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25 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 0:44:12 GMT

Internet Oracularities #13

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13, 13-01, 13-02, 13-03, 13-04, 13-05, 13-06, 13-07, 13-08, 13-09, 13-10


Usenet Oracularities #13
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 13 Oct 89 01:01:58 GMT

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       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.


13-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What makes you so smart?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's a long path to intelligence such as mine.  Actually, for the
} first few hundred years I wasn't THAT smart.  I spent a lot of time
} enjoying immortality, exploring this world and others like it, taking
} tea with strange gods, rescuing beautiful monsters from savage
} princesses, and generally having a bloody HELL of a good time.
}  After that, I met some Elder Gods, still had sex with millions of
} women, beat venereal disease with the help of Zeus (he has a good number
} of home remedies, not the least of which is advertising the fact that
} he'll strike dead any woman who doesn't tell him she has it), got really
} rocked off my <nff> CONSTANTLY (that nectar is pretty strong stuff), and
} fell in with the Delphi gang.
}   A few thousand years later, I had spent a fair amount of time in
} Alexandria studying human knowledge and in Roath Prime studying Immortal
} knowledge.  I became quite a recluse.  The Olympiads had, by this point,
} skipped off to some other existance for an extended coffee break.  (
} They never DID come back, come to think of it.  Maybe they were just
} trying to shake me.  Hmmm )
}   After THAT, I became the Oracle and gathered a following in this
} space-time.  Does that answer you question, mortal?


13-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, Groovy and Cool! Oh Knower of Knowledge so Great and Divine!
> Oh Mystic Mind of Fantastic Proportions! Answer, oh Answer this
> Question of Mine:
>
> Where and when and how did you come into this reality, man?
> (I'm writing an oracular biography and, like, really need to know.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am the First and the Last.  I am the Alpha and the Omega.  I am the
} Beginning and the End.  I am all that has ever been, and all that will
} ever be.  From the beginning of Time until the end of Eternity I stand,
} watching, waiting, knowing.
}
} P.S.  If you happen to run across any cute female Oracles, please tell
}       me.  Billions and billions of years is a long time, you know.


13-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If the brotherhood (frats) are the creme de la creme of manliness,
> why then must they import naive Freshmen as "little sisters?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Silly child, think about it. If you were a no-brain greek, only
} interested in physical pleasures, (like many unenlightened male humans
} are, I'm afraid) which would you rather want? A young, naive freshman,
} who'll be willing to do <almost> anything just to be in the `in' crowd?
} (Or what she THINKS is the in crowd. They DO have lotsa parties) Or an
} older, wiser woman who'll probably be wanting, ICK!, a RELATIONSHIP??
}   Greeks are unenlightened dolts. So are many men. It makes me wonder
} about how much my childhood was different, being almost ten thousand
} years ago. Of course, come to think of it, we (Zeus and the `in' gods)
} kinda did the same thing. Instead of dating (or f***ing) goddesses, we
} went with naive, easily impressed mortals. (The nymphs, on the other
} hand.... WHOA. Too bad they left a while ago for Dryanna. Oh well) I
} guess things haven't changed that much after all. It's just the
} thousands of years giving me perspective. And I'm still young for a
} divinity!
}   This is why.
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of Graecian formula
} The Oracle has reminisced.


13-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the answer to this question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Clever, very clever. But not clever enough. You see, my son, that `What
} is the answer to this question?' can be changed in a few steps to an
} equivalent, which will show us the true question.
}  1) What is the solution to this problem?
}  2) Solve this problem.
}  3) What is this problem?
} Step 1 is from the observation that `answer'=solution and
} `question'=problem.
} Step 2 simplifies `What is the solution', which means simply `Solve'.
} Now, we see that the trick is that the problem is to solve what the
} problem is, and thus step 3. Therefore, `answer' was an extraneous
} element in the question. We have, however, a solution.
}  The problem is to find out what the problem is.
}  The answer is "What is the question?" (This is a solution, not a
} request for more information)
} You might not like the answers, but they are the answers to your
} question.
} You owe the Oracle a service: Cut out one inch by 1/2 inch strips of
} your skin at regular intervals. Go swimming in the ocean. Then walk
} around with a Portugeuse man-o-war in your shorts.
} The Oracle has riposted.


13-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there such a thing as oracle sex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh you ignorant human!  Don't you realize by now that Oracles are much
} beyond such simple pleasures as what you refer to as "sex."  Oracles
} share something vaguely similar to human sex, but on a much higher
} level than any lowlife such as yourself could fathom.  The feeling is
} much more sensational than anything you will ever experience, so I
} won't bother trying to explain.


13-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where should I send my payment for your services.
> It's hard to get 1000 quarts of sperm into ethernet packets.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In my infinite wisdom, I have established branch offices at various
} points around the world. I believe the one in the United States would
} be most convenient for you? Send your sperm to this address:
}
} The Almighty
} 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
} Washington, D.C.
}
} Note: the zipcode is unimportant; the mail system will know for whom you
} intend the package.


13-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many roads must a Man walk down before they call him a woman?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only one road:  Virginia State Road 51, down by Croaker, the road
} leading to Joe-Bob's Fried Chicken and Sex Change Restaurant.


13-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why do people wear ties?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ties are symbolic phalli.  People with small genital organs, of either
} sex, wear ties to pretend that they are not inferior in this way.


13-09    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty propheseer,
> I'm a joke subject, and frankly am annoyed at some of the things the
> jokemakers make me do. For instance, about thirty-five times in the last
> month they've had me smash into things with that inane `Two guys walk
> into a bar. It sure hurt! Yuk, yuk' Yuck indeed. My friend is still in
> intensive care. And they have us do perverse things over and over. Like
> the `Two guys walking down the street see a dog licking it's nuts. One
> says, "Boy, I wish I could do that!" the other turns to him and says,
> "Shouldn't you get to know him better?"' Boy, that was SURE funny.
> Though it did get OLD THE NINETY TIMES WE HAD TO DO IT!
>   Please, Oracle, tell me how I can escape from this job. I didn't sin
> THAT badly to be sent to joke-hell!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Actually, there is a very easy way out of this.  Since you are
} a joke subject, you know every punch-line that there is, so you can
} become anarchistic/chaotic really easily, and in a constructive way
} (though it may cost you your job, but I know thisis the point).  Every
} time someone tries to use you as a subect, you tell the punchline as
} early into the joke as you can...
}
}       For instanec, were the oracle to take your job, it would sound
} like this...
}               Oracle shouts,"FISH!"
}               Just as the joker start in with, "How many
} suurrealists... oh, you've heard that one."
}
}       See, makes the job a little better.
}       However, the only true way to escape form joke-hell is to make
} sure that no one gets the joke (FISH!).


13-10    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is your favorite sexual position?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Am I to assume this is a question of advise?
}
} From the way I can tell you will be sitting, your favourite position
} would be on your neighbour's kitchen table, with the egg whisk and
} mayonaise.
}
} My favourite position on the other hand is exactly the opposite.
}
} Read the manual entry for grep as penance for for sexual depravity
} during working hours.


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