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Internet Oracularities #1302

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1302, 1302-01, 1302-02, 1302-03, 1302-04, 1302-05, 1302-06, 1302-07, 1302-08, 1302-09, 1302-10


Internet Oracularities #1302    (57 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 07 Jan 2003 09:55:11 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1302
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1302  57 votes 18fna 1llb3 6a9p7 4amf6 25jjc hnb33 65gic 2amda 14ubb 5eq75
1302  3.2 mean  3.6   2.9   3.3   3.2   3.6   2.2   3.4   3.3   3.5   2.9


1302-01    (18fna dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Brilliantest Oracle!  Your wisdom is renowned throughout the cosmos!
>
> What's the best way to take apart a VCR?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Leave the VCR in a room with a seven year old boy for twenty
} minutes.


1302-02    (1llb3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most methodical and precise Oracle,
>
> What can I do as an individual to help cause another Ice age?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We all know that your vote counts.  The best thing you can do
} is to vote.  Any of the following parties is acceptable for
} causing another ice age:
}
}   Republican, because they don't know what they are doing
}   Democrat, because they think they do know
}   Tory, because they caused all the other problems
}   Whig, because nobody understands them
}   Conservative, ready to keep the heat in, letting the ice form
}     elsewhere
}   Liberal, because they support the Socialists
}   Christian Democrat, the modern Holy Roman Empire
}   Labour, who are Marxist at heart, even if not in action
}   Socialist, because central planning helps keep everyone cold
}   Communist, because they have experience in Siberia
}   Marxist, because a good theory always wins over cold facts
}   Trotskyist, because there's a hatchet buried somewhere in all that
}     ice
}   Green, because they used to be Red, but green's a cooler
}     colour
}   Wobbley, because the IWW members could use a bit of support
}
} Avoid the Libertarians, the Liberians, the Librarians, and the
} Libertines.  They are all facets of the same party, and they just might
} know how to prevent an ice age.  Personally I'm going with the Libation
} Party.


1302-03    (6a9p7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most penetrating and equitable,
>
> How bad will it be this time compared to last year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well - this time you won't be a *virgin*...


1302-04    (4amf6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oracle of oracles, Sage of sages, Scribe of scribes and
>  Teacher of teachers please take a moment to speak
>  wisdom to a humble supplicant. Why are students of
>  Ancient Chinese Secrets always called Grasshopper?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Cockroach" didn't exactly work too well.
}
} You owe the Oracle a live grasshopper.  Then, you will be enlightened.


1302-05    (25jjc dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Could I have fries with that?
> +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> NOTICE: Please note that this eMail, and the contents thereof,
> is subject to the standard eMail disclaimer which may be found at:
> http://www.eMail.com/disclaimer.htm
>
> If you cannot access the disclaimer through the URL attached and
> you wish to receive a copy thereof please send an eMail to
> disclaimer@eMail.com. You will receive the disclaimer by return eMail.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure.  Here you go.
}
} +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
} NOTICE: Please note that these fries, and the ingredients thereof, are
} subject to the standard McDonald's disclaimer which may be found at
} http://www.mcdonalds.com/legal/index.html
}
} If you do not wish to read this disclaimer but you wish to eat the fries
} anyway, you lose all right to sue us over anything at all, related or
} unrelated to fries, McDonalds, disclaimers, or the Internet Oracle.
}
} And yes, we knew you were going to try to sue us for selling you fries
} which make you fat, you bastard.


1302-06    (hnb33 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, so flexible and obliging ...
>
> I'm tired of you being an internet gimmick. I want a daily "The
> Internet Oracle" comic strip. Get right to it. Chop chop.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Chop chop?
}
} Gimme, gimme, gimme.


1302-07    (65gic dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Scientists are always giving conflicting reports as to what is the
> correct best diet for healthy living. Wise Oracle what do you
> suggest we humans dine on so that we may live longer and healthier
> and thus have more time on Earth so that we can have more time
> to worship Your Wisdom and Knowledge?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A wise man said "you are what you eat," so for a longer lifespan I
} recommend you eat the elderly.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Great-Grandpa Sauce.


1302-08    (2amda dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
> happy new year !

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not likely! Wait until you SEE the changes to the last part
} of "The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King" that Peter
} Jackson has implemented!
}
}  --The Most Startling Changes in the film version of RotK --
}
} 10. Tom Bombadil!! Tom has relocated! He now lives between
}     Osgiliath and Cirith Ungol. He provides shelter for
}     Gollum, Sam and Frodo as events unfurl in Minas Tirith.
}     The images of him dancing around like a fool with The
}     Mountains of Shadow in the background are disturbing to
}     say the least. "Fans wanted Tom, so I gave it to them!"
}     says Jackson.
}
} 09. Merry kills the Witch King with a wet towel! The Witch
}     King has Eowyn by the hair, his evil steed is munching
}     on Theoden's head. Then SNAP! Merry knocks the Witch
}     King's crown off with a sodden banner he finds in the
}     midst of Pelennor Fields which somehow kills the undead
}     lord, go figure. This is made all the worse by a creepy
}     flashback Merry has right before the deed of a wet towel
}     fight with Fatty Bolger and the lads back at Crickhollow.
}
} 08. Legolas gets a finger cut off by Gimili's ax by accident.
}     Using 'Elf Magic' he makes the missing digit regrow like
}     some high speed lizard tail. This is supposed to be some
}     kind of foreshadowing. "Viewers like foreshadowing," said
}     Jackson.
}
} 07. Gimli falls in a latrine pit at Minas Tirith. The Oracle
}     doesn't want to say anymore about this. Yeech.
}
} 06. When Pippin looks in a palanti'r and sees a waving New Line
}     Cinema logo, -then- the Red Eye.
}
} 05. A red headed woman of extraordinary beauty sees the Hobbits
}     at Aragorn's Coronation and says aloud "Hobbits! Well, what
}     is next? I have heard of strange doings in this land, but
}     I have seldom heard of..." then her lines get drown out
}     by the blare of horns. Peter Jackson explains, "I got
}     more email asking to include that line that you can imagine,
}     so I put it in. It's details like this that make my film
}     so true to the spirit of Tolkien."
}
} 04. On the Paths of the Dead, Aragorn meets up with the ghost
}     of Christmas 2001, 2002, and 2003. All of which are played
}     by Peter Jackson. "Hey, these ARE holiday films too, what
}     says that better than an allusion to Charles Dickens?"
}     explains Jackson.
}
} 03. The Dance of the Pumpkins. Trust me, you don't want to know
}     anymore about this.
}
} 02. Faramir gets killed. For reals. Gandalf marries Eowyn in
}     a double ceremony with Aragorn and Arwen.
}
} 01. Sam SHOVES Gollum into the Crack of Doom. "Die Stinker!
}     And here's a finger from me!" a line and a accompanying
}     gesture that will live in film infamy.
}
} You owe the Oracle some very expensive popcorn.


1302-09    (14ubb dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle, who laughs at all the wisdom of humans, please help
> me understand.
>
> Is it just coincidence that digest 1294-08, wich dealt with Homer
> Simpson, had a distribution of 07doh?  How did Homer's quote match the
> distribution?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hee, hee. The Oracle was wondering when someone would notice
} that one. Many of the other 'joke' scores have been found and
} commented on in the various tomes about The Oracle.
}
} For example:  1051-01  score: Dog34
} Was about Cerebus, though it's implied that no one got the joke.
}
} And 1133-04 score: 7god9
} Gives info on how to deal with pent up evil from the advantage
} of someone playing God as a doctor.
}
} And 813 score: grAte
} Tended to rub one's sense of humor raw in a painful way.
}
} 842-10  score: drmop
} Was an insider joke and tip of the hat to the head janitor
} here at the temple.
}
} While 912-06  score: nEwb1
} was a joke score at the expense of the obvious newbie that
} wrote it.
}
} Often such messages are spread across two scores, and
} use the time honored B1fF writing conventions:
}
} * If you're over 18 years of age check out 782-9 and 10
}   to see why they were listed as: 8hotj 3cuum
}
} * 1astg 1funf ( Last 1 Fun ) are two answers about the
}   joys of game playing in 778-06 and 08, only one of
}   which was amusing
}
} This whole silliness reached it's zenith with the entire
} sentence joke answer of end of an era digest #999 with
} it's long "Paul/Zadoc is dead" theme carried out through
} all the answers in landmark digest number 999. The hilarious
} score that with it requires no explanation, one because
} it's so obvious, and two the tongue in cheek channel PZS
} documentary on that digest explains it in detail.
}
} pBq79 oophe 5cqBo agAse hqFf5 fhnpo 7aqFk uupd6 9rCo6 bvzn4
}
} The Oracle still laughs when he hears some one read that
} out loud for the first time and sees the expression on
} their face when they finally get it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fan. <wink-wink>


1302-10    (5eq75 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Internalnet Oracle, I humbly ask you for help in my
> quest for knowledge.  I am trying to learn how to become an
> Oracle myself.  Surely you'll approve of such a task.
>
> So please tell me, how did you get to be an Oracle?  Is there
> a special school, or a magic powder, or a secret handshake?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually you need to be a manifestation of the will of Apollo,
} at least that's what I did.


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