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Internet Oracularities #1293

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Internet Oracularities #1293    (60 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 22 Nov 2002 13:28:31 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1293
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1293  60 votes 4hhf7 49w96 39tg3 17pgb 69jm4 648mk 1cki9 3agjc 49jm6 bfeb9
1293  3.3 mean  3.1   3.1   3.1   3.5   3.1   3.8   3.4   3.5   3.3   2.9


1293-01    (4hhf7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and wealthy Oracle,
>
> Hello. I'm some guy from Nigeria who's trying to steal your money. I
> mean I'm *not* trying to steal your money. Here's what happened: My dad
> died and left me two trillion dollars. Sadly, I have to pay a fee to
> withdraw it. Can I have your credit card number so I can use it to buy
> illegal drugs... I mean withdraw my rightful inheritance? If I succeed,
> I'll give you x% of the money, x being the number that gets spat out by
> the random number generator I wrote*. Oh, and can you send me some
> extra money too?
>
> * I'm still trying to get it to give me numbers other than 0, but it'll
> work sometime in the near** future.
> ** Near is defined kind of loosely here.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'll only help you if you send a million business cards to Craig
} Shergold.


1293-02    (49w96 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Your Omnipotence,
>
> Does "omnipotent" really mean what the kid in the locker room told me
> it does?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm afraid it doesn't, supplicant. The kid in the locker room was
} putting you on.
}
} What "omnipotent" really means is, unable to participate in an
} election. It is important to note, for those who may suffer from
} omnipotence, that the condition can often be remedied by a good
} philistine. If you are in fact omnipotent, I would advise you to seek
} mendicant assistance.
}
} You owe the oracle a trip to Niagara.


1293-03    (39tg3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Oracle, fountain of all human (and inhuman)
> knowledge, ZOTer of all things ZOT-worthy, master of all things
> obtuse, obscure, and funny, I humbly request that you ponder my case:
>
> Recently, my team won the regional ACM Programming Competition,
> meaning we will be heading on to the International Championship in
> March.  I had the high score in the 2002 Nethack tournament for around
> a week, and my current character already has enough points to reclaim
> that spot as soon as I ascend him.
>
> Am I beyond hope?  What can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I suppose it depends on what you are hoping to attain. I will rephrase
} your question and limit my response to it.
}
} "Am I beyond hope of being irredeemingly geeky?"
}
} No. I do not believe you are irredeemingly geeky. You are however, a
} big geek. To prove the distinction, you should answer the following
} questions:
}
} How much Quake/Diablo/etc games to you play a week?
}
} Have you hosted any LAN parties?
}
} Do you have an account at any geek product websites?
}
} What is your typical meal?
}
} Do you pop any zits just from smiling?
}
} Have you ever gotten laid? (No, your cousin and your sister or brother
} don't count.)
}
} Have you ever seen the sunlight shining through fresh green leaves?
}
} Can you write poetry? (No, Haikus, limericks or anything about
} computers don't count.)
}
} How many decimal places of Pi have you memorized?
}
} Have you ever been banned from a Usenet newsgroup?
}
} Has any law enforcement organization ever investigated you for a
} computer-related offense?
}
} Have I proven my point? Of course I have.
}
} You owe me an algorithm that will solve the Neopets' Shapeshifter game
} past level 30 in less than a day of processing.


1293-04    (17pgb dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you stay with door number 1, or will you switch to door number 2,
> given that I've just shown you that behind door number 3 is a goat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle switchs to door number 3.
} Who needs a car anyway?
} Goats can produce milk, jumpers, manure and more goats. They can also
} mow your lawn, scare intruders and carry your shopping.
} When they die you can eat them and make their skin into a stylish coat
} or rug. You can even use their horns to make traditional musical
} instruments, weapons, drinking goblets or coat hooks.
}
} You owe the Oracle the car.


1293-05    (69jm4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Cripes!  This must be the worstest grovel I've ever
> grovulated.  I caught my nose in the regurgitator!
>
> You would never do anything like that because you are
> so smart.  Would you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hlnhd nnh nh mnht, shnpplncnt, plnse?
}
} <shouted off to side>
}
} Znndc! C'mmhr! Hnlp mnh gnht mnh nhs nhttnh hnr!
}
} <pause . . . >
} Thanks, Zadoc.
}
} Ummm . . . no, supplicant. Never. Honest.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Breathe-Free(tm) strip.


1293-06    (648mk dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
> he whom my most sycophantic grovel could not do justice to,
> pray tell me
>
> Where have all the flowers gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The goat behind door #3 ate them.


1293-07    (1cki9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle who is Kind to Teeth and Bones,
>
> Who first discovered that you could get milk from a refrigerator?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} His name was Calvin Seomh. He was a skinny kid, who had always wanted
} to be a cowboy when he grew up, until he discovered how heavily
} subsidized dairy farmers are. He was, unfortunately, much too much of a
} milksop to deal with something as messy as an actual cow.
}
} He spent most of his teen years researching the various places one
} could get milk: cows, goats, magnesia, weeds, etc. (His mother had cut
} him off years before.) It was lunchtime one day in the middle of summer
} when the 1% of his genius that was inspiration struck: why did it have
} to come from animals at all?
}
} Over the next decade he tried milking everything from government grants
} to his own nerdiness. Whenever a new fad came out, there Cal would be,
} milking it for all it was worth. Finally, the inevitable happened.
} Distracted from yet another all-nighter looking for a way to milk human
} kindness, he was getting breakfast, and instead of opening the
} refrigerator, he grabbed it by the coils and squeezed. The rest is
} history.
}
} You owe the Oracle some chocolate chip cookies.


1293-08    (3agjc dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 0r4cl3 m0st l33t,
>
> Whr hv ll my vwls gn?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whr hv ll th vwls gn,
} Lng tm pssng.
} Whr hv ll th vwls gn,
} Lng tm g.
} Whr hv ll th vwls gn,
} Th l33ts hv l0t thm vry n.
} h, whn wll y vr lrn?
} h, whn wll y vr lrn?
}
} Whr hv ll th yng l33ts gn,
} Lng tm pssng.
} Whr hv ll th yng l33ts gn,
} Lng tm g.
} Whr hv ll th yng l33ts gn,
} Thy'v strtd crckng, vry n.
} h, whn wll y vr lrn?
} h, whn wll y vr lrn?
}
} Whr hv ll th cr4x0rs gn,
} Ln tm pssng.
} Whr hv ll th cr4x0rs gn,
} Lng tm g.
} Whr hv ll th cr4x0rs gn,
} Thy'r ll n tch spprt.
} h, whn wll y vr lrn?
} h, whn wll y vr lrn?
}
} Whr hv ll th tch-nrds gn,
} Ln tm pssng.
} Whr hv ll th tch-nrds gn,
} Lng tm g.
} Whr hv ll th tch-nrds gn,
} Fxng kybrds vry n.
} h, whn wll y vr lrn?
} h, whn wll y vr lrn?
}
} Whr hv ll th kybrds gn,
} Ln tm pssng.
} Whr hv ll th kybrds gn,
} Lng tm g.
} Whr hv ll th kybrds gn,
} Lst thr vwls vry n.
} h, whn wll y vr lrn?
} h, whn wll y vr lrn?
}
} Whr hv ll th vwls gn,
} Lng tm pssng.
} Whr hv ll th vwls gn,
} Lng tm g.
} Whr hv ll th vwls gn,
} Th l33ts hv l0t thm vry n.
} h, whn wll y vr lrn?
} h, whn wll y vr lrn?
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Vanna White issue of Playboy.
} The Oracle hath lyricized.


1293-09    (49jm6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 'Ay, what's this 'ere?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *No*, Mr. Van Gogh... better leave that one where it is.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hearing band-aid.


1293-10    (bfeb9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Beatles : Yoko Ono:: The High Priests of the Oracle : ???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You


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