard wields a mace. The airport security guard
} wields a stun gun.
}       ------------
}       |..........|
}   @@@@-@......_..|
}       |........@.|
}       ------------
} The airport security guard wields a tazer.--more--
} The airport security guard shoots his tazer. The airport security guard
} is hit by the tazer.--more--
} The airport security guard screams in pain!
} The door closes.
}       ------------
}       |........@.|
}   ####+......@_..|
}       |..........|
}       ------------
} What do you want to sacrifice? [Who or ?*]
} The blood covers the altar, and dark cloud forms!--more--
} You have summoned The Oracle!--more--
} The priestess of Offler gets angry!--more--
} The priestess of Offler summons Japanese tourists!--more--
}       |......@@@.|
}       ------------
} The japanese tourist takes a picture of the oracle.--more--
} The Oracle is blinded!--more--
} The japanese tourist takes a picture of the oracle.--more--
} The japanese tourist takes a picture of you.--more--
} You are blinded by the flash!--more--
}       ------------
}       |.......II.|
}   ####+......I@I.|
}       |......III.|
}       ------------
} It hits. It hits. It hits.--more--
} It steals the Yendorian Express card.--more--
} It hits. It hits.--more--
} You die...--more--
} Do you want your possessions identified? [ynq] (n)
}
} If you  have to, then do it, but it is not always a good idea
} to try to convert an altar.
}
} You owe The Oracle a complete map of the Denver Airport branch
} of the Dungeons of Doom.


1285-02    (59pc9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and truly wise Oracle,
>
> Jaguar (Mac OS 10.2) does not show Happy Mac at startup like every
> version before it.  What has happened to Happy Mac?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Los Angeles(TIONews) Today .05% of the world was gripped with
} sadness as the carcass of Happy Mac was found dead of a self-
} inflicted permanent crash via a huge electromagnet in a junkyard
} near the city's Skid Row. "Happy" had been anything but of late
} as a triple whammy of conflicting extensions, corrupted PRAM,
} and a torpid predilection for inappropriate preference files
} caused poor "Happy" to be plagued by unejectable floppy ghost
} file images and a plethora of uselessly despairing fonts. In lieu
} of flowers, the friends of "Happy" have asked everyone to play
} a game of "Lemmings", as this was viewed by "Happy" as the only
} game that 'worked worth a darn' for him with the added bonus
} that the pointless world of self defeating pixelated rodents
} came to symbolizes the world view of "Happy" and his followers.


1285-03    (4rn42 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and knowing Oracle, my question is this:
> I hate my current job and have been tenatively offered a better job
> (both paying and actual job function) at another company. The problem
> is, the other company is currently in a hiring freeze. I have been in
> contact with the hiring manager there, and he assures me that once
> their hiring freeze is lifted, they will be contacting me with a job
> offer. My question is, will I ever be offered this better job and will
> I ever escape the drudgery of my current one?
> Thank you in advance. I offer as sacrifice a stuffed monkey that sits
> on top of my monitor all day long, taunting and tormenting me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle asks you to consider the story of X, an employee
} of the PRI company.  Y, who was a former employee of P, had
} taken a job at the R company, and let out the news that he
} was hiring.  X went there on a job interview, and only by
} chance discovered that Y only imagined that he could hire.
} He actually did not have a job req, did not have anything to
} do with hiring decisions, and was in no way at the manager he
} apparently thought he was.
}
} X did not leave his position at P until he had an actual
} job offer in writing from another company.
}
} For those who might try to guess the identities of X and Y,
} I can only tell you that Y was not the P employee who once
} said, "What is this software?  Would someone show me the
} software?  Is it the marks on the paper, or the holes punched
} in the paper tape?"  No, it was someone else who was even worse,
} but they had the same first name.


1285-04    (0cpg7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, I can tell you are kind and good,
>
> Why do deer eat the pretty innocent flowers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because deer are jealous. Only one in five males are able to mate
} before they are killed in territorial battles, hunting season, or
} traffic mishaps. Flowers, on the other hand, mate continuously evey
} season.
}
} Let me put it another way: wouldn't you, under the circumstances, do
} the same thing?
}
} You owe the Oracle a salt lick.


1285-05    (05ofg dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OwiseOracleIalreadyprayedtothecomputerhardwaregodsand
> theydidn'thelpmuchsoIthoughtmaybeyoucoulddosomething
> forme.
>
> Myspacebardoesn'twork.Ihavegottenusedtoitbynowbutam
> wonderingwhat,inyourmostesteemedopinion,isthebest
> choiceformenow.
>
> I_could_underscore_between_words.__However,_this_makes_
> it_look_like_I'm_emphasizing_everything_or_trying_to_
> underline_everything,_and_forces_me_to_emphasize_
> like_*this*_when_I_really_like_underscores_for_emphasis.
>
> I-tried-dashes-too,-and-they-let-me-_emphasize_-properly,
> -but-mathematical-notation-goes-out-the-window.
>
> Tildes~are~fun~but~so~far~away~and~hard~to~use.
>
> I'MstillNOTsureABOUTthisKINDofALTERNATINGcaps.
>
> Or,ICouldTryToCapitalizeEveryWord,ButForSmallWords
> LikeAIOfOrItAndSoOnMakesThingsABitCluttered.
>
> Anyothersuggestions,wisestofthewise?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you could try copying and pasting spaces into your words.
} Yep, it's a bit of work but nothing says you care like that little
} bit of effort to try and be readable for your target audience.
} Here's a whole bunch of spaces you can use:
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
} Provided you don't use them all at once that should get you through
} the day.
}
} You owe the Oracle some tildes, I'm all out at the moment.


1285-06    (29cqb dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who doesn't ever have to resort to subterfuge, but
> does so purely for style reasons,
>
> Why do strange women come up to me and ask me to approach
> other strange women and say, "Is your name Melissa? I've
> been watching you."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately supplicant, like so many other Americans you have
} become the unwitting pawn of international terrorists. This simple
} little act is being used to convey top secret information between
} middle eastern operatives. You've been targeted because the clothing
} you wear and general appearance provide the coded information that
} the terrorists wish to communicate. The technique is as follows:
}
} Terrorist A wishes to talk to Terrorist B but doing so would alert
} Law Enforcement C to their plans and provide a connection between
} A and B. So, instead A employs female D to approach you (unsuspecting
} schmoe E) on the pretext of pulling a joke on a friend and gets her
} to direct you to ask unsuspecting female schmoe F if her name is
} Melissa. Terrorist B who is watching F then sees you E provide the
} special coded phrase to F and can interpret from your appearance that:
}
} unwashed hair = in a few days
} glasses = target
} Hawaiian shirt = tourist destination
} red shorts = deadly attack
} green socks = home made nuclear device
} open toed sandles = disregard message due to complete inability of
} schmoe E to dress in a coherent fashion. we will now pity the american
} people instead of attacking them.
}
} It's an ingenious system that takes a bit of work to use but after
} months of training in Afghanistan, sleeper cells have become adept at
} using this method to communicate complex plans of attack. Do your part
} today and start wearing white socks (surrender to local authorities)
} with open toed sandles (disregard previous plans).


1285-07    (1lp94 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Wonderful Oracle, who knows more useless facts than all of the hosts
> of Who Wants to be a Millionaire from around the world combined.
>
> Could you please tell me the absolute minimum time required to write a
> 25,000 word thesis?
>
> I have heard a rumour that someone actually managed to do this in 48
> hours straight.
>
> Your humble supplicant awaits your advice before attempting to actually
> arrange some kind of 'schedule'.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It doesn't take 48 hours. . .it can be done in one hour. That is, if
} you copy it from Sparknotes or Cliffnotes or something. Don't expect to
} be able to do it any other way.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 45,000 word thesis on why using Sparknotes or
} Cliffnotes is immoral and shouldn't be done. And don't even think about
} it; I can view those sites too, you know.


1285-08    (dlc68 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  For honey is dropping from the lips of the strange man, and his mouth
>  is smoother than oil; But his other end is bitter as wormwood, and
>  sharp as a two-edged sword.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, old Razor Butt.  Gotta watch out for him.  He's a sharp
} character, that one.


1285-09    (4cjh8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Arrr, me hearty!
>
> Tell this old sea dog some jokes featuring pirates.
>
> Long John Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O: Hrm... lets see here... funny stories involving pirates.... Zadoc!
}    Bring the book of Pirate Jokes!
} Z: We don't have a book of Pirate jokes of Great one!
} O: What?? How can that be? We have books of EVERYTHING!
} Z: Yessir. At least we used to sir. But then the internet came, and...
}    well... since everything is there.. I ah... that is...
} O: Are you telling me that you've gotten lazy? And that you simply
}    run searches on the internet now? Wait... this sparks an idea.
}    Pirate jokes.  Hrm... Lets see here <insert sound of typing
}    followed by an occaisional "damn" and the sound of backspacing>
}    OK, pirate jokes... Here are some.  Hrm... not bad. Bit salty for
}    my taste, but maybe our piratical friend will like 'em.
}
} Have you heard about the new pirate movie? It's rated AARRRGGH!
} How much does it cost a priate to get a piercing? A buck an ear!
} What's a pirate's favorite country? AARRRGGHentina!
} What do you call a priate that skips school? Captain Hooky!
} What's a pirate always looking for even though it's right behind him?
}   His booty!
} What has 8 arms and 8 legs? Eight pirates!
} A pirate walks into a bar with this enormous steering wheel stuck down
}   his pants. The bartender can't help but ask: "What's with the wheel?"
}   The pirate replies: "Arrrggh. It's drivin' me nuts."
}
} You owe the oracle two things:
} 1) A way to find jokes that doesn't involve pirating them off of the
}    internet
} 2) Enough gags to make a sequel to "The Pirate Movie" (which, in and of
}    itself, qualifies as a pirate joke)


1285-10    (45cil dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderful, chunderful Oracle,
> Whose name rhymes so nicely with "coracle",
> Please answer my question
> And relieve my congestion:
> What the hell *else* rhymes with Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thou supplicant most oratorical,
} This challenge is largely rhetorical.
} Of course, I do know
} Many rhymes I can show
} To the poet whose work's metaphorical.
}
} I daresay this most allegorical
} Of challenges is quite historical.
} And yet, I can rise
} To this pleasant surprise.
} My wisdom's beyond categorical.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Shakesperean sonnet ending with "orange."


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