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Internet Oracularities #1289

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Internet Oracularities #1289    (68 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 01 Nov 2002 23:03:19 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1289
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1289  68 votes cehi7 7fw95 17jlk 39tk7 8dmdc 8gpe5 6enfa enha4 9hmh3 2ajkh
1289  3.1 mean  2.9   2.9   3.8   3.3   3.1   2.9   3.1   2.5   2.8   3.6


1289-01    (cehi7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most prankish,
>
> Is your refrigerator running?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Damn! Prince Albert is in the can. He was supposed to be
} watching it!


1289-02    (7fw95 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Oracle most wise,
>
>  Will the boss quit at the end of this period?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's a question mark.  Not a period.


1289-03    (17jlk dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh wisest of Oracles,
>
>  Why is "weird" spelled so weird?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > look around
} You are on page 1732 of The Intergalactic Collegiate English
} Dictionary.  You see lots of words.
}
} You hear shouting from nearby.  You have the faint sense that it
} is directed at you.
}
} > inventory
} You have 5 letters.
}
} > examine letters
} You have a 'w', an 'i', an 'e', an 'r', and a 'd'.
}
} > who am i?
} You are 'wierd'.
}
} > examine words
} Your nearest neighbors are 'wield', above you, and 'wife', below
} you.
}
} You hear loud sounds coming from below.
}
} > examine wife
} She's not very attractive.  In addition, she seems to be yelling
} rather earnestly at you about something.
}
} > listen
} Trust me, you'd rather not do that.
}
} > rearrange letters
} Done.
}
} > who am i?
} You are 'Dr. Wei', prominent brain surgeon.
}
} Mrs. Wei continues to scream at you from below... something about
} using an adjective where an adverb is called for...
}
} > rearrange letters
} Done.
}
} > who am i?
} You are 'Drew I', Lord of Careya.
}
} You continue to hear some choice imprecations being directed at
} you by Lady Drew.
}
} > rearrange letters
} Done.
}
} > who am i?
} You are 'wired'.
}
} Your wife screams at you to sit down and behave like an adult.
}
} > bounce off walls
} Wheee!  Wasn't that fun?  But perhaps you should cut down a bit
} on the caffeine...
}
} Your time is running out.
}
} > rearrange letters
} Done.
}
} (Your score just went up by 10 points)
}
} > who am i?
} You are 'weird'.
}
} > I beg your pardon?
} Hey, that's MY line!  Your pitiful grovel does not entitle you to
} its use.
}
} (Your score just went down by 5 points)
}
} > who am i again?
} You are 'weird'.  Just plain weird.
}
} The silence from below is deafening.
}
} > look around
} You are on page 1695 of The Intergalactic Collegiate English
} Dictionary.  You see lots of words.
}
} > examine words
} Your nearest neighbors are 'weir', above you, and 'welcome',
} below you.
}
} Your southern neighbor greets you kindly and expresses fond
} wishes for your successful integration into this neighborhood.
}
} > listen
} Ahhhh!  You hear a wren singing from far away, perhaps for the
} first time since the dictionary was printed.
}
} (Your score just went up by 10 points)
}
} The game is over!
}
} Congratulations on successfully evading the 'wife'.  Your score
} entitles you to remain exactly where you are in the dictionary,
} your letters forever frozen in their current order.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of the difference between
} 'weird' and 'weirdly'.


1289-04    (39tk7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise one, he who knows exactly how many teenagers complain
> that "no-one understands me",
>
> What were your teenage years like, seeing as how you knew and
> understood everyone else?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Scene: ancient Greece, the Oracle is having an orgy. Suddenly, his
} parents enter]
}
} Mom: Oracle...
}
} Oracle: [immitating] "if you told me once you told me a million times.
}         No orgies on a school night"
}
} Mom: Yes. Now send your nice friends home
}
} Oracle: [immitating, again] "...and go to sleep. I need my beauty
}         sleep". But mom, I'm the gosh-darned Oracle! I don't need to go
}         to sleep. I know everything.
}
} Mom: [chuckles] The teenagers today. When I was your age I also...
}
} Oracle: But I really *do* know everything. That's what "omniscient"
}         _means_.
}
} Mom: Well, if you know everything...
}
} Oracle: Why do I get bad grades? Because the teachers are wrong.
}         Whenever...
}
} Mom: Now, you listen to me young man
}
} [...fade off...]
}
} So, my teenager years were quite unlike yours. My mom disliked my
} friends, insisted that I go to school on time and told me to have
} respect for my elders, even though everything they knew was antiquated.


1289-05    (8dmdc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and wise Oracle,
>
> What is the skeleton covering with his blue guitar?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He is covering a boner.


1289-06    (8gpe5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Livin' Lovin' Oracle,
>
> If the stores are all closed when I get there, with a word I can get
> what I came for.  But what is that word?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's not so much the word, as the delivery.  For what you want, don't
} just say "bathroom?" and cross your legs or hop around.  Say
} "bathroom?", then cover your mouth with both hands and make your eyes
} go wide.
}
} You'll get the directions you're looking for right away.
}
} You owe the Oracle some t.p.; I'm all out here, just hand it under the
} stall wall, wouldja?


1289-07    (6enfa dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the Answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, "What" is the question. Hang in there though, you'll
} get the hang of it soon enough.
}
} You owe the Oracle some things.


1289-08    (enha4 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
>
> What's the first thing I need to know if I want to train crickets?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Where the sticky wicket goes.


1289-09    (9hmh3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Are cave trolls good in bed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It depends what turns you on.  They do bring a whole new meaning to
} the phrase "safe sex", however.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mention in your will.


1289-10    (2ajkh dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can adults like something as stupid as Scooby-Do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's not just Scooby-Doo (spelling counts supplicant) but the
} whole mythos and mystery of pursuing a carefree life of crime
} solving and being meddling kids.
}
} For boomers growing up in a haze of ever-so-sweet smoke it was
} all about messing with "The Man". Bankers, real estate speculators
} and scheming nephews of old money all got cut down to size by a dog
} who couldn't even correctly execute an overly complicated plan for
} using a dubiously constructed trap.
}
} For adults today the reassuring familiar resolution of each episode
} provides certainty and even a moral compass in these times of
} confusion as art forgers in armour and puppet manipulating
} counterfeiters are led away to pay for their crimes (along with jewel
} smuggling snow monsters and treasure seeking magicians on the lam). No
} matter how horrible the demon that confronts us is, underneath it lies
} nothing more frightening than a foolish middle age white male with a
} receding hairline who was probably just trying to rig a dog show.
}
} Let's not forget the appeal to the inner Watson of us all, tagging
} along with these crime solving sleuths as they unravel clues and new
} and exciting criminal techniques using the latest technology (film
} projectors, automated tape recorders, umm... scuba gear).
}
} Nor can we ignore the archetypical quality of the characters: red head
} in skirt, brainy librarian, ascot wearing leader, tall guy and talking
} dog. Not since the Greek playwright Aristeopides has this particular
} assembly of characters been so well utilized to express both the angst
} and optimism of a generation. Driving around in a van, solving
} mysteries with the ones you love. Was not this the dream of Homer?
} Simpson that is.


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