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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When ladies' smocks of silver white do paint the meadows with > delight, it is a pale mockery of the brilliance of the Oracle, > > Where's the best place to sacrifice in the Denver Airport? I've got > a layover there for four hours next week.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       ------------ }       |..........| }   #@##@......._..| }       |......@...| }       ------------ } The priestess of Offler intones:--more-- } "Welcome to denver, pilgrim!"--more-- } You experience a strange sense of peace.--more-- } The airport security guard speaks into his walkie!--more-- } The airport security guard summons a squat!--more-- }       ------------ }       |..........| }   @@@@@......._..| }       |.......@..| }       ------------ } The airport security guard wields a club. The airport security guard } wields a club.--more-- } The airport security guard wields a mace. The airport security guard } wields a stun gun. }       ------------ }       |..........| }   @@@@-@......_..| }       |........@.| }       ------------ } The airport security guard wields a tazer.--more-- } The airport security guard shoots his tazer. The airport security guard } is hit by the tazer.--more-- } The airport security guard screams in pain! } The door closes. }       ------------ }       |........@.| }   ####+......@_..| }       |..........| }       ------------ } What do you want to sacrifice? [Who or ?*] } The blood covers the altar, and dark cloud forms!--more-- } You have summoned The Oracle!--more-- } The priestess of Offler gets angry!--more-- } The priestess of Offler summons Japanese tourists!--more-- }       |......@@@.| }       ------------ } The japanese tourist takes a picture of the oracle.--more-- } The Oracle is blinded!--more-- } The japanese tourist takes a picture of the oracle.--more-- } The japanese tourist takes a picture of you.--more-- } You are blinded by the flash!--more-- }       ------------ }       |.......II.| }   ####+......I@I.| }       |......III.| }       ------------ } It hits. It hits. It hits.--more-- } It steals the Yendorian Express card.--more-- } It hits. It hits.--more-- } You die...--more-- } Do you want your possessions identified? [ynq] (n) } } If you  have to, then do it, but it is not always a good idea } to try to convert an altar. } } You owe The Oracle a complete map of the Denver Airport branch } of the Dungeons of Doom.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and truly wise Oracle, > > Jaguar (Mac OS 10.2) does not show Happy Mac at startup like every > version before it.  What has happened to Happy Mac?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Los Angeles(TIONews) Today .05% of the world was gripped with } sadness as the carcass of Happy Mac was found dead of a self- } inflicted permanent crash via a huge electromagnet in a junkyard } near the city's Skid Row. "Happy" had been anything but of late } as a triple whammy of conflicting extensions, corrupted PRAM, } and a torpid predilection for inappropriate preference files } caused poor "Happy" to be plagued by unejectable floppy ghost } file images and a plethora of uselessly despairing fonts. In lieu } of flowers, the friends of "Happy" have asked everyone to play } a game of "Lemmings", as this was viewed by "Happy" as the only } game that 'worked worth a darn' for him with the added bonus } that the pointless world of self defeating pixelated rodents } came to symbolizes the world view of "Happy" and his followers.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and knowing Oracle, my question is this: > I hate my current job and have been tenatively offered a better job > (both paying and actual job function) at another company. The problem > is, the other company is currently in a hiring freeze. I have been in > contact with the hiring manager there, and he assures me that once > their hiring freeze is lifted, they will be contacting me with a job > offer. My question is, will I ever be offered this better job and will > I ever escape the drudgery of my current one? > Thank you in advance. I offer as sacrifice a stuffed monkey that sits > on top of my monitor all day long, taunting and tormenting me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle asks you to consider the story of X, an employee } of the PRI company.  Y, who was a former employee of P, had } taken a job at the R company, and let out the news that he } was hiring.  X went there on a job interview, and only by } chance discovered that Y only imagined that he could hire. } He actually did not have a job req, did not have anything to } do with hiring decisions, and was in no way at the manager he } apparently thought he was. } } X did not leave his position at P until he had an actual } job offer in writing from another company. } } For those who might try to guess the identities of X and Y, } I can only tell you that Y was not the P employee who once } said, "What is this software?  Would someone show me the } software?  Is it the marks on the paper, or the holes punched } in the paper tape?"  No, it was someone else who was even worse, } but they had the same first name.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, I can tell you are kind and good, > > Why do deer eat the pretty innocent flowers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because deer are jealous. Only one in five males are able to mate } before they are killed in territorial battles, hunting season, or } traffic mishaps. Flowers, on the other hand, mate continuously evey } season. } } Let me put it another way: wouldn't you, under the circumstances, do } the same thing? } } You owe the Oracle a salt lick.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OwiseOracleIalreadyprayedtothecomputerhardwaregodsand > theydidn'thelpmuchsoIthoughtmaybeyoucoulddosomething > forme. > > Myspacebardoesn'twork.Ihavegottenusedtoitbynowbutam > wonderingwhat,inyourmostesteemedopinion,isthebest > choiceformenow. > > I_could_underscore_between_words.__However,_this_makes_ > it_look_like_I'm_emphasizing_everything_or_trying_to_ > underline_everything,_and_forces_me_to_emphasize_ > like_*this*_when_I_really_like_underscores_for_emphasis. > > I-tried-dashes-too,-and-they-let-me-_emphasize_-properly, > -but-mathematical-notation-goes-out-the-window. > > Tildes~are~fun~but~so~far~away~and~hard~to~use. > > I'MstillNOTsureABOUTthisKINDofALTERNATINGcaps. > > Or,ICouldTryToCapitalizeEveryWord,ButForSmallWords > LikeAIOfOrItAndSoOnMakesThingsABitCluttered. > > Anyothersuggestions,wisestofthewise?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you could try copying and pasting spaces into your words. } Yep, it's a bit of work but nothing says you care like that little } bit of effort to try and be readable for your target audience. } Here's a whole bunch of spaces you can use: } } } } } } } } } } } Provided you don't use them all at once that should get you through } the day. } } You owe the Oracle some tildes, I'm all out at the moment.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who doesn't ever have to resort to subterfuge, but > does so purely for style reasons, > > Why do strange women come up to me and ask me to approach > other strange women and say, "Is your name Melissa? I've > been watching you."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately supplicant, like so many other Americans you have } become the unwitting pawn of international terrorists. This simple } little act is being used to convey top secret information between } middle eastern operatives. You've been targeted because the clothing } you wear and general appearance provide the coded information that } the terrorists wish to communicate. The technique is as follows: } } Terrorist A wishes to talk to Terrorist B but doing so would alert } Law Enforcement C to their plans and provide a connection between } A and B. So, instead A employs female D to approach you (unsuspecting } schmoe E) on the pretext of pulling a joke on a friend and gets her } to direct you to ask unsuspecting female schmoe F if her name is } Melissa. Terrorist B who is watching F then sees you E provide the } special coded phrase to F and can interpret from your appearance that: } } unwashed hair = in a few days } glasses = target } Hawaiian shirt = tourist destination } red shorts = deadly attack } green socks = home made nuclear device } open toed sandles = disregard message due to complete inability of } schmoe E to dress in a coherent fashion. we will now pity the american } people instead of attacking them. } } It's an ingenious system that takes a bit of work to use but after } months of training in Afghanistan, sleeper cells have become adept at } using this method to communicate complex plans of attack. Do your part } today and start wearing white socks (surrender to local authorities) } with open toed sandles (disregard previous plans).

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Wonderful Oracle, who knows more useless facts than all of the hosts > of Who Wants to be a Millionaire from around the world combined. > > Could you please tell me the absolute minimum time required to write a > 25,000 word thesis? > > I have heard a rumour that someone actually managed to do this in 48 > hours straight. > > Your humble supplicant awaits your advice before attempting to actually > arrange some kind of 'schedule'.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It doesn't take 48 hours. . .it can be done in one hour. That is, if } you copy it from Sparknotes or Cliffnotes or something. Don't expect to } be able to do it any other way. } } You owe the Oracle a 45,000 word thesis on why using Sparknotes or } Cliffnotes is immoral and shouldn't be done. And don't even think about } it; I can view those sites too, you know.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  For honey is dropping from the lips of the strange man, and his mouth >  is smoother than oil; But his other end is bitter as wormwood, and >  sharp as a two-edged sword.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, old Razor Butt.  Gotta watch out for him.  He's a sharp } character, that one.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Arrr, me hearty! > > Tell this old sea dog some jokes featuring pirates. > > Long John Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O: Hrm... lets see here... funny stories involving pirates.... Zadoc! }    Bring the book of Pirate Jokes! } Z: We don't have a book of Pirate jokes of Great one! } O: What?? How can that be? We have books of EVERYTHING! } Z: Yessir. At least we used to sir. But then the internet came, and... }    well... since everything is there.. I ah... that is... } O: Are you telling me that you've gotten lazy? And that you simply }    run searches on the internet now? Wait... this sparks an idea. }    Pirate jokes.  Hrm... Lets see here <insert sound of typing }    followed by an occaisional "damn" and the sound of backspacing> }    OK, pirate jokes... Here are some.  Hrm... not bad. Bit salty for }    my taste, but maybe our piratical friend will like 'em. } } Have you heard about the new pirate movie? It's rated AARRRGGH! } How much does it cost a priate to get a piercing? A buck an ear! } What's a pirate's favorite country? AARRRGGHentina! } What do you call a priate that skips school? Captain Hooky! } What's a pirate always looking for even though it's right behind him? }   His booty! } What has 8 arms and 8 legs? Eight pirates! } A pirate walks into a bar with this enormous steering wheel stuck down }   his pants. The bartender can't help but ask: "What's with the wheel?" }   The pirate replies: "Arrrggh. It's drivin' me nuts." } } You owe the oracle two things: } 1) A way to find jokes that doesn't involve pirating them off of the }    internet } 2) Enough gags to make a sequel to "The Pirate Movie" (which, in and of }    itself, qualifies as a pirate joke)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderful, chunderful Oracle, > Whose name rhymes so nicely with "coracle", > Please answer my question > And relieve my congestion: > What the hell *else* rhymes with Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thou supplicant most oratorical, } This challenge is largely rhetorical. } Of course, I do know } Many rhymes I can show } To the poet whose work's metaphorical. } } I daresay this most allegorical } Of challenges is quite historical. } And yet, I can rise } To this pleasant surprise. } My wisdom's beyond categorical. } } You owe the Oracle a Shakesperean sonnet ending with "orange."