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Internet Oracularities #1314

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Internet Oracularities #1314    (62 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 23 Mar 2003 18:52:01 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1314
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1314  62 votes b9cjb 59rd8 1brf8 14mt6 pj873 anfd1 16hdp 7ti62 4flh5 29pfb
1314  3.1 mean  3.2   3.2   3.3   3.6   2.1   2.5   3.9   2.5   3.1   3.4


1314-01    (b9cjb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ok, maybe I've been drinking too much, but I can't remember - am I the
> oracle, or are you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm the Oracle.  You're the President, thanks to your buddies on the
} Supreme Court.  And shame on you for being drunk - again.
}
} Now, listen, while I have you in a receptive mood, there's three things
} to remember, George:
}
} - Firstly, no matter how stupid the public has been so far in buying
}   your bullshit about weapons of mass destruction, there's no way
}   they're going to accept that France exporting brie into the States is
}   a chemical attack.  Not even the really old and stinky kind.
}
} - Secondly, it's "Iraq" not "Iran" - yet -, "Weapons of Mass
}   Destruction" not "Weeping a Mass Distraction", and "the Axis of
}   Evil", not "the Axle of Elvis".
}
} - Lastly, Jenna's new found taste for the Indigo Girls and kd lang is
}   not a passing phase, if you get my drift.  You better not let the
}   conservative christian right find out.


1314-02    (59rd8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most diplomatically divine, is Tony Blair really in Bush's hip
> pocket?  Because on TV, he looks slightly too large for that.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
} All politicians are two dimensional, and thus, when viewed from the
} correct angle are flat, thus lending themselves to easy bending,
} folding, spindling, and mutilation (which, incidentally, is why they
} aren't allowed to be mailed by USPS). Television crews must be very
} careful with the cameras, in order not to spoil this marvelous effect
} which you see on your TV screen.
}
} You owe the Oracle a "par avion" sticker.


1314-03    (1brf8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, you are so wise and intelligent! You know the end from
> the beginning, which is useful when dealing with horses and other
> four-footed creatures!
>
> Spring will be arriving soon. We've all heard the bit about how "in
> Spring a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of love." But I don't
> qualify as a young man any more. So what does an old man's fancy turn
> to?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sleep. Beds have more than one function.


1314-04    (14mt6 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>      I have to decide, tomorrow, what I'm going to do with the rest of
> my life.  I've got five choices: television repairperson, flower
> arranger, sports mascot, proctologist, or programmer.
>
>     What do you recommend?
>                       Your supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} television repairperson
}       People now buy three new TV's instead of fixing the old one.
} flower arranger
}       The last flower arranger died in 1967.
} sports mascot
}       The Northeastern U. "Husky" is made of brass.  Are you?
} programmer
}       Vast hordes of them are now out of work.
} proctologist
}       The supply of customers is without limit.  The item in
}       question is indeed repairable, everyone has one, and
}       altogether too many people -are- one.


1314-05    (pj873 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most charming and worldly,
>
> Where will be the chic super cool place to take my girlfriend
> this Spring Break
>
> I want to get my reservations in ahead of time.
>
> Thanks!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Take her anywhere but Iraq.


1314-06    (anfd1 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's all this, then?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We have a broad, secret-court mandate to conduct warantless searches.
}
} You're not going to give us trouble, are you?
}
} You owe the Oracle your full and patriotic cooperation.


1314-07    (16hdp dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I suffer from dystypea, cuasing me occasoinally to reserve pairs
> of letters in wrods I am typing on my cmoputer.  Is there a crue?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ni a word?
}
} On.
}
} Dael with ti.
}
} If, at times, you aer typing some wrods
} And the wrods you are tyipng are coming out worng
} Then, whatever you od, make sure you don't try
} To cleverly rhyme and maek pu a snog.
}
} When dytsypea's there a song can be hrad;
} A peom's as bad, and at tmies can be wrose,
} So whatever you do, just stay far awya
} And don't even tyr to make up a vrese.
}
} Those alphabte letters will jump all around
} And act like a germlin is loose on your kyes.
} There's nothing to do, but just grin and baer it,
} Cause if you're rael lucyk you'll type out some sleaez.
}
} Then maek up a web page and use graet big fonst
} And soon your hit countre will go through the roof.
} People will think you'er some foreing scritp kiddie
} Who's doing his bset to be l33t and aloof.
}
} And soon you'll be famuos, your link will be posted,
} Your name will be known on the great meassge boards.
} And all fro the fact that you laerned how to live with
} Reversing some letters inisde of your wrods.
}
} You owe the Oracle oen copy of "Hokoed on Phoncis".


1314-08    (7ti62 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most graciously rueful and simply effulgent, friend to
> honesty and foe to crime, the Oracle is indeed one of a kind,
>
> Will the crazy child still be here after Easter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Easter, Shmeaster.  You should be thinking about Passover.


1314-09    (4flh5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the greater purpose of bellybutton lint?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, think about it. If it collected in next nearest hole
} to the bellybutton you'd have a lot of troubles. As it is,
} it's fairly benign.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dust free environment.


1314-10    (29pfb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Thou Oracle who is above the most Enronesque of Enrons,
>
> What will be the next major company to have the dirty dark secrets
> of its bookkeeping blown wide open?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Los Angeles (TIOnews) The Central Library continues to be rocked
} by allegations of book-keeping practices of the vilest sort.
} Early reports of deliberate mis-shelving of texts and the placing
} of random texts on shelves spine inwards began circulating in
} February. An audit has now turned up cases of books being shelved
} with used hamburger wrappers between the pages and copies of
} 'girlie' magazines inside of large reference books. Asked for
} comment head librarian Glenda Fluskey peered over her glasses,
} placed a finger to her lips and uttered a nearly inaudible,
} "Shh".
}
} You owe the Oracle the three of clubs.


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