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Internet Oracularities #1301

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1301, 1301-01, 1301-02, 1301-03, 1301-04, 1301-05, 1301-06, 1301-07, 1301-08, 1301-09, 1301-10


Internet Oracularities #1301    (64 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 29 Dec 2002 21:48:00 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1301
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1301  64 votes 5cjhb 49ene 6hje8 6bqg5 8gr67 7dkh7 59gke 7bhfe 6lnb3 4aqea
1301  3.1 mean  3.3   3.5   3.0   3.0   2.8   3.1   3.5   3.3   2.8   3.2


1301-01    (5cjhb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Where is the giant she spider?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know, I know. You pay good money to have one of your fantasies acted
} out: you get your hopes up, you built your own simulation waterspout,
} you install giant showerheads to make the rain to wash the spider
} out, you blow your life savings on sun lamps to dry up all the rain,
} you search and search and search until you find an enterprising
} young lass who's talented enough to be BELIEVABLE as the spider,
} everything's ready to go ...
}
} ... and she's a no-show. All that work for nothing.
}
} I hate to tell you, but as soon as you paid her, she hopped on the bus
} with the wheels that go round and round, the driver that says "move
} on back," and the wipers that go "swish swish swish." She hopped on
} the bus, Gus, with no need to discuss much; she's dropped off the key,
} Lee, and gotten herself free.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Fisher-Price music box that plays "You shook me
} all night long."


1301-02    (49ene dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
> a Lawyer, a Social Worker, and a Catholic Priest
> are on a boat with 200 school-children when it starts to sink......

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Excellent.  Keep up the good work.


1301-03    (6hje8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise,
>
> Is it true no two cows have the same udder prints?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One moment...
}
} *frisk* *pat* *slap* MOOOO! *WHACK* AIEEEEEE!
}
} The answer is: No.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new pair of eyeglasses.


1301-04    (6bqg5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does Tim Chew _want_ his hair to look like that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is afraid he does. . .
}
}     //\.= Ten Horrifying Facts About Tim's Hair =./\\
}
} 10) Weird whooping sound his hair makes when wind blows
}     through it has got him banned from open air buses
}     in all of greater metropolitan London.
}
} 09) Small children tired of being threaten with "Undead
}     Chew-hair-do" if they don't take a nap.
}
} 08) Others in lines at Airport Security end up hating Tim
}     Chew since he is always waved through since guards
}     can clearly see he's never had access to a pair of
}     scissors or any even remotely sharp personal grooming
}     tool of any kind. Ever.
}
} 07) Amorous squirrels keep latching on to it and leaving
}     traces of nuts on his shoulders
}
} 06) Jim Traficant and David Letterman have sworn a blood
}     oath to kill Chew for having knocked them off of The
}     Top Ten list of Owners of Worst Hairlike Items.
}
} 05) Beauty Salons unauthorized use of a picture of his
}     head for the "Before" picture reaches epidemic
}     proportions and he has yet to get even a complimentary
}     tube of gel, let alone any monetary compensation
}
} 04) Tim's one chance for stardom ruined when his role
}     as the Gorgon Knot in the upcoming "Life of Alexander
}     the Great" is nixed when his hair gets its own agent
}     who so grandly antagonizes the producers they decide
}     to use CGI graphics for the Knot instead
}
} 03) Already has 79,000 years of bad luck due to broken
}     mirrors to date.
}
} 02) Tim tired of being mistaken for cheese mold & turned
}     back at Borders of Wisconsin by Dairy Officials.
}
} 01) Tim has a twin brother.
}
} You owe the Oracle a weed whacker.


1301-05    (8gr67 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Earwax?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No thanks, I'm trying to give it up.
}
} You owe The Oracle some ear-wax skin-patches.


1301-06    (7dkh7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All hail the all-knowing Oracle.  Your infinite patience in
> answering the questions of mere mortals is a service
> to the entire universe (because all the other dieties are
> tired of us).
>
> As you well know, the local generic soft-drink maker,
> A-Treat, has a wonderful frosty Cream soda.  Why did they
> make it red?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} NEW EXCITING
}
} Attention All Goths
}
} Have you been craving a spooky beverage to accompany your spooky
} visage? Now you can have one with A-Treat's Latest Fabulous Creation.
}
} ***********************************
}       CREAM FLAVORED BLOOD.
} ***********************************
}
}   MMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!
}
} Amaze your Friends...Astound your Neighbors.
}
} It foams and spurts like really blood.
} Wow Look at the realistic Clots in the foam!!!
}
} It Tastes like Cream...Yummy!!!!
}
} No need to cover it, an airtight scab forms on top after several hours.
} Just pick the protective scab and shake and serve.
}
} Limited time offer...buy a 12-pack get a free Eye-liner Pencil.
} Buy a Case get a 15mm Surgical Steel Post with Flourescent Green Ends.
} Cool!!!
}
} Disclaimer: This product is not made with HUMAN blood.  This product
} will not aide Anemics or others suffering from blood diseases.  Not to
} be used for transfusions.  Maybe used in Blood Sausage and Blood/Black
} Pudding. Those with congestive heart problems should avoid this
} product.
}
} Best Served Chilled.


1301-07    (59gke dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ORACLE, MOST TYPOGRAPHICAL
>
> WHAT ARE THESE "LOWER CASE LETTERS" I KEEP HEARING ABOUT?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're too full of shift to understand.


1301-08    (7bhfe dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle of the Ages,
>
> Why is Nethack so difficult?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > i
}
} A Drawing of Linus   -- Magical
} A FUBAR Windows Disc -- Corrupted
} A Double Headed Axe
} A Book of Charms
} A Vague Recollection of Talking to The Oracle
}
} > w
}
} You stumble out into a huge, brightly lit room with a horizon
} spanning blue roof. A giant yellow light bears down on your
} pasty white skin. People are everywhere. A young man on
} a skateboard is barreling down on you, he hits you and you
} spin about trying to maintain your balance.
}
} "Outta the way geek!", he yells at you.
}
} > consult Charm Book
}
} "Outta the way geek" is not in  Book of Charms
}
} > e
}
} You enter a park, people are walking about enjoying the day.
} Couples sit hand in hand on benches, children are cavorting
} nosily on play equipment, senior citizens are reading or
} feeding the ducks on the pond. A Frisbee bonks you on the
} head. A young lady runs up, she's dressed in a very tight
} tube top and tiny shorts.
}
} "Sorry," she says as she bends down before you to retrieve
} her frisbee.
}
} > give drawing to girl
}
} You hand the magical drawing of Linus to the girl. She
} looks at it, and then you quizzically.
}
} "Erm, thanks, I guess," she says. "Want to play frisbee?"
}
} > throw disc
}
} Your Windows FUBAR Corrupt Disc flies across the park and
} splashes into the pond scaring away the ducks. An old man
} turns your way and gives you the finger.
}
} > talk girl
}
} The girl has left.
}
} > n
}
} You walk into the play area. Children stare at you.
}
} > give apple child
}
} "MOMMY!" screams the child as it runs away to the north.
}
} > s;s;s;s;s;s;s;s;s;s;s;s;s;s
}
} You run south a great distance. You are now in:
}
} An alley full of grimy trash cans and rats behind a greasy
} spoon restaurant. A pair of thugs are there.
}
} > use axe
}
} You menace the thugs with your double headed axe.
}
} "Chill dude," says one thug. He hikes his shirt to
} reveal a cheap handgun in his belt.
}
} "Put that away fool," says the other thug, "Someone
} goin' to see you wavin' that thing about an' call the
} man. So Conan, you here to score some smack or what?"
}
} > w
}
} You walk into a wall and drop your axe. The thugs
} laughter is cut short as sirens are heard. The thugs
} scramble over a fence to the south as a patrol car,
} lights a blazing pulls into the alley.
}
} > e
}
} You pull on the back door to the greasy spoon restaurant.
} It is locked.
}
} "Stay away from that axe" barks the cop.
}
} > q
}
} You can't quit.
}
} > save
}
} You can't be saved.
}
} > s
}
} You start to scale the fence to the south, the cop
} grabs you by the collar and slams you to the ground.
} Handcuffs snap on to your wrists.
}
} > ?
}
} You are in REAL MODE. No help is available. . .
}
}    ------------------------------------
} You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of "WATT".


1301-09    (6lnb3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  O wisest Oracle!  Your wisdom is unparalleled and unperpendiculared!
>  Please answer for me this infinitesimally small question:
>
>  Why does the mouse bounce?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Flubber mouse pads proved to be a dismal failure.


1301-10    (4aqea dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Keenly perceptive Oracle who has just reached 7000
> light-years on his mouse odometer,
>
> Why are some people afraid of computers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > Keenly perceptive Oracle who has just reached 7000
} > light-years on his mouse odometer,
}
} Bah, a GUI causes brain rot; I've only ever used voice input and
} character prompts, even back in the days of stone tables TTYs.
}
} > Why are some people afraid of computers?
}
} In short, people are afraid of things they don't know the capacity nor
} limits of, and doubly so of entities they can't communicate clearly
} with.
}
} People know computers are obedient without any common sense, and
} computers have tireless endurance in manipulating data.  So to give a
} computer a command, the computer could perform this act thousands or
} millions of times before the error is noticed.
}
} The chance of an error occurring is compounded when you consider that
} communicating your requests to computers still still not an easy task.
} Consider these straightforward examples:
}
} CUSTOMER: "Do you have one of those things that looks like an
} upside-down plunger but it's made of glass?"
}
} FATHER: "Bring my daughter back at a reasonable hour, young man."
}
} GIRL: "Orrie, give up on answering questions already and come to bed!"
}
} Now, three requests that are simple and straightforward for any sane
} person, but that's only because sane persons know what a plunger, a
} reasonable hour or a hot sexy woman who sleeps naked actually mean.
} A computer doesn't, so these things are concepts as alien and abstract
} as a tesseract, time before the big bang, or a really good reason why
} I'm still here instead of jumping in the sack.
}
} The way to overcome this fear is familiarity and education.  Teach the
} fearful ones what a computer's capacities are, and how to communicate
} with (not just to) a computer, and the fear will evaporate.
}
} You owe the Oracle a blanket.  I think I'm sleeping on the couch
} tonight.


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