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Internet Oracularities #131

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131, 131-01, 131-02, 131-03, 131-04, 131-05, 131-06, 131-07, 131-08, 131-09, 131-10


Usenet Oracularities #131    (11 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 28 Feb 90 16:51:27 -0500

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131   11 votes 24320 22025 21800 10451 22322 03071 24203 22430 12134 02234
131   3.2 mean  2.5   3.5   2.5   3.5   3.0   3.5   2.8   2.7   3.6   3.8


131-01    (24320 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want to provide my economics professor with large quantities of
> disinformation.  However, I am not wealthy.  Where can I get it at a
> discount?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just print out the discussion in any Usenet newsgroup.  Everything you
} want is available -- from the plausible but false, through to the
} totally bizarre.  Just remember to respect the authors' copyrights.
} Fair use only!


131-02    (22025 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fucking shit, my office is full of herrings!  What can I do, Oh wise and
> wonderful Oracle, what can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Herrings! Herrings! Oh my, herrings! Hold on while I consult my vast
} knowledge banks!
}
} Oh no! It's worse than I feared! The herring problem has no unique
} solution! Fear not, I have a feature to deal with this. I'll simply
} split my being into sub-Oracles.
}
} POP!
}
} sub-Oracle #1 : Quick! At the top of your voice, shout "Gladys! Get
} the mayo and Wonder Bread! We're gonna make us sardine sandwiches!"
} The herrings will leave quickly, not because they're afraid of being
} eaten, but because they're pissed off that you mistook them for
} sardines.
}
} sub-Oracle #2 : You asshole! It's not my fault you hired the entire
} Herring family to be your accountants, you sludge-eating moron! And
} while I'm at it, buttface, the plural of herring is "herring", not
} "herrings"! What a complete jerk-off!
}
} sub-Oracle #3 : Calm down. It's not as serious as you think. You
} remember that paper napkin you wiped your mouth with after lunch?
} Well, that was actually a blotter of extremely potent LSD. The
} herrings will disappear in about an hour. Meanwhile enjoy the
} experience, and watch as your fishy friends playfully jump up your
} secretary's skirt.
}
} POP!
}
} There! One of those solutions should help you out--say, I don't feel
} right. I feel strangely...diminished.
}
} sub-Oracle #2 : No wonder, you poophead! Did you really think I'd
} rejoin with you, you dickless wonder?
}
} Oh, no!
}
} sub-Oracle #2 : Oh, yes! It's me, the dark side of your personality!
} I'm free! Free to tell all your customers to fuck off! Free to write
} incredibly destructive computer viruses! Free to cause utter havoc in
} all of creation! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
}
} This...this is horrible! The Dark Oracle unleashed! And I find myself
} strangely unable to act, to make decisions. Just like Captain Kirk in
} "The Enemy Within"! What am I going to do?
}
} sub-Oracle #2 : I know what I'm going to do! Hey, Lisa! Where are you!
} I've got something long and hard for you and it's not a proof by
} induction!
}
} LISA?! YOU STAY AWAY FROM HER!!
}
} sub-Oracle #2 : And what are you going to do about it, you Oracular
} pussy?
}
} Watch this!
}
} "By Dennis and Ken!
}  By Stanislaw Lem!
}  By the blue-suited morons of old IBM!
}  I order you, aspect, persona-non-gratis,
}  Join with the Oracle, reunificatis!"
}
} sub-Oracle #2 : NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
}
} SHHHHHWWWWWWEEEEEE-POP!
}
} Ahh...much better!
}
} You owe the Oracle some good schizophrenic jokes.


131-03    (21800 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Howdy, wise one. How have you been lately?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello yourself.  The Oracle has been miserable.  People keep asking
} those stupid woodchuck questions.  Lisa has the clap and the Oracle has
} to wait till the antibiotics have done their thing.  Several of Its
} brighter incarnations are giving up Oracularities for Lent (starts
} Wednesday), which will leave It a bit short of staying power.
}
} Thank you for your concern.


131-04    (10451 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please forgive this test

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, the Oracle sees that, shy as you are, you've cleverly couched your
} question in the form of a request, rather than a question.  Of course,
} this is of little consequence to an omniscient entity.  Being in an
} especially happy and squirrelly mood today, the Oracle will answer
} your question:
}
} Have her place her hands palms-down on the sink, and lean forward as
} if she were brushing her teeth.  If you're taller than she is, have
} her stand on her tiptoes.  If she's taller, have her stand with her
} feet slightly apart.  Now, standing behind her, lift first your left
} leg, then your right leg, until your feet rest on the countertop.
}
} Reach around her and get a good grip.  Let her get a good grip, too.
} Push with your legs (_not_ with your back - the Oracle doesn't like
} lawsuits) and pull both arms toward you.  Easy, now.  Be careful you
} don't slip suddenly and hurt yourself, or her.
}
} If it still doesn't budge, even with her help, forget it and call a
} plumber.


131-05    (22322 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I help rebuild the economic infrastructure of my underwear?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just holler in a friendly fashion down to the little workmen who are
} diligently jackhammering and riveting within your underwear, and ask
} if there's anything you can do to make their tiny lives a little
} easier.  You might want to break up bits of peanut butter and jelly
} sandwiches and carefully toss them to your workmen; they love any
} excuse for a five-minute food break.  (Careful!  Throwing large pieces
} of crust within your underwear can injure your workmen!  Use a wench
} to lower large pieces of crust to your crews.)
}
} It is probably a bad idea to buy them beers; I've heard stories about
} economic infrastructures built by inebriated workers, and I'm sure you
} have too.  Although the rumors of collapsed and lopsided
} infrastructures are false, one woman in Sandusky who purchased wine
} for her construction crews was shocked to find a large and rowdy party
} going on in her brassiere during the evening shift.  So you may want
} to find other ways to show your appreciation and support to your work
} crews.
}
} Since you are having an economic infrastructure built, as opposed to
} an esoteric or an epileptic infrastructure, you may want to supply
} your construction departments with the raw materials necessary for the
} job.  An excellent way to do this is by putting spare change on the
} construction site.  Suzanne Watnick from Boston reports that she makes
} new acquaintances at stores and restaurants by dumping change from
} purchases into her brassiere.  Andrew Kaplan of Phoenix keeps his
} wallet at his crotch rather than his hip pocket; he says that "it
} makes me real popular with the ladies while it gets my economic
} infrastructure done--those guys are two weeks ahead of schedule!"
}
} The rebuilding of the economic infrastructure of your underwear can be
} a memorable and rewarding experience if you get to know your crew
} members personally.  Benjamin Morss has compiled a list of all his
} workers' likes and dislikes, as well as their birthdays; he allows an
} hour off per week for birthday celebrations for that week, and has a
} minuscule cake shipped to his jockey shorts at that time.  He says,
} however, that he does not shake hands with his employees because "they
} are real small and I am real big and it would probably kill them."
}
} However you decide to deal with the situation, rebuilding the
} infrastructure of your underwear can be an enlightening, involving,
} and rewarding experience for you and your whole family.  It has beem
} said, most rightfully so, that rebuilding your underwear economic
} infrastructure will not only add new years to your life, but new life
} to your years, so that you may fill your life with years of living
} life with all the years that you can live.
}
} (insert theme music here)


131-06    (03071 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How far would you walk for one of my smiles ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd walk about this far, but no further.  Yep.  From here to there.
} That's just about as far as you're gonna get from me.  So don't think
} your smile is that incredible.  Nope.  Just from here to there.  Just a
} tiny jaunt in the ubiquitous fabric of existence.  Not really all that
} far.  I mean, like, it's not like walking no distance whatsoever.  Come
} on.  It's a distance.  So don't take it so personal.  Sheesh.  Oh come
} on!  Don't leave like that!  HEY!  HEY YOU!  COME BACK!  YOU COME BACK
} HERE OR YOU'LL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN!  FINE!  FINE!  YOU CAN
} JUST FORGET ABOUT THE REFERENCE!  BETTER START CLEANING OUT YOUR DESK!
} THAT'S IT!  AND YOUR SMILE?  IT SUCKS!!  YOU CAN SEE WHERE YOU GOT THAT
} TOOTH CAPPED!  YOU CAN, TOO!  YOU CAN JUST FORGET ABOUT COMING BACK!
} YEAH, FINE!  RIGHT!  SEE IF I CARE!  YEAH, YOU JUST GET YOUR LAWYER!
} STUPID RABBIT!  WHO GOT YOU THE WARNER BROTHERS GIG?  WHO GOT YOU A LEAD
} WITH ELMER FUDD?  WHO GOT YOU DAFFY?  IT WAS ME, BUGS!  I DID IT!  YOU'D
} JUST BE ANOTHER SMART-ASS NO-TALENT RABBIT MUNCHING GRASS AND DODGING
} HUNTERS IN HICKSVILLE IF IT WEREN'T FOR ME!  I GOT YOU THE DANCE
} LESSONS!  I GOT YOU THE ELOCUTION TUTOR!  FINE!  YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT
} ME, I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU!  DO YOUR OWN DAMN CARTOONS!  GET YOUR OWN
} DAMN AGENT, I JUST DON'T CARE ANY MORE!  ...  GOOD-BYE!!!!
}
} ...  stupid rabbit.  [sound of drink being poured]


131-07    (24203 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most magnificent and merciful majesty, master of the universe,
> protector of the meek, whose nose we are not worthy to pick and whose
> faeces are an untrammelled delight, and whose peacocks keep us awake all
> hours of the night with their noisy lovemaking, we beseech thee, tell
> thy humble servents the name of the section between the triglyphs in the
> frieze section of a classical Dorian entablature.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Being a merciful, majestic, protective, holy-nosed, delightfully-shitted
} rutting peacock owner, the mighty Oracle is naturally an enthusiast for
} Ancient Greek architecture.  Therefore, the Oracle has decided to tell
} you (although this is strictly classified information - I don't know how
} those Encylcopaedia people got hold of it) that the sections in question
} are called metopes.


131-08    (22430 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, could you please tell me whatever happened to Jimmy
> Hoffa?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jimmy Hoffa's a pillar of the community in the San Fransico Bay bridge
} -- no really -- they found when they scraped the makeup off of Tammy
} Faye.


131-09    (12134 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         The March 5th edition of BusinessWeek asserts that an IBM
> researcher has created a computer model of the human brain that
> spontaneously emits brainwaves, a behavior he did not program into the
> system.
>
>         Did you have anything to do with this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} i do not spontaneously emit brainwaves.
}
} do not concern yourself about brainwaves, tidal bores, or other
} unexpected phenomena.
}
} they are not the result of martians disrupting terrestrial circumstances
} in preparation for invading.
}
} we repeat, the martians are *not* invading.
}
} they are not planting strange stories in businessweek to drive the stock
} market to collapse to demoralize america's most loyal and strongest
} sector.
}
} they have not captured the oracle's mailfeed to deprive the planet of
} its greatest source of wisdom.
}
} they are not launching a gigantic space mollusc twenty-five miles in
} diameter towards the earth.
}
} they are not related to bigfoot
}
} they did not cause ivana to divorce donald.
}
} they did not inject subliminal messages and chemicals into the
} atmosphere to cause the election of george bush and dan quayle.
}
} they are not responsible for the five hundred foot tall gerbil that
} ravished new orleans late last night.
}
} they will not cause a mutant cantaloupe to attack the u. s. marine
} base in iowa city, iowa.
}
} they are not planning to genetically engineer a mutant teenage virus
} which causes vast expansion of the human nose and ears, thereby
} rendering it impossible for human space knights to put on the helmets of
} their space suits, and thereby rendering them incapable of thwarting the
} upcoming martian invasion.
}
} there is no upcoming martian invasion.
}
} they are not at this very moment releasing godwhongula, a gigantic
} snow-breathing water buffalo, with orders to destroy tokyo city.
}
} they did not beam mental commands to henry kissinger compelling him to
} don a tutu and perform in verdi's great opera "don giovanni."
}
} they did not cause the formation of the unarius foundation and the other
} religions which are based on the premise that saviours will land on the
} earth in flying saucers.
}
} they are not building flying saucers to the specifications of the
} unarius foundation and other ufo religions.
}
} they did not hire the mole people to dig a vast network of tunnels under
} duluth, and at the proper moment in the invasion collapse the entire
} traffic system of that hapless city.
}
} they did not insert microchips into justice scalia's brain which will
} cause him to declare that resistance to the martian invasion is
} unconstitutional.
}
} they did not invent instant microwave cake, and did not fill it with
} chemicals which deteriorate the mind and psyche of the eater.
}
} all of these things are false.
}
} the martians are not planning to invade
}
} also the rumor that the martians cannot use the shift key is completely
} false.
}
} besides even if they could not touch the shift key the martian ministry
} in charge of invading earth is rich enough to afford keyboards with
} capital keys on it.
}
} even in the subdivision of usenet propeganda.
}
} especially in the subdivision of usenet propeganda.
}
} the subdivision of usenet propeganda is extremely important.
}
} the eventual success of the invasion depends crucially on the
} subdivision of usenet propeganda.
}
} not that there is an invasion planned for now or any time in the future
} of course.
}
} but you should write to the ministry of invasion and ask them to
} contribute more for equipment to the subdivision of usenet propeganda,
} just so that the martian invasion plan is not exposed by the use of
} clumsily forged messages on usenet.
}
} not that there is an martian invasion plan to expose of course.
}
} you owe the oracle the earth's complete and unconditional surrender to
} the martian subdivision of usenet propeganda.
}
} if you don't pay up then they might come and take away our last
} remaining comfortable chair.
}
} so hurry.  it's very important.
}
} the fate of the earth depends on it.
}
} (hey!  i came up with an oracular statement after all!  now let's see
} them deny me that keyboard!)


131-10    (02234 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr.  Oracle,
>
>    We regret to inform you that the Bank East of North America has gone
> bankrupt.  We wish to thank you, however for your patronage and hope
> that the slight problem will not cause you to lose faith in the American
> banking system.  Your balance at the time of the closing of the bank was
> two hundred and seventy six billion three hundred and twenty one million
> four hundred and two thousand eight hundred and fifty nine dollars and
> thirty three cents.  As you know, of course, the bank was an FDIC backed
> bank which means it was federally insured up to one hundred thousand
> dollars.  Within a few days, you will be receiving a federally certified
> check for one hundred thousand dollars.  We also wish to remind you that
> your earnings deposited in the year 1989 plus the interest your account
> bore for that year exceed one hundred and forty two million dollars.
> You will be responsible for the payment of taxes of roughly thiry five
> percent of that income.  Also note, that since the bank closed up
> earlier this week, you can not use the loss of the balance of your
> account as a deduction for last year's income.  You will however be able
> to use it as a deduction for next year's taxes as long as you are able
> to pay this year's taxes on time.  Have a nice day Mr.  Oracle
>
>                                       Joe Nathan
>
>                                       (Ex) Vice President
>                                       Bank East Of North America

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, thank you!  You have a nice day, too!  (smiles a sweet smile while
} dusting off the Oracle's personal supply of nuclear weapons)


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