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Internet Oracularities #1305

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1305, 1305-01, 1305-02, 1305-03, 1305-04, 1305-05, 1305-06, 1305-07, 1305-08, 1305-09, 1305-10


Internet Oracularities #1305    (56 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 22 Jan 2003 09:14:03 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1305
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1305  56 votes 15vf4 09jhb 7mh91 dj5a9 29pe6 0bni4 29qd6 36iib 88gi6 59gh9
1305  3.2 mean  3.3   3.5   2.6   2.7   3.2   3.3   3.2   3.5   3.1   3.3


1305-01    (15vf4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does everyone look at me like I had two heads?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's not "everyone". That's your other head.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of peril sensitive sunglasses.


1305-02    (09jhb dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty, omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent,
> omnivorous, all-seeing Internet Oracular master, saver of
> all, keeper of all wisdom, who spans the great infinity of
> space and time, who outshines any Snap-on tool, whose
> electronic wisdom I am unworthy even to ponder, whose Un*x
> knowledge surpasses even the most dedicated hacker.  Oh
> most industrially illustrious, wonderful, marvelous,
> magnificent, and omnipotent Oracle, whose prowess knows no
> limits, drool is treasured like the mirth of eternal
> youth, I humbly implore thee to answer my cry...
>
> Who are the Web Masters and what powers do they have? Are
> they real or just another Internet legend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The original Web Masters were, in fact, a particular breed of highly
} intelligent spiders.  After crawling forth from the primordial soup,
} their communications technology continued to advance at a rapid pace.
} Eventually, they made the fateful discovery that spider silk is,
} in fact, a highly efficient material for fiber optic data transfer,
} and thus the Internet was born, instantly linking every Web Master
} in existence.
}
} A few years thereafter, the Web Masters made another fateful discovery:
} Internet Porn.
}
} In the ensuing period of near universal self-abuse, the entire Web
} Master species became extinct, and passed into the realm of legend.
}
} There are rumors that a small cabal of Web Masters still exists, out
} there somewhere, but since they have not yet found a way to build an
} RJ-45 interface cable using spider silk and bug carcasses, they are
} limited to 56k dial-up connections and therefore their existence is
} irrelevant to the modern Internet.
}
} You owe the Oracle a double helping of time flies.


1305-03    (7mh91 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oracle most heavenly, please tell me: What size are Pygmy gods?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 5.5 (US 6)
}
} You owe the oracle the tiniest shoehorn.


1305-04    (dj5a9 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Si?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "What question is Jose asked, via song, before the start of
}  every major sporting event in the USA?"


1305-05    (29pe6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Wise Oracle most exhilarated and immense,
>
>  Why won't my mom let me have a 800 mile long python?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you still haven't cleaned up the mess from the 600 foot
} puppy like you said you would.
}
} You owe the Oracle some air freshener.


1305-06    (0bni4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most deathless and sensible, your ideas are everywhere!
>
> What should I wear to be buried in?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Depends on what the occasion is for your burial.
}
} YOU'RE DEAD: A nice suit. Underwear is optional.
}
} YOU'RE AT THE BEACH: Swim trunks, but remember that wearing a speedo is
} a crime against humanity.
}
} YOU'RE A PROFESSIONAL PUDDING WRESTLER: Why not a nice singlet? Get a
} sponsor and put some logos on it, and you can make some serious side-
} cash.
}
} YOU'RE HOUDINI: A nice suit. Underwear is optional.
}
} YOU'RE AN ACORN: Clothes are not customary, but a t-shirt that reads
} "Warning! Toxic to squirrels" might come in handy.
}
} YOU'RE VERY SMALL AND OWN A GREAT DANE. Milk-bone overalls.
}
} YOU'RE BURIED IN DEBT: A nice suit. eBay your underwear.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Miracle-Gro-based cologne.


1305-07    (29qd6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What can I do to bring more excitement into my life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      == Ten Ways to Make your Life More Exciting ==
}
} 10. Put on roller blades, tie a leashed pit bull to each
}     hand. Never take them off. Never.
} 09. Go into a biker bar and flirt with one of the guys.
} 08. Go to work nude.
} 07. Stalk a mafia don's daughter.
} 06. Adopt a family of ferrets, and a family of quail.
} 05. Go to an Oakland Raiders game dressed in Kansas
}     City Chiefs garb.
} 04. Liquidate all your assets, take it to Las Vegas, go
}     to the roulette table, bet it ALL on "double zero"
} 03. Marry a widow woman who already has nine kids.
} 02. Become a cop.
} 01. Change your name to Bin Laden.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nap.


1305-08    (36iib dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Voluminous Oracle, long accustomed to status, wealth and success,
>
> Are there any politicians that aren't corrupt?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and
} acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout,
} "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
}
} All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his
} statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.
}
} After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "Okay," he said, "I
} withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is not made up of cowards
} and corrupt politicians!"


1305-09    (88gi6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My wife or my mistress?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Both. You tell your mistress that you're spending the evening with
} your wife. Then you tell your wife that you're spending the evening
} with your mistress. Then you go to the terminal room and fire off a
} few askmes.


1305-10    (59gh9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is he gone yet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alas, no Saruman is still up there in his dark tower, with Grima
} plotting. Plotting what? Why what to do next. Here's what they
} have so far...
}
}       == Top Ten Things Saruman is Thinking ==
}        == of Doing with a Flooded Isengard ==
}
} 10. Donate it to the Ents as a Park (good PR move, might
}     help Grima and him live a little longer too)
}
} 09. Breed Evil Uruk-Koi, Gold Fish with an attitude!
}
} 08. Theme Park. Think S-World, home of Sarumanmu the
}     Killer Whale! Rohan rug-rats will beg their mums
}     to take them there. There's more than one way to
}     corrupt them strawheads.
}
} 07. Sewage Treatment Plant. Hey, it looks like a huge
}     t*rd churner already. Run with it.
}
} 06. Wormtongue Dunk Tank! Step right up. For one shiny
}     penny you can toss three rocks at linchpin holding
}     Grima up above the murky broth below. (Ents excluded)
}
} 05. Get Isengard declared a wetland. Collect Federal Funds.
}
} 04. Big Ice Park. Lots of snow not too far off, Saruman could
}     use it to freeze his unintended pond solid. Hold Ice Capades.
}     Elf Princesses in tights spinning about on skates will draw
}     a crowd.
}
} 03. Speed Boat Races. (must invent internal combustion
}     engine first, row boat's powered by Orcs will be
}     funny at first, but then grow old.)
}
} 02. Pave it over, put sub- division on top. Think Love
}     Canal.
}
} 01. Sue the Ents for damage done. Take over Fangorn
}     as settlement.
}
} You owe the Oracle a spiky wheel.


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