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Internet Oracularities #1286

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Internet Oracularities #1286    (64 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 08 Oct 2002 13:13:40 -0500 (EST)

@@@ 'Twas on this day, ere nigh ten and three years ago, that the
@@@ presence of the great Oracle did burst forth upon the ethers of
@@@ the Usenet, and yea even the Internet!
@@@
@@@ Damn, boys, we're getting old ...

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1286
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1286  64 votes 3fng7 38pp3 2fqe7 19nr4 2dzb3 3adnf 25frf 3eqf6 6gre1 56rfb
1286  3.2 mean  3.1   3.3   3.1   3.4   3.0   3.6   3.8   3.1   2.8   3.3


1286-01    (3fng7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the most common human languages on the internet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Trollish, Flamish, Leet, Rot13, Klingon (ok not really a human
} language but most of the writers are), Line noise, ASL and Esperanto.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question written in Klingon.


1286-02    (38pp3 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh wondrous Oracle, whose very tonsils I am unfit to polish, ...
>  just what is it that tonsils do, again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sheesh, either write it down or stop inviting them to your dinner
} parties.
}
} James Tonsil, 49, works downtown as a stock broker. Hobbies include
} building elaborate model train landscapes, playing drums with a few
} friends with which he's formed a band (named George W. Bush's Pretzel,
} GWBP for short), and making homemade pin~atas to sell at Mexican craft
} fairs.
}
} Maria, 43, his wife, is a career homemaker and raises the couple's only
} child, Mark, 8. Her hobbies include knitting sweaters for their three
} dogs, aerobicize classes, and gossip. Be careful what you say around
} Maria unless you want the whole housing development to know about it.
}
} Mark, their child, is an elementary school student. His hobbies include
} putting frogs down the backs of girls' dresses, making tree forts, and
} secretly planning his ultimate escape from this mortal plane. He is
} also very good about brushing his teeth every night and has a great
} smile.
}
} You owe the Oracle some more of those scrumptious hors d'ourves.


1286-03    (2fqe7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fortuitous Oracle, I am your 3-2-ituous Supplican't.  My very existence
> is an act of grovelling, as my extremely dreadful intellect's dullness
> makes your normal, everyday Omniscience shine like the reflection of
> my face in your boot, as it nears my teeth.
>
> I'm having a lot of trouble with the major questions of philosophy and
> religion.  You, of course, have solved all of themm.  Could you give me
> a hint of an answer for each of these?
>
>   - Evil:  If God is good, and if He made everything, why or how
>            did He make evil?  Or at least why doesn't he do
>            something about it?  Does it secretly please Him?
>
>   - Money: If the love of money is the root of all evil, then
>            perhaps I could help.  I'll build a money-hating bin,
>            and people who want to get rid of evil can pour their
>            evil-generating money into my bin, where I'll hate it
>            for them.  Is there a hidden flaw I've overlooked?
>
>   - Doubt: If you know everything, why am I always trying to
>            trip you up by asking hidden-woodchuck questions
>            and other stuff like that, testing your already
>            perfect knowledge?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's only because it's Labor Day (a regional holiday) in the
} Time Zone where Yawhweh is at the moment ( cooking hamburgers
} if you must know what He's doing ) that I, the Oracle, will
} explain this instead of forwarding it to Him -- He hates
} getting bugged while he's entertaining. . .
}
} >  - Evil:  If God is good, and if He made everything, why or how
} >            did He make evil?  Or at least why doesn't he do
} >            something about it?  Does it secretly please Him?
}
}      Two things in play here;
}
}       #1: You can't have Good without Evil, try to imagine
}           a world without darkness or shadow, light would
}           be a non-concept. Yin-Yang and all that. Evil -has-
}           to be for you to know Good. You might as well wish
}           for A Queue with all answers and no questions, it
}           won't make sense. For an example of that look at the
}           chaos of the all reply Hell known as rhod.
}
}       #2: Yahweh is not some slave driving, puppet master --
}           that is such a tiring and in the end boring way to
}           run a universe. Humans and hamsters, (don't ask why)
}           have free will. Evil is when you choices are "wrong",
}           that is they are acts against The Rules in Yahweh's
}           best selling Book. Do some folks like breaking the
}           rules? Yup. Their doing, not Yahweh's. He's more of
}           the school of "If you love something, let it run
}           around and do what it wants for four score and ten,
}           and if it blows it then throw it in a pit of bubbling
}           lava for eternity".
}
} >   - Money: If the love of money is the root of all evil, then
} >            perhaps I could help.  I'll build a money-hating bin,
} >            and people who want to get rid of evil can pour their
} >            evil-generating money into my bin, where I'll hate it
} >            for them.  Is there a hidden flaw I've overlooked?
}
}              Erm, what do you think is the purpose of collection
}              plates at churches?
}
} >   - Doubt: If you know everything, why am I always trying to
} >            trip you up by asking hidden-woodchuck questions
} >            and other stuff like that, testing your already
} >            perfect knowledge?
}
}              Re-read the section marked #2 above you naughty
}              supplicant you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a heavenly cheese burger.


1286-04    (19nr4 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, what's the recipe for a genuinely tasty rocket
> fuel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know, it's so nice to hear from a fellow gourmand, once in a while.
} So many of the kids who stop by, nibbling their powdered aluminum and
} ammonium perchlorate, simply have no concept of subtlety or nuance
} of flavor.  A little fizz, a little burn, that's all they care about.
} No depth of character, those sots.
}
} Anyway... you seek a genuinely tasty rocket fuel, eh?  Zadoc!
} Fetch the Bar Manual! ...
}
} Hmm....  Open it to page 673, please.  No, too much ammonia.   Try
} page 704... Nah, that one's a bit syrupy.  Here, give me that book.
} Let's see.... no.  No.  Not that one.  Eww!  ... Nope.
}
} Sorry, there are no genuinely tasty rocket fuels.   They're all
} somewhere between Keystone beer and Healthy Choice enchiladas.
}
} Tell you what:   I like you, so I'll tell you how to make a really
} good Margarita instead.
}
} First, put some ice in a tall glass.  Pour in a healthy shot of
} the cheapest plastic-bottle tequila you can find.  Don't waste your
} money on the name brands.  Then pour in some more.   Then pour in
} some triple sec.  (Geez, you don't measure this stuff, do you?!)
}
} Secret number 1:  Squeeze in half a lime. Don't worry about the pulp.
} No cheating--no bottled lime juice or sweet 'n sour mix.  If it's
} a dry, wintery lime, squeeze in the other half.  Limes are cheap,
} and your life is short.
}
} Secret number 2:  Add just a spritz, just a couple of drops, a
} smidgeon, a dab, a dribble, an eighth of a dollop, of amareto liqueur.
}
} Fill the glass with plain, cold water.   Stir.  Taste.  Too weak,
} right?  Now add the tequila and triple sec that you were afraid to
} pour in the first time.   Stir again.  Enjoy.  Repeat until you can't
} remember the flavor of cheap, nasty rocket fuel.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of Montezuma and a lime.


1286-05    (2dzb3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, please tell me...where do my scissors keep
> disappearing to?
>
> As a sacrifice I offer a roll of parcel tape I am unable to use due to
> the lack of scissors.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I'll tell you then:
}
}   The pair you just lost have joined a company of travelling
} actors to live out its dream of playing Macbeth. (Not doing
} very well, it's a lousy actor and has so far mostly been used
} to repair costumes).
}
}   The pair you lost before them have become a pair of authors
} of the popular ``Stay Sharp'', their diary from when they lived
} with you. (Naughty boy!)
}
}   The pair before them are now rusting at the bottom of Shanghai
} harbor, due to problems with the local mafia.
}
}   The pair before them are burried in your parents back yard.
} Don't ask why.
}
}   And that's all the pairs of scissors you've lost. Tadaa.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything, as long as you wrap that parcel
} tape three (3) times around your head and wear it as a hat for the
} rest of the month.


1286-06    (3adnf dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Championed Oracle, who could beat Hercules in an arm wrestling
> match with his left arm, and who could easily outrun the North Wind but
> chooses not to;
>
> What is the meaning of haggis?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't think you could stomach the answer.


1286-07    (25frf dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From: Zadoc
> Subject: OOTO Monday and Tuesday
> Date: Fri, 20 Sep 2002
> To: Temple Staff <oracle+staff@cs.indiana.edu>
>
> I'll be out of the office undergoing a painful quadruple root canal on
> Monday and Tuesday. In my absence, if you need someone to lick your
> boots, be generally menial, or be a whipping post, Og will be glad to
> step forward. I should be back Wednesday, and boy would a kick in the
> teeth hurt then!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From: The Oracle
} Subject: Food
} Date: Sat, 21 Sep 2002
} To: Temple Staff <oracle+staff@cs.indiana.edu>
}
} Starting Monday I want the only foods available in the
} commissary to be peanut brittle, beef jerky, raw almonds,
} and ice cubes.


1286-08    (3eqf6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As your former CEO, I would like to take the time to thank some people.
>
> First off, a big thank you to the slackers in accounting. First for
> being too dimwitted to notice my tricks, second for being too
> incompetant to destroy evidence when ordered to.
>
> Next I'd like to thank the board of directors for agreeing with me that
> my legal expensives should be covered by the company.
>
> Thirdly, I wish to thank all the profit hungry investors whose money
> I was so easily able to obtain. A fool and his money ...
>
> Also, I must not forget to thank all you poor stiffs whose presence
> and hard work made the whole scheme seem plausible enough to dupe the
> investors.
>
> Lastly I'd like to thank my friends in the DA's office for agreeing to
> request for house arrest for me, so I don't have to be too inconvienced
> by this whole thing.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Michael.
}
} What were the last words of Bill Gates?
}
} That is correct, for $1000.  You next category please.
}
} Alex, I'll take Famous Last words for $800.
}
} "Hillary, I meant it, I did not have sexual relations with that woman."
}
} David.
}
} What were the final words of Chelsea Clinton?
}
} That is correct.  For $400, the Final Answer in this round is, "The
} tribe has spoken."
}
} David.
}
} What were the final words of Jeff Probst?
}
} <sniff> You are correct. <sniff> I miss Jeff, he was a good man.
} He copied my show and gave it a rock and roll theme.  They shouldn't
} have let that Texan on Survivor 9 have a loaded gun as a luxury item.
} <sniff> Cut to commercials.
}
} You owe the Oracle a famous last quote worth foreseeing.


1286-09    (6gre1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle most wise, who is never sore nor a loser, tell me:
>
> Which is better, entertaining lies or the unpleasant truth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Easy. The Lies. They always seem to laugh at the jokes whether they
} understand them or not. Plus, the Truth is a lousy tipper.
}
} You owe the Oracle new tap shoes.


1286-10    (56rfb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> THE EPISTLE TO THE ORACLE
>
> Chapter 1
>
> 1 Supplicant, a servant of the Oracle,
> 2 To the wise and gracious Oracle, who forgives the appearance of the
> hotmail footer, 3 who zots the lowly and foolish with his mighty
> power 4 and eases the troubled minds of the lowly supplicant,
> 5 together with Zadok, Og, and the Oracle household.
> 6 Grace and peace to you from the Almighty God.
>
> 7 I thank my God every time I remember you.  8 In all my prayers for
> you, I always pray with joy, 9 knowing that my answers will be swift
> and my payments small.  10 And this is my prayer, that your mercy and
> humor may abound more and more to us lowly supplicants.
>
> Chapter 2
>
> 1 Now I want you to know, Oracle, that I adore you greatly, 2 and
> that I have much respect for your Staff of Zot and your immense
> wisdom.  3 Therefore, I have come to you with a question of
> great importance, 4 trusting that you will answer me with greatest
> care and completeness, 5 entrusting me with your wisdom and the
> fullness of your knowledge.
>
> 6 Have I been reading the Bible too much lately?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} LAMENTATIONS 6
}
} 1 Oh Supplicant, longing for knowledge and wisdom,
} 2 thy question hath not fallen upon deaf ears,
} 3 for thou hath asked the omni-omniescent oracle,
} 4 the shrine of wisdom and knowledge,
} 5 the source of never-ending enlightenment,
} 6 a fountain of joy and information.
}
} 7 Thy question shall be answered,
} 8 thy thirst shall be quenched,
} 9 thy wounds shall be healed,
} 10 thy soul shall be nurtured,
} 11 for mine is the knowledge,
} 12 and the wisdom and the power,
} 13 for now and for ever.
}
} 14 Thou hath not read the bible too much,
} 15 for thou cannot do so,
} 16 for the bible is the book of books,
} 17 the thing of things,
} 18 the holy grail of holiness,
} 19 word of His words,
} 20 knowledge of His knowledge,
} 21 flesh of His flesh,
} 22 blood of His blood
} 23 hair of His Hair,
} 24 dandruff of His dandruff
} 25 Well, let's stop it here...
}
} 26 Thou hath not read the bible too much,
} 27 for though thou hath mastered the annotation,
} 28 inserting numbers whenever 29 thou 30 pleases 31 so
} 32 But thou hath not learned the language,
} 33 that thou shall use to write,
} 34 for Shakespeare would dye of envy,
} 35 and that text of thine
} 36 hath no footnotes[1] at all,
} 37 for footnotes[2] are important,
} 38 to make thine text illegible[3]
}
} 39 So go back to your scriptures,
} 40 and continue to read the book of books,
} 41 the thing of things,
} 42 the ho...STOP!
} 43 for thou hath only read one version,
} 44 but thou shall read every version,
} 45 be it New King James or English Standard Version,
} 46 the Amplified Bible or the New International Version,
} 47 thou shall know them all,
} 48 and compare them to each other.
} 49 (Oh, and of course learn them by heart)
}
} 50 For when thou hath done that, thy quest shall not be over.
} 51 Go forth and learn Latin and Greek, Hebrew and Aramaeic.
} 52 Then thou shall read the original scriptures,
} 53 and compare them to each other.
} 54 Then thou may return and ask the Oracle again,
} 55 for then thou surely hath been reading the bible too much.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Qumran scriptures.
}
} [1] footnotes: pesky, annoying little inserts that keep you from
} continous reading.
} [2] Really annoying, aren't they?
} [3] Sorry, could not resist


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