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Internet Oracularities #1299

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Internet Oracularities #1299    (59 votes, 3.5 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 16 Dec 2002 10:32:36 -0500 (EST)

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1299  59 votes 16hjg 3bhk8 2adoa 1dhl7 29ta9 79cm9 8dgca 65acq 27gke 34fmf
1299  3.5 mean  3.7   3.3   3.5   3.3   3.3   3.3   3.1   3.8   3.6   3.7


1299-01    (16hjg dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle
>
> Now that the The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers is almost upon us, I
> thought I'd ask about a few things that puzzle me.
>
> 1. Since the eagles appear at the most opportune times, why doesn't
> Gandalf just summon one, have Frodo ride to the Cracks of Doom, and get
> the movie over with in under an hour?
>
> 2. Since the Balrog has wings, can't he take off and fly when Gandalf
> collapses the bridge under him?
>
> 3. Isn't having 9 male members and no female members of the fellowship
> a bit sexist?
>
> 4. Is it just me, or is Galadrial a hottie?
>
> 5. How come people have such issues with Tom Bombadil being left out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Insignificant, Tiny and Irrelevant, yet boldly
} curious Supplicant,
}
} It is interesting to note that you have been so
} presumptuous as to ask not one question, as is all any
} mere mortal is entitled to, but five questions. In
} addition to the normal fee for services rendered,
} there will be times that I shall call upon you
} unexpectedly, and you will be required to assist. The
} Oracle knows where you live.
}
} 1. There are times in everyone's lives where they have
} bemoaned the action or lack of action they could have
} performed in a particular incident; mortal's lives are
} full of "what-ifs" and they spend a great deal of time
} kicking themselves in the rear. Gandalf remembered the
} eagles later. You should have SEEN him kick himself.
} It was funny.
}
} 2. The Balrog has been trapped in the underworld for
} many a century, and due to a combination of a lack of
} challenging adventurers, an abundance of meals
} delivered to the door and Foxtel, he is not the trim
} and physically capable Balrog he once was. He has let
} himself go. As awe-inspiring and visually aesthetic as
} those wings are, muscular atrophy has left them limp
} and useless. Pity not the Balrog, for he brought it
} upon himself. Lifestyle diseases are preventable.
}
} 3. The first definition of "fellow" in the Webster
} Comprehensive Dictionary is "A man; boy." So, no, it
} is not sexist, it is common sense. Actually, they had
} female members of the group before they decided to
} call it a "fellowship", but they all went to the
} bathhroom in a large group just before they were due
} to set off, so they left without them.
}
} 4. Galadriel is, indeed, a hottie. However, dear
} Supplicant, as close as she is to your thoughts, you
} are a long, long way from hers. You may join the
} proverbial queue.
}
} 5. The nature of Tom Bombadil in the book was
} diverting, humourous, innocuous and, above all,
} irrelevant to the outcome. You will find a parallel
} between this and the nature of the people most
} bothered by his absense. They are compelled to get
} upset, because they are simply expressing their
} greatest subconcious fear: That when the Oracles of
} the Universe get together at the End of the World and
} make the movie, their lives will be left on the
} cutting room floor.


1299-02    (3bhk8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most arcane and understanding Oracle, whose earwax I am not even
> worthy to digest...
>
> What? You seem scared...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is not scared of anything. The Oracle is immortal, all-
} powerful, and a snappy dresser. It's just that I have this tendency
} to turn pale and fall into a deathly faint when I hear someone utter
} the word "earwax" ...
}
}                               * * *
}
} That night, that dark and terrible night. Bringing to me horrors that
} should not be spoken. It was a dreary evening, with swollen clouds
} overhead threatening to hurl their icy arrows down into the gloom.
} I sat in my study warming myself before the Oracular fire. The glow
} of my terminal cast a feeble light around the room. The flickering
} green glow revealed the cobwebs on Bosch paintings on my walls in a
} strange new light.
}
} Just as I began to consider redecorating, a hideous, contorted face
} appeared before me, and my nostrils filled with a rank and gruesome
} stench. If only Zadoc would learn to knock first.
}
} "Master ... a supplicant ... "
}
} My high priest and head servant seemed different tonight, as if
} weighed down by a great load. His shoulders were stooped, his head
} bowed towards the ground as if drawn by fearsome gravity.
}
} "A supplicant? At this time of the night? But most of my supplicants
} haven't even had breakfast yet. And they reach me through there..."
} I gestured vaguely at the terminal.
}
} Zadoc shook his head grimly. "Not this one, Master. This one has a
} problem ... a problem he says only *you* can help him with, in person."
}
} Reluctantly I followed Zadoc down the creaking stairs, into my
} entrance hallwauy. The hallway was shrouded in gloom, but every now
} and then lightning would flash nearby, illuminating the stained-glass
} panel in my front door and casting vibrant, wrenching color into the
} room.
}
} Another thumping knock sounded on the door, echoing the booming of
} thunder far away, but drawing nearer, nearer. Zadoc swung the door
} wide. And there in the doorway, framed in a momentary flash of
} lightning, was my supplicant.
}
} A cave troll. With a hearing problem.


1299-03    (2adoa dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most SamWise,
>
> Why didn't Frodo just hitch a ride to Mount Doom on one of those giant
> Eagles?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lemmie give you a few clues:
}  - Eagles don't like people.  They don't like dwarves, because they're
}    too crunchy.  They don't like elves, not enough meat.  They don't
}    like men, men stink.  They don't like orcs, orcs taste bad.  They
}    don't like goblins, goblins are too sinewy.  Eagles do like hobbits,
}    but only with a holendaise sauce.  Eagles respect the ainur, but
}    they aren't a taxi service even for the likes of Wizards.
}  - Birds fly thru the air, and either flap their wings in ornithoper
}    fashion, or use updrafts to gain altitude.  Volcanos produce updrafts
}    from their heat.  Orodruin is no ordinary volcano, as Sauron's own
}    power infused in it stokes it's fires.  So the updrafts around
}    Orodruin have the nigh-godlike lifting-eagles-into-the-strasophere
}    properties.
}  - Sauron the all-seeing is going to notice when his precious ring is
}    crusing into his front yard on an oversized parakeet.  He wasn't
}    omniscient like myself, but in Middle-Earth during the Third Age,
}    nobody would be better suited for sighting on an tactical air strike.
}
} But the most likely reason is:
}  - Flying there and flying back, we wouldn't have read about the plight
}    of the Aragorn heir of Isildur, the corruption of Saruman, the
}    repentant sacrifice of the last Steward of Gondor, the just reward of
}    Smeagol, the coming-of-age subplot for Meriadoc and Peregrin,
}    Gimli's dispair and grief for his family in Khazad-dum, the final
}    rest of Nazgul Witch-King... basically we'd be treated to
}    two-and-a-half books worth of poems about Tom Bombadil, and
}    heaven have mercy on us all if that happened.
}
} You owe the Oracle an ounce of sweet galenas. (go look it up)


1299-04    (1dhl7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise one,
>
> Is my ex just trying to make me jealous or does he love the girl he's
> hanging out with now?
>
> ~Your faithful follower

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear YFF,
}
} You appear to be operating under at least two mistaken assumptions
} about this particular man:
}
} 1. he understands his feelings
} 2. he has a memory
}
} Let me assure you that your ex is not trying to make you jealous. I
} hate to be the one to tell you, but if he's hanging around with a new
} girl, he's forgotten you exist. Don't get me wrong - he still has
} memories of the relationship you shared, but he doesn't really
} comprehend that you still exist in the present. Causing you mental
} stress is not something he either wants to do or is trying to do. His
} greatest wish is that you stop comprehending that he exists in the
} present. I am not suggesting you do so, just trying to give you an
} insight into his feeble little mind.
}
} Whether he loves the girl or not - well, he probably thinks he does,
} but, trust the Oracle - this particular gentleman is not emotionally
} mature enough to understand and express his feelings.
}
} Good luck in your pursuit of future relationships. You will find
} someone suitable to you.
}
} Sincerely,
}
} The Orannlanderscle.
}
} PS You owe the Oracle a promise that you will never, ever again date
} anyone named Zadoc. You'd think people would have learned that by now.


1299-05    (29ta9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm bored.... Say something amusing!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And then the giraffe says "That's not my neck!"
}
} The punchline isn't quite as funny without the joke, is it?


1299-06    (79cm9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Having enduring fame is the Oracle's lot; undying he watches our
> sad human lives all the while learning and laughing,
>
> Hwo do we know if anything is real?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} anything is real, unless declared integer.
}
} Sorry, an old FORTRAN joke there.
}
} You owe The Oracle a format statement to print a picture of Lisa.


1299-07    (8dgca dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT DOES NOT STINK
> THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT DOES NOT STINK
> THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT DOES NOT STINK
> THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT DOES NOT STINK

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, that smell is coming from the baby Jesus.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of Febreeze. Actually, just go ahead
} and spritz it in the manger. Thanks.


1299-08    (65acq dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most global in perspective,
>
> Europe is just as rich and white as America, where do they
> get off by acting like they're morally superior?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's lay it on the table and see what we find:
}
} =====================================================================
} |                      |       EUROPE        |     UNITED STATES    |
} =====================================================================
} | 1. Predominant       |                     |                      |
} |    racial grouping?  |       White         |         White        |
} |                      |                     |                      |
} | 2. Level of          |                     |                      |
} |    affluence?        |        Rich         |          Rich        |
} |                      |                     |                      |
} | 3. Repository for    |                     |                      |
} |    spoiled, rich     | Powerless, symbolic |    The White House   |
} |    idiots with       |  royal families     |                      |
} |    famous parents?   |                     |                      |
} |                      |                     |                      |
} | 4. Prevailing public |                     |                      |
} |    opinion on:       |                     |                      |
} |                      |                     |                      |
} |    a. Global warming | It's bloody obvious!| Facts aren't facts   |
} |                      |                     | if they mean I lose  |
} |                      |                     | money.               |
} |                      |                     |                      |
} |    b. Terrorism      | It's a problem.     | AIIIIEEEEE! KILL!    |
} |                      | Let's solve it.     | KILL! KILL! KILL     |
} |                      |                     | ANYONE WHO WHIFFS OF |
} |                      |                     | ANYTHING SUSPICIOUS! |
} |                      |                     |                      |
} |    c. Gun control    | It's bloody obvious!| You can't make your  |
} |                      |                     | problems go away     |
} |                      |                     | just by outlawing    |
} |                      |                     | them.                |
} |                      |                     |                      |
} |    d. Keeping        | It's bloody obvious!| Let's outlaw         |
} |       abortion legal |                     | abortion, and then   |
} |                      |                     | the problem will go  |
} |                      |                     | away! Hurray!        |
} |                      |                     |                      |
} |    e. The death      | Two wrongs don't    | Victim's families    |
} |       penalty        | make a right.       | will find bloodlust  |
} |                      |                     | -- I mean, peace,    |
} |                      |                     | and titillation --   |
} |                      |                     | I mean, closure,     |
} |                      |                     | through revenge --   |
} |                      |                     | I mean, justice.     |
} |                      |                     |                      |
} |    e. War with Iraq  | Shouldn't we have a | Look at all these    |
} |                      | reason, first? Or   | bright, shiny        |
} |                      | some evidence? Or   | weapons we've got!   |
} |                      | something? Hello??  |                      |
} |                      |                     |                      |
} |    f. Food           | Let's have some     | Did somebody say     |
} |                      | traditional         | McDonald's?          |
} |                      | regional favorites  |                      |
} |                      | made with fresh     |                      |
} |                      | ingredients, and a  |                      |
} |                      | fine wine.          |                      |
} =====================================================================
}
} So there you have it, supplicant. The Europeans aren't morally superior
} to you at all. Just intellectually.
}
} You owe the Oracle a star-spangled dunce cap.


1299-09    (27gke dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Paul Kelly <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I find your lack of clue disturbing.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, but we do have Risk and Monopoly. Maybe you should have
} started your Christmas shopping a little earlier.


1299-10    (34fmf dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help me Wise One!
>
> I am typing this on the tiny terminal of a home that I have broken
> into, the other ones weren't right. But I'm a bit  frightened. I ate
> some of the  food I found down in the kitchen, that which wasn't
> too spicy nor leftovers. I, I, accidentally broke some of the furniture.
> I was lost in the woods Oracle, this is the only place I could
> find. Oh, Oracle I'm sleepy and scared. What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, when they arrive home, you have several options.
}
} 1. SIMPLE AND HONEST
}
} "Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Bear, and little guy. I know this looks bad,
} but I was lost in the woods, and I -- wait -- what're you -- no,
} don't -- AIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!"
}
} *chomp* *chomp* *chomp* >URRRP!<
}
} That didn't work so well. Well, there's always ...
}
} 2. CREATE A DISTRACTION SO YOU CAN SNEAK OUT UNNOTICED
}
} "Oh hi there, my little beehive-licker. Is my furry lovesy-wuvvsy
} here to get all satiated for a long winter's hibernation? ... Wait,
} who's she?  ...  What do you mean, you don't know me? After last night,
} and two weeks ago, and on Valentine's Day, and in the forest, and
} in the crystalline chuckling stream, and on top of the refrigerator,
} and in your bed, YOU'RE SAYING YOU DON'T KNOW ME?"
}
} That has potential, but Mrs. Bear has two paws, and she could take
} you out with one swipe while dealing with her husband. How about ...
}
} 3. STRIKE FEAR IN THEIR URSINE HEARTS
}
} "Oh, you're PERFECT! You'll look great in front of the fireplace,
} right by the new love seat. Now, hold still ... "
}
} Either they'll bolt out the door in terror, or they'll run with your
} idea and YOU'LL wind up in front of the fireplace. No better than
} fifty-fifty odds. Well, we could try ...
}
} 4. CONFUSE THEM
}
} "I'm a bear, and you're all little girls. RAAWWWRR!"
}
} Nope. They'll just say "What was all THAT about?" as they're picking
} bits of you out of their teeth. Then, maybe ...
}
} 5. PEPPER SPRAY
}
} *PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHT* (cough, cough, cough) "Rats, I forgot"
} (cough) "that spraying pepper spray in a little enclosed space" (cough)
} "like a cabin" (cough) "wasn't such a good ideaAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEE!"
}
} *chomp* *chomp* *chomp* >URP!<
}
} "Mmmm, zesty! Honey, pick us up some of that neat marinade she had,
} okay?"
}
} You know, the options just aren't looking so good. I think you
} should've asked me for advice BEFORE you tried to burglarize the
} home of lethally strong, man-eating carnivores, not AFTER. I mean,
} I'm all-knowing, and I'm here to serve, but you gotta work with me
} a little.
}
} You owe the Oracle your wishbone.


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