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Internet Oracularities #1297

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1297, 1297-01, 1297-02, 1297-03, 1297-04, 1297-05, 1297-06, 1297-07, 1297-08, 1297-09, 1297-10


Internet Oracularities #1297    (62 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 10 Dec 2002 13:22:31 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1297
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1297  62 votes 27pfd 3qn82 1dvc5 34tl5 7hjg3 7bel9 17pm7 2aml7 0cnj8 04enl
1297  3.3 mean  3.5   2.7   3.1   3.3   2.9   3.2   3.4   3.3   3.4   4.0


1297-01    (27pfd dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr. Oracle sir,
>
> Where have all the owboys gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What, you mean you can't C them?


1297-02    (3qn82 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O thou wise and all-knowing Internet Oracle, whose varmints I am
> not worthy to exterminate, please tell me, what is the best way to
> coexist with brown recluse spiders?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To be the biggest of the darn things.
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of fangs.


1297-03    (1dvc5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear mighty one:
> (Insert all others groveling: plus one)
>
> May you solve this for me?
>
> My first is formost legally,
> my second circles outwardly,
> my third leads all in victory,
> my fourth twice ends a nominee,
> my whole the world lives for me.
>
> What am I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, a question fit for me,
} An Oracle of divinity,
} I see you are a divorcee,
} married again and leaving three,
} a lawyer first, for their money,
} then, a socialite for company,
} a well trained coach for number three,
} Steven Soderbergh currently,
} and though your focus is on thee,
} I see that you LOVE, unquestioningly.
}
} For this answer, the Oracle requires from you an unabridged compilation
} of all the books of riddles of the world, handwritten by all the
} marriage counselors of the world.


1297-04    (34tl5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who knows even the secret formula of Coca Cola, please honor
> this supplicant with your wisdom.
>
> What is the deal with the new "colored" sodas?  Pepsi Blue, Red Fusion,
> they all seem so unnecessary.  Why didn't the carbonated beverage
> companies learn their lesson from Crystal Pepsi?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Colored sodas are just the beginning, supplicant. After the Cola Wars
} of the 1980s, the carbonated beverage manufacturers realised that taste
} was just not enough to differentiate their products. Their new strategy
} is to deliver a sugary, caffeinated onslaught to all of consumers'
} senses. Pepsico found that nine out of ten laboratory rats derive a
} sense of refreshment and wellbeing from the color blue, shortly before
} expiring from toxic poisoning.
}
} Next year, you can look forward to new Audible Coke, which stimulates
} the auditory cortex to give the consumer auditory hallucinations of
} that refreshing "pfffsssttt" sound up to 24 hours after consuming the
} beverage. This will be closely followed by Loud Pepsi, which will also
} go "pfffsssttt", but the hallucination will last for 48 hours and be 20
} decibels louder.
}
} And let's not even go into 2004's hot new beverage products, Malodorous
} Coke and Smelly Pepsi.
}
} You owe the Oracle <sniff> some of that <snort> powdery stuff that they
} put into Coca-Cola. <SNORRRRRTTTT> And a straw. No, I won't need a
} drinking glass.


1297-05    (7hjg3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
>  for a good time, ping 203.31.48.11

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle prefers telnet.  We LOVE collecting "Connect failed"
} errors.  We save them up, and for every 100 we collect, McDonald's
} makes a donation to the Ronald McDonald House.
}
} You owe the Oracle 10000 attempts to telnet 0.0.0.0.


1297-06    (7bel9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Paul Kelly <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} >prompt $p$g
}
} C:\Ioracle>dir /od
}  Volume in drive C is Oracle Comp
}  Volume Serial Number is 0000-0001
}
}  Directory of C:\Ioracle
}
} 00/00/0000  00:01 AM                   21,538  ZOTUSER   COM
} 00/00/0000  00:02 AM                    4,042  DULREPLY  DAT
} 00/00/0000  00:03 AM                    5,965  IN-JOKE   DAT
} 00/00/0000  00:04 AM                      148  HUMOR     DAT
} 00/00/0000  00:05 AM                   21,458  QUEDRAIN  EXE
} 05/06/2002  02:22 PM   99,958,743,659,786,128  MAILFILE  DAT
}                6 File(s)      99,958,743,659,840,279 bytes
}                0 Dir(s)  999,999,999,999,999,999,999 bytes free
}
} C:\Ioracle>quedrain
}
} Quedrain Utility V 1.8.0
} Error: Invalid Data Input File Specified
}
} Usage:
} QUEDRAIN Inputfile1 [Inputfile2 Inputfile3...] Mailboxfile [/?/Zn
} zotcommand]
}
} Switches:
}
} /?                Displays this help screen.
} /Zn [Zotcommand]  Issues one Zot per user.  n specifies Zot
}                   intensity and must be an integer number
}                   between 1 and 10 or ?.  If ? is specified,
}                   a random intensity will be selected for each
}                   user.  Zotcommand is the location of the zot
}                   command file to be run.  Note: This zot
}                   command file must conform to Luser Attitude
}                   Readjustment Tool (LART) input specifications
}                   as defined in IEEE document 0001C.
}
} C:\Ioracle>quedrain dulreply.dat in-joke.dat humor.dat mailfile.dat /Z?
} zotuser.com
}
} Quedrain Utility V 1.8.0
} Reading file DULREPLY.DAT ...... OK
} Reading file IN-JOKE.DAT ..... OK
} Reading file HUMOR.DAT ..
} Error reading input from file HUMOR.DAT.  Continue <y/n/a>?y
} Input from file HUMOR.DAT discarded
} Reading file MAILFILE.DAT .....................................
} ...............................................................
} ...............................................................
} ...............................................................
} ...............................................................
} ...............................................................
} ...............................................................
} ...............................................................
} ...............................................................
} ..................................... OK
} Warning:  Random ZOT intensity specified:  Some ZOTs issued may
} cause permanent injury or death to receipients!
} Continue <y/n>?y
} Sending Mail Replies ..........................................
} ...............................................................
} ...............................................................
} ...............................................................
} ...............................................................
} ...............................................................
} ...............................................................
} ...............................................................
} ...............................................................
} ................................ OK
}
} Queue Successfully Drained!!!
}
} C:\Ioracle>dir
}  Volume in drive C is Oracle Comp
}  Volume Serial Number is 0000-0001
}
}  Directory of C:\Ioracle
}
} 00/00/0000  00:01 AM                   21,538  ZOTUSER   COM
} 00/00/0000  00:01 AM                    4,042  DULREPLY  DAT
} 00/00/0000  00:02 AM                    5,965  IN-JOKE   DAT
} 00/00/0000  00:03 AM                      148  HUMOR     DAT
} 00/00/0000  00:04 AM                   21,458  QUEDRAIN  EXE
} 05/06/2002  02:27 PM                       13  MAILFILE  DAT
}                6 File(s)                      53,164 bytes
}                0 Dir(s)  999,999,999,999,999,999,999 bytes free
}
} C:\Ioracle>exit


1297-07    (17pm7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Paul Kelly <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most knowledgeable Oracle, who always turned his homework in early,
>
> Why do all the teachers always make everything due on the same day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Principal Player: Nibbles, let's hear your report now.
}
} Nibbles: Thank you sir, earlier today we intercepted a number of enemy
} communications in Mrs. Gina's math class and Mr. Enis' English class
} which included, amongst the normal gossip, some rather disturbing plays
} on their names showing clear disrespect. Currently the notes are being
} examined by Roberts in psych due to a number of doodles that may also
} hold important information.
}
} Player: Thank you Nibbles, Ms. Kittens has prepared a special report for
} today's meeting.
}
} Kittens: I'm sorry my news couldn't be better but after several weeks of
} investigation we've discovered the enemy have formed a rudimentary
} shadow government in waiting.
}
} <general murmur and gasps>
}
} Kittens: Made up of representatives from each grade and meeting with a
} president, treasurer and secretary they have been planning a number of
} "events".
}
} Enis: What kind of events?
}
} Kittens: We don't know but given that they outnumber us 30 to 1 we
} should do what we can to prepare.
}
} Player: Thank you Kitten, I mean Ms. Kittens. Well, I for one will not
} be the Principal who loses control of this house. We need a coordinated
} effort to  disrupt both their communications, organizations and
} shake their social formations  to the core. Enis, I need a battery of
} spelling tests here, here and here.  <pointing to large map of calendar
} on the wall> Gina bring some snap algebra quizzes in here and here.
} That should provide enough cover for the rest of you to line up the
} mid-terms and term papers for here.
}
} Roberts: Shouldn't we move that from Friday to Monday to disrupt one
} more weekend?
}
} Player: Excellent point Roberts but I want that week for a series of
} fire, earthquake and bomb drills to rattle them up a bit before we
} bring in a little something I like to call a "science fair".
}
} Kittens: Mandatory participation?
}
} Player: Of course Kitten, I mean Ms. Kittens.
}
} <round of applause>
}
} You owe the Oracle a transcription of the "We will fight in the
} hallways, we will fight in the classrooms" speech. Oh, and some photos
} of Ms. Kittens.


1297-08    (2aml7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise,
>
> I know what a dog-eared book is, but what does a cat-eared
> book look like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, supplicant,  It doesn't look that different; a little smaller
} perhaps , and a little less eager to please.  The thing to watch out
} for is that, if it doesn't want to be read, it can give you a nasty
} set of paper cuts when you pick it up.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rabbit-eared book.


1297-09    (0cnj8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, mighty Oracle, whose boots I am not fit to even appoint someone
> else to lick, please tell me --
>
> What's the easiest way to plan a wedding?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A couple d10 and the following charts:
}
} Date of wedding:
} 01-30: February 14
} 31-50: Spring
} 51-70: Summer
} 71-80: Fall
} 81-90: Winter
} 91-95: January 1
} 96-97: December 25
} 98-99: This coming Saturday
} 00: Reroll on table twice and keep both results
}
} Location of wedding:
} 01-30: Church
} 31-50: Community Hall
} 51-70: Park
} 71-90: Local Attraction
} 91-95: New York
} 96-97: North Pole
} 98-99: Las Vegas
} 00: Reroll on table twice and keep both results
}
} Who to invite:
} 01-30: Friends and Extended Family
} 31-50: Friends and Immediate Family
} 51-70: Friends, Family and Passerbys
} 71-90: Friends, Family and Drunken Passerbys
} 91-95: Dick Clark & several million people
} 96-97: Mr. & Mrs. Claus
} 98-99: Blackjack dealer
} 00: Reroll on table twice and keep both results
}
} You owe the Oracle the chance to plan more weddings.


1297-10    (04enl dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Hey Oracle! Look at this! If you use a monospaced font to
>  view your email, then the lines in this question line up!
>  Of course, if you do not then you lose the effect. Also I
>  had to use words I don't really know the meaning of, like
>  "uxurious" to achieve the desired result. I bet that news
>  papers could save money by buying cheaper word processors
>  that don't have a "justify" alignment and just tell their
>  writers to write so that all the lines are aligned in the
>  Courier New font. Although the lost productivity spent by
>  trying to align the lines would cost something too. I bet
>  that if I dragged this out for a while, I would then make
>  a cube! I mean a square. Cubes are three-dimensional. But
>  then I'd have to continue for about another twenty lines.
>  So I won't. But I don't want to exert the effort required
>  to make the lines aligned anymore so I'll just end abrupt

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I would be          a bit more
} excited by          your skill
}           if you did          a pattern.
}           Like a box          with holes
} in it like          this. Or a
} swirl or a          zigzag. If
}           You really          tried hard
}           with these          things you
} might just          get into a
} digest. If          you have a
}           desire for          RHO infamy
}           you'd make          a question
} that would          ask me how
} woodchucks          chuck wood


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