129-05 (01344 dist, 3.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <email@example.com>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
> Okay Okay, so I'm at the Save-Mart gettin a pack of smokes when in she
> walks. A major piece of Babe-o-Rama. So I'm lookin, and she's buyin
> some OJ. So I walks up to this Skirt-o-Lishus and says, "Pardon me
> Miss, but is that fresh squeezed?" And she's givin me the once over, and
> BANGO right outa the blue she says, "Why don't you come over to my place
> and I'll give ya some Fresh Squeezed".
> Hey, What I'm Tellin Ya! So I'm thinkin and she's lookin and I'm
> winkin and she's wigglin and next thing I know we're at her place and
> then, By-Da-Bing By-Da-Boom she's givin my Weasel the wicked double
> dose. So, I'm saying to this premoistened bit of skrunt, "Hey Yo, not
> fa nuttin, but how bout I hose ya with my One Eyed Roommate ?"
> So we're Stuffin the Bunny when all of the sudden she wants me to put
> on this black silk cape and pointy hat. Your sayin "No Way", but I'm a
> liberal dude, so I'm thinkin "Way". So I'm Boppin and Bumpin when
> BOINGO she stops me again. Now she wants me to yell in her ear, "I'll
> get you my pretty" and stuff like "And your little dog too". So I'm
> thinkin, Is this broad weird or what? But Like I got nuttin else better
> to do with my afternoon that Boink some Haus Frau with a major kink.
> I'm telling ya, if she didn't have major league Wallys, I mean, out to
> friggin hear ! Forget About It !
> So pretty soon she starts going crazy, Hey, what'd I TELL YA, and she's
> kickin and buckin. All of the sudden she jumps up and pours a bucket of
> ice water over her head and starts yellin "I'm Melting, I'm Melting" and
> she won't let me near her unless I keep sayin "There's no place like
> home, There's no place like home". Sheesh, Ya know what I'm screamin ?
> Hey Yo, Oracle, you finished with that beer or you nursin it? Ha Ha.
> Tell me this, pal, what do women want? I mean straight up, no bull.
> Rocko Marzetti
> Bono's Bar n Grill
> Brooklyn, NY
} The Supreme, all-powerful, most righteous and badass Oracle is very glad
} you have asked this question.
} The Oracle has done a great deal of enjoyable and much-deserved
} research on this matter, and come to this conclusion:
} Men never understand women because they ask the wrong questions.
} All right, bud; let's cut out the bull**** and get to the
} problem. You want to understand women? I got just the recipe.
} Your problem is that you're thinking in just one group; women.
} I know, I know; you're at the mercy of your gonads, and can't help but
} think that way. The truth is, there are four kinds of women; quiet,
} loud, in-between, and strange. Here are the things they want:
} Quiet women: Quiet women want a nice, likeable, interesting,
} sensitive, intelligent man with whom they can share a life, have a few
} kids, line the walls with cute stuffed animals, and get some security in
} an impossible world.
} Loud women: Loud women want a sex god. They want a
} hard-rockin', body-thumpin', go-for-broke sex god that'll keep 'em
} fulfilled, permanently.
} Strange women: Strange women want off this planet, like now.
} They want to go somewhere the the grass grows purple, the sky is under
} the floor, and men dress up in funny costumes. And they don't care what
} they have to do to get it.
} In-between women: In-between women don't make sense; even to
} themselves. They want everything the other women want, and they don't
} care that it's impossible to have all of it. They want it all, and
} they're going to make everyone miserable until they DO get it all.
} There are two problems; first, none of them can possibly get
} what they want; There are no more likeable interesting, sensitive,
} intelligent men who are still nice, the sex gods are all stoned out of
} their minds, and attending Betty Ford clinics across the nation, and the
} only way to get even close to off-planet is to use "controlled
} substances", and buddy, if I even THINK of recommending that, I'd get
} attacked by that awesome nemesis, firstname.lastname@example.org.
} The second problem is this; it's impossible to tell between the
} different types of women, since they have been taking fashion tips from
} each other, and now you'll find any of them dressing like ANYTHING. So,
} brother, it looks like you're out of luck. But at least now you
} understand them.
} You owe the Oracle a used condom and a package of
} hormone control pills.