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Internet Oracularities #1296

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1296, 1296-01, 1296-02, 1296-03, 1296-04, 1296-05, 1296-06, 1296-07, 1296-08, 1296-09, 1296-10


Internet Oracularities #1296    (62 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 04 Dec 2002 10:00:17 -0500 (EST)

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   1296
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1296  62 votes 4oia6 3brc9 4ckec acdm5 8jlb3 37qk6 3fqh1 3fmj3 5hffa 06blo
1296  3.2 mean  2.8   3.2   3.3   3.0   2.7   3.3   3.0   3.1   3.1   4.0


1296-01    (4oia6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much fnord wood could a woodchuck chuck if a fnord woodchuck could
> chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you don't look at the <zot> it can't get you.
}
} [ ZOT! ]
}
} Opps, guess that ain't quite true. Dreadfully sorry.
}
} Truly, I am.


1296-02    (3brc9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Oracle is mightier in thought than all the world's minds gathered
> as one. He thinks more great thoughts over his morning bowl of Lucky
> Charms(tm) cereal than any 24 Nobel prize laureates had in their entire
> combined lives. Truly the Oracle is wise, truly he is a great gift to
> us lowly mortals! And for this we can not thank the Oracle enough. . .
>
> Back around 250 B.C. when the Emperor Qin took over most of what is now
> China, he had his evil assistant Lisi burn "all unnecessary writings".
> What texts were lost to the world due to this act?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, much of what Lisi burned were indeed, unnecessary.  However, he
} did burn a few things that I suppose would be helpful for the human
} race now. These included:
}
} -the Hsi Quan Xu - the book of ethics for politicians
} -the Qi Lon Ni - the book of booting to 'da head (for use against
}  criminals, of course)
} -the Su Xi Phan - the book of stopping any environmental disaster before
}  it starts
} -the Ji Qua Phu - the book of sufficient grovels for the Oracle (I still
}  damn the loss of that one)
} -the Wi Jee Bor - the book of communicating with dead people.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Gutenberg Project servers, set in about, oh, 300
} BC.


1296-03    (4ckec dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is fire so hot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bob's sexual attraction to fire was short lived.


1296-04    (acdm5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You don't say.


1296-05    (8jlb3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Warm and Fluffy Oracle you follow everything I say like a sheep.
> You keep me from freezing with every laugh, cackle and guffaw that
> your answers provoke.  Indeed, that is why I'm writing to you today.
>
> You see, the last time I laughed, I fell on the floor.  My doctor
> says I must have broken something.  He calls it Rotfloler's Syndrome,
> apparently named after Dr. Rotfloler who discovered it.
>
> The doctor's bill for this diagnosis is $632.  Can you help pay?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Which digests are you reading?!!?!


1296-06    (37qk6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle who is ever up to date,
>
> What will be the best and worst features of the next Windows OS?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Microsoft is currently reworking the End User Licence Agreement (EULA)
} code for Windows TAO (Totalitarian And Oppressive, not to be confused
} with the Tao of Programming). The Top Five New Features will be:
}
} 5. Windows TAO will update its licence agreement from the internet as
} soon as a new version (of the licence agreement) is released, thus
} enabling Microsoft to continuously improve it for Bill^H^H^H^Hthe
} user's sake.
}
} 4. Furthermore, it will automatically accept all licence agreements for
} you, including its own. After all, you don't read them, do you?
}
} 3. Microsoft's EULA will be able to infect the licence agreements of
} other software running on the same system, forcing the user to pay
} licence fees to Microsoft for virtually every program ever written.
}
} 2. The EULA text will have a polymorph nature, thus hiding the whole
} licence agreement from EULA scanners. This was the only way Microsoft
} could prevent detection of malicious text, as it is spread all over the
} document.
}
} 1. Thanks to dot.net technology, Microsoft will not only remain
} informed about EULA violations. As soon as Windows TAO has infiltrated
} courts and banks around the world, the whole process will be entirely
} automated. This includes filing the lawsuit, judging the case and
} retrieving the money from the defendant's bank account.
}
} Thanks to Microsoft's clear marketing strategy and licence policies,
} these are both the top best and worst features.
}
} You owe the Oracle a UN convention concerning the User's Rights.


1296-07    (3fqh1 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can I get this project done before Christmas, great Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You certainly can, but why would you want to? The longer you spend
} researching the mating habits of goats and game-show hosts, the more
} government grant money you can sponge. I would advise milking the
} project for at least three more years.
}
} You owe the Oracle an assistantship.


1296-08    (3fmj3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Just as everyone who has ever been among Vax users knows that noxious
> children faint at the sight of sickly disembodied heads, I know that
> everything the Oracle sez is TRUE! I worship you!
>
> What will the Disney Studios -last- film be about?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Having utterly exhausted the entertainment market Disney will in
} 2008 turn to documentaries in the hope to bore people enough to
} artificially inflate the entertainment market.  Being unable to
} persuade movie theatres to show it their documentaries series "The
} every day life of an architect in the 80's", a masterwork in 5 parts,
} they make a last desperate attempt.
}
} In 2011 Disney starts filming the documentary "The making of a
} Documentary",  a film that will in the end consume more funds than
} the Manhattan Project, the first three directors it drives into the
} dark hazes of bizarre isanity.  In 2023 Disney is deeply indepted
} and starved by "The Making of a Documentary", the fourth director
} has started wearing an orange robe and whacking everyone that asks
} about the progress of the film with an esteathically pleasing stick
} he found in his neighbours backyard.  In 2024 Disney goes bankrupt
} admitting that it might not have been a good idea to choose "The
} making of a Documentary" as subject of "The making of a Documentary".
}
} You owe the Oracle a generic way to break off infinite recursions.


1296-09    (5hffa dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are the cathedral doors locked?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Some fool wanted to post his theses on them.


1296-10    (06blo dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ye great Oracle, master of the world, nay, the universe...
>
> How shall I repair this sword?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bah! Here, take this. Haven't you heard, "The pen is mightier than
} the sword!"
}
}              -------------------------
}
} 'There are Orcs out there' said Gandalf `And a great cave-troll!"
}
} 'They will pay for disturbing the rest of Balin,' said Aragorn
} grimly feeling the edge of his pen, Bic, Ballpoint of the West.
}
} And like a storm in burst the Cave Troll, and forward leapt
} Aragorn and with his pen he wrote a Great Flame chocked full
} of Hateful Words of Lore on the arm of the Cave Troll, phrases
} of great infliction, cunningly crafted they pointed out the Cave
} Troll's many failings, his inability to think his way out of a
} wet parchment bag. And worse!
}
} The Cave Troll paused and held up its arm, huge as a beam, so it
} could view the words The Pen of Aragorn had written there. But,
} alas the Cave Troll was as illiterate as he was strong and the
} words effected him not. Down came the troll's arm and with it a
} hammer as big as two fattened oxen. And so ended the life of the
} heir of Islidur.
}
}                 ------------------------
}
} Oracle: Oops. Sorry about that.


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