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Internet Oracularities #1313

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Internet Oracularities #1313    (58 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 13 Mar 2003 16:07:15 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1313
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1313  58 votes 7cjd7 08rh6 1gem5 5ffcb 6cnc5 8qe82 12hpd 4aqe4 35hna 11inf
1313  3.3 mean  3.0   3.4   3.2   3.2   3.0   2.5   3.8   3.1   3.6   3.9


1313-01    (7cjd7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wonderful Oracle, who is the most amazing thing I have ever seen,
>
> How can you tell when a supplicant is being insincere?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When he says things like "The last thing I want to do is go to war; I'm
} still hoping we can resolve this without resorting to violence." while
} simultaneously deploying over 200,000 troops halfway across the globe.
}
} You owe the Oracle:
}
} Your vote in the 2004 Presidential election.


1313-02    (08rh6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and pointy-haired Oracle, whose merest interoffice memo
> leverages the synergy of rightsizing throughout the enterprise,
>
> Why do the suits always hang pictures of racing scull crews on the
> walls?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To the common riff-raff (that's you) the image of racing scull crews
} symbolizes teamwork. To the Upwardly Mobile Executive (the suits)
} it represents the importance of leadership to keep the crew going in
} the right direction. For those few at the very top of the executive
} ladder, it represents the ability to sit on one's ass and let someone
} else do all the work that you take credit for.
}
} You owe the Oracle some pictures that show priests working during
} their lunch break. Oh, and see if you can find one that will inspire
} Tim Chew to do something about his hair.


1313-03    (1gem5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Ingenious Oracle your are a fire-hose of information washing
> fools off the streets and putting out raging lunatic fringe ideas.
> You are like a red truck with a spotted dog on it rushing to our
> aid. Gee golly, you are swell!
>
> What should I serve for food at my Spring Break party?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you still have money left to buy food then you need to
} make another trip to the liquor store.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of vodka.


1313-04    (5ffcb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle whose server has never been hacked,
>
> wHY d035 +Yp1ng l1K3 tH15 m4Ke j0o 4 gr34+ h4x0R?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1t D0n'T.


1313-05    (6cnc5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh greatest of Oracles,
>
> Why are they trying to ban Ephedra?  How will I stay awake to study
> now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's fairly simple - they're going to reintroduce the draft after the
} "War on Terror" finishes on Iraq and gets started on Iran, North Korea,
} Botswana and Belgium.  Since they need people who aren't in college,
} they're just trying to make it difficult for you to maintain your
} academic average.
}
} Close your eyes, bucko, and you may wake up in Brussels with a crazed
} EU bureaucrat hurling a copy of the latest Cheese Sanitation Directives
} at your head, and those buggers can kill!!
}
} You owe the Oracle a president who isn't doing his level best to make
} the world hate America.


1313-06    (8qe82 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You who speaks no falsehood,
>
> Does sending messages which make no use of symbol 20 of a, b, c and so
> on confer long life on he who sends such messages?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, sure, and stirring things into your coffee against the coriolis
} force of descent will make it taste better. Wearing a g-string under
} your pants will keep your cat out of the nip. Ironing your bra will
} keep aphids out of your tea. Adopting Frenzy will make your bullshit
} smell better.
}
} You owe the Oracle a comparison of political bullshit to the real
} McCoy.


1313-07    (12hpd dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello hello hello, what's all this then?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know, when you're asking "Who is that guy in the mirror?" it
} is time to get to know yourself better. To help in that regard
} the Oracle offers the following:
}
}          -- The Get to Know Thyself Quick Quiz --
}
} 1) Which of the following days, in your opinion, is most important?
}
}    a - April Fool's
}    b - Election Day
}    c - July 4th, 1947
}    d - pay day
}    e - St. Darwin Day
}
} 2) If your home caught on fire which of the following would you
}    try to save first?
}
}    a - box of cereal
}    b - computer
}    c - your photos of chupacabra
}    d - your life
}    e - camera so you take take pics of the event
}
} 3) Where would you like to spend a vacation?
}
}    a - Anywhere in California
}    b - Washington DC
}    c - Loch Ness
}    d - Finland
}    e - morgue
}
} 4) What are you wearing right now?
}
}    a - shorts, tee-shirt with cute saying on it
}    b - white button down collar shirt, tie
}    c - fatigues
}    d - black tee shirt, Levi's
}    e - saran wrap
}
} 5) Which animal would you most like to be reincarnated as?
}
}    a - loon
}    b - bee
}    c - yeti
}    d - camel
}    e - great white shark
}
} 6) Which of these are you -least- comfortable with in a work
}    situation?
}
}    a - policies against surfing at work
}    b - wishy-washy bosses
}    c - those secret cameras in the rest rooms
}    d - incompetence
}    e - rules
}
} 7) If things don't go your way how do you react?
}
}    a - whine
}    b - add names to your enemies list
}    c - point fingers
}    d - take a break, come back to problem later
}    e - single slug to back of the head
}
} 8) The last time you used the word 'love' what were you
}    discussing?
}
}    a - yourself
}    b - your country
}    c - Big Brother
}    d - tennis
}    e - backwards homophones
}
} 9) If you could read only one newsgroup and were restricted to
}    one of the below, which would you pick?
}
}    a - rec.humor.oracle.d
}    b - talk.politics.misc
}    c - alt.conspiracy
}    d - comp.lang.perl.misc
}    e - alt.tasteless
}
} 10) Who would you like to meet the most?
}
}    a - Lisa
}    b - Putin
}    c - A Grey
}    d - Torvalds
}    e - Manson, Charles or Marilyn, either one. . .
}
} Tally up your answers:
}
} If you mostly answered 'a' then:
}    You have a tenuous grasp on reality, the problem
}    is that you're aware of this and consider it a
}    strength. They have medications for this now a days.
}
} If you mostly answered 'b' then:
}    You like to be in the know and are keenly aware
}    of your surroundings, unfortunately you blend into
}    the surroundings. Go to the video store and rent
}    some films you've never heard of.
}
} If you mostly answered 'c' then:
}    We know where you live. Stop. Await further orders.
}
} If you mostly answered 'd' then:
}    You are logical and very smart, you need to go
}    outside every now and then when the sun is up
}    and/or start drinking lots of milk.
}
} If you mostly answered 'e' then:
}    You are the type of person your mother warned you
}    about, you're lots of fun at a party until the drinks
}    run out, then things can get ugly. Try and find a
}    legal hobby.
}
} You owe the Oracle an air tight alibi and a seal.


1313-08    (4aqe4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O gracious Oracle, with no beginning and no end, kind of like a circle
> (is that why Oracle starts with an O?)
>
> In nethack, I came across a statue of a yellow light. I fail to
> understand how a statue of a type of energy can exist.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OARP: The Oracle Automated Request Parser, version 0.8.3
} Copyright (c) 600000BC, 1985, 2003 Oracular Industries, Inc.
}
} Note: Beginning with version 0.8.1, remember to preface your
} queries with '?' (ex.: > ? load query).  Please see the file
} 'ReleaseNotes' for more details of changes in this version.
}
} > Login: oracle
} > Password: ************************
}
} > ? load query 'Qt9a4IQ.qry'
} Loaded.
}
} > ? extract questions
} Parsing file... done.
} Question marks found: 1
} Questions found: 1 (93%)
} Done.
}
} > ? show questions
} Questions found (estimated accuracy %):
}   1. "is that why Oracle starts with an O?" (93%)
} Done.
}
} > ? generate question 1 --responses 3
} Generating 3 responses to question #1... done.
} Listing responses to question #1:
}   1. How long have you believed that Oracle starts
}       with an O?
}   2. Is that a yellow traffic light in your pocket,
}       or are you just glad to see me?
}   3. Would you like to sign up for AOL 8.0? (Attach
}       25 free CDs to response)
} Done.
}
} > ? send response 2
} Sending response to listproc... done.
}
} > ? sign off
} Saving updated query 'Qt9a4IQ.qry'... done.
} Terminating connection to OARP server... done.
}
} You owe the Oracle a free upgrade to version 1.0,
} when it becomes available.


1313-09    (35hna dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
> My fancy capacitors
> Are not smart like you
>
> Please think about this
> Electronic Engineer's
> question with your brain.
>
> Why does my solder
> Cease to carry current soon
> After it has cooled?
>
> I thank you kindly
> For listening to my lame
> Haiku, sir. Bless you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Making a solder joint,
} Heat it up boldly.
} Using too little heat
} Leaves it all coldly.
}
} The joint must be hot and
} The solder must flow.
} 'Cause through rosin alone
} Milliamps will not go.
}
} For delicate parts
} A heat sink must sunk
} The excess heat off
} Or you'll just have junk.
}
} When it looks finished
} And you think it is set,
} Wait just a minute
} For you're not done yet.
}
} Disturb the joint now
} While it's still cooling off,
} You'll ruin the structure
} So don't even cough.
}
} Patience and care
} Are the soldering virtue.
} And don't touch that iron
} On the part that can hurt you.
}
} You owe the Oracle's Poetry Muse a round of applause.


1313-10    (11inf dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> I've heard it said that "if wishes were horses, beggars would ride"
>
> Now, if beggars got a bunch of horses, would they really ride, or would
> they just eat better?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's find out!
}
} [ Six months later... a major metropolitan area in the
}   American Northeast. Zadoc and the Oracle are walking
}   down a cold windswept street. ]
}
} Oracle: Six months ago we gave 100 beggars one horse
}         each. Now we're back to see how they fared.
}         Whoa! Zadoc you fool, watch where you step.
}
} [ Zadoc lifts up one of his feet and stares at it. ]
}
} Oracle: Spoor. We're close.
}
} [ Just then a little old lady comes running down
}   the street towards our two heroes. Ok. One hero
}   and his fool. ]
}
} Zadoc: I do say, that is passingly odd.
}
} [ A horse bearing a bum rounds the corner in pursuit
}   of the lady. ]
}
} Bum: Come on. Surely you can spare a dollar for some
}      clover for my nag?
}
} [ Horse and rider fly by. ]
}
} Oracle: Hmm.
}
} [ They cross the street to a park. ]
}
} Oracle: Oh dear. This is Not Good. Not Good at all.
}
} [ In the park they see horses passed out near paper
}   bags bearing bottles of screw cap wine. Horses
}   warming their hooves over a fire in an old barrel.
}   A horse in hot pants wanders over to the Oracle. ]
}
} Horse in hot pants: Want to horse around?
}
} Oracle: Nay.
}
} Horse in hot pants: Sure, but that will cost you extra.
}
} Zadoc: Wisest One, are we done here?
}
} Oracle: Sadly yes, it seems you can make a horse drink
}         after all.
}
} Horse in hot pants: Hey!
}
} [ fade to black ]


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