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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr. Oracle sir, > > Where have all the owboys gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What, you mean you can't C them?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O thou wise and all-knowing Internet Oracle, whose varmints I am > not worthy to exterminate, please tell me, what is the best way to > coexist with brown recluse spiders?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To be the biggest of the darn things. } } You owe the Oracle a set of fangs.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear mighty one: > (Insert all others groveling: plus one) > > May you solve this for me? > > My first is formost legally, > my second circles outwardly, > my third leads all in victory, > my fourth twice ends a nominee, > my whole the world lives for me. > > What am I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, a question fit for me, } An Oracle of divinity, } I see you are a divorcee, } married again and leaving three, } a lawyer first, for their money, } then, a socialite for company, } a well trained coach for number three, } Steven Soderbergh currently, } and though your focus is on thee, } I see that you LOVE, unquestioningly. } } For this answer, the Oracle requires from you an unabridged compilation } of all the books of riddles of the world, handwritten by all the } marriage counselors of the world.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who knows even the secret formula of Coca Cola, please honor > this supplicant with your wisdom. > > What is the deal with the new "colored" sodas?  Pepsi Blue, Red Fusion, > they all seem so unnecessary.  Why didn't the carbonated beverage > companies learn their lesson from Crystal Pepsi?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Colored sodas are just the beginning, supplicant. After the Cola Wars } of the 1980s, the carbonated beverage manufacturers realised that taste } was just not enough to differentiate their products. Their new strategy } is to deliver a sugary, caffeinated onslaught to all of consumers' } senses. Pepsico found that nine out of ten laboratory rats derive a } sense of refreshment and wellbeing from the color blue, shortly before } expiring from toxic poisoning. } } Next year, you can look forward to new Audible Coke, which stimulates } the auditory cortex to give the consumer auditory hallucinations of } that refreshing "pfffsssttt" sound up to 24 hours after consuming the } beverage. This will be closely followed by Loud Pepsi, which will also } go "pfffsssttt", but the hallucination will last for 48 hours and be 20 } decibels louder. } } And let's not even go into 2004's hot new beverage products, Malodorous } Coke and Smelly Pepsi. } } You owe the Oracle <sniff> some of that <snort> powdery stuff that they } put into Coca-Cola. <SNORRRRRTTTT> And a straw. No, I won't need a } drinking glass.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Oracle Most Wise, > >  for a good time, ping 203.31.48.11

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle prefers telnet.  We LOVE collecting "Connect failed" } errors.  We save them up, and for every 100 we collect, McDonald's } makes a donation to the Ronald McDonald House. } } You owe the Oracle 10000 attempts to telnet 0.0.0.0.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} >prompt $p$g } } C:\Ioracle>dir /od }  Volume in drive C is Oracle Comp }  Volume Serial Number is 0000-0001 } }  Directory of C:\Ioracle } } 00/00/0000  00:01 AM                   21,538  ZOTUSER   COM } 00/00/0000  00:02 AM                    4,042  DULREPLY  DAT } 00/00/0000  00:03 AM                    5,965  IN-JOKE   DAT } 00/00/0000  00:04 AM                      148  HUMOR     DAT } 00/00/0000  00:05 AM                   21,458  QUEDRAIN  EXE } 05/06/2002  02:22 PM   99,958,743,659,786,128  MAILFILE  DAT }                6 File(s)      99,958,743,659,840,279 bytes }                0 Dir(s)  999,999,999,999,999,999,999 bytes free } } C:\Ioracle>quedrain } } Quedrain Utility V 1.8.0 } Error: Invalid Data Input File Specified } } Usage: } QUEDRAIN Inputfile1 [Inputfile2 Inputfile3...] Mailboxfile [/?/Zn } zotcommand] } } Switches: } } /?                Displays this help screen. } /Zn [Zotcommand]  Issues one Zot per user.  n specifies Zot }                   intensity and must be an integer number }                   between 1 and 10 or ?.  If ? is specified, }                   a random intensity will be selected for each }                   user.  Zotcommand is the location of the zot }                   command file to be run.  Note: This zot }                   command file must conform to Luser Attitude }                   Readjustment Tool (LART) input specifications }                   as defined in IEEE document 0001C. } } C:\Ioracle>quedrain dulreply.dat in-joke.dat humor.dat mailfile.dat /Z? } zotuser.com } } Quedrain Utility V 1.8.0 } Reading file DULREPLY.DAT ...... OK } Reading file IN-JOKE.DAT ..... OK } Reading file HUMOR.DAT .. } Error reading input from file HUMOR.DAT.  Continue <y/n/a>?y } Input from file HUMOR.DAT discarded } Reading file MAILFILE.DAT ..................................... } ............................................................... } ............................................................... } ............................................................... } ............................................................... } ............................................................... } ............................................................... } ............................................................... } ............................................................... } ..................................... OK } Warning:  Random ZOT intensity specified:  Some ZOTs issued may } cause permanent injury or death to receipients! } Continue <y/n>?y } Sending Mail Replies .......................................... } ............................................................... } ............................................................... } ............................................................... } ............................................................... } ............................................................... } ............................................................... } ............................................................... } ............................................................... } ................................ OK } } Queue Successfully Drained!!! } } C:\Ioracle>dir }  Volume in drive C is Oracle Comp }  Volume Serial Number is 0000-0001 } }  Directory of C:\Ioracle } } 00/00/0000  00:01 AM                   21,538  ZOTUSER   COM } 00/00/0000  00:01 AM                    4,042  DULREPLY  DAT } 00/00/0000  00:02 AM                    5,965  IN-JOKE   DAT } 00/00/0000  00:03 AM                      148  HUMOR     DAT } 00/00/0000  00:04 AM                   21,458  QUEDRAIN  EXE } 05/06/2002  02:27 PM                       13  MAILFILE  DAT }                6 File(s)                      53,164 bytes }                0 Dir(s)  999,999,999,999,999,999,999 bytes free } } C:\Ioracle>exit

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most knowledgeable Oracle, who always turned his homework in early, > > Why do all the teachers always make everything due on the same day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Principal Player: Nibbles, let's hear your report now. } } Nibbles: Thank you sir, earlier today we intercepted a number of enemy } communications in Mrs. Gina's math class and Mr. Enis' English class } which included, amongst the normal gossip, some rather disturbing plays } on their names showing clear disrespect. Currently the notes are being } examined by Roberts in psych due to a number of doodles that may also } hold important information. } } Player: Thank you Nibbles, Ms. Kittens has prepared a special report for } today's meeting. } } Kittens: I'm sorry my news couldn't be better but after several weeks of } investigation we've discovered the enemy have formed a rudimentary } shadow government in waiting. } } <general murmur and gasps> } } Kittens: Made up of representatives from each grade and meeting with a } president, treasurer and secretary they have been planning a number of } "events". } } Enis: What kind of events? } } Kittens: We don't know but given that they outnumber us 30 to 1 we } should do what we can to prepare. } } Player: Thank you Kitten, I mean Ms. Kittens. Well, I for one will not } be the Principal who loses control of this house. We need a coordinated } effort to  disrupt both their communications, organizations and } shake their social formations  to the core. Enis, I need a battery of } spelling tests here, here and here.  <pointing to large map of calendar } on the wall> Gina bring some snap algebra quizzes in here and here. } That should provide enough cover for the rest of you to line up the } mid-terms and term papers for here. } } Roberts: Shouldn't we move that from Friday to Monday to disrupt one } more weekend? } } Player: Excellent point Roberts but I want that week for a series of } fire, earthquake and bomb drills to rattle them up a bit before we } bring in a little something I like to call a "science fair". } } Kittens: Mandatory participation? } } Player: Of course Kitten, I mean Ms. Kittens. } } <round of applause> } } You owe the Oracle a transcription of the "We will fight in the } hallways, we will fight in the classrooms" speech. Oh, and some photos } of Ms. Kittens.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise, > > I know what a dog-eared book is, but what does a cat-eared > book look like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, supplicant,  It doesn't look that different; a little smaller } perhaps , and a little less eager to please.  The thing to watch out } for is that, if it doesn't want to be read, it can give you a nasty } set of paper cuts when you pick it up. } } You owe the Oracle a rabbit-eared book.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, mighty Oracle, whose boots I am not fit to even appoint someone > else to lick, please tell me -- > > What's the easiest way to plan a wedding?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A couple d10 and the following charts: } } Date of wedding: } 01-30: February 14 } 31-50: Spring } 51-70: Summer } 71-80: Fall } 81-90: Winter } 91-95: January 1 } 96-97: December 25 } 98-99: This coming Saturday } 00: Reroll on table twice and keep both results } } Location of wedding: } 01-30: Church } 31-50: Community Hall } 51-70: Park } 71-90: Local Attraction } 91-95: New York } 96-97: North Pole } 98-99: Las Vegas } 00: Reroll on table twice and keep both results } } Who to invite: } 01-30: Friends and Extended Family } 31-50: Friends and Immediate Family } 51-70: Friends, Family and Passerbys } 71-90: Friends, Family and Drunken Passerbys } 91-95: Dick Clark & several million people } 96-97: Mr. & Mrs. Claus } 98-99: Blackjack dealer } 00: Reroll on table twice and keep both results } } You owe the Oracle the chance to plan more weddings.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Hey Oracle! Look at this! If you use a monospaced font to >  view your email, then the lines in this question line up! >  Of course, if you do not then you lose the effect. Also I >  had to use words I don't really know the meaning of, like >  "uxurious" to achieve the desired result. I bet that news >  papers could save money by buying cheaper word processors >  that don't have a "justify" alignment and just tell their >  writers to write so that all the lines are aligned in the >  Courier New font. Although the lost productivity spent by >  trying to align the lines would cost something too. I bet >  that if I dragged this out for a while, I would then make >  a cube! I mean a square. Cubes are three-dimensional. But >  then I'd have to continue for about another twenty lines. >  So I won't. But I don't want to exert the effort required >  to make the lines aligned anymore so I'll just end abrupt

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I would be          a bit more } excited by          your skill }           if you did          a pattern. }           Like a box          with holes } in it like          this. Or a } swirl or a          zigzag. If }           You really          tried hard }           with these          things you } might just          get into a } digest. If          you have a }           desire for          RHO infamy }           you'd make          a question } that would          ask me how } woodchucks          chuck wood