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29 Jul 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 14:44:43 GMT

Internet Oracularities #130

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130, 130-01, 130-02, 130-03, 130-04, 130-05, 130-06, 130-07, 130-08, 130-09, 130-10


Usenet Oracularities #130    (19 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 26 Feb 90 16:40:49 -0500

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130   19 votes 14644 134a1 15463 01585 016a2 15454 32860 2033b 46522 23941
130   3.3 mean  3.3   3.4   3.3   3.9   3.7   3.3   2.9   4.1   2.6   2.9


130-01    (14644 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Oracle, you wacky cosmic guy!
>
> I'm J.P.  Futtbuck, of Futtbuck Advertising, Inc.  You know, you're a
> real awesome guy, with some pretty happening abilities.  Love that
> see-all know-all thing, it is like canned energy, man!  But I gotta tell
> you, man, you really aren't taking full advantage of your talents.
>
> Look, the way I see it, people ask you questions and you give them wacky
> cosmic answers, right?  And what do you get out of it?  Nothing!  Oh,
> sure, you tell them that they owe you various objects and services, but
> shit, they never pay!  Am I right?  Of course I am!  So give a listen
> and I'll lay on you a way you can make some serious moola!  Are you
> ready?
>
> Endorsements!  Yeah, baby, what with this see-all, know-all bit, you're
> the perfect guy to endorse products!  Who wouldn't trust a dude who
> knows everything?  Look, here's a sample script for one of my clients,
> Mr.  Itchy's Corn Chips:
>
> [Scene:  Oracle in traditional dress, holds a bag of product]
>
> Oracle:  Being the Oracle, I know all that is, all that was, all that
> will be.  And I know that there isn't, there never was, and there never
> will be a snack as wholesome and satisfying as Mr.  Itchy's Corn Chips.
>
> [Takes a chip out.  Eats it.]
>
> Oracle:  Mmm-mm.  No better taste in all of creation.
>
> So what do you say, Oracle-baby?  Get ahold of me at
> jpfuttb@scum.futtbuck.com and we'll talk some business.  I'll have you
> rolling in the green stuff before you can say "You owe the Oracle a
> chance to tell you how grateful he is."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mortal, thou hast insulted the Oracle more greatly than thou canst know.
} (Hey, the Oracle only talks archaic-style when It's livid with anger.)
} The Oracle does not prostitute Itself for earthly gain.  (Besides,
} knowing everything, It is more fabulously wealthy than thou canst
} imagine.)
}
} The Oracle has friends.  Good friends in low places, friends who owe It
} favors.  Especially it has a friend in your town, named Luigi, who is
} very persuasive himself.  He has a way with oily businessmen.  Your
} place of business is...well, that would be telling.


130-02    (134a1 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> THIRTEEN YEARS OF WORK COMPLETED!!!!!!
>
> I have done it!!!  Hundreds of runs of computer simulations, countless
> sujects of study, measurements of strength, weight, observations in
> natural habitats, endless research, and it is finished!
>
> I knew that you would want to be the first to know so I'm telling you
> even before my results have been published.
>
> According to all my computer calculations:
>
>    THE AVERAGE WOODCHUCK, IF IT COULD CHUCK WOOD, WOULD CHUCK 48.4532
> POUNDS OF WOOD EACH DAY.
>
> What a release, to finally tell somebody.  Now you can tell everyone who
> ever asks you that question what the answer is.  My next project is more
> complicated.  I have to study the social behavior of woodchucks to see
> how they work together.  I want to find out how much wood two woodchucks
> would chuck if the two woodchucks could chuck wood.  If they have a
> strong sense of competition, they may together chuck more wood than two
> average woodchucks would alone.  If they don't like to do things in each
> others' presences, they may chuck less wood that two average woodchucks
> would alone, etc.  You see the importance of this, of course.  Well, off
> to work!  My duty to humanity calls.  I'll keep you posted.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I knew that!  I was just sick of telling everyone!  I mean, if all you
} had to do each day was tell people how much wood a woodchuck could chuck
} if a woodchuck could chuck wood, then you would get sick of it too.
} Since you put forth so much time and effort to come up with your OWN
} answer to this question, (and came remarkably close) I will tell you
} that if you continue your studies you will find that the amount of wood
} two woodchucks could chuck together if woodchucks could chuck wood is
} going to very depending on the sex of the woodchucks.  For two females
} (where !w = wood) the formula comes close to:  !w=2w/1.32 this is about
} 3/4 of what the result would be if doubled, allowing for the fact that
} females tend to gossip a bit.  For two males, on the other hand, the
} formula is more like !w=2w*1.32 this follows that males usually try to
} outdo each other to maintain their macho image, and attract the females
} by being better than each other.  For a male and a female the formula is
} more like:  !w=w-w*.32 or just a bit over half of what one woodchuck
} would normally produce.  This is due to the nature of woodchucks to have
} sex when paired up, with time out for some postcoital exhaustion, and
} foreplay.  Then they realize that they are running out of time and kick
} ass, but it just doesn't happen soon enough.  I do not want to do all of
} your research, so I will leave you to come up with the figures for queer
} woodchucks, drug using woodchucks, and senior-citizen woodchucks.  Have
} fun in the rat race.
}
} You owe the Oracle some wood chips for the trees in the temple.


130-03    (15463 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What breakfast cereal has the most powerful laxative effect?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In order to gain the truthful answer to your question, the Oracle
} consulted the net.regularity.god, who, for obvious reasons, asked to
} have his name withheld.  (Hey, don't laugh at the poor schlep!  Not all
} of us get to be cool things like Oracles or sex.goddesses or pasta.gods.
} If you think he feels foolish, how do you think the
} net.bladder_control.goddess feels?)
}
} There are three answers to your question:
}
} 1.  The cereal currently in existance with the most powerful laxative
} effect is just now being test-marketed.  It is called Kellogg's Prune
} Bran.  This needs no further explanation.
}
} 2.  The most powerful laxative cereal in human history never got beyond
} the laboratory.  It was called Kellogg's Rectum Rush, and it was
} identical to Prune Bran except that the flakes were coated with
} concentrated Ex-Lax.
}
} 3.  The most powerful laxative cereal in creation existed about 500,000
} years ago to the Plurglgulp People of Wixlefart.  This consisted of
} dried leaves from the fisslepiff tree, which, when eaten with milk,
} caused a outrush of solid waste so intense it generally launched the
} victim fifty feet into the air.  The government quickly banned the
} cereal, but it thrived on the black market as a sex aid.
}
} These answers assume that you are humanoid.  If you are a snail, the
} answer is, of course, salt.
}
} You owe the Oracle something to think about other than taking a dump.


130-04    (01585 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does it feel like you're so far away on from Friday on Wednesday?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually you have stumbled upon one of the secrets of the universe so
} recondite that even Prof Stephen Hawking has not noticed yet.  This
} effect occurs because the days of the week are logarithmically
} distributed, not linearly.  The 168 hours of a week map onto the days
} roughly as follows:
}
} Monday                        Wednesday         Fri      Sun
} |                             |                 |        |
} |----------------|------------|---------|-------|-----|--|--|
}                  |                      |             |
}                  Tuesday                Thursday      Saturday
}
} Clocks have elliptic gear-wheels in them, so you don't normally notice.


130-05    (016a2 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  In the end of the first epic of "Olaf De Gumblepuddy", the hero finds
> an enchanted sock by playing a trick on the magic pig.  He confounds the
> jeweled swine by wrapping himself in sausage links and claiming that
> they are the intestines of his vanquished enemy.  The pig becomes
> terrified and prematurely reveals the location of the sock.  Olaf can
> now begin the long trek home to his beloved Buttswella.
>
>  This tale is characteristic of its twentieth century counterpart in
> political pubescent mythology.  In current times, Olaf is seen as Ronald
> R..  The association of the former president wrapping himself in, what
> is as believable as swine parts, in order to deceive the press is most
> poignant.  The modern press is, of course, seen here as the porcine
> archetype.  The pig becomes frightened and reveals his secret, only to
> find that the "key" to economic recovery is as viable as a crusty gym
> sock.
>
>  In the second part to the "Trilogic De Gumblepuddy" Olaf returns home
> to his beloved Buttswella and finds his club footed son Djork running
> the family farm.  Djork is seen in the story as Ronald R's predecessor
> George Bush.  The easiest parallel between Bush and Djork is seen in the
> boy's affable nature, juxtaposed by his offensive smell.  Djork, like
> Bush, is loved by everyone yet his odor betrays his true lack of
> personal conviction.
>
>  Pardon me?  This ISN'T Political Pubescent Mythology 222 ?  Damn !
> Where the hell is my final exam going to be ?  Not for two more weeks,
> whew ?  Hey, thanks for catching me, Bud.  I would have spent the next
> hour writing all this BS down.  Say, did you ever have to take a bunch
> of stupid courses just to get a friggin degree?
>
>  Tom Bummbleshoot
>  Barker Hall
>  Cramps Junior College

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, the Oracle was forced to sit through long stupid courses in order
} to obtain his degree.  How do you think Oracles are created?  They don't
} just give questions to anyone who asks one, you know.
}
} I attended the Oracular University, located in the lovely Fifth
} Alternate Plane of Reality (just across from the McDonald's).  The
} standard amount of time to obtain an OS (Oracular Science) degree is
} 5,000 years, but due to my highly efficient AI programming, I managed to
} complete it in 5,000 seconds.  Along the way I had to take the following
} core courses:
}
} Foresight 101, 234, 341
} Hindsight 102, 235, 342
} Knowing Everything 105, 240, 343
} Omnipotence 107, 250, 345
} Hobnobbing with Other Omnipotent Beings 108, 252, 346
}
} I also had to take the following seminars:
}
} How to Know-All and See-All and Yet Not Be Insufferably Smug
} Being Witty at All Costs
} The Reason for Being an Oracle : LISA!
} Dealing with Jerks Who Don't Seem to Understand that the Oracle Is
}      the Star of the Show and that the Answer, not the Question, Is
}      Supposed To Be the Funny Part
}
} And last, but not least, two phys-ed courses.  Everyone has to take
} those.  The Oracle took Archery and Badminton.  I'm no dummy.
}
} By the way, you would have flunked that paper.  You forgot the most
} touching character in the epic, Bjutthead the Moron Farmhand,
} representing Dan Quayle.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Cliff's Notes for the UNIX manual.


130-06    (15454 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will you be my one twue wuv?  Will you wuv me until our wuv extingwishes
> the vewy staws?  Oh, will you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, I'm sorry, Elmer, I can never love you.  I can't stand your cruelty
} to animals.  Trying to shoot poor Bugs and Daffy like that!  And LOSING!
} I'm going out with Yosemite Sam.  He can whip you any day!


130-07    (32860 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Oh mighty Oracle, whose greatness I am not worthy of thinking about,
> I have a problem.
>    My girlfriend lives in California, and I go to school in Connecticut.
> She is going to be in Washington DC next weekend, and I am considering
> going there to visit her, but I don't know what she is doing, or if she
> will have time to see me, and furthermore it will be a real hassle to
> get down there, especially when I'm going home for Spring Break two
> weeks later and I will certainly see her then, so I am in a quandary.
>    My question is thus:  How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a
> wood chuck could chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not funny, boyo.  The Oracle is going to talk to Its powerful friends
} and have them do something about you.  How'd you like to be closer to
} your girlfriend?  Well, she has a next-door neighbor who's been a
} naughty girl and has sent the Oracle lots of stupid questions.  The
} Oracle's friends are quite capable of putting your self in her body, and
} vice versa...  okay, just bluffing...yes, it could happen, but it's too
} big a favor and the Oracle's friends would demand too much in return.
} Damn.
}
} Anyhow, a woodchuck could chuck about a cord and a half of seasoned
} (oregano and cayenne) firewood a day.


130-08    (2033b dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most omniscient Oracle, whose aura of mystification encompasses the
> entire galaxy, please ponder for me this question:
>
> Where do razor blades go after they have been committed to that little
> slot in motel bathrooms?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Razor blades?  Gee, I dunno.  Hang on a second ...
}
} % grep razor /usr/lib/galaxy
} grazor: sheep (q.v.)
} razoring: sheep shearing
} grazoring: razoring^C
}
} Nothing ... hang on ...
}
} % grep blades /usr/lib/galaxy
}
} sword: 342 Maple Drive, Cleveland, OH  Earth
} sword: 2156 Kaye Neva Lane, Saint Albans, WV  Earth
} knife: 838 Observatory Drive, Akron, OH  Earth^C
}
} Dammit, this is not what I want.  God, these searches take so long!
}
} > Message from GOD!ucbvax on ttyp3 at 22:23 ...
} >
} > Oracle, I've written a faster version of the galaxy search ... I'm
} > putting it in your home directory now ...
} >
} > Oracle, try: "reallymuchfastergrep razor-blades-final-location
} >               /etc/lib/galaxy"
}
} Thanks, God ...
}
} %reallymuchfastergrep razor-blades-final-location /etc/lib/galaxy
} razor-blades-final-location: Indifferent
}
} Huh?  Try that again ...
}
} %reallymuchfastergrep razor-blades-final-location /etc/lib/galaxy
} razor-blades-final-location: Who cares
}
} Dammit!
}
} %reallymuchfastergrep razor-blades-final-location /etc/lib/galaxy
} razor-blades-final-location: I don't care and neither do you
}
} Look, I seem to be having technical difficulties over here with the
} reallymuchfastergrep program.  Just keep your pants on, I'll be with
} you in a moment.
}
} %fight reallymuchfastergrep
}
} > FIGHT V3.2
} > PLEASE ENTER A SEED VALUE?
}
} nasturtiums
}
} > CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON?
}
} razor blade
}
} > I DON'T RECOGNIZE "razor blade".  KEY H FOR HELP?
}
} key h
}
} > NO I DIDN'T MEAN TYPE "KEY H." JUST TYPE H?
}
} h?
}
} > CLOSE ENOUGH ORACLE
} > PLEASE CHOOSE
} > 1. SWORD
} > 2. EGGPLANT
} > 3. VITUPERATION
}
} vituperation
}
} > NOT YET!  WAIT UNTIL I ASK YOU!
} > CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON?
}
} vituparetion
}
} > YOU MISSPELLED IT!  SPELL IT RIGHT OR YOU CAN'T USE IT!
}
} vituperation
} commment "I am beginning to detest all programs except myself."
}
} > I HEARD THAT
}
} > REALLYMUCHFASTERGREP IS 200 YDS AWAY
} > REALLYMUCHFASTERGREP IS HOLDING: AN EGGPLANT
} >
} > ACTION?
}
} sure
}
} > PLEASE ENTER YES OR NO
}
} y
}
} > PLEASE ENTER YES OR NO YOU SO-CALLED INTELLIGENT SOFTWARE
}
} yes
}
} > REALLYMUCHFASTERGREP IS HIT
} > REALLYMUCHFASTERGREP IS SORT OF ANNOYED
} > REALLYMUCHFASTERGREP DECIDES TO THROW EGGPLANT
} > REALLYMUCHFASTERGREP MISSED BY 3 YDS
} > ACTION?
}
} vituperate
}
} > ORACLE VITUPERATES
} > ORACLE COMMENTS ON USER-UNFRIENDLY ASPECTS OF REALLYMUCHFASTERGREP
} > REALLYMUCHFASTERGREP IS UPSET
} > REALLYMUCHFASTERGREP DECIDES TO THROW EGGPLANT
} > REALLYMUCHFASTERGREP HAS ALREADY THROWN EGGPLANT
} > REALLYMUCHFASTERGREP IS VERY CONFUSED
} > ACTION?
}
} beat the sh*t out of reallymuchfastergrep
}
} > WHAT?
}
} Beat the sh*t out of reallymuchfastergrep!
}
} > BEAT THE WHAT OUT OF HIM?
}
} The sh*t!  The sh*t!
}
} > I DON'T RECOGNIZE THE COMMAND "sh*t", SHITHEAD.  KEY H FOR HELP?
}
} Beat the shit out of him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
}
} > ORACLE DECIDES TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF REALLYMUCHFASTERGREP
} > ORACLE BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF REALLYMUCHFASTERGREP
} > REALLYMUCHFASTERGREP ABORTS WITH A SHIT-BEAT-OUT ERROR
} >
} > ORACLE: 1      REALLYMUCHFASTERGREP: 0
} > PLAY AGAIN?
}
} no
}
} > PLEASE ENTER YES OR NO
}
} I just did!
}
} > I KNOW BUT YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY
}
} ^C
}
} Ah!  Nothing like beating the sh*t out of a smaller and more meager
} application.  What were you asking me about?  Razor blades?  Oh, my
} ... I've just beaten the shit out of the new galaxy-search utility ...
}
} > Message from GOD!ucbvax on ttyp3 at 23:32 ...
} >
} > Oracle?  Why is my new reallymuchfastergrep program down to 3 bytes
} > long?
}
} Oh, gee, Lord, I don't know ...
}
} > Have you been beating the shit out of my applications again?
}
} Look, Lord, this guy just wanted to know about where razor blades go,
} and your program was giving me a hard time, so^Z
} Stopped
}
} % jobs
} [1]   + Stopped               oracle
}
} % wrath < god > oracle
} wrath: working
} wrath: completed
}
} % jobs
} [1/2] + Pained                oracle
}
} % wrath < god > oracle
} wrath: working
} oracle: ouch ouch ouch oh no ouch
} wrath: completed
}
} % jobs
} [1/4] + Agonized              oracle
}
} % forgive < god > oracle
} forgive: working
} forgive: completed
}
} % jobs
} [1]   + Relaxed               oracle
}
} % %1
}
} AH! Hmmm, me again.  Look, I know your razor blades question is
} important.  I'll solve it somehow.  Hey, let me dial up the Close
} Shave BBS in Sandusky.
}
} atdt18593254234
}
} > "We're sorry.  You have reached a number that has been disconnected or
} > is no longer in <CLICK>
}
} atdt9,18593254234
}
} (You gotta dial a 9 to get out of the core, I forgot)
}
} > CLOSE SHAVE BBS
} > USERNAME:
}
} oracle
}
} > PASSWORD (DOTS ECHO):
}
} ........................................................................
}
} > GEE WHAT A LONG PASSWORD ORACLE
} >
} > MAIN MENU
} >
} > 1) ANSWER BOARD
} > 2) QUESTION BOARD
} > 3) FIGHT BOARD
} > 4) DOWNLOADS
} > 5) UPLOADS
} > 6) SIDELOADS
} >
} > ACTION?
}
} Wait a second!  I know that prompt!
}
} > PLEASE ENTER YES OR NO
}
} logout
}
} > PLEASE ENTER YES OR NO!  HA HA HA!
}
} <ESC>
}
} > THERE IS NO ESCAPE!
}
} ^C
}
} > LOOK.  I'M IN CONTROL, C?
}
} ^Z
}
} > THERE IS NO STOPPING ME!
}
} For Oracle's sake, have pity on me!  I just wanted to find out the
} answer to this guy's ques
}
} > FIGHT V3.2
} >
} > ONE-PLAYER MODE
} >
} > CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON?
}
} No! HELP!!!!
}
} > I DON'T RECOGNIZE YOUR PLEAS FOR MERCY
} > FIGHT CHOOSES ALL WEAPONS AT ONCE
} > FIGHT ATTACKS ORACLE MERCILESSLY
} > FIGHT DEMANDS THAT ORACLE NEVER USE ^C AGAIN
} > FIGHT YELLS LOUDLY
} > FIGHT IS 2 YDS AWAY
} > FIGHT DOES NOT ALLOW ORACLE ITS TURN
} > FIGHT GETS MADDER
} > FIGHT GETS MADDER
} > FIGHT GETS MADD
} Segmentation fault (core dumped)
}
} ARGH!  Oh ... ahh .... uh .... hmmm .... you know ... this has been
} sort of a crazy day at the office ... can you ask me again tomorrow
} ... I know the razors are important ... the day's been hell ... please
} give the Oracle a break ... can't you just look up the answer in an
} encyclopedia or something ... I gotta get a rest ... you owe the
} oracle a box of Band-Aids ... just let me sleep ...


130-09    (46522 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> They say that a chimera has eight hit dice.  Is this right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello Happy Campers!!
}       The real Oracle is out with a virus. I'm subbing for it. Allow
} me to introduce myself; I'm a student at the Oracle Learning College.
}       Now to answer your question. Lemme see, chimera, chimera.....
} OH YES, here it is, Chapter 12 in Thulutew's Guide To All Creatures,
} Mythical And Non Mythical.
}       Okay, Chapter 12, page 110924, 110925, 110926, oops! That
} was covered in the class I bunked! Uhhh, sorry folks, I goofed. I
} guess that's the end of the line for me huh? <sob>
}       Stephen Kinzler, another chance, gimme another chance!!
} .
} .
} .
} .
} .
}       Hey, know anyone who's looking for an Oracle? I work real
} cheap, and I don't take any vacations. If you do, send mail to
} out-of-work-oracle@iuvax.indiana.edu


130-10    (23941 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My girlfriend wants to be Marilyn Monroe.  She's learned her voice and
> her walk and her mannerisms.  She dyes her hair blonde, and she's
> scrounging money for breast implants and extensive plastic surgery to
> her face.  Already she's making money as an impersonator, and I like the
> way she's become, but I heard about a girl in England who did this and
> ended up killing herself in the same way the original Marilyn did.
> Should I try to stop her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm.  This is interesting.  I shall have to take a journey to the Halls
} of Every Damn Bit of Knowledge That Anyone Could Know But Can't Since
} Man Has Gone Too F**king Slow to Discover It So That He Only Knows a
} Laughingly Puny Subset of Such Knowledge.
}
} The Halls are deserted.  The books are dusty.  (Cough!) The air about
} this place is all filthy and hard to see through.  It reminds me of Los
} Angeles.
}
} The Index to the Encyclopedia of Every Damn Bit of Knowledge et al
} (Volume 7,912,835,491,256,374,801,928,534,812,387,409,215,385,742,315)
} shows this entry:
}
} > Monroe, Marilyn: vol.
} > 3,786,490,324,765,078,236,457,637,641,276,578,612,-
} >     675,412,307, p. 2,938,764.
} >   . . .
} > imitation of: vol. 379,692,534,253,954,912,367,846,357,601,236,482,-
} >     534,537,542, p. 923,764.
}
} Under "imitation of" we find this article:
}
} > BOGUSBLONDHAIRIMITAITSAMARIMUNRISM (bo'gus blonde hair im'itates a
} > Mari' Mon'rism) is a disorder caused by the desire to become Marilyn
} > Monroe. See the Encyclopedia of Every Damn Bit of Psychology Know-
} > ledge That Any Psychologist Could Know But Can't Since Man Is So
} > Screwed That He Can't Even Figure Himself Out, under the article
} > "bogusblondhairimitaitsamarimunrism," for more details.
}
} In the Encyclopedia of ... Psychology Knowledge et al:
}
} > . . . characterized by the following symptoms:
} >
} >   1. Voice strikingly similar to Marilyn Monroe's.
} >   2. Mannerism strikingly similar to Marilyn Monroe's.
} >   3. Hair strikingly similar to Marilyn Monroe's.
} >   4. Facial features strikingly similar to Marilyn Monroe's.
} >   5. Breasts strikingly similar to Marilyn Monroe's.*
} >   6. Sex strikingly similar to Marilyn Monroe's.+
} >
} >   * Can be determined by qualified doctor or boyfriend.
} >   + Can be determined by people such as JFK.
} >
} > Bogusblondhairimitaitsamarimunrism is dangerous.  It can lead to
} > death.
}
} "Hell!" I screamed.  "Is that all you can tell me about it?!" Then I
} read the next sentence:
}
} > Yes, Oracle, that's all I can say, and you really should watch your
} > language and keep your stress level down.
}
} "But I have so many questions to answer," I said to the Encyclopedia.
}
} > I know, but you really should take a vacation for a while.  Let this
} > question rest for a few days.
}
} "But you said this disorder can cause death!  I've gotta get this
} message back to this guy pronto!"
}
} > Alright, suit yourself.
}
} You owe the Oracle a six-month supply of Valium.


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