[IO]
Internet Oracle
3 Sep 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 4:31:17 GMT

Internet Oracularities #129

Goto:
129, 129-01, 129-02, 129-03, 129-04, 129-05, 129-06, 129-07, 129-08, 129-09, 129-10


Usenet Oracularities #129    (12 votes, 3.6 mean, offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 23 Feb 90 21:50:39 GMT

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu    or    {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine.  Back postings
are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192)
in the directory pub/oracle.  Let us know what you like!  Send your
ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 =
"very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg:
   100
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

129   12 votes 12342 03441 13440 00165 01344 11433 00426 11514 20262 11442
129   3.6 mean  3.3   3.2   2.9   4.3   3.9   3.5   4.2   3.5   3.5   3.4


129-01    (12342 dist, 3.3 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do we have Valentine's day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A very good question.  You see, thousands of years ago, there lived a
} little friar in a peaceful hermitage high on a mountaintop.  This holy
} man loved to work in his garden, feed the wild birds, play the lyre to
} listen to the echo off of the mountain, meditate about holy things, and
} go out at midnight wearing a hockey mask to rip out villager's hearts
} and drink their blood.  His true name was never known, but all the
} people in the surrounding countryside called him the Valn-ite, which
} means "mean horrible nasty person." The villagers were otherwise
} peaceful, trouble-free people.  A day came, however, when a fearsome
} band of barbarians entered the region, and all the men in the villages
} went out to fight them.  The little friar, seeing his chance, took the
} opportunity to enter each village in turn, slaying all the women and
} children, and leaving their disembodied hearts behind in heaps.  When
} the barbarians came to the villages (having decimated the opposition)
} this is what they found.  In their glee at discovering a creature even
} more bloodthirsty and evil than themselves, they set the day apart as a
} holiday, at which time each year they would tempt the friar down from
} his mountain with human offerings, and dance about a fire all night
} while the friar feasted.  The discarded hearts would then be fixed over
} the thresholds of their dwellings with arrows as a symbol of good
} fortune in battle.  That this terrible, loathsome rite would pass down
} through the ages eventually to become a day representing romance, is a
} prime example of the sheer pervosity of Mankind.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of candy shaped like a hockey mask.


129-02    (03441 dist, 3.2 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
>    Why do women insist that men leave the toilet seat down???  All the
> women I have spoken to say it is because sometimes when they go to the
> bathroom at night they don't look and they "fall in." Why should they
> get mad at us when they are too unconcerned to check?!?  When men go to
> the bathroom (even at night) they have to check that the seat is up, or
> they get it all wet.  If men can check, why can't women?  What is their
> excuse for not being aware of the position of the seat, when men have to
> be aware either way, at any time?  I sure would appreciate some insight
> to this problem which has probably plagued man (and men) since the day
> Mr.  Toilet invented the Toilet Bowl.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Envy.  Pure and simple.
}
} You are a man.  You know the simple joy that pissing your name in the
} snow can bring.  Ever see a woman try this?  Pitiful.  Sure, Barbara the
} net.supple.goddess might make a go of it, but for your average Sheila?
} No way Hose, eh?
}
} You've heard that old saying "shake it more than twice and you're
} playing with it".  Well, they don't even get to shake it ONCE and we all
} know how much fun playing with it is.
}
} So next time you use your forward cannon to sink that cigarette butt
} battleship, reflect a moment for the unfortunate half of the species who
} will never have the simple pleasures you take for granted.


129-03    (13440 dist, 2.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm sick.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you must admit that it's your own fault.
}
} Let's just review a record of your ingestion over the last three days:
} 1.  Three cases of Everclear.
} 2.  Enough toll-house cookies to build a witches house.
} 3.  Various other junk-food items in gargantuan quantities.
}
} And what activities have you been engaged in?
} 1.  Wild, violent sex with partners of various race, age, and gender.
} 2.  Swimming through rivers at 35 degrees F.  Rivers that have been
}     polluted beyond hope of recovery.
} 3.  Walking on, crawling over, and tunneling through heaps of fiery
}     coals.  The Everclear kept you from feeling the pain until the
}     nerve endings were destroyed.
}
} While I realize it came as a total shock and cost your dearest friend,
} the death of your hamster should not have put you THIS far over the
} edge.
}
} You owe The Oracle a six-pack of sanity.


129-04    (00165 dist, 4.3 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did God invent relativity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it all started on March 12, 1867.  Me and Lucifer and God and
} Death and a couple of other guys got really hammered, see, and we were
} shooting dice together, and Luci was really cleaning up.  (I still think
} the dice were fixed, but I don't know for sure.) Anyway, God got low on
} cash, and Luci got this idea that he'd stake him, but if God lost, he'd
} have to let Luci rewrite some laws of physics.  Naturally, God didn't
} like the idea, but Luci suggested that me and Thanatos could help, and
} eventually agreed to the idea (did I mention we were all extremely
} plastered?).  Anyway, God lost, and me and Luci and Mr.  D went into the
} next room and stayed up all night deciding what we should do to the
} universe (and drinking beer and lauging and barfing from time to time).
}
} The next day, after the three of us had managed to uncross our eyes, we
} got out the notes we'd scribbled the night before, scraped most of the
} puke off, and tried to puzzle out our handwriting.  It was pretty
} incoherent (and some of it, especially the "rubber sheet theory", was
} kind of perverted) but a deal's a deal, and God made it all officially
} natural law.
}
} He learned his lesson though.  To this day, he never plays dice with the
} universe.  Monopoly sometimes; never dice.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good hangover cure.


129-05    (01344 dist, 3.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Okay Okay, so I'm at the Save-Mart gettin a pack of smokes when in she
> walks.  A major piece of Babe-o-Rama.  So I'm lookin, and she's buyin
> some OJ.  So I walks up to this Skirt-o-Lishus and says, "Pardon me
> Miss, but is that fresh squeezed?" And she's givin me the once over, and
> BANGO right outa the blue she says, "Why don't you come over to my place
> and I'll give ya some Fresh Squeezed".
>
>  Hey, What I'm Tellin Ya!  So I'm thinkin and she's lookin and I'm
> winkin and she's wigglin and next thing I know we're at her place and
> then, By-Da-Bing By-Da-Boom she's givin my Weasel the wicked double
> dose.  So, I'm saying to this premoistened bit of skrunt, "Hey Yo, not
> fa nuttin, but how bout I hose ya with my One Eyed Roommate ?"
>
>  So we're Stuffin the Bunny when all of the sudden she wants me to put
> on this black silk cape and pointy hat.  Your sayin "No Way", but I'm a
> liberal dude, so I'm thinkin "Way".  So I'm Boppin and Bumpin when
> BOINGO she stops me again.  Now she wants me to yell in her ear, "I'll
> get you my pretty" and stuff like "And your little dog too".  So I'm
> thinkin, Is this broad weird or what?  But Like I got nuttin else better
> to do with my afternoon that Boink some Haus Frau with a major kink.
> I'm telling ya, if she didn't have major league Wallys, I mean, out to
> friggin hear !  Forget About It !
>
>  So pretty soon she starts going crazy, Hey, what'd I TELL YA, and she's
> kickin and buckin.  All of the sudden she jumps up and pours a bucket of
> ice water over her head and starts yellin "I'm Melting, I'm Melting" and
> she won't let me near her unless I keep sayin "There's no place like
> home, There's no place like home".  Sheesh, Ya know what I'm screamin ?
>
>  Hey Yo, Oracle, you finished with that beer or you nursin it?  Ha Ha.
> Tell me this, pal, what do women want?  I mean straight up, no bull.
>
>  Rocko Marzetti
>  Bono's Bar n Grill
>  Brooklyn, NY

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Supreme, all-powerful, most righteous and badass Oracle is very glad
} you have asked this question.
}
}         The Oracle has done a great deal of enjoyable and much-deserved
} research on this matter, and come to this conclusion:
}
}         Men never understand women because they ask the wrong questions.
}
}         All right, bud; let's cut out the bull**** and get to the
} problem.  You want to understand women?  I got just the recipe.
}         Your problem is that you're thinking in just one group; women.
} I know, I know; you're at the mercy of your gonads, and can't help but
} think that way.  The truth is, there are four kinds of women; quiet,
} loud, in-between, and strange.  Here are the things they want:
}
}         Quiet women:  Quiet women want a nice, likeable, interesting,
} sensitive, intelligent man with whom they can share a life, have a few
} kids, line the walls with cute stuffed animals, and get some security in
} an impossible world.
}         Loud women:  Loud women want a sex god.  They want a
} hard-rockin', body-thumpin', go-for-broke sex god that'll keep 'em
} fulfilled, permanently.
}         Strange women:  Strange women want off this planet, like now.
} They want to go somewhere the the grass grows purple, the sky is under
} the floor, and men dress up in funny costumes.  And they don't care what
} they have to do to get it.
}         In-between women:  In-between women don't make sense; even to
} themselves.  They want everything the other women want, and they don't
} care that it's impossible to have all of it.  They want it all, and
} they're going to make everyone miserable until they DO get it all.
}
}         There are two problems; first, none of them can possibly get
} what they want; There are no more likeable interesting, sensitive,
} intelligent men who are still nice, the sex gods are all stoned out of
} their minds, and attending Betty Ford clinics across the nation, and the
} only way to get even close to off-planet is to use "controlled
} substances", and buddy, if I even THINK of recommending that, I'd get
} attacked by that awesome nemesis, majority@moral.hypocrisy.
}         The second problem is this; it's impossible to tell between the
} different types of women, since they have been taking fashion tips from
} each other, and now you'll find any of them dressing like ANYTHING.  So,
} brother, it looks like you're out of luck.  But at least now you
} understand them.
}
}         You owe the Oracle a used condom and a package of
}         hormone control pills.


129-06    (11433 dist, 3.5 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Could you please tell me a Lisp joke?
>
> Thanks, Lisper.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thure, I'd be happy to:
}
}   Thethe two guyth are on the top of the Empire Thtate Building.  One of
} them turnth to the other and thayth you know, if you jump from jutht
} thith thpot thereth an air current which will float you right around the
} building and drop you right back in the thame plathe.  The other guy
} thayth "No way!" The firtht guy thayth it'th true.  Watch.  Tho he goeth
} to the ledge and jumpth!  He floatth around and landth right back where
} he tharted.  The other guy thayth "I gotta try thith" and he jumpth, and
} fallth like a rock and goeth THPLATT.  The firtht guy taketh a thwig out
} of a bottle and Loith Lane walkth up to him and thayth, you know
} Thuperman, you're a bathtard when you're drunk.


129-07    (00426 dist, 4.2 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I dead yet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, you are, which raises the curious question of how you were able
} to send me this message...
}
} Heh heh heh, I'm gonna love this!
}
} %talk lucifer@mwahhaha.brimstone.com
}
} %Hello! Eternally Burning Pit, Inc.! What the fuck do you want?
}
} You're incorporated now?
}
} %What the fuck is this, a quiz show? What do you -- wait a minute, I
} %know you! You're that goddamn Oracle! Why the hell won't you leave us
} %alone?!
}
} I'd like-
}
} %No, don't tell me, let me guess! You want to talk to the boss, right?!
} %LIKE EVERY OTHER FUCKING TIME YOU CALL??!!
}
} Well, yes, if you wouldn't mind-
}
} %Oh, noooooooo! No fucking trouble at all! I'll just page His Infernal
} %Majesty right now and tear him away from his important business so
} %you can bother him with your pissy little problems, which will most
} %likely infuriate him so much that he'll take the nearest imp, which
} %will of course be me, and shove 25 pounds of red-hot cinders up my
} %ass!
}
} Yes, if you could hurry it up--
}
} %Have you ever tried to pass a cinder? Do you have any idea what that
} %feels like? Huh? ANY FUCKING IDEA??
}
} LOOK ASSHOLE, JUST CONNECT ME, ALRIGHT?!
}
} %Well, you don't need to shout.
} %......
} %WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT THIS TIME?!
}
} Ah, Lucifer! I just thought you'd like to know that one of the damned
} souls in your pit seems to have gotten loose and gained access to your
} system!
}
} %WHAT??!!!! WHO IS IT??!!! WHO IS THE LOUSY MOTHER-
}
} Oh, come now, Lucy-boy, you know the answer's not going to be free!
}
} %What? WHAT!!!!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH! RASSEN-FRASSEN-DINGLE-DONGLE-
} %BITCH-BLASTEN-POOP-PUCKEN--WHERE'S THAT IMP? WHERE'S THAT FUCKING
} %IMP? [No, sir, no PLEASE! UGH! ARGH!] pant...pant...name your price.
}
} Well, I want all the Sports Illustrated swimsuit models to come over
} to my place and act out all the fantasies I've had about them.
}
} %Okay. You got it. Who is the bastard?
}
} I also want Donald Trump to withdraw all of his money from his bank
} accounts on a whim, and then trip and lose it all down a sewer grate.
}
} %grr...OKAY! FINE! Now tell me who he is!!
}
} I also want a bigger system. This VAX is getting cramped. I'd like
} something roomier like say, a CRAY.
}
} %ooorgh! ALRIGHT!! ALRIGHT ALREADY!! JUST TELL ME WHO THE FUCK IT
} %IS!!!
}
} His name is--oops, almost forgot. I also want a copy of the new B-52's
} album.
}
} %AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHH! IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE!
}
} Nope.
}
} %You sure?
}
} Absolutely.
}
} %Then tell me who that load of worm droppings is!
}
} Except for the fact that the B-52's album has gotta be a CD.
}
} %NNNNNYYYYYYYYUUURRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH! BRICKLE-BRACKLE-DING-DONG!! IMP!
} %IMP!!! [No! Ouch! Yargh!] pant...puff Oracle, tell me who it
} %is...NOW!!!!
}
} Okay. It's a particularly devious one by the name of <OMITTED TO
} PROTECT THE RELATIVES OF THE DAMNED>. Got it?
}
} %Yes. Now go away.
}
} Sure thing. I'll most likely call again tomorrow!
}
} %OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH! AH HATES THAT ORACLE!!
} %connection terminated
}
} You the Oracle nothing. You're going to be paying plenty as it is.


129-08    (11514 dist, 3.5 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         What does George Bush like to do in bed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [call 1-800-WHITEHSE]
}
} (Operator):  Hello, secret White House line.  How may I help you?
}
} (Oracle):  Collect me to the President's nighttime staff room, please.
}
} (Operator):  One moment, please...
}
} (NSO):  Hello, Nighttime Staff Officer Anita here.  <giggle> Is it time
}    yet?
}
} (Oracle):  I'm afraid not.  This is the Usenet Oracle, and I'd like to
}    ask you some questions.
}
} (NSO):  What's a use net or a kull?  Which one are you?  A net or a
}    kull?  Are you from the press?  I can't talk to the press.  Georgie
}    would kill me.  Is this some kind of joke?
}
} (Oracle):  I'm not required to answer more than one question at a time,
}    you stupid slut.  I'm an Oracle, I'm not the press, and this is a
}    very long and turgid kind of joke.  Now answer my questions.
}
} (NSO):  I don't understand, but if you're not the press I guess it's OK.
}
} (Oracle):  The basic question is "what does George Bush like to do in
}    bed?"
}
} (NSO):  Well, I'm not completely sure of *everything* he likes to do in
}    bed, because sometimes we're just told to bring in Flossie or Sandra
}    or one of the other Livestock Nighttime Staff Officers.  Flossie is
}    quite sweet about it, really, and the other sheep ...  Lizette, I
}    think she's called ...  is also pretty nice, but the pigs can get
}    pretty rowdy, especially the male ones.  And I truly don't want to
}    think about what happens to the Small Rodent Nighttime Staff
}    Officers.  We don't give them names, you see, because they don't
}    usually come back alive, and when they do they're awfully smelly and
}    we need to cut all their fur off and shave them and then we couldn't
}    remember their names from before because they look so different.
}
} (Oracle):  Well, I don't need to know everything.  What are some of his
}    typical nocturnal activities involving humans?
}
} (NSO):  Well, he usually calls up Fred and Flouncette and Wanda when he
}    really wants to have some fun, and they almost never come back that
}    night.  Generally they have to be in the hospital for two or three
}    days, afterwards.  And they usually don't talk much about it.  I did
}    notice that Wanda's whips are getting kind of worn out, though.
}
} (Oracle):  Well, Ms.  Anita, what are *your* nighttime duties?
}
} (NSO):  That's *Miss* Anita, if you please.  I'm not some kind of
}    radical feminist witch dyke!  You must be some kind of communist
}    Democrat, trying to get political dirt on poor Georgie!  He's
}    allowed some simple material comforts, don't you think?  I don't
}    need to give you details, you filthy-minded scummy liberal!  Go
}    screw a whale!  <click>
}
} I hope that clears things up somewhat for you.


129-09    (20262 dist, 3.5 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What will my future wife look like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} She'll be dark-haired with red highlights, with brown eyes and pale skin
} and supple breasts and long, firm, <ahem> long, firm legs and
} she'll...she'll move like a goddess, slinking and insinuating her
} heavenly body about you, against you, her fiery breath hot on your
} chest, her hands stroking, caressing, as she takes you, every aspect of
} her womanhood is oh, hot hot, creating you destroying you melting,
} fingernails on your back her tounge gently flicks across you take her
} your pounding throbbing thrusting OH oh OH yes yes YEYESYESYSY!!!
}
} You owe the Oracle a cigarette.


129-10    (11442 dist, 3.4 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Help me please, Oracle.  Why do all the fast food places in the
> commercials have really cute girls working in them but every one that
> I've visited has the retirement home overflow and the Official Ugly Club
> (tm) membership for employees?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Really cute girls become hookers or fashion models or actresses (some of
} whom star in burger commercials as employees, wearing specially-designed
} makeup ["appliances" such as pert little false noses and chins, falsies,
} etc.] to make them look even cuter) if they're not particularly bright.
} Otherwise their cuteness helps them get into better colleges, and
} ultimately better positions (in several senses of the word) in places
} where normal people work.
}
} Why do they use the pretty little actresses (with further artificial
} sweetening) in the ads?  It's the old trick of selling with sex.  Men,
} the advertisers hope, will come to associate the burger joints with the
} pleasure of the presence of cute girls; women, with the pleasures of
} being cute.
}
} Mc Donald's once tried having all of the employees at several of its
} franchises wear custom-made rubber masks to give them cute-girl faces at
} least.  Sales boomed, but the employees complained that it was already
} hot in their polyester uniforms and the masks made things unbearable.
} Also they had to fend off amorous customers.  The experiment ended after
} one homely girl stood too close to the deep-frier and her mask melted --
} customers fled from her smiling, dripping face in terror.


© Copyright 1989-2014 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org