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Internet Oracularities #1306

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1306, 1306-01, 1306-02, 1306-03, 1306-04, 1306-05, 1306-06, 1306-07, 1306-08, 1306-09, 1306-10


Internet Oracularities #1306    (56 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 2003 09:10:17 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1306
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1306  56 votes 27oh6 1eij4 24pi7 18lga 2afib 19lfa 1apg4 17mk6 3cej8 4ajg7
1306  3.3 mean  3.3   3.2   3.4   3.5   3.5   3.4   3.2   3.4   3.3   3.2


1306-01    (27oh6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh you Oracle, fair quintessence of the `Net, smarter than paint
> be your ideals, both witty and strong,
>
> Should I get one of them new bionic eyes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, the old bionic eyes are more @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
} somewhat cheaper than the newer m@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
} could you, supplicant? Without ev@@&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&@@
} out and bought yourself one of th@@&&##########################&&@@
} should have waited for the Oracle@@&&@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@&&@@
} you're in, supplicant! You can't @@&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&@@
} constantly moving your head left @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
} this be a lesson to you, foolish @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


1306-02    (1eij4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Listen to me humans of Earth! The greatest of all your benefactors
>  is the Wise Oracle! In requital of his glorious deeds, you have
>  justly allotted by statute a share of your libations and drink-
>  offerings in every temple and at every public service, whom, in
>  hymns and in worship, you treat as the equals of gods of old and
>  the demigods of your own feeble times!
>
>  Why do the neighbors keep calling 911?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Emily (peers through curtains): Elmer. Those new neighbours across the
} street are doing it again.
} Elmer: Doing what, Emily?
} Emily: Playing loud music. It's enough to put you off.
} Elmer: I'll call 911 again.
} Emily (returns from window to kitchen table): Now, where were we?
} Emily (picks up knife): We offer up to thee, O Great One, this
} sacrifice... (More screams from kitchen. Music turns up a notch.)
}
} You owe the Oracle some earplugs.


1306-03    (24pi7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O vastly knowledgeable and experienced Oracle, who can fix any problem
> almost before it occurs,
>
> When I try to print out the answers you send me, my printer doesn't
> print. What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Troubleshooting Guide for Printer Problems
}
} Problem: Nothing prints, front panel says "PC LOAD LETTER."
} Solution: Printer is out of paper.  Put paper in letter tray.
}
} Problem: Everything printed is gibberish.
} Solution: Some bozo is printing a binary file.  Cancel the current job,
}   track down bozo, shove the ream of paper he wasted down his throat.
}
} Problem: Nothing prints, front panel says "PC LOAD MANUAL."
} Solution: Printer is waiting for manual feed.  Put paper in manual feed
}   tray.
}
} Problem: Nothing prints, front panel displays normal status, printer is
}   not visable from network/local machine
} Solution: Printer may not be properly connected to network/printer port.
}   Check cabling for printer's network connection or parallel port as
}   appopriate.
}
} Problem: Nothing prints, front panel display is blank.
} Solution: Printer is off.  Turn printer on.
}
} Problem: Printer functions normally for everyone's jobs except yours.
} Solution: Workstation's printer setting are hosed.  Check printer
}   settings on local workstation to verify that they reference the
}   correct printer.
}
} Problem: Nothing prints, front panel says "INSERT HAND TO CONTINUE."
} Solution: Printer requires blood sacrifice.  Insert hand into manual
}   feed tray, or, if future use of hand is desired, get coworker to
}   insert his hand.  Recommend use of virgin hands.
}
} Problem: Jobs print normally but then burst into flame, plastic
}   surfaces of printer are soft to touch.
} Solution: Printer is on fire.  Turn off flamethrower.
}
} Problem: Printer is missing.
} Solution: Printer has been stolen.  Buy new one.
}
} Problem: Print jobs are streaked and/or faded.
} Solution: Toner cartridge is malfunctioning.  Replace toner cartridge.
}
} Problem: Printer doesn't work.
} Solution: User error.  Try a bigger brain.
}
} You owe the Oracle an etch-a-sketch.


1306-04    (18lga dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> --part1_6d.7e72f8e.2b60acfe_boundary
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset="US-ASCII"
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
>
> What is the "consumption function"?
>
> --part1_6d.7e72f8e.2b60acfe_boundary
> Content-Type: text/html; charset="US-ASCII"
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
>
> <HTML><FONT FACE=arial,helvetica><FONT  SIZE=2 FAMILY="SANSSERIF"
> FACE="Arial" LANG="0">What is the "consumption function"?</FONT></HTML>
>
> --part1_6d.7e72f8e.2b60acfe_boundary--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's the ability of HTML to eat up bandwidth for no good
} reason at all.


1306-05    (2afib dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do elves like coffee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Roast-brown! Roast-brown! O crystals clear
} O bitter brew, our tongues caress!
} O jolt to us who wander here
} Along the slopes of Juan Valdez
} Maxwell House! O Nescafe!
} Chock full of taste and rich bouquet!
} Roast-brown! Roast-brown! we sing to thee
} In draughts we much prefer to Tea
} O beans that in the droughtless year
} With shining hand by him were sown
} On rainy slopes now bright and clear
} We see your roast-brown blossom blown!
} O Maxwell House! Nescafe!
} We still remember, we who say
} "O bitter brew, our tongues caress!
} Along the slopes of Juan Valdez."
}
} Thou owest the Oracle a double-skinny Ent draught with frothy milk


1306-06    (19lfa dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  OOO  RRRR    A    CCCC L     EEEEE  !
> O   O R   R  A A  C     L     E      !
> O   O RRRR  AAAAA C     L     EEE    !
> O   O R  R  A   A C     L     E
>  OOO  R   R A   A  CCCC LLLLL EEEEE  !
>
> Whatever happened to the man from Nantucket?  You know the one...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There once was a man from Nantucket
} Who invented the free-verse limerick.
} They didn't do well,
} So he didn't get famous,
} Unlike his brother in Niagra.


1306-07    (1apg4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  O Oracle most omniscient,
>
>  Where are my pants?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike.
}
} > s
} You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike.
}
} > e
} You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike.
} Your lamp is getting dim.
}
} > e
} You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike.
} Your lamp is getting very dim.
}
} > find pants!
} I don't know how to "find."
} Your lamp has gone out!
}
} > scream
} AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
} It is dark. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
}
} > n
} You have been eaten by a grue. You are dead.
} Ending inventory:
} lamp (0 turns of oil, unlit)
} wallet ($0, 1 maxed-out credit card)
} key ring (4 keys)
} colorful shirt
} pair of sturdy adventurer's shoes
} pair of fashionable pants
}
} Do you want to continue? (y/n) n
}
} Well, at least we know where your pants are NOW. Always check the
} obvious place first, dear Supplicant. I don't think you can get your
} pants easily now.
}
} You owe the Oracle a thousand (1000) turns of lamp oil.


1306-08    (17mk6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh Oracle, with your continental charm and dashing good looks,
> please answer this lowly supplicant's query...
>
>   I couldn't find my wallet the other day, and I came up with a
> brilliant idea.  Wouldn't it be great if real life had a search
> engine?  Just type in the key words (i.e. "Where is my wallet?")
> and you'll get hundreds of helpful tidbits on where it is!
> Fabulous!
>
>  Does such a thing exist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, it does.  Here, I'll help you use it.  You say you've lost
} your wallet?  Well, let's just type in "wallet".
}
} Results:
} 1. George W. Bush's wallet
} 2. The Internet Oracle's wallet
} 3. Bill Gates's wallet
} 4. International Wallets, Inc
} 5. Saddam Hussein's wallet
} [1] 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 ... 2345563 2345564 | Next Page>>
}
} Ug.  This apparently isn't working.  Let's try "supplicant wallet".
}
} Results:
} 1. George W. Bush's wallet
} 2. Supplicants of God [I think this is some sort of cult]
} 3. The Juno Queue Drainer
} 4. Saddam Hussein's wallet
} 5. International Wallets, Inc
} [1] 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 ... 322345563 322345564 | Next Page>>
}
} What?  This thing assumes OR?  Fine then.
} "supplicant AND wallet"
}
} Results:
} "And" is a very common word and was not included in the search.
} 1. George W. Bush's wallet
} 2. Supplicants of God
} 3. The Juno Queue Drainer
} 4. Saddam Hussein's wallet
} 5. International Wallets, Inc
} [1] 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 ... 322345563 322345564 | Next Page>>
}
} It won't accept boolean, either?  Let's see... ah, here we go.
} Advanced search.  Let's try that one again.
}
} Results:
} 1. The Juno Queue Drainer's wallet
} 2. CEO of International Wallets, Inc [he's often a supplicant]
} 3. President of International Wallets, Inc [so is he]
} 4. VP of Marketing of International Wallets, Inc [I'm seeing a pattern
}    here...]
} 5. The Oracle's Lost and Found
} [1] 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 ... 1894 1895 | Next Page>>
}
} Well, that's better, but still no cigar.  Let's try searching for the
} exact phrase "supplicant's wallet".
}
} Results:
} 1. The Oracle's Lost and Found
} 2. The Juno Queue Drainer's wallet
} 3. Richard Wilson's wallet
} 4. The RHOD Lost and Found [I *don't* want to know where that's
}    located...]
} 5. Tim Chew's hair's wallet
} [1] 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 ... 102 103 | Next Page>>
}
} OK, but how do we find *your* wallet?  I'd need to know your name.
} Wait!  I know!  We can use the question number of the question you sent
} me!
}
} "QYWai9c AND supplicant AND wallet"
}
} Results:
} Sorry, no matches found.
}
} Well, it appears that your wallet has fallen into a black hole.  Or
} that the search engine simply hasn't picked it up yet.  Which is much
} the same thing.
}
} You owe the Oracle a googol and a spell checker.


1306-09    (3cej8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where your head at?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: Down the hall and to the left.
}
} [ Drunk stumbles off up the hall and to the right. ]
}
} Oracle: No,no,no! That's Og's. . .
}
} [ Drunk gets tossed out of Og's cell and into the hall. ]
}
} Oracle: Hades! This Open House Weekend idea blows chunks.
}
} [ Zadoc shows up with a crowd of tourists in tow. They are
}   snapping pictures of everything, touching the paintings,
}   tracking dirt on the rugs. ]
}
} Zadoc: Why here's the Oracle now.
}
} [ The Oracle nods a faint nod of acknowledgment. ]
}
} Kid: Hey! How mu...
}
} <ZOT!>
}
} Mommy: Bobby! OHMYGAWD! OHMYGAWD!
}             ----------------------
}
} Agent: Okay, I get the idea. A tour is out. But how about
}        a gift shop in the lobby at least?
}
} Oracle: I'll get back to you.


1306-10    (4ajg7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most glorious Oracle, whose feet women throw themselves at every
> day, what is the most effective pick-up line?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A line is 1-dimensional, supplicant; you can't pick up much with it.
} I personally suggest pick-up circles.  A radius of 1 foot, I find,
} is most effective.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pickup truck.


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