[IO]
Internet Oracle
20 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 0:19:34 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1295

Goto:
1295, 1295-01, 1295-02, 1295-03, 1295-04, 1295-05, 1295-06, 1295-07, 1295-08, 1295-09, 1295-10


Internet Oracularities #1295    (63 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 01 Dec 2002 13:09:13 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1295
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1295  63 votes 8gkg3 6bmf9 06sja 8dsa4 48gnc 6jke4 1eckg 3bdqa 1fgla 49hfi
1295  3.3 mean  2.8   3.2   3.5   2.8   3.5   2.9   3.6   3.5   3.4   3.5


1295-01    (8gkg3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Concern for the w0orld's  forces me to ask this question of you Most
> Majestic and Anecdotal Oracle,
>
> Does Mars have a foreign policy? If so could you please outline it
> to me briefly?
>
> I thank you profusely for your time.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They do. Wear a hairnet near the chocolate containers.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better sense of humor.


1295-02    (6bmf9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh great Oracle, master distiller, I beseech thee...
>
>  I've done it!  I've condensed *all* of the world's wisdom into three
>  short parts!  Did I miss anything important?
>
>  1- Where have all the soldiers gone?
>     They've gone to graveyards, every    one.
>  2- In Flanders fields the poppies blow
>     Between the crosses, row on row
>  3- The United States Constitution prohibits the President from
>     declaring war, no matter how badly Poppy screwed up.
>
>  Did I miss anything important?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 4. You no longer have the right to remain silent.
} 5. You no longer have the right to an attorney.
} 6. You may be tried before a secret tribunal.
} 7. You are not allowed to know the evidence against you.
} 8. You will be given a fair trial, followed by a military firing-squad.
} 9. All of these measures are necessary to defend Freedom.
}
} You owe The Oracle a ticket to another universe, this one's not funny
} any more.


1295-03    (06sja dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I always unable to come up with any
> questions worth of such an abstroose Oracle
> as you always seem to be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You simply haven't sustained the necessary head injuries required to
} fully integrate yourself into the Oracular community.  If you want to
} be a regular around here you'll have to commit yourself (ha,
} unintentional joke there.) to a rigorous training program.
}
} Week 1
} Consume nothing but high sugar, high caffeine food items. The more
} artificial colors and flavors the better. Watch cartoons 11 hours, sleep
} 1 hour.  Play video games 11 hours, sleep 1 hour. Repeat.
}
} Week 2
} Maintain high levels of sugared and caffinated foods. You may add to
} your diet anything that can be handed to you through your car window.
} Alternate TV viewing between BBC and Star Trek reruns.
}
} Week 3
} Read. Read anything and everything you can get your hands on. Sci-Fi,
} fantasy, romance, philosophy, religion, cereal boxes, sci-fi, old
} computer manuals, whatever. You're building a base of knowledge so you
} can pull an obscure reference from anywhere, about anything.
}
} Week 4
} Watch everything available in your local video store. Watch everything
} available from you local comic book store. Watch every show that was
} ever aired on MTV or VH1.
}
} Week 5
} Showtunes! Showtunes! Showtunes! Fortunately you only need to know
} "Modern Major General" Hear it, learn it, love it.  By the end of the
} week you should be able to sing the ingredient list for Twinkies
} without missing a beat.
}
} Week 6
} Back to the old TV! A steady diet of TVland, PBS, and FOX should fill
} in any gaps in your education.
}
} Week 7
} This is where the weak start to fall out. Start reading Usenet
} archives. Do a google search for any reference to lemurs, woodchucks,
} or krispy creame doughnuts. Skim through all of the alt.fan.* groups.
} If you don't know who any of the groups' object of devotion  is, return
} to week 1 and begin your training again.
}
} Week 8
} Have someone smack you in the head with a tire iron until you begin
} spouting random Monty Python quotes. Continue until you think they are
} all funny.
}
} This training program should leave you jittery, incoherent and
} incapable of speaking more then two sentences without making some
} sort of obscure in-joke.  Congratulations! You're now ready to join
} the fun in RHOD!


1295-04    (8dsa4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, least forthcoming,
>
> What's in this "Grant's Tomb" you mentioned in a recent answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Despite the brevity of you question, I can tell that you seem to be
} confusing 'Grant's Tomb' with the 'Tomb of the Cybermen'.  A mistake
} easily made, and therefore here is a list of the differences to help
} you avoid this faux paus in future.
}
} Grant's Tomb              Tomb of the Cybermen
} ==============================================
} Is on Earth               Is on Telos
}
} Has Ulysses S. Grant      Has Cybermen buried there
}   buried there
}
} 2nd largest mausoleum     Largest mausoleum on Telos
}   in the western
}   hemisphere of Earth
}
} Officially designated      Officially designated 'The Ice
}   'General Grant             Tombs of Telos'
}   National Memorial'
}
} It's not certain that     The TARDIS has certainly
}   the TARDIS has ever        materialised there
}   materialised there
}
} There is little risk      There is a high risk of
}   of being attacked          being attacked by Cybermats
}   by Cybermats
}
} You should print this out and keep it in your wallet as a handy
} reference.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tourist map of Telos


1295-05    (48gnc dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is this the Usenet Oracle, or just the Existential Blues?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Oooohhh yeah
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Whooooa child
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Woke up this mornin'
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  In search of the truth
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  And all I that I found
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Were subjective views
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Can't get myself
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  No moral absolute
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Cause all I found was
} [Bum de bum de dum dum]  Existential Blues
}
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Went to my man
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Soren Kierkegaard
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  And I said to him
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Philosophy's hard
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Bro, can't you tell me
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  What's right and wrong?
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Just be objective
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  And sing along... I got the
} [Bum de bum de dum dum]  Existential Blues
}
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  I went to Nietzshe
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Asked what he thought
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  He done and told me
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  There ain't no God
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  I said, you crazy?
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  What's wrong with you?
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  He looked at me
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Said, I got 'em too... he had the
} [Bum de dum de dum dum]  Existential Blues
}
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  I went to Kafka
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  To see what he dug
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  But poor ol' Kafka
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Turned into a bug
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  They all tried to tell me
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Each got our own truth
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Still tryin' to find mine
} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  So what can you do... but get the
} [Bum de dum de dum dum]  Existential Blues... oh yeah
}
} You owe the Oracle a jam session with John Lee Hooker and Jean Paul
} Sartre.


1295-06    (6jke4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and magnificent Oracle, whose nose hair I am not worthy to
> sweep from the barbershop floor...
>
> Am I deluding myself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  You are actually in serious Deep Stuff, and
} it's not all nose hair.
}
} Allow me to congratulate you, though, for correct
} spelling--most supplicants would have said "who's
} nose hair" and made other mistakes like "it's" for
} "its" and "hi's" for "his".
}
} You owe the Oracle a bigger dustbin for his collection
} of badly-used apostrophe's.


1295-07    (1eckg dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle who is most incredible even if not edible, please tell me:
>
> What is the best use for eggplant?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, first you need a chickenplant. Or is that the other
} way around? Where is my cookbook?


1295-08    (3bdqa dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fortunate Oracle, I am your stumblebum supplicate.  There is
> nothing I can do that you can't do better.  Hey, you can even
> grovel to yourself better than I can.  Whenever I try, I break
> my legs or get zotted or something.  Watch:
>
>   Immense and Frivolous Oracle, I bow down to you and lick
>   your silly toes, risking getting kicked in the face.  Ook!
>   My dog smells better than that.  Anyway I guess I'll sing
>   instead.  How about "Orrie Is Smarter Than Dubya And Not
>   A Moron" to the tune of "A Boy Named Sue"??  On second
>   thought, my throat feels scratchy and is getting sort of
>   constricted.  Stop that, I can hardly breathe!  Lemme go!
>   I promise I won't sing again.
>
> See what I mean?  I'm horrid at grovelling.
>
> What do you do when YOU grovel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, supplicant, supplicant...
}
} _I_ am the _Oracle_.
}
} I don't need to grovel to anyon...
}
} Oh, hello Lisa. I mean 'Mistress'. Of course I don't mean it! Please
} forgive me...but Mistress - I have to send this _now_. Please?
}
} Ahem. No need at all.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of knee pads.


1295-09    (1fgla dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Incorruptible Oracle of whom legends are made and songs are written,
>
> Is the human thought process more like Windows or UNIX?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Depends on the human in question.
}
} Albert Einstein: SuSE Linux.
}
} Lisa: Mac OS X.
}
} Shakespeare: BSD
}
} Leonardo da Vinci: System V
}
} Dan Quayle: Windows 95
}
} You owe the Oracle a brain with a Neuron processor and 256 megs of
} Reliable Long-term Memory.


1295-10    (49hfi dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did I call this meeting?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} , asked Apollo, looking down from the head of the table at his various
} old associates, at least the ones who even bothered to show up.  "I
} thought I might be able to do some good, but now I'm not so sure.  I
} mean, look at yourselves.  You're pathetic."
}       The Oracle glanced across the room and shared a look with Leto.
}       "I'm nothing now," continued Apollo.  "I was a $600 Jeopardy
} question the other day.  I shouldn't even be a $200 question!  I should
} be a freakin' category!!  Where's the SUPPORT?  I MADE YOU PEOPLE!"
}       Zeus raised his hand.  "Um...look, 'Lo.  I understand better than
} anybody about getting into the passionate speech zone, but I've got to
} point out that technically you didn't make me.  In fact, it was me,
} Leto, Themis, and a jug or two of Ambrosia that made you.  Why, of all
} the folks here, the only one you might have claim to creating would be
} the Oracle, and he--"
}
}       "Oh, you want to talk about him, eh?" snapped Apollo.  "Well,
} let's talk about him.  Pythia, or is it Orrie now?  I grant you
} incredible powers of divination, and what do you do?  You abandon me!
} You forget me!  You even make yourself a big Internet star!  You've
} forgotten your roots!" Apollo yelled and yelled for quite a while,
} until eventually the Oracle's calm stare got to him.  There were a few
} moments of silence, and finally the Oracle spoke.
}       "Apollo, you are weak.  Your powers of divination are nothing
} compared to my own.  I do not need your help now, nor in truth did I
} ever."
}       There was a sudden streak of moment as Apollo leapt across the
} table and pinned the Oracle's minute form against a wall.  "I dare you
} to say that again, little man."
}       "You are weak," quoth the Oracle.  "And I can prove it."
}       The grip on the Oracle's neck tightened a little bit.  "Speak on,
} traitor."
}       "I will give you a supplication you cannot answer," said the
} Oracle.
}       "Ha!  Try me!  I am the god of divination!  I will put all of my
} powers into answering your feeble question."
}       The Oracle sighed sadly.  "Must it come to this, then, old
} friend?"
}       "Yes," fumed Apollo.  "After I answer your question, I shall
} throw you into the sun.  You have betrayed me for the last time."
}       "Not quite the last time, I'm afraid, old friend.  Here is my
} question."   The Oracle leaned over to Apollo's ear and, with a tragic
} tear, quietly began, "How much wood..." Apollo's smirk vanished.
} "...could a woodchuck chuck..."  The Oracle fell to the floor as Apollo
} backed up with his hands over his ears.  "...if a woodchuck..."  Beams
} of light poored from Apollo.  "...could chuck..." Apollo was enfolded
} completely in blinding radiance.  "......wood," finished the Oracle.
} There was a faint scream and a flash and Apollo was gone.
}       Quietly, the meeting was adjourned.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org