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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle Most Penetrating, > > If the Undead can't be seen in mirrors how do they brush their teeth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jeezuz, I never thought of that!  And the blind, they can't } brush their teeth either.  And if the lights go out while you } are brushing your teeth, you swallow your toothbrush, every time. } How could I have been so dumb as to overlook all that? } } You owe the Oracle that new kit for adding Braille identification } to the teeth of the Undead, and also a recording of the song } Zombies & Werewolves: "Voyez-vous des zombie la!  Les zombies et } des loups-garoux..."

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The cup of Oracle Knowledge is sweetest at the brim, the flavor is > impaired if we stare at it with jaundiced eye, looking for our own > reflections, and yet we struggle when it is taken from our lips. > > What will the upcoming Spring be like as far as the undead are > concerned?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well I just happen to have a copy of the "Old Necromancers' Almanac" } handy so lets see what it has to say. } } * Spring rains promote mold and rot. It is best not to raise any }    flesh eating zombies if it has rained since the new moon. } } * Fresh garlic hung from the rafters will stop inappropriate entry }    by vampires. Be sure to keep your doorframes clean lest they }    become irritated and refuse to work for you. } } * Spring is a time for flowers. No better way to lure a young virgin to }    be your sacrifice then a bunch of wild flowers. } } * Lycanthrope mating season runs from the full moon of February to the }    full moon of March. If you want to keep your sacrifices virginal }    keep them indoors after dark. } } * Carry a silver tipped staff in your travels. The dog trying to hump }    your leg may be more then it seems. } } Sure it is a bit on the folksy side, but you don't need to be all evil } and darkness to be a good necromancer.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, > > Where do old jokes go to die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The internet.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I like the googly eyes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: If you like his eyes, you'll love his stand-up... } } [ The Great Hall of Moria, The Black Pit, at the height of }   the Orc occupation. A great mass of orcs & the occasional }   cave troll are assembled before a low platform of obsidian. }   On it stands an immense goblin with a whip & a microphone.] } } Big Goblin: Quiet! Quiet now. We're ready to start. } } [ A light shines down on the big goblin, an ORChestra plays. ] } } Big Goblin: And to cap off this fine Balrogmas Eve. . . }             He was held over in Mordor, he was a hit in }             Gundabad, the one, the only, the funniest }             fish eater in Middle Earth. . . Gollum! } } [ Gollum hops on to stage. ] } } Gollum: Thankes youes, thankes youes. Youes knowsss a funnies }         thingssss happened to me on the wayss into Moria, I }         was swimminges after after fishes out in the Sirannon }         River and ranssss into a wall. "Dam!" } } [ Dead silence from the crowd. ] } } Gollum: Where do Orcses keepes their Armies? }         In their Sleeveies! } } [ Crowd laughs raucously. ] } } Gollum: Whates kind of Orcesss are in hamsss sandwiches? }         Porc! } } [ Crowd looks confused. ] } } Gollum: Whatsss do you throwsss to a drowning Mansss? }         Hissss wivesss and kidssss. } } [ Crowd stands and applauds loudly. ] } } Gollum: Whatssss the Hotessst Toy in Aman? }         A Tickle Me Ulmo! } } [ Crowd boos. ] } } Gollum: Gandalf got his staff lopped off by his wife, now }         they callsss himsss, John Hobbit! } } [ Much hooting and laughter. ] } } Gollum: What didsss The Pink Pantherss saysss after chopping }         Treebeard into kindling? }         Dead ent, dead ent, dead ent dead ent dead ent dead }         ent dead ent! } } [ Crowd moans. ] } } Gollum: Knock knock! } } Assembled Orcs: Who is there? } } Gollum: Ivegotta. } } Assembled Orcs: Ivegotta who? } } Gollum: Ivegotta Saruon my skinny butt that looks like }         the Red Eye! } } [ Crowd gasps. Then starts throwing new world vegetables }   at Gollum and booing. A riot breaks out, much enjoyed }   by all in attendance. ] } } Gollum: I'll be appearing at Cirith Ungol this Spring! }         You've been a preciousssss Audiencessss. } } [ fade to blackness ]

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, mutineer of Hornblowers, if the old peace saying of "Make > Love Not War" holds true, then why oh why didn't I score at the peace > rally last weekend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   |                                          | }   |  Ten Reasons it's Next to Impossible to  | }  /|\       Score at a Peace Rally           /|\ } } 10. After all that marching everyone has, ironically, }     achieved French-like levels of body odor. } } 09. Hours of ranting against 'missiles' makes the }     desire of seeing one, no matter how small, up }     close unappetizing. } } 08. Participants all want to rush home and type up }     the day's experience in their blogs. "Helped }     topple Imperialist Running Dogs Today" sounds }     hip and may impress Bono if he reads it, while }     "Met a cute guy" will not. } } 07. All relationships are vestiges of Judeo-Christian }     moral dictatorship that hamper the working class }     from breaking the chains of compulsory consumerism }     and forging a new dialectic of Neo-Marxist thought! } } 06. Everyone worried everyone else is a Homeland Security }     mole. } } 05. If they took you home you might see their SUV in the }     driveway, big screen TV in the den, and refrigerator }     full of steak and beer and think they are a hypocrite. } } 04. They're really only there for the excellent workout }     one gets from hours of marching and screaming. } } 03. Have embarrassing American Flag Tattoo on right t*t. } } 02. The paymaster from Iraqi won't hand them their check }     for the day's work if they have a stranger in tow. } } 01. They're saving themselves for the hunk GIs when they }     return from The War. } }                   ---------------- } } You owe the Oracle a bag of fries.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most popular and dexterous, > > Duane seems mostly like a normal dog, but with just > enough intelligence to ask some awkward questions. > > How should I deal with this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, } } it seems like just yesterday that the Oracle's own dog } was content to chase woodchucks rather than ask } questions about them.  Treasure these moments of } innocent inquisition my friend.  In no time, Duane } will stop coming to you for advice.  Without your } loving input at this vulnerable time in his } adolescence, Duane might stop coming to you at all, } even when you call.  He'll hang around with the wrong } pack, hit the rawhide a little hard, and find himself } a new bitch every weekend. } } If I were Duane's owner, I'd take Duane on a nice } drive, spend some time together.  And sometime during } the drive, maybe when he hangs his head out the window } and gives a little bark to some hot Sharpei passing } by, I'd tell him the same thing I told Mr. Peabody. } "Duane," I'd say.  "I know you're going through some } changes.  I know the only reason you bite the } mailman's leg is because you're....interested...in the } leg.  That's perfectly natural.  You might also start } losing interest in chasing and licking your tail, and } start focusing in on...other areas...  That's natural } too.  And I just want you to know that..." } } and then I'd have to stop talking because I'd have } reached the parking lot for the vet, just in time to } drop off the little varmint to get neutered.  And that } should take care of all the embarassment! } } You owe the Oracle one Wayback Machine.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most angrily reasonable and actively nonchalant, > > What should I buy the dragon for its birthday?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Dragon is a wily beast whose scruples extend only as far as the } next meal. Why or how you came into a position to befriend such a beast } is beyond the comprehension of even the greatest Oracle seers. However, } to answer the question of what to give this terrible monstrosity on } its day of birth is relatively simple. } } Dragons love two things above all else: virgins and gold. Your typical } dragon must prove himself first by amassing a large enough pile of } gold to sit upon, and by capturing and devouring one hundred virgins. } In the old days, this was easy; virtues were in vogue and gold was in } the currency; coinage and maidens fulfilled the dragon's irrational } hunger for his two loves. } } However, the 21st century dragon finds himself having to resort to } more and more dangerous endeavors in order to acquire gold: either } through governments or through hip-hop stars. As for virgins, the diet } of the common dragon becomes less and less healthy as his virtuous } snack's wrappers, once diaphanous gowns and pointed silk hats, more } often become soda- stained, unwashed jeans and "FRODO LIVES" t-shirts. } } In short, to truly appease this dragon for his sacred day-of-birth, } find him no less than ten (10) kilos of 24k gold, along with a virgin } whose hair is grease-free and who doesn't own Spock ears.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most glorious oracle. How will I make my fortune?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's take a look at what you've tried so far: } } * Patent medicine } } Result: run out of town because arthritic octogenarians were getting } sloshed. } } * Real estate speculation } } Result: turns out gold is not abundant in mosquito-infested swampland. } } * Cattle rustling } } Result: lucky to escape with hide intact. } } * Gold digging } } Result: signed a prenuptial agreement; got nothing. } } * Dot com company } } Result: SEC investigation. } } * Put life-savings on Lucky Girl to win in the eighth } } Result: Bad Attitude: win, Lucky Girl: place, Tax Refund: show } } * Pyramid scheme } } Result: FBI investigation. } } * Ebay auctions } } Result: nobody wants bottle-cap collection. } } Ok.  So it doesn't look like you've been very successful so far. } Alright, what are you trying now? } } * Ask The Internet Oracle advice } } Result: Oracle offers a sure-fire, get-rich-quick idea. } } You owe the Oracle $1,000,000.  I'll get back to you once I've got the } cash.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who's I/O port puts fear into the Tech Support girls: > Do you remember where you were when you heard that Bambi's mother had > been shot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course I remember, I'm omniscient. I know all, and see } all except for telemarketers and those pesky door-to-door } magazine salemen. I've got staff for that and frankly I'm } not above using it. Why just the other... } } > > Mr. Oracle, please answer the question at hand. } } Ah, right, the question... } } > Do you remember where you were when you heard that Bambi's } > mother had been shot? } } Of course I remember. I was with Zad.. No wait, sorry I was } with Lisa engagued in very private matters. } } > You were? } } Yes, and not just because she can't be called to testify } against me, either. } } > I see. And you weren't out walking through the woods } > that evening. } } No.. no.. I wasn't.. } } > Then would you please describe for the court who the } > individual is in this picture? } } What!? I... ooh.. errr... uhm... } } > So is this a picture of you? } } No comment. } } > Ah, so it is you stalking Mrs. Mortstag! With your rifle } > slung under your arm. } } That's not a rifle you dolt, it's.. } } > It's what Mr. Oracle? What do you have in that long box? } } Roses. Long stem roses. And if you must know that other } box has candied clover in it. } } >                  {mumble, murmur, rutabaga} } } Oh get your minds out of the gutter. Look, I was just } dropping by to find out how she was handling rehab. } } > rehab? } } Yes, she got busted a few months prior for passing } out a few herbs that weren't exactly native to the } local forest. Turns out that some of the other female } deer didn't take too well to having one of their own } suddenly turn state's witness. They paid off the } hunter to whack her. } } > > > > You lying pig! I'll get you! } } No problem, deery, drop by any time. I love venison. } } > I see... } } > > Any further questions from the defense? } } > No your honor. } } > > Thank you Mr. Oracle, you may stand down. } } END TRANSCRIPT } } You owe the Oracle the first season of the Sopran-does.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will you marry me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure! Let's set a date and register our china pattern. } } Oh, wait: there's just one thing. You have to prove you love me. } A single rose and a good kiss ought to cover that. Then we can get } married. } } Oops, I forgot again. You have to prove that you're ready to } get married.  No big deal, just come with me to a topless beach } during Spring Break and keep eye contact with me 100% of the time. } Piece of cake. That, the rose and kiss thing, and we're married. } } Boy, I just don't know where my head is today. You also need to prove } that you're grown up enough to pull your weight in my household. } Be a dear and scrub the toilets, dust the venetian blinds, wax the } garage floor and comb the shag carpet. Then we go to the beach, } then we kiss while I get a flower, then the wedding bells ring. } } Wait -- wait, no, I really should write these things down. You ALSO } need to prove that you can support me in the manner to which I'm } accustomed.  Here's my shopping list. Have it all on the porch } by sunrise tomorrow.  No, that says twenty-four karat. No, Fannie } Mae is not an acceptable replacement for Godiva. No substitutions. } Get all that done, then the cleaning stuff, then the beach, then a } kiss and a rose, and I can almost hear "Here comes the bride" playing. } } Gee, I keep thinking I'm done, and then more crops up. You also need } to talk to me about your feelings, tell me about a childhood memory so } painful that it makes you cry, give me a good snuggle for no reason } when I least expect it, spend a whole weekend shopping with me, stop } the car and ask for directions, let ME have sole custody of the remote } control for the entire NCAA tournament, listen to me rant about my day } without making a SINGLE SUGGESTION about how to solve my problems, and } stand by nodding and smiling while I get my long hair cut off short. } } Oh, and you have to meet with the approval of all my friends. } } And get me a puppy. You feed, bathe, clean up after, and otherwise } maintain it. But fix it so it bonds just to me and cuddles with me } all the time. } } That, blah-blah-blah, and the rose and kiss, and THEN I'll marry you. } } See what your friends are talking about when they say, "My wedding's } coming up, and there's just so much to DO!" Never in your wildest } dreams imagined, did you? } } You owe the Oracle a bouquet of flowers carved from finest Godiva } chocolate. Be a dear and put "Attention: Lisa" on the mailing label.