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Internet Oracularities #1304

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Internet Oracularities #1304    (53 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 17 Jan 2003 09:59:45 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1304
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1304  53 votes 5fia5 4bgac 24ik9 8fj47 6dfb8 44ibg 23li9 2cq76 25oe8 17ij8
1304  3.3 mean  2.9   3.3   3.6   2.8   3.0   3.6   3.5   3.1   3.4   3.5


1304-01    (5fia5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Frinkity frink

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello, and welcome to another edition of:
}
}    Sounds: Aren't they funny?
}   ================================
}
}    New research into the `fr' sounds indicate a hitherto undiscovered
}    potential.  The Human Speech Project (HSP) has reached the `fr',
}    and several independent tests shows a consideral humoristic
}    potential such as has not been seen since the `br' sound (classics
}    as `briibah', `brunch', `broobar' and `braarh').  The unsuspected
}    surprise `friibah', the first funny `fr'-word to be found, was
}    also the first hint at the newest breakthrough.  Suspicions were
}    further confirmed when the even funnier `fr'-word `fraarh' was
}    found, and experts now agree that much of the funniness is to be
}    ascribed to the otherwise innocent looking `r'.
}      A new wing in the research has even claimed that this is not a
}    singular case, but that the funniness of a word can be directly
}    ascribed to the `r'-density.  This rather radical claim is supported
}    by a number of examples (`ruhr' is funnier than `rooahr' etc.),
}    but is not widely recognized, and in fact counterexamples exist
}    (`dimaan' is funny but `drimaan', `dirmaan', `dirmraan' and
}    `dimaarn' is just noise).
}      The main stream of the research leans more towards the view that
}    it is the conjunction of `r' to another consonant that
}    imbues the other consonant with funniness and the classical
}    consonant-conjunction-test (see table) seems to support this.
}
}        `r'-conjunction (the `*ii'-test):
}
}          brii (5), crii (3), drii (6), frii (5), grii (4), hrii (4),
}          jrii (3), krii (2), lrii (-), mrii (4), nrii (5), prii (3),
}          qrii (-), ------- , srii (4), trii (4), vrii (7), wrii (3),
}          xrii (-), zrii (2).
}
}    Note especially the all-time highscoring `vrii'.  The experts agree
}    that this is indeed a breakthroug, but also that much is still to
}    be researched, but already now the amateur has certainly been given
}    a new powerful way of beginning words.


1304-02    (4bgac dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please, greatest Oracle, tell me:
>
> How are Oreos made?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} EXTERIOR SHOT:  Hollow tree with photogenic forest sprite
} peering out of hole.
}
} CRUSADING INVESTIGATING REPORTER:  "Sir!  Sir!  Do you
} confirm or deny the allegations that you're making Oreos
} here?"
}
} KEEBLER ELF:  "Wrong brand.  You want the Nabisco Elves,
} two trees down."
}
} CRUSADING INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER:  "Crap."
}
} Several BRIGHTLY COSTUMED figures suddenly appear in
} MOTORCYCLE HELMETS, brandishing THICK BOOKS and STACKS OF
} PAMPHLETS.
}
} RED FIGURE:  "Hi there!  We're the Mighty Mormon Power
} Rangers!  Saying the word 'crap' makes the Baby Jesus cry!"
}
} CRUSADING INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER stares mutely.
}
} KEEBLER ELF stares mutely at the Pink Ranger's boobies.
}
} CRUSADING INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER:  "Oh, shit.  We'd better
} get some help from the Jehovah's Witness Protection
} Program."
}
} CUT TO grainy black and white film of film-noir-ish office
} scene.  MEN IN DARK SUITS wearing fedoras and carrying
} Bibles walk purposefully to and fro, while WOMEN IN MODEST
} LONG DARK DRESSES answer the phones.
}
} WOMAN ON PHONE:  "Well, I don't know, honey.  *tee-hee*
} What are *you* wearing?  Oh?  That makes me go all
} tingly..."  She looks up and notices the camera on her,
} gives a strained smile, and hangs up quickly.  The camera
} switches to a HEROIC-LOOKING JEHOVAH'S WITNESS PROTECTION
} PROGRAM TEAM LEADER wearing a comically large crucifix and
} a bandoleer of bottles of holy water; he has a bundle of
} copies of The Watchtower in one hand and a cellular phone
} in the other.
}
} JEHOVAH'S WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM TEAM LEADER:  "This
} Keebler elf says he needs our help, and asks us, as the
} Jehovah's--"
}
} A MOB of DIRTY BRONZE AGE TYPES bursts in the door,
} carrying large stones.
}
} MOB LEADER points at TEAM LEADER and SHOUTS:  "Stone him!
} He said 'Jehovah!'"
}
} SHRILL WOMAN IN MOB:  "Wait, *you* said 'Jehovah!'  We have
} to stone *you!*"
}
} BRONZE AGE MOB begins pelting one another with stones and
} shouting "YOU SAID 'JEHOVAH!'"  "YOU SAID 'JEHOVAH' FIRST!"
}
} EXTERIOR SHOT:  OFFICE BUILDING, which now resembles a
} small, cheaply made model.  A GIANT FOOT comes down from
} the sky and stomps on it, accompanied by a loud and juicy
} farting sound.  The camera tracks up the foot, up the leg,
} up to--It's KIBO!
}
} KIBO:  "That was much too silly."
}
} KIBO then walks away, absent-mindedly eating Oreo cookies
} from a bag.
}
} THE END
}
} CREDITS:
}
} CRUSADING INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER:  Charlton Heston
} KEEBLER ELF:  Danny DeVito
} LEADER OF THE MIGHTY MORMON POWER RANGERS:  Charles Nelson
} Reilly
} PINK RANGER:  JoAnne Worley
} WOMAN ON TELEPHONE:  Janeane Garofalo
} PROTECTION TEAM LEADER:  Eddie Deezen
} LEADER OF BRONZE AGE MOB:  John Cleese
} SHRILL WOMAN IN MOB:  Eric Idle
} KIBO:  Christopher Walken
} THE USENET ORACLE:  Himself
}
} CELL PHONES provided courtesy of thoughtless drivers.  OREO
} COOKIES provided courtesy of Nabisco, Inc.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bag of Oreo cookies and a better
} script.


1304-03    (24ik9 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Could you -please- pass the cheese?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My digestive system can't be rushed. You'll just
} have to wait until nature takes its course.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of what you're
} planning to do with the cheese when it appears.


1304-04    (8fj47 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> One woodchuck,
> Two woodchucks,
> Red woodchuck,
> Blew woodchuck.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Can you zot him in the can?
} Can you zot him in his hand?
} Can you zot him in a car?
} Can you turn him into a blob of bubbling tar?


1304-05    (6dfb8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wonderous and all knowing Oracle,
>
> What should Garfy do about his teeth?
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Morsh Limited
> Registered in: England
> Registered Office: The Morsh Centre, London
>
> Morsh Ltd is a member of the General Insurance Standards Council.
>
> Morsh Ltd conducts its general insurance activities on terms that are
> set out in the document "Our Business Principles and Practices".
>
> This message and any attachments are confidential. If you have received
> this message in error please delete it from your system. If you require
> any assistance please notify the sender. Thank You.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sorry, but the message you sent is confidential, and the answer
} cannot be supplied to anyone at the Morsh Centre.  Please resubmit
} your query in the form of a ten-pound note.


1304-06    (44ibg dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise one, who's ear wax contains more wisdom that the entire
> population of the Earth;
>
> Will Lealani and I be together for eternity?
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Morsh Limited
> Registered in: England
> Registered Office: The Morsh Centre, London
>
> Morsh Ltd is a member of the General Insurance Standards Council.
>
> Morsh Ltd conducts its general insurance activities on terms that are
> set out in the document "Our Business Principles and Practices".
>
> This message and any attachments are confidential. If you have received
> this message in error please delete it from your system. If you require
> any assistance please notify the sender. Thank You.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Make that a twenty-pound note.


1304-07    (23li9 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Guten Tag, Great Oracle,
>
> Please to tell me vhich ist ze best mezzod fur vorld domination.  Mein
> r-r-research indicates zat secret orbital veapons are perhaps ze most
> cost-effective, but I haf always had a soft spot fur ze stolen nuclear
> devices, ja?  I am in somezzink uff a hurry, so I am villink to cut a
> few corners undt execute a few henchmen if necessary.  Should I be
> vorried about British secret agents?
>
> Mua-ha-ha!
>
> Herr Doktor von bo:ser Geist
> Hauptwissenschaftler,
> Weltherrschaftgesellschaft

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sigh... evil geniuses... now there's an oxymoron. It's always the
} "big kablooie" and the "laser this" and "laser that", never the
} subtle "bishop to king's rook 3 that sets up the game for a win 32
} moves down the road" for you guys.  Sigh.
}
} Here's a few plans you could try:
}
} 1) Hoard pennies. Just pick up a few industrial size vats of pennies
} and watch the North American economy crumble as the U.S. mint produces
} more at the cost of 1.5 cents for every penny. The beauty of it is
} that it turns 99% of Americans into co-conspirators. I can see the
} posters now "Save a penny... for evil! America needs your pennies."
}
} 2) Launch an ad campaign for SUVs. Doesn't matter which brand just
} encourage more people to buy them. Combined with a pathological
} loathing of the Kyoto accord you can run away rich with real estate
} speculation (think "Superman: The Movie" without the nuclear devices...
} STOP THINKING ABOUT NUCLEAR DEVICES...  AARGH... evil geniuses).
}
} 3) Low grade biological warfare. Cough on someone. I know it sounds
} small but it's like that "she told two people" commercial with
} the inevitable fall of civilization due to missed work days and an
} insufficient supply of Kleenex. Cough often, cough strategically.
}
} As for British agents, what's to worry? They're terribly easy to spot
} (with their publicists working 24/7) and have a habit of falling
} into the easiest of traps if you bait them with a blonde, brunette
} or redhead. No, no, Doktor von Poser you should fear the Romanian
} agents those guys are bloodthirsty and batty.
}
} You owe the Oracle an orbital platform for no reason at all...


1304-08    (2cq76 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most practical,
>
> How can I wash up my cheesegrater without shredding the sponge?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I must confess, Supplicant, that I do not have a great deal of
} experience with these "cheese graters" of which you speak. I mostly
} have ambrosia, manna, and Herr's Old Bay Seasoning potato chips at
} mealtime, with the occasional supplement of lovingly peeled grapes.
} But luckily for you, not only do I care about your picayune problems, I
} have sources of information direct from the world's greatest gourmands.
} Following are the recommendations that I have received:
}
} From MS, Connecticut, US:
} If you find that your sponges are not lasting as long as you feel they
} should, give the pot-boy a thorough thrashing and fire one or two of
} your sous-chefs, pour encourager les autres. Be careful, though, to use
} high-quality rubber or leather lashes so as not to break the skin.
}
} From EL, New Orleans, US:
} You put in a little garlic, maybe eight or nine cloves, and half a
} gallon of Tabasco with some crawfish. They get so spazzed out they
} thrash around like crazy and knock all the cheese off the grater. BAM!
}
} From CK, Tokyo, Japan:
} If memory serves, the cheese grater and the sponge serve as opposites
} in the great game of dining, with the one needing the other and yet
} leading to its destruction. As the old saying goes, "If the sponge is
} seen in the full moon, the grater will never surrender."
}
} So there you go, Supplicant - it all seems pretty simple. Please do let
} me know how it works out.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good table at Morimoto.


1304-09    (25oe8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle: when i came home from work today, my landlord, who
> lives in our four-plex, had carpeted the garage.  He lives in #1, i
> live in #2, and we share a double garage to which we each have assigned
> doors.  The entirity of our double garage has been carpeted,
> fetchingly, in a mid-length champagne brown acrylic.  The landlord has
> parked his Mercedes in his usual space, which is now carpeted.  I ask
> you, oh great Oracle; am i to do the same?  I fear hot engines sparking
> flames in the fibres, i fear reversing wheels spinning up the
> un-mounted carpet, and yet i also fear complaining - as it may be
> percieved as a rude rejection of an offering, a gift.  If i am not to
> park upon the lovely fibred field, lest i enjoy treating with the
> visitation of firefighting professionals and the insurance claims
> adjustors, what words may i use to gently, kindly, and politely request
> the removal of same?  I am at a loss; am i insane, or is this situation
> "a bit much" in truth?  Thank you!, great Oracle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, this is the problem with which you are faced:
}
} Your landlord is insane. Anyone who would carpet a garage would also
} attempt to hydraulicize a cat, would dress up as the word "Umlaut," and
} would watch and enjoy the hit series "The Bachelor." Clearly,
} therefore, he is not well.
}
} Now you may decide that the smartest thing to do is to out-insane him,
} so as to cause him to break your lease so that you can go live with
} someone who has more than 3 of his eight cylinders firing. But honestly
} that won't work. If you try to install a Kelvinator, barcalounger,
} skittles table, and an orange ironing board on "your" side of the
} garage he will simply decide that you are his kind of person, and will
} start being more blatantly obvious about watching you through your
} blinds at night, possibly by coming into your room and sitting on the
} bed.
}
} Probably the simplest thing for you to do is to have constructed an
} iron frame, with ramps, over which you can have mounted a large patch
} of asphalt a slightly bigger than your car. You can then have this
} installed in the garage and explain to your landlord that the carpeting
} was so lovely that you could not bear the thought of dripping motor oil
} upon it. Offer to have one made for him as well.
}
} You owe the Oracle an Astroturfed garden plot.


1304-10    (17ij8 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
> Why are we spending billions hunting some terrorists to the ends of
> the earth, while we spend even more billions supplying other terrorists
> with the latest in advanced weapons?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, a common misconception about money is that it does good if it's in
} a big heap somewhere.  Aside from Scrooge McDuck staying in shape with
} his swimming, money that is stationary will stagnate, and foul anything
} near it.
}
} The real value of money is when it moves.  Any budding economist will
} tell you that a recession is when people stop spending money.  Some
} money will always change hands, as it is exchanged for consumable goods
} needed for survival, but if the money doesn't move from the purveyors
} of consumable resources, then it won't get to the people who exchange
} it for replacing consumed resources.  A more concrete, simplified
} example:
}   - computer programmer gets paid (Money -> nerd)
}   - computer programmer buys a coffee so she can code long hours
}     (programmer -> starbucks)
}   - coffee vendor buys beans (starbucks -> Juan Valdez)
}   - bean farmer buys marching powder so he can farm long hours
}     (Juan Valdez -> drug czar)
}   - marching powder seller buys luxury item (drug czar -> nintendo)
}   - game company pays computer programmer if she works long hours
}     (nintendo -> nerd)
} ...and so it goes.  So long as the money moves, everyone's happy.  If
} any part of this cycle is interrupted, even for ethical reasons, then
} even the benevolent parts of this cycle will stop.  "The spice must
} flow," as Paul Atreides once said.
}
} So remember, if you're going to interfere with the economics of
} warfare, you have to make sure that the money and goods keep moving
} around. Ammunition, a consumable, is a vital part of this cycle that
} mustn't be ignored; money and ammunition *must* move for our continued
} health.
}
} If it were up to me, I'd move the all ammunition into the sun's corona.
}
} You owe the Oracle an olive branch.


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