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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do we have Valentine's day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A very good question.  You see, thousands of years ago, there lived a } little friar in a peaceful hermitage high on a mountaintop.  This holy } man loved to work in his garden, feed the wild birds, play the lyre to } listen to the echo off of the mountain, meditate about holy things, and } go out at midnight wearing a hockey mask to rip out villager's hearts } and drink their blood.  His true name was never known, but all the } people in the surrounding countryside called him the Valn-ite, which } means "mean horrible nasty person." The villagers were otherwise } peaceful, trouble-free people.  A day came, however, when a fearsome } band of barbarians entered the region, and all the men in the villages } went out to fight them.  The little friar, seeing his chance, took the } opportunity to enter each village in turn, slaying all the women and } children, and leaving their disembodied hearts behind in heaps.  When } the barbarians came to the villages (having decimated the opposition) } this is what they found.  In their glee at discovering a creature even } more bloodthirsty and evil than themselves, they set the day apart as a } holiday, at which time each year they would tempt the friar down from } his mountain with human offerings, and dance about a fire all night } while the friar feasted.  The discarded hearts would then be fixed over } the thresholds of their dwellings with arrows as a symbol of good } fortune in battle.  That this terrible, loathsome rite would pass down } through the ages eventually to become a day representing romance, is a } prime example of the sheer pervosity of Mankind. } } You owe the Oracle a box of candy shaped like a hockey mask.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > >    Why do women insist that men leave the toilet seat down???  All the > women I have spoken to say it is because sometimes when they go to the > bathroom at night they don't look and they "fall in." Why should they > get mad at us when they are too unconcerned to check?!?  When men go to > the bathroom (even at night) they have to check that the seat is up, or > they get it all wet.  If men can check, why can't women?  What is their > excuse for not being aware of the position of the seat, when men have to > be aware either way, at any time?  I sure would appreciate some insight > to this problem which has probably plagued man (and men) since the day > Mr.  Toilet invented the Toilet Bowl.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Envy.  Pure and simple. } } You are a man.  You know the simple joy that pissing your name in the } snow can bring.  Ever see a woman try this?  Pitiful.  Sure, Barbara the } net.supple.goddess might make a go of it, but for your average Sheila? } No way Hose, eh? } } You've heard that old saying "shake it more than twice and you're } playing with it".  Well, they don't even get to shake it ONCE and we all } know how much fun playing with it is. } } So next time you use your forward cannon to sink that cigarette butt } battleship, reflect a moment for the unfortunate half of the species who } will never have the simple pleasures you take for granted.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm sick.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you must admit that it's your own fault. } } Let's just review a record of your ingestion over the last three days: } 1.  Three cases of Everclear. } 2.  Enough toll-house cookies to build a witches house. } 3.  Various other junk-food items in gargantuan quantities. } } And what activities have you been engaged in? } 1.  Wild, violent sex with partners of various race, age, and gender. } 2.  Swimming through rivers at 35 degrees F.  Rivers that have been }     polluted beyond hope of recovery. } 3.  Walking on, crawling over, and tunneling through heaps of fiery }     coals.  The Everclear kept you from feeling the pain until the }     nerve endings were destroyed. } } While I realize it came as a total shock and cost your dearest friend, } the death of your hamster should not have put you THIS far over the } edge. } } You owe The Oracle a six-pack of sanity.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did God invent relativity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it all started on March 12, 1867.  Me and Lucifer and God and } Death and a couple of other guys got really hammered, see, and we were } shooting dice together, and Luci was really cleaning up.  (I still think } the dice were fixed, but I don't know for sure.) Anyway, God got low on } cash, and Luci got this idea that he'd stake him, but if God lost, he'd } have to let Luci rewrite some laws of physics.  Naturally, God didn't } like the idea, but Luci suggested that me and Thanatos could help, and } eventually agreed to the idea (did I mention we were all extremely } plastered?).  Anyway, God lost, and me and Luci and Mr.  D went into the } next room and stayed up all night deciding what we should do to the } universe (and drinking beer and lauging and barfing from time to time). } } The next day, after the three of us had managed to uncross our eyes, we } got out the notes we'd scribbled the night before, scraped most of the } puke off, and tried to puzzle out our handwriting.  It was pretty } incoherent (and some of it, especially the "rubber sheet theory", was } kind of perverted) but a deal's a deal, and God made it all officially } natural law. } } He learned his lesson though.  To this day, he never plays dice with the } universe.  Monopoly sometimes; never dice. } } You owe the Oracle a good hangover cure.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Okay Okay, so I'm at the Save-Mart gettin a pack of smokes when in she > walks.  A major piece of Babe-o-Rama.  So I'm lookin, and she's buyin > some OJ.  So I walks up to this Skirt-o-Lishus and says, "Pardon me > Miss, but is that fresh squeezed?" And she's givin me the once over, and > BANGO right outa the blue she says, "Why don't you come over to my place > and I'll give ya some Fresh Squeezed". > >  Hey, What I'm Tellin Ya!  So I'm thinkin and she's lookin and I'm > winkin and she's wigglin and next thing I know we're at her place and > then, By-Da-Bing By-Da-Boom she's givin my Weasel the wicked double > dose.  So, I'm saying to this premoistened bit of skrunt, "Hey Yo, not > fa nuttin, but how bout I hose ya with my One Eyed Roommate ?" > >  So we're Stuffin the Bunny when all of the sudden she wants me to put > on this black silk cape and pointy hat.  Your sayin "No Way", but I'm a > liberal dude, so I'm thinkin "Way".  So I'm Boppin and Bumpin when > BOINGO she stops me again.  Now she wants me to yell in her ear, "I'll > get you my pretty" and stuff like "And your little dog too".  So I'm > thinkin, Is this broad weird or what?  But Like I got nuttin else better > to do with my afternoon that Boink some Haus Frau with a major kink. > I'm telling ya, if she didn't have major league Wallys, I mean, out to > friggin hear !  Forget About It ! > >  So pretty soon she starts going crazy, Hey, what'd I TELL YA, and she's > kickin and buckin.  All of the sudden she jumps up and pours a bucket of > ice water over her head and starts yellin "I'm Melting, I'm Melting" and > she won't let me near her unless I keep sayin "There's no place like > home, There's no place like home".  Sheesh, Ya know what I'm screamin ? > >  Hey Yo, Oracle, you finished with that beer or you nursin it?  Ha Ha. > Tell me this, pal, what do women want?  I mean straight up, no bull. > >  Rocko Marzetti >  Bono's Bar n Grill >  Brooklyn, NY

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Supreme, all-powerful, most righteous and badass Oracle is very glad } you have asked this question. } }         The Oracle has done a great deal of enjoyable and much-deserved } research on this matter, and come to this conclusion: } }         Men never understand women because they ask the wrong questions. } }         All right, bud; let's cut out the bull**** and get to the } problem.  You want to understand women?  I got just the recipe. }         Your problem is that you're thinking in just one group; women. } I know, I know; you're at the mercy of your gonads, and can't help but } think that way.  The truth is, there are four kinds of women; quiet, } loud, in-between, and strange.  Here are the things they want: } }         Quiet women:  Quiet women want a nice, likeable, interesting, } sensitive, intelligent man with whom they can share a life, have a few } kids, line the walls with cute stuffed animals, and get some security in } an impossible world. }         Loud women:  Loud women want a sex god.  They want a } hard-rockin', body-thumpin', go-for-broke sex god that'll keep 'em } fulfilled, permanently. }         Strange women:  Strange women want off this planet, like now. } They want to go somewhere the the grass grows purple, the sky is under } the floor, and men dress up in funny costumes.  And they don't care what } they have to do to get it. }         In-between women:  In-between women don't make sense; even to } themselves.  They want everything the other women want, and they don't } care that it's impossible to have all of it.  They want it all, and } they're going to make everyone miserable until they DO get it all. } }         There are two problems; first, none of them can possibly get } what they want; There are no more likeable interesting, sensitive, } intelligent men who are still nice, the sex gods are all stoned out of } their minds, and attending Betty Ford clinics across the nation, and the } only way to get even close to off-planet is to use "controlled } substances", and buddy, if I even THINK of recommending that, I'd get } attacked by that awesome nemesis, majority@moral.hypocrisy. }         The second problem is this; it's impossible to tell between the } different types of women, since they have been taking fashion tips from } each other, and now you'll find any of them dressing like ANYTHING.  So, } brother, it looks like you're out of luck.  But at least now you } understand them. } }         You owe the Oracle a used condom and a package of }         hormone control pills.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Could you please tell me a Lisp joke? > > Thanks, Lisper.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thure, I'd be happy to: } }   Thethe two guyth are on the top of the Empire Thtate Building.  One of } them turnth to the other and thayth you know, if you jump from jutht } thith thpot thereth an air current which will float you right around the } building and drop you right back in the thame plathe.  The other guy } thayth "No way!" The firtht guy thayth it'th true.  Watch.  Tho he goeth } to the ledge and jumpth!  He floatth around and landth right back where } he tharted.  The other guy thayth "I gotta try thith" and he jumpth, and } fallth like a rock and goeth THPLATT.  The firtht guy taketh a thwig out } of a bottle and Loith Lane walkth up to him and thayth, you know } Thuperman, you're a bathtard when you're drunk.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I dead yet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, you are, which raises the curious question of how you were able } to send me this message... } } Heh heh heh, I'm gonna love this! } } %talk lucifer@mwahhaha.brimstone.com } } %Hello! Eternally Burning Pit, Inc.! What the fuck do you want? } } You're incorporated now? } } %What the fuck is this, a quiz show? What do you -- wait a minute, I } %know you! You're that goddamn Oracle! Why the hell won't you leave us } %alone?! } } I'd like- } } %No, don't tell me, let me guess! You want to talk to the boss, right?! } %LIKE EVERY OTHER FUCKING TIME YOU CALL??!! } } Well, yes, if you wouldn't mind- } } %Oh, noooooooo! No fucking trouble at all! I'll just page His Infernal } %Majesty right now and tear him away from his important business so } %you can bother him with your pissy little problems, which will most } %likely infuriate him so much that he'll take the nearest imp, which } %will of course be me, and shove 25 pounds of red-hot cinders up my } %ass! } } Yes, if you could hurry it up-- } } %Have you ever tried to pass a cinder? Do you have any idea what that } %feels like? Huh? ANY FUCKING IDEA?? } } LOOK ASSHOLE, JUST CONNECT ME, ALRIGHT?! } } %Well, you don't need to shout. } %...... } %WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT THIS TIME?! } } Ah, Lucifer! I just thought you'd like to know that one of the damned } souls in your pit seems to have gotten loose and gained access to your } system! } } %WHAT??!!!! WHO IS IT??!!! WHO IS THE LOUSY MOTHER- } } Oh, come now, Lucy-boy, you know the answer's not going to be free! } } %What? WHAT!!!!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH! RASSEN-FRASSEN-DINGLE-DONGLE- } %BITCH-BLASTEN-POOP-PUCKEN--WHERE'S THAT IMP? WHERE'S THAT FUCKING } %IMP? [No, sir, no PLEASE! UGH! ARGH!] pant...pant...name your price. } } Well, I want all the Sports Illustrated swimsuit models to come over } to my place and act out all the fantasies I've had about them. } } %Okay. You got it. Who is the bastard? } } I also want Donald Trump to withdraw all of his money from his bank } accounts on a whim, and then trip and lose it all down a sewer grate. } } %grr...OKAY! FINE! Now tell me who he is!! } } I also want a bigger system. This VAX is getting cramped. I'd like } something roomier like say, a CRAY. } } %ooorgh! ALRIGHT!! ALRIGHT ALREADY!! JUST TELL ME WHO THE FUCK IT } %IS!!! } } His name is--oops, almost forgot. I also want a copy of the new B-52's } album. } } %AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHH! IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE! } } Nope. } } %You sure? } } Absolutely. } } %Then tell me who that load of worm droppings is! } } Except for the fact that the B-52's album has gotta be a CD. } } %NNNNNYYYYYYYYUUURRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH! BRICKLE-BRACKLE-DING-DONG!! IMP! } %IMP!!! [No! Ouch! Yargh!] pant...puff Oracle, tell me who it } %is...NOW!!!! } } Okay. It's a particularly devious one by the name of <OMITTED TO } PROTECT THE RELATIVES OF THE DAMNED>. Got it? } } %Yes. Now go away. } } Sure thing. I'll most likely call again tomorrow! } } %OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH! AH HATES THAT ORACLE!! } %connection terminated } } You the Oracle nothing. You're going to be paying plenty as it is.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         What does George Bush like to do in bed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [call 1-800-WHITEHSE] } } (Operator):  Hello, secret White House line.  How may I help you? } } (Oracle):  Collect me to the President's nighttime staff room, please. } } (Operator):  One moment, please... } } (NSO):  Hello, Nighttime Staff Officer Anita here.  <giggle> Is it time }    yet? } } (Oracle):  I'm afraid not.  This is the Usenet Oracle, and I'd like to }    ask you some questions. } } (NSO):  What's a use net or a kull?  Which one are you?  A net or a }    kull?  Are you from the press?  I can't talk to the press.  Georgie }    would kill me.  Is this some kind of joke? } } (Oracle):  I'm not required to answer more than one question at a time, }    you stupid slut.  I'm an Oracle, I'm not the press, and this is a }    very long and turgid kind of joke.  Now answer my questions. } } (NSO):  I don't understand, but if you're not the press I guess it's OK. } } (Oracle):  The basic question is "what does George Bush like to do in }    bed?" } } (NSO):  Well, I'm not completely sure of *everything* he likes to do in }    bed, because sometimes we're just told to bring in Flossie or Sandra }    or one of the other Livestock Nighttime Staff Officers.  Flossie is }    quite sweet about it, really, and the other sheep ...  Lizette, I }    think she's called ...  is also pretty nice, but the pigs can get }    pretty rowdy, especially the male ones.  And I truly don't want to }    think about what happens to the Small Rodent Nighttime Staff }    Officers.  We don't give them names, you see, because they don't }    usually come back alive, and when they do they're awfully smelly and }    we need to cut all their fur off and shave them and then we couldn't }    remember their names from before because they look so different. } } (Oracle):  Well, I don't need to know everything.  What are some of his }    typical nocturnal activities involving humans? } } (NSO):  Well, he usually calls up Fred and Flouncette and Wanda when he }    really wants to have some fun, and they almost never come back that }    night.  Generally they have to be in the hospital for two or three }    days, afterwards.  And they usually don't talk much about it.  I did }    notice that Wanda's whips are getting kind of worn out, though. } } (Oracle):  Well, Ms.  Anita, what are *your* nighttime duties? } } (NSO):  That's *Miss* Anita, if you please.  I'm not some kind of }    radical feminist witch dyke!  You must be some kind of communist }    Democrat, trying to get political dirt on poor Georgie!  He's }    allowed some simple material comforts, don't you think?  I don't }    need to give you details, you filthy-minded scummy liberal!  Go }    screw a whale!  <click> } } I hope that clears things up somewhat for you.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What will my future wife look like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} She'll be dark-haired with red highlights, with brown eyes and pale skin } and supple breasts and long, firm, <ahem> long, firm legs and } she'll...she'll move like a goddess, slinking and insinuating her } heavenly body about you, against you, her fiery breath hot on your } chest, her hands stroking, caressing, as she takes you, every aspect of } her womanhood is oh, hot hot, creating you destroying you melting, } fingernails on your back her tounge gently flicks across you take her } your pounding throbbing thrusting OH oh OH yes yes YEYESYESYSY!!! } } You owe the Oracle a cigarette.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Help me please, Oracle.  Why do all the fast food places in the > commercials have really cute girls working in them but every one that > I've visited has the retirement home overflow and the Official Ugly Club > (tm) membership for employees?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Really cute girls become hookers or fashion models or actresses (some of } whom star in burger commercials as employees, wearing specially-designed } makeup ["appliances" such as pert little false noses and chins, falsies, } etc.] to make them look even cuter) if they're not particularly bright. } Otherwise their cuteness helps them get into better colleges, and } ultimately better positions (in several senses of the word) in places } where normal people work. } } Why do they use the pretty little actresses (with further artificial } sweetening) in the ads?  It's the old trick of selling with sex.  Men, } the advertisers hope, will come to associate the burger joints with the } pleasure of the presence of cute girls; women, with the pleasures of } being cute. } } Mc Donald's once tried having all of the employees at several of its } franchises wear custom-made rubber masks to give them cute-girl faces at } least.  Sales boomed, but the employees complained that it was already } hot in their polyester uniforms and the masks made things unbearable. } Also they had to fend off amorous customers.  The experiment ended after } one homely girl stood too close to the deep-frier and her mask melted -- } customers fled from her smiling, dripping face in terror.