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Internet Oracularities #1308

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1308, 1308-01, 1308-02, 1308-03, 1308-04, 1308-05, 1308-06, 1308-07, 1308-08, 1308-09, 1308-10


Internet Oracularities #1308    (59 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 10 Feb 2003 13:33:57 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1308
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1308  59 votes 0anfb 5kl85 12sm6 66lm4 19qi5 api33 ifca4 1hqd2 46jo6 5aqd5
1308  3.0 mean  3.5   2.8   3.5   3.2   3.3   2.4   2.4   3.0   3.4   3.1


1308-01    (0anfb dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me why Internet cookies were so called

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's very simple.  Of old, programmers called a small piece of data
} which stood in for another object, a 'magic cookie'.  These are widely
} used in authentication schemes, like Kerberos:  I give the auth server
} my password; it gives me a cookie.  I can then give the cookie to other
} hosts to prove my identity, without showing my password.
}
} These days it's slightly different.  You give the Web site your privacy
} and your spam-vulnerable email address ... it gives you a cookie.  What
} is it good for?  Don't worry about it.  Good user, have a cookie.
}
} You owe the Oracle a magic brownie.


1308-02    (5kl85 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You want something to drink?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have something to drink.  I want something worthwhile to answer.
}
} You owe the Oracle 12 cases of Hennessey three-star cognac.


1308-03    (12sm6 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are all those things you know that I don't?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's start with some simple ones:
}
}       * Your remote control is behind the couch, where your kids lost
}         it while playing Remote Control Volleyball during SpongeBob.
}
}       * The e-mail you're about to get from jill826491@hotmail.com,
}         inviting you to chat with "her", is actually an advertisement
}         for a narsty porn site run by her ex-boyfriend.
}
}       * The pink stuff growing in your shower is fusarium mold, and
}         the best way to get rid of it is with a dilute solution of
}         chlorine bleach.
}
}       * Teenagers these days don't have as much sex as they want each
}         other to think they do.
}
}       * Late night Deep Cable is not as funny if you're sober.
}
}       * The plural of "virus" is "viruses", even when you're talking
}         about computer viruses.  It isn't "viri" or "virii" ... those
}         would be the plurals of "vir" and "virius".
}
}       * Your boss doesn't look nearly as silly in his underwear as you
}         look in yours ... and yes, he thinks the same thing when he's
}         bored in department meetings.
}
}       * There is, in fact, a conspiracy among the squirrels.
}
}       * Your high-school sweetheart did think of you today, but only
}         to wonder what that unreadable scribble of a message was in
}         her yearbook.
}
} I could go on, but this should keep you busy for a while.


1308-04    (66lm4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I once met a woodchuck
> Proud, noble, true
> Who saved me from an elephant
> Running through the zoo
> And when I asked what he did want
> He quickly did reply
> A pile of wood was all he wished
> And I then asked him why.
> And he told me that it was widely said
> Among the wise and good
> "What joy hath a woodchuck
> Save for chucking wood?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *I* once met a woodchuck,
} Looking like the dead;
} When I asked him what he did,
} This is what he said.
} "Long ago I used to chuck
} Wood around the town;
} Till at once I saw the light -
} The Oracle came down!
} Gently he explained to me
} About the Staff of Zot,
} How, if I persisted,
} Soon I would be not.
} Now my nature is reformed,
} Hear me, ye great and good:
} NO LONGER IS IT SENSIBLE
} FOR WOODCHUCKS TO CHUCK WOOD."
}
} You owe the Oracle a better explanation of the nature of the Staff.


1308-05    (19qi5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle,
> Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Be five years old and some one will plunk you right down in
} front of it to keep you busy while they hit the secret gin
} bottle in the pantry.
}
} You owe the Oracle a shoe full of kids & a bone for the dog.


1308-06    (api33 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the plot line for the science-fiction story
> "Return to Schenectady"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Can you say, "Deliverance"
}
} I thought you could!
}
} You owe the Oracle a large pop-corn & a large orange drink.


1308-07    (ifca4 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most shiny,
>
> Please answer me All The Questions I've Never Asked(TM). Thanx.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That'd take forever.
}
} For example you never asked:
}
} Why does one cow zoom?
}
} or
}
} Why do two cows zoom?
}
} or
}
} Why do three cows zoom?
}
} or
}
} Why do four cows zoom?
}
} or
}
} Why do five cows zoom?
}
} or
}
} Why do six cows zoom?
}
} or
}
} Why do seven cows zoom?
}
} or. . .


1308-08    (1hqd2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, able to endure all forms of weather, who is never stopped by
> snow or ice or rain or hail or sleet or hurricanes or raining cats or
> even meteors,
>
> Why does some snow have holes in it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 10. Think tiny "Snow"-nuts for itty-bitty police-elves.
} 09. Makes them lighter, so they don't kill people when
}     falling on them.
} 08. Saves on amount of snow needed per flake, it doesn't
}     grow on trees you know.
} 07. Prions.
} 06. Ah grasshopper, the question is; Why are some holes
}     surrounded by snow?
} 05. Kids always tasting the flakes before they're done.
} 04. Holy Snow, Christmas. Get it?
} 03. So they make cool whistling sound as they plummet.
} 02. Old Man Frost likes to show off his fine motor skills.
} 01. Snowmen like them that way.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cup of coffee.


1308-09    (46jo6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Heavily Vested and Double Breasted Oracle, you that
> actually understands Schedule D on a 1040;
>
> What will be the worst investment strategies for the upcoming
> fiscal year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, my breasts do look nice in my vest, don't they? Thank you for
} noticing.
}
} TOP TEN WORST INVESTMENT STRATEGIES:
}
} 10. Wall Street Journal. Dartboard.
}
}  9. Take George W. Bush's latest mangled word, remove all vowels,
} search for compatible stock abbreviation. Plunge in entire life
} savings.
}
}  8. Find person pushing shopping cart down sidewalk. Say, "You're
} obviously an outside-the-box thinker. Take this big wad of cash and
} double it for me, would you?" For extra luck, have above conversation
} outside liquor store.
}
}  7. Drop in offering plate. Not at the church you attend; instead,
} try the one that worships Mr. Snuffleupagus.
}
}  6. Solar power. 'Nuff said.
}
}  5. Stuff cash in little plastic box by cash register at convenience
} store.  Put up sign reading, "Take a thousand, leave two thousand."
}
}  4. Loiter outside Federal Reserve Board headquarters. Offer to
} sell them special lucky dollar bills for two dollars apiece.
}
}  3. Scoop activated charcoal out of aquarium filter. Insert in nether
} regions. Listen to Rush Limbaugh for twenty-four hours straight,
} hoping that stress will become pressure and heat, and carbon will
} turn into diamonds.
}
}  2. Become primary backer of "The Anna Nicole Show On Ice!"
}
} And the worst investment strategy of all ...
}
}  1. If you love your money, set it free. If it comes back to you,
} doubled, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was.
}
} You owe the Oracle a free night's stay in your refrigerator box under
} the bridge.


1308-10    (5aqd5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Grand Oracle, please accept single seater WW I fighter
> plane as a token of my pleasure for the way you on your own
> solve all the world's vexing riddles,
>
> Are all heroes loners?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.
} When I order one, it always comes with a kosher pickle.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pastrami & swiss with a side of slaw.


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