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Internet Oracularities #1291

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1291, 1291-01, 1291-02, 1291-03, 1291-04, 1291-05, 1291-06, 1291-07, 1291-08, 1291-09, 1291-10


Internet Oracularities #1291    (60 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 13 Nov 2002 14:20:54 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1291
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1291  60 votes 0gjk5 1bip5 3kmb4 07mq5 6glf2 bgj95 fdbc9 8egca 47pi6 25ldj
1291  3.1 mean  3.2   3.4   2.9   3.5   2.9   2.7   2.8   3.0   3.2   3.7


1291-01    (0gjk5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Paul Kelly <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are cavemen always called Og or Thag?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Reginald, Cornelius! Kill Big-Tooth CAT!
}
} See, that just doesn't sound right.
}
} You owe the Oracle a baby book.


1291-02    (1bip5 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the best way for me to finish writing my PhD dissertation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle suggests you use words. Dissertations done in mime
} or in carved meat sculptures work even less well than one
} might expect.
}
} You owe the Oracle a carved mime.


1291-03    (3kmb4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most epigrammatic and acrimonious,
>
> Why doesn't Eowyn keep her hussy hands OFF of Strider?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
} With the choice of hobbits, elves and dwarves she had to hand, can you
} blame the poor gal?
}
} You owe the Oracle a flagon of ale and Shire.


1291-04    (07mq5 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise,
>
> Do cats tell jokes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
} DO CATS TELL JOKES?
}
} Oh, just ALL THE TIME!
} One of their greatest jokes on mankind is that they have gotten you to
} make room in your house for cat boxes, which they will gladly fill up,
} but sometimes ignore and do what I like to refer to as "Stinking
} Outside the Box."
}
} The cats will also train a human to wave or toss toys around by showing
} just enough interest to get the human on the right track and then they
} sit around on their furry little haunches, racked with amusement as the
} human continues to play with the toys they bought for the cat.
}
} I could go on, but I have to clean the cat box now and go to the store
} for more catnip.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lovely dinner I can turn my nose up at.


1291-05    (6glf2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Wise Oracle Most KatcheSter-like,
>
>  How do voters differ from consumers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Consumers don't like recounts.
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to make people count their groceries


1291-06    (bgj95 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
> Who ? Me ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes. You.
}
} You owe the oracle a complete sentence.


1291-07    (fdbc9 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisest of Oracles,
>
> What is the best possible pizza topping?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, my God! It's my poodle! GET OFF OF FLUFFY NOW!
} Bad best pizza! Bad!


1291-08    (8egca dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisest of Oracles,
>
> What's the best web-based game ever made?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} http://127.0.0.1/


1291-09    (47pi6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> How -does- one educate a buffalo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With fish, it's easy.  They're in schools already.  Buffalo
} stay home, where they roam.  With buffalo (actually you meant
} to call them American Bison) what you need to do is to speak
} to them until you are sure they herd.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nickel.


1291-10    (25ldj dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Oh, Oracle who treats animals ethically, even w**dch***s, please
>  answer this hippie supplicant's plea:
>
>      How much fun has to die to make a coat out of fun fur?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [An aerial shot of a secluded forest on the distant outskirts of some
} unpopular city; zooming in to reveal, among the trees, an expansive
} array of oblong cages, surrounded by fences of steel netting, gnawed
} at by small furry rodents.]
}
} COMMENTARY: This is no ordinary fur farm. This is a fun farm. Here,
} thousands upon thousands of fun-minks live out the whole of their
} short lives in an unending state of childlike happiness, to ensure
} that when they are killed, their skin will yield quality fun-fur to
} supply the market needs of nerdish retro-fashion enthusiasts,
} 'cybergoths', and cutesy pencil-case manufacturers everywhere.
}
} [Shot of a small, furry, flourescent green rodent riding past on a
} plastic tricycle. Another such creature frolicks after it, taking
} shots at it with a tiny water pistol.]
}
} COMMENTARY: Unfortunately for its owners and employees, this fun farm
} is in danger of closing. Animal liberationists have made personal
} threats against farm staff, and also committed numerous acts of
} sabotage.
}
} [Shot of farm employee, scrubbing down the inside of a cage. We see
} that the inner walls are patterned in garish shapes, and also bear a
} notice reading "You don't have to be crazy to be reared here, but it
} helps!!"]
}
} EMPLOYEE: They break in and try to leave stuff around so's to stop
} the animals havin' fun, y'know. Like, we used to have one of them
} rubber ball pools for the minks, y'know? Only they put nails in it
} and, like, vinegar.
}
} COMMENTARY: The farm's proprietors ensure when it's time to slaughter
} the fun-minks, they do so in a humane and, so far as possible, fun
} way.
}
} [Shot of mink being tickled to death with a feather duster by a man
} in Groucho-style glasses and false nose.]
}
} COMMENTARY: This method also ensures that the coat remains intact.
}
} Conservationists say that the biggest threat the fun farm poses is
} that of what should happen if the animal liberationists ever succeed
} in setting the fun-minks free. Their influence could spread quickly
} throughout the forest, causing other creatures to start having fun
} rather than killing and eating each other in the natural, mean-
} spirited way, and spelling disaster for the food chain.
}
} Stay tuned for the second part of "FUN-MINKS: The Mirthful Menace,"
} after these messages.


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