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Internet Oracularities #1300

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Internet Oracularities #1300    (59 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 20 Dec 2002 16:00:22 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1300
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1300  59 votes 3hob4 5fl99 36ok6 1bkfc 4ila6 19gje 1jkd6 6goa3 3hmc5 6ckba
1300  3.1 mean  2.9   3.0   3.3   3.4   2.9   3.6   3.1   2.8   3.0   3.1


1300-01    (3hob4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> THERE ARE PLENTY OF BUSINESSES LIKE SHOW BUSINESS
> THERE ARE PLENTY OF BUSINESSES LIKE SHOW BUSINESS
> THERE ARE PLENTY OF BUSINESSES LIKE SHOW BUSINESS
> THERE ARE PLENTY OF BUSINESSES LIKE SHOW BUSINESS

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There, there, lads. No need to feel bitter. Siamese quadruplets may
} have made big bucks back in the days of vaudeville, but now you have to
} destroy the universe twice to get an audience to blink. What you need
} is something the yokels haven't seen before. Hmm ...
}
} Wait -- I know! Maybe if you had the separation surgery *onstage* ...
} no, that would only work once. You need something with some longevity
} to it. Hmm ...
}
} Hey, what if you went under the knife, (assuming you could find a
} doctor with a REALLY WIDE operating table) and then velcroed yourselves
} back together? Then you could do the conjoined thing for your opening
} number, *RRRRRRRIP* apart for the first act finale, and then come back
} together for your curtain call! This has potential; I know it. You guys
} got an agent already?
}
} You owe the Oracle a barbershop quartet rendition of "Stuck in the
} middle with you."


1300-02    (5fl99 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, my one and true knowledge master thingy,
>
> When are the Europeans going to pay us back for rebuilding Europe
> after WW2?  Will we get the interest as well?  Please hurry, we need to
> get rid of this deficit.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Soon as we pay them back for the capital we used to kick out the
} original inhabitants and set up our own operation. I'd say that
} converting what we owe them from 1776 dollars to 2002 dollars, and
} adding on two hundred and twenty six years' interest, would make their
} "debt" to us look like pennies in a lint trap.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lick of common sense. Try borrowing one from a
} friend.


1300-03    (36ok6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> RFC #3305922AF
>
> Suggesting immediate implementation of the following commands:
>
> baskme
> taskme
> flaskme
> caskme
> maskme

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Suggesting" an "immediate implementation", eh? And without any
} definition of the commands fuctions? Well, how about I outline
} what they should do, and then you go code them up? Running code
} is ever so much more persuasive to programmers.
}
}     baskme
}
}       The user is seized (with reasonable force), stripped of
}       all clothing, and laid out in the sun. The user will be
}       released after the first of these conditions is met:
}
}       1) Body temperature goes up two degrees fahrenheit
}          (typically due to tropical conditions)
}       2) Skin color gets two shades darker, or one shade
}          redder (normal basking)
}       3) The user is exposed to four consecutive hours of
}          sunlight without meeting the conditions of 1 or 2
}          (this might happen in the polar regions where the
}          sunlight is weaker)
}
}     taskme
}
}       The user is assigned a minimum of one hour busy work.
}       Each additional use of the command within a one week
}       period can double the amount of busy work, up to a
}       maximum of thirty-two hours.
}
}     flaskme
}
}       The user is liquified, distilled, and the evaporate
}       condensed and stored in eight ounce capacity pocket
}       flasks (as many as needed).
}
}     caskme
}
}       Similar to flaskme, but the storage is in casks of
}       one barrel (fourty-two gallon) capacity (as many as
}       needed).
}
}     maskme
}
}       A lovely maiden is summoned to the user's location. The
}       maiden provides a reclining chair for the user, applies
}       a soothing mud face mask, and waits hand and foot upon
}       the user for the duration of the mask setting period
}       (not to be less than one hour). The maid then strips
}       and uses her clothes to wipe the mask off.
}
} You owe the Oracle an early implementation of the maskme command.


1300-04    (1bkfc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> No! The scoring system is all wrong! You should get one point if
> you make it to first base, two for second and so on...
>
> And home-runs should count for 6 points.
>
> Yeah! Yeah! And no more of this umpires decide who's out nonsense.
> The players on the field at the time of the play will vote!
>
> Umpires should have a new duty. If you strike out the umpires should
> give you a hug and explain to you in detail what you did wrong.
>
> And there are too many innings. I get bored. I say no more than
> four per game.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kids these days... you should appreciate that you can even get to first
} base on the first date.  Umpires would just add insult to injury;  I
} understand that being told what you did wrong is supposed to help you
} score the next time you're up to bat, but really it can get depressing.
}
} If you're getting bored, try innings and outings (and innings and
} outings); four plays is a good idea, but if it's done right you might
} want more than just four.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything; Lisa already hits it out of the
} ballpark everytime with me, so I'm just peachy.


1300-05    (4ila6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O punctual Oracle,
>
> Ready or not, here I come!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} But I'm not ready! Time for the Martha Stewart marines!!
}
} I don't know but I've been told
} daisy napkins hold their fold!
} Martha Stewarts in the know
} tea light candles have a glow!
}
} Okay men, I need table settings here, here and here! Bring in
} supporting cutlery along both lines and we're going to need
} comforting light sources coming from the east!! Now move,
} you half baked quiches!!!
}
} You owe the Oracle just a few more seconds.


1300-06    (19gje dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> No questions today, the static electricity routing is acting up...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In that case, I hope I won't be charged.


1300-07    (1jkd6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, please enlighten me:
>
> Is it true that Britney Spears, except for being a singer, is also an
> expert in semiconductor physics?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Um What? Britney Spears is a singer???
} Oh, wait, I think you have her confused with someone else.  You see,
} a search of the directory reveals that there are approximately
} a half dozen Britney Spears in the US.  And yes, one of them, who
} prefers to be called, "Brit", is an expert in semiconductor physics.
} Of course the Britney Spears YOU are thinking of is only an expert in
} a different type of silicon, um, well, I can't elaborate here, but you
} know what I mean.  You owe the Oracle a music video of Britney Spears.
} Without the sound. It's not the singing ya'll are watching.


1300-08    (6goa3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The finest sage to ever rob Davy Jones locker, the only person who
> knows the latitude and longitude of the four corners of the earth,
> everyone's first choice to name which are THE seven seas, answer
> please this simple question: What should you do with a drunken sailor
> who can't get up in the morning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Heave him by the leg with a running bowline.
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of instructions for tying a
} bowline that does not involve rabbits and that even the
} most bumble-fingered landlubber cannot get wrong.  (The
} Oracle can tie a bowline.  It's his supplicants, along
} with just about everyone else, who cannot.)


1300-09    (3hmc5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and wise Oracle whose modem I am not worthy of even glimpsing
> at,
>
> Why is my cable modem suddenly getting such terrible speeds?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's one of the following reasons:
}
} a) Someone is watching high definition TV and hogging the cable. Cure:
}    Hide the remote.
}
} b) It doesn't like you anymore. Cure: Take it to dinner and a movie, or
}    better, dinner and a late-night cable modem movie.
}
} c) It's not plugged in. Cure: No duh.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sign that says "SPEED LIMIT: 56.6 kbps".


1300-10    (6ckba dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Is Life about who we are or who we might be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, it's just a magazine about pop culture.


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