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Internet Oracularities #1287

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1287, 1287-01, 1287-02, 1287-03, 1287-04, 1287-05, 1287-06, 1287-07, 1287-08, 1287-09, 1287-10


Internet Oracularities #1287    (64 votes, 3.4 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 20 Oct 2002 19:11:58 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1287
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1287  64 votes 5fnab 2gjm5 3bfob 34djp 36nie 28oq4 2fkj8 5arg6 48rg9 18sha
1287  3.4 mean  3.1   3.2   3.5   3.9   3.5   3.3   3.2   3.1   3.3   3.4


1287-01    (5fnab dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> HEY LISA! BACK OFF! THE ORACLE IS MINE! GET YOUR OWN MAN!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa's Top 10 Responses:
}
} 10.   Why the heck did she steal my inflatable love doll?
} 9.    You say this as if The Oracle was the only one who can <ZOT>
}       people.
} 8.    Help!  My man has been kidnapped by a MIME using ALL CAPS!
} 7.    Damn that man!  I told him to stay out of my pheromones!
}       He always uses too much.
} 6.    The Oracle *is* my own man.
} 5.    Well, *that* got rid of him.  Oops!  I mean: 'Oh, no!  Leave him
}       alone, you homewrecker!'
} 4.    No, honey, you just don't understand orgy etiquette...
} 3.    You forest nymphs get pushier and pushier every year.  I'm calling
}       a landscaper.
} 2.    Technically, The Oracle is *his*.  He just *shares* himself with
}       me, and I him.
}
} And the #1 Lisa Response:
}
} 1.    Oh, Orrie!  Not the cat-fighting fantasy again!


1287-02    (2gjm5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What kind of drugs are you on, that make you think *that* answer was
> funny?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, the Oracle has a cold and isn't at his best.  Please
} sent a large stamped, addressed envelope to oracle@cs.indiana.edu
} and the giraffe, jar of mayonaisse and comedy anvil you submitted
} in payment will be returned.


1287-03    (3bfob dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most awful,
>
> Could you tell me "The Top 10 Worst Top 10 List Ideas"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As requested:
}
} 10. The Top 10 Serial Numbers for Stolen VCRs
} [honestly, I think the problem here was doing this one quantitatively -
} there ended up being a three hundred seventy-nine million, six hundred
} forty two thousand, three hundred fifty nine way tie for second place,
} with the winner (by a longshot) being any series of most illegible
} numbers]
}
} 9. The Top 40 Reasons to Give All Your Money to the RIAA
} [Not only was this "list" nothing more than thirty four revealing
} pictures of Britney Spears, five copies of the latest surprisingly good
} album by Vanessa Carlton, a schlocky impassioned plea that reeked from
} the stench of capitalist payola greed, by totally credible and
} completely talented and definitely not past their prime band Metallica,
} and finally a creepy, vaguely satanic diatribe by Hillary Cohen - not
} ONLY are these are top TEN lists, not top FORTY - but finally, also,
} additionally, after careful research by impartial third parties, it was
} found that the numbers added up to a sum total much higher than the
} RIAA was willing to admit. Whoops!]
}
} 8. The Top 10 Reasons why Kirk Was Better than Picard
} and
} 7. The Top 10 Reasons why Picard Was Better than Kirk
} [for obvious reasons. Note that TTTRWKWBTP is slightly less stupid than
} TTTRWPWBTK, since everyone knows that whatever idea comes second is
} typically an inferior knockoff of the idea that came first, and
} TTTRWKWBTP was floating around several nanoseconds longer than
} TTTRWPWBTK]
}
} 6. The Top 10 Reasons to Date That Nice Sweet Actress Jodie Foster
} Instead of that Cute Girl at the Supermarket Checkout Line Who Keeps
} Smiling at You and Occasionally Following You Home and You're Sure that
} You Saw Her Winking at You, but Her Boyfriend Would Probably Say There
} Was Just Something In Her Eye but We Know Better Don't We We'll Show
} Them We'll Show Them All Hahahahahahaha Ahahahaha--
} [the compiler of this list was sadly incarcerated before he made it
} past number eight]
}
} 5. The Top Ten Most Incredible Uses Of
} [nobody could find the rest of the title]
}
} 4. The Top Ten Polysyllablic Trans-Driftal Subjects Between M-$ and the
} Netherworld Home, Excluding the Fifth-Dimensional Bogarts & All
} Instances of the Factorial When Encountering a Quark Fractoid and/or
} Fractal [even I, in all My infinite wisdom, was only able to find
} three]
}
} 3. The Top Ten Ways to Solve Myst
} [in the end, there were only three - read a walkthrough, cheat, or lie]
}
} 2. John Mayer's Ten Most Poignant Lyrics and Insightful Interview
} Comments [The only age/gender demographic that gave a crap were the
} under-18 females]
}
} And, of course, the worst top ten idea ever...
}
} 1. The Top 10 Worst Top Ten Ideas.
} [duh]
}
} The Oracle owes YOU a pair of heavy prescription glasses if you didn't
} see that "zinger" coming a mile away.


1287-04    (34djp dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are men so obsessed with breasts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ...
}
} *looks back up*
}
} Sorry, what were you saying?


1287-05    (36nie dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most honorific,
>
> What's all this about the birds and the bees?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most people call it "air".


1287-06    (28oq4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Erm, hello, sorry to bother you, I was just wondering...
>
> I get through life doing very little, and frankly this is how I
> like it. I have a modest home, and free internet 24/7, so I'm doing
> OK really.  However I want to make millions upon millions. Easy and
> often asked question "How can I make my fortune" you may be thinking
> but the catch for me is how can I make enough money to buy a Caribbean
> island WITHOUT ACTUALLY PUTTING ANY EFFORT IN?
>
> Thanks for your time Mr. or Mrs. Oracle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Without putting ANY effort in?  I don't know if this is really
} possible; after all, you've already went to the effort of asking
} The Oracle.
}       Having acknowledged that you must expend some effort, I think
} what you really want to know is how to make those millions with *as
} little effort as possible.*
}       The easiest method involves the principle of compound interest.
} Simply take any amount of money, put it in an interest-bearing account
} with a guaranteed minimum interest rate (read the fine print), and
} allow the interest to accrue until the balance reaches millions upon
} millions of dollars.  A key component of this is not to die in the
} meantime; this scheme could take millenia to achieve fruition.
}       A scheme that involves more effort but takes less time
} consists of telephone or mail fraud.  I should warn you, however,
} that this is illegal, quite easily traceable, and will damn your
} immortal soul to hell.
}       A scheme that involves even more effort, but is still legal
} (unfortunately), is to be a professional spammer.  This will take
} advantage of your free internet connection, but will likely involve
} the purchase of some extra equipment.  I should warn you, however,
} that although this is legal and almost untraceable, it will damn your
} immortal soul to hell (if I have any say in the matter).
}       There are many other schemes I could list out (really, there
} are millions of ways of making money), but if you're looking to put in
} as little effort as possible but avoid too much karmic retribution,
} I'd recommend becoming a charismatic cult leader, and skimming from
} the incomes of your followers.  Scientology is an excellent example
} of a very successful cult; Christianity pales in comparison, given
} Christianity's extensive governmental support and 2-*millenium* head
} start.  Personally, I'd recommend a Charles Manson "Family"-style cult
} (except without the murder), considering how many lonely, disconnected
} people there are in our modern, atomized society.  If you make "free
} love" one of your tenets (unlike Heaven's Gate), you could enjoy some
} other fringe benefits, as well.  Once your cult gets big enough,
} you could then convince your "flock" that you all need a better
} location for your cult compound (such as a nice Caribbean island),
} and they'll work harder and donate more in order to achieve this goal.
}
}       In payment for your answer, The Oracle demands you quit
} freeloading, get off your lazy ass and find a damn job already.
} Like I said, there are millions of ways of making money.


1287-07    (2fkj8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oracle most clever,
>
>  Are there any good anagrams for my name?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's find out...
} ==========
}
} shell13 ~ [19:13:09] # anagram -ff supplicant
}
} cant slip up
} catnip plus
} inputs clap
} plastic pun
} lapps tunic
} cat pulp sin
} clan pus pit
} nut lip caps
} pa lips ****
}
} DONE
} ==========
}
} Whew! Thank goodness I used the Family Friendly flag!
}
} You owe the Oracle some lip balm.


1287-08    (5arg6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Cave trolls for twenty bucks!! They're practically giving them
> away! What's the catch?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} CATCH OF THE DAY
}
} Hobbit   $8.95
} Elf     $12.95
} Dwarf    $9.95
} Orc      $3.95
} Human   $10.95
} Wizard  $95.00[1]
}
} You owe the Oracle a decent tip.
}
} [1] Sorry, sold out.


1287-09    (48rg9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does the "oracle+staff@cs.indiana.edu" address from the office memo
> Oracularity work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm.  I'd ask Mephistpostofficeles.  He's our mailer daemon.
}
} You owe the Oracle a luciferwarding address.


1287-10    (18sha dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most fibrous and regular:
>
> Would you please tell me how the digestion is proceeding?
>
> Here in the far flung reaches of the world your absence is deeply felt.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The process of Oracular digestion:
}
} 1) Email-bot chews up questions and answers to form bolus, special
} enzymes in saliva ensure questions and answers match together.
} 2) Boluses travel through the wires of the esophagus to the stomach
} server.
} 3) Emails are stored on stomach server, where strong acid destroys
} all references to woodchucks.
} 4) Various juices from pacreas and liver remove hotmail footers and
} such like.
} 5) The remainder travels through the intestines where all the good
} stuff is taken out to be assimilated into the next digest.
} 6) The rest is dumped.
}
} You owe the Oracle some radioctive ascii characters, so he can easily
} track the progress of individual questions.


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