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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the most common human languages on the internet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Trollish, Flamish, Leet, Rot13, Klingon (ok not really a human } language but most of the writers are), Line noise, ASL and Esperanto. } } You owe the Oracle a question written in Klingon.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh wondrous Oracle, whose very tonsils I am unfit to polish, ... >  just what is it that tonsils do, again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sheesh, either write it down or stop inviting them to your dinner } parties. } } James Tonsil, 49, works downtown as a stock broker. Hobbies include } building elaborate model train landscapes, playing drums with a few } friends with which he's formed a band (named George W. Bush's Pretzel, } GWBP for short), and making homemade pin~atas to sell at Mexican craft } fairs. } } Maria, 43, his wife, is a career homemaker and raises the couple's only } child, Mark, 8. Her hobbies include knitting sweaters for their three } dogs, aerobicize classes, and gossip. Be careful what you say around } Maria unless you want the whole housing development to know about it. } } Mark, their child, is an elementary school student. His hobbies include } putting frogs down the backs of girls' dresses, making tree forts, and } secretly planning his ultimate escape from this mortal plane. He is } also very good about brushing his teeth every night and has a great } smile. } } You owe the Oracle some more of those scrumptious hors d'ourves.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fortuitous Oracle, I am your 3-2-ituous Supplican't.  My very existence > is an act of grovelling, as my extremely dreadful intellect's dullness > makes your normal, everyday Omniscience shine like the reflection of > my face in your boot, as it nears my teeth. > > I'm having a lot of trouble with the major questions of philosophy and > religion.  You, of course, have solved all of themm.  Could you give me > a hint of an answer for each of these? > >   - Evil:  If God is good, and if He made everything, why or how >            did He make evil?  Or at least why doesn't he do >            something about it?  Does it secretly please Him? > >   - Money: If the love of money is the root of all evil, then >            perhaps I could help.  I'll build a money-hating bin, >            and people who want to get rid of evil can pour their >            evil-generating money into my bin, where I'll hate it >            for them.  Is there a hidden flaw I've overlooked? > >   - Doubt: If you know everything, why am I always trying to >            trip you up by asking hidden-woodchuck questions >            and other stuff like that, testing your already >            perfect knowledge?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's only because it's Labor Day (a regional holiday) in the } Time Zone where Yawhweh is at the moment ( cooking hamburgers } if you must know what He's doing ) that I, the Oracle, will } explain this instead of forwarding it to Him -- He hates } getting bugged while he's entertaining. . . } } >  - Evil:  If God is good, and if He made everything, why or how } >            did He make evil?  Or at least why doesn't he do } >            something about it?  Does it secretly please Him? } }      Two things in play here; } }       #1: You can't have Good without Evil, try to imagine }           a world without darkness or shadow, light would }           be a non-concept. Yin-Yang and all that. Evil -has- }           to be for you to know Good. You might as well wish }           for A Queue with all answers and no questions, it }           won't make sense. For an example of that look at the }           chaos of the all reply Hell known as rhod. } }       #2: Yahweh is not some slave driving, puppet master -- }           that is such a tiring and in the end boring way to }           run a universe. Humans and hamsters, (don't ask why) }           have free will. Evil is when you choices are "wrong", }           that is they are acts against The Rules in Yahweh's }           best selling Book. Do some folks like breaking the }           rules? Yup. Their doing, not Yahweh's. He's more of }           the school of "If you love something, let it run }           around and do what it wants for four score and ten, }           and if it blows it then throw it in a pit of bubbling }           lava for eternity". } } >   - Money: If the love of money is the root of all evil, then } >            perhaps I could help.  I'll build a money-hating bin, } >            and people who want to get rid of evil can pour their } >            evil-generating money into my bin, where I'll hate it } >            for them.  Is there a hidden flaw I've overlooked? } }              Erm, what do you think is the purpose of collection }              plates at churches? } } >   - Doubt: If you know everything, why am I always trying to } >            trip you up by asking hidden-woodchuck questions } >            and other stuff like that, testing your already } >            perfect knowledge? } }              Re-read the section marked #2 above you naughty }              supplicant you. } } You owe the Oracle a heavenly cheese burger.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, what's the recipe for a genuinely tasty rocket > fuel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know, it's so nice to hear from a fellow gourmand, once in a while. } So many of the kids who stop by, nibbling their powdered aluminum and } ammonium perchlorate, simply have no concept of subtlety or nuance } of flavor.  A little fizz, a little burn, that's all they care about. } No depth of character, those sots. } } Anyway... you seek a genuinely tasty rocket fuel, eh?  Zadoc! } Fetch the Bar Manual! ... } } Hmm....  Open it to page 673, please.  No, too much ammonia.   Try } page 704... Nah, that one's a bit syrupy.  Here, give me that book. } Let's see.... no.  No.  Not that one.  Eww!  ... Nope. } } Sorry, there are no genuinely tasty rocket fuels.   They're all } somewhere between Keystone beer and Healthy Choice enchiladas. } } Tell you what:   I like you, so I'll tell you how to make a really } good Margarita instead. } } First, put some ice in a tall glass.  Pour in a healthy shot of } the cheapest plastic-bottle tequila you can find.  Don't waste your } money on the name brands.  Then pour in some more.   Then pour in } some triple sec.  (Geez, you don't measure this stuff, do you?!) } } Secret number 1:  Squeeze in half a lime. Don't worry about the pulp. } No cheating--no bottled lime juice or sweet 'n sour mix.  If it's } a dry, wintery lime, squeeze in the other half.  Limes are cheap, } and your life is short. } } Secret number 2:  Add just a spritz, just a couple of drops, a } smidgeon, a dab, a dribble, an eighth of a dollop, of amareto liqueur. } } Fill the glass with plain, cold water.   Stir.  Taste.  Too weak, } right?  Now add the tequila and triple sec that you were afraid to } pour in the first time.   Stir again.  Enjoy.  Repeat until you can't } remember the flavor of cheap, nasty rocket fuel. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Montezuma and a lime.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, please tell me...where do my scissors keep > disappearing to? > > As a sacrifice I offer a roll of parcel tape I am unable to use due to > the lack of scissors.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I'll tell you then: } }   The pair you just lost have joined a company of travelling } actors to live out its dream of playing Macbeth. (Not doing } very well, it's a lousy actor and has so far mostly been used } to repair costumes). } }   The pair you lost before them have become a pair of authors } of the popular ``Stay Sharp'', their diary from when they lived } with you. (Naughty boy!) } }   The pair before them are now rusting at the bottom of Shanghai } harbor, due to problems with the local mafia. } }   The pair before them are burried in your parents back yard. } Don't ask why. } }   And that's all the pairs of scissors you've lost. Tadaa. } } You don't owe the Oracle anything, as long as you wrap that parcel } tape three (3) times around your head and wear it as a hat for the } rest of the month.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Championed Oracle, who could beat Hercules in an arm wrestling > match with his left arm, and who could easily outrun the North Wind but > chooses not to; > > What is the meaning of haggis?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't think you could stomach the answer.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From: Zadoc > Subject: OOTO Monday and Tuesday > Date: Fri, 20 Sep 2002 > To: Temple Staff <oracle+staff@cs.indiana.edu> > > I'll be out of the office undergoing a painful quadruple root canal on > Monday and Tuesday. In my absence, if you need someone to lick your > boots, be generally menial, or be a whipping post, Og will be glad to > step forward. I should be back Wednesday, and boy would a kick in the > teeth hurt then!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From: The Oracle } Subject: Food } Date: Sat, 21 Sep 2002 } To: Temple Staff <oracle+staff@cs.indiana.edu> } } Starting Monday I want the only foods available in the } commissary to be peanut brittle, beef jerky, raw almonds, } and ice cubes.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As your former CEO, I would like to take the time to thank some people. > > First off, a big thank you to the slackers in accounting. First for > being too dimwitted to notice my tricks, second for being too > incompetant to destroy evidence when ordered to. > > Next I'd like to thank the board of directors for agreeing with me that > my legal expensives should be covered by the company. > > Thirdly, I wish to thank all the profit hungry investors whose money > I was so easily able to obtain. A fool and his money ... > > Also, I must not forget to thank all you poor stiffs whose presence > and hard work made the whole scheme seem plausible enough to dupe the > investors. > > Lastly I'd like to thank my friends in the DA's office for agreeing to > request for house arrest for me, so I don't have to be too inconvienced > by this whole thing.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Michael. } } What were the last words of Bill Gates? } } That is correct, for $1000.  You next category please. } } Alex, I'll take Famous Last words for $800. } } "Hillary, I meant it, I did not have sexual relations with that woman." } } David. } } What were the final words of Chelsea Clinton? } } That is correct.  For $400, the Final Answer in this round is, "The } tribe has spoken." } } David. } } What were the final words of Jeff Probst? } } <sniff> You are correct. <sniff> I miss Jeff, he was a good man. } He copied my show and gave it a rock and roll theme.  They shouldn't } have let that Texan on Survivor 9 have a loaded gun as a luxury item. } <sniff> Cut to commercials. } } You owe the Oracle a famous last quote worth foreseeing.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle most wise, who is never sore nor a loser, tell me: > > Which is better, entertaining lies or the unpleasant truth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Easy. The Lies. They always seem to laugh at the jokes whether they } understand them or not. Plus, the Truth is a lousy tipper. } } You owe the Oracle new tap shoes.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> THE EPISTLE TO THE ORACLE > > Chapter 1 > > 1 Supplicant, a servant of the Oracle, > 2 To the wise and gracious Oracle, who forgives the appearance of the > hotmail footer, 3 who zots the lowly and foolish with his mighty > power 4 and eases the troubled minds of the lowly supplicant, > 5 together with Zadok, Og, and the Oracle household. > 6 Grace and peace to you from the Almighty God. > > 7 I thank my God every time I remember you.  8 In all my prayers for > you, I always pray with joy, 9 knowing that my answers will be swift > and my payments small.  10 And this is my prayer, that your mercy and > humor may abound more and more to us lowly supplicants. > > Chapter 2 > > 1 Now I want you to know, Oracle, that I adore you greatly, 2 and > that I have much respect for your Staff of Zot and your immense > wisdom.  3 Therefore, I have come to you with a question of > great importance, 4 trusting that you will answer me with greatest > care and completeness, 5 entrusting me with your wisdom and the > fullness of your knowledge. > > 6 Have I been reading the Bible too much lately?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} LAMENTATIONS 6 } } 1 Oh Supplicant, longing for knowledge and wisdom, } 2 thy question hath not fallen upon deaf ears, } 3 for thou hath asked the omni-omniescent oracle, } 4 the shrine of wisdom and knowledge, } 5 the source of never-ending enlightenment, } 6 a fountain of joy and information. } } 7 Thy question shall be answered, } 8 thy thirst shall be quenched, } 9 thy wounds shall be healed, } 10 thy soul shall be nurtured, } 11 for mine is the knowledge, } 12 and the wisdom and the power, } 13 for now and for ever. } } 14 Thou hath not read the bible too much, } 15 for thou cannot do so, } 16 for the bible is the book of books, } 17 the thing of things, } 18 the holy grail of holiness, } 19 word of His words, } 20 knowledge of His knowledge, } 21 flesh of His flesh, } 22 blood of His blood } 23 hair of His Hair, } 24 dandruff of His dandruff } 25 Well, let's stop it here... } } 26 Thou hath not read the bible too much, } 27 for though thou hath mastered the annotation, } 28 inserting numbers whenever 29 thou 30 pleases 31 so } 32 But thou hath not learned the language, } 33 that thou shall use to write, } 34 for Shakespeare would dye of envy, } 35 and that text of thine } 36 hath no footnotes[1] at all, } 37 for footnotes[2] are important, } 38 to make thine text illegible[3] } } 39 So go back to your scriptures, } 40 and continue to read the book of books, } 41 the thing of things, } 42 the ho...STOP! } 43 for thou hath only read one version, } 44 but thou shall read every version, } 45 be it New King James or English Standard Version, } 46 the Amplified Bible or the New International Version, } 47 thou shall know them all, } 48 and compare them to each other. } 49 (Oh, and of course learn them by heart) } } 50 For when thou hath done that, thy quest shall not be over. } 51 Go forth and learn Latin and Greek, Hebrew and Aramaeic. } 52 Then thou shall read the original scriptures, } 53 and compare them to each other. } 54 Then thou may return and ask the Oracle again, } 55 for then thou surely hath been reading the bible too much. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Qumran scriptures. } } [1] footnotes: pesky, annoying little inserts that keep you from } continous reading. } [2] Really annoying, aren't they? } [3] Sorry, could not resist