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Internet Oracularities #1315

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Internet Oracularities #1315    (52 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 30 Mar 2003 16:07:23 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1315
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1315  52 votes 04jm7 5kg74 27hdd 77jc7 2edbc 03ol4 cj966 5dgb7 1ele2 04amg
1315  3.2 mean  3.6   2.7   3.5   3.1   3.3   3.5   2.5   3.0   3.0   4.0


1315-01    (04jm7 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oracle, your wisdom is like the sun shining atop a sea of dark storm
>  clouds full of angered rain and cranky bolts of lighting, your wit
>  like the foam of a huge wave hurling towards a small boat, an
>  albatross and a surfacing submarine in desperate need of fresh air.
>
>  What plant or animal would my extended family and I be wisest to adopt
>  as a totem? Should we seek to emulate the bending nature of bamboo?
>  The strength of the oak? The power of the tiger? The perseverance of
>  the common garden slug? The hidden nature of the vole? The rock
>  crushing grasp of lichen?
>
>  Thank you Wise One.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Consider the lesson of the octopus, oh Grasshopper.
}
} With its many tentacles, there is little within its natural realm that
} it cannot reach.
}
} With its many suckers, there is little it can reach that it cannot also
} grasp from any angle at all.
}
} With it's strong and hidden beak, there is little it can grasp that it
} cannot also isassemble and assimilate.
}
} With its eyes so much larger than its brain, there is little it cannot
} witness and yet remain innocent.
}
} With its lack of backbone, there is almost no hole too narrow for it to
} crawl into and hide in a crisis.
}
} Of course, it is ugly, slimy, and icky.   Nobody's perfect.


1315-02    (5kg74 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Iraq, Uraq, Weallraq for Iraq!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your sentiments are sensitive and kind-hearted, and your rhyme scheme
} is indeed groovy - if a little dated.... but you're demanding dessert
} before the entree.
}
} You owe the Oracle Araq of Saddam with a side of Freedom Fries.


1315-03    (27hdd dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Querido Oracle ma's listo,
>
> There is an FBI official in my bathroom, saying he's part of the war on
> terror. How do I get him out?
>
> Gracias,
> su supplicanto

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Flush.
}
} You owe the Oracle:
} A back issue of the Reader's Digest.


1315-04    (77jc7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise,
>
> Am I hungry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, you're Bulgaria.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mirror the size of Detroit.


1315-05    (2edbc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most savory and cultivated,
>
> If everyone uses a word wrong does that mean that they
> are all right and the dictionary is wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think the trouser of your quibble - the very epicentre of it's
} queasiness is a core mnemonic of many au jus professionals in today's
} ecclesiastical climax.
}
} I have to admonish that I fettle that you are not a noteworthy quack
} in the tidiest mature of the foam.
}
} Today's jargon extempulates beyond the initial mesmerising intended by
} our forefathers many mounds ago. A waddle today can meat any number of
} things, many, mummy, more than ever anti-histamine when our language
} was but an itty bauble.
}
} You owe the orange a complete (21 volume) Oxford English dicthomy


1315-06    (03ol4 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, whose powers of telepathy are so great that they
> can read my epic grovel from my brainwave patterns, thus sparing me
> the need of typing it here, please *ZOT!* me not, but tell me:
>
> If dolphins and chimpanzees are so smart, do they have their own
> Oracle?  Or do you serve them too?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look back through the collected digests, you'll see The Internet
} Oracle answers questions from all living, and at times even some
} unliving things as well.
}
} The only animal to have an Oracle of its very own is the common
} dairy cow. This has to do with a very weird bet between Juno and
} Zeus. This Oracle finds this pointless in the extreme, but, well,
} here, you decide for yourself:
}
} The Bovine Oracle has ruminated over your question deeply:
}
} > Moo?
}
} And in response, thus mooed the Bovine Oracle:
}
} > Moo.
}
} / Invariably followed by: /
}
} The Bovine Oracle has ruminated over your question deeply:
}
} > Moo?
}
} And in response, thus mooed the Bovine Oracle:
}
} > Moo.
}
} / And THEN, you guessed it /
}
} The Bovine Oracle has ruminated over your question deeply:
}
} > Moo?
}
} And in response, thus mooed the Bovine Oracle:
}
} > Moo.
}
} / Ten of those a week, come rain or shine /
}
} You owe the Oracle something besides some cheese.


1315-07    (cj966 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will amber go out with gabriel gonzales?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, but Saddam will go out with a bang.
}
} You owe The Oracle a promise not to let despotic dictators rule your
} country.


1315-08    (5dgb7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      He lit a cigarette with his magnifying glass to the sun, then
>  shut the sliding door of his mobile darkroom. Hell knows that dijital
>  cameras are smaller and the results are more manipulable, but that
>  was the point: credibility as well as stealth.
>      Stealth, because he was watching spooks typically paranoid if
>  not cautious, and they're easier to stomach when they're not finding
>  video bugs.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ---------------------------------------
} ~\> oarp
}
} OARP: The Oracle Automated Request Parser, version 0.8.4
} Copyright (c) 600000BC, 1985, 2003 Oracular Industries, Inc.
}
} Note: Beginning with version 0.8.1, remember to preface your
} queries with '?' (ex.: > ? load query).  Please see the file
} 'ReleaseNotes' for more details of changes in this version.
}
} > Login: oracle
} > Password: ************************
}
} > ? load query 'Q.daGVr.qry'
} Loaded.
}
} > ? extract questions
} Parsing file... done.
} Lines processed: 7
} Question marks found: 0
} Questions found: 0 (100%)
} Done.
}
} > ? show questions
} Questions found (estimated accuracy %):
} (No questions found.)
}
} > ? generate question 1 --responses 3
} Divide by zero error -- genresp.cpp, line 1283
} Dumping debug file Q.daGVr.dmp... done.
} Attempting application shutdown..
} Fatal error -- shutdown.h, line 391
} Attempting kernel shutdown..
} Fatal error -- shutdown.h, line 455
} Kernel corrupted; unable to process shutdown.
} Attempting system shutdown... done.
} Universe halted.
} ---------------------------------------
}
} Oh, dear.  Look what you've done now.
}
} Please try to be more thoughtful in the future, Supplicant, and
} include an actual *question* somewhere in your query.
}
} You owe the Oracle a free upgrade to version 1.0, when it becomes
} available.


1315-09    (1ele2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Answer me this, oh wisest of aroacle thou art;
>
> what should i have for tea tonight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see what you've tried of late:
}
} * pencil shavings
} * roasted cockroaches
} * Burnt toast scrapings
} * cement dust flavored with brine
}
} Hmm, look. Tell the jailer you're sorry you said she looks
} like a manatee in heat and maybe he'll get you back on regular
} rations. It's your only hope.
}
} You owe the Oracle a crude tattoo.


1315-10    (04amg dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wisest Oracle, you are charming and full of vigor,
>
> Does Santa Claus move his home every time the magnetic north
> pole of the Earth shifts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sigh.  Supplicants don't seem to be properly versed in the Scientific
} Method these days.  You've reversed the cause with the effect.  It's
} Santa's giant toy factory that causes the Earth's magnetic field in
} the first place.  He chose the Arctic Region so that he could cool his
} huge electric generators with ice water.  The factory moves because
} it's built on an ice flow.  Very simple really.
}
} Sualc Atnas, Santa's evil twin brother, is of course required to move
} his junk yard ever decade or so to keep it at the magnetic South Pole.
} He has always hated the "Jolly Old Elf", for that very reason.  It's
} not widely known, but Sualc is the guy who comes around on Christmas
} Day when everyone is taking a nap and breaks the toys of children,
} causing them to cry.  Sometimes, he follows behind Santa on Christmas
} Eve and swipes toys to take back to the Antarctic.
}
} You may be appalled by such a villain, but like vultures and dung
} beetles, he serves a useful purpose in the symphony of nature.  By
} slowly accumulating broken and stolen toys in his south pole junkyard,
} he is lowering the Earth's center of gravity, making it easier for
} Atlas to balance the globe on the back of the enormous tortoise.  Over
} time, that will reduce Atlas's need to see the chiropractor all the
} time, thus lowering medical costs for us all.
}
} You owe the Oracle another shot of tequila.  He feels another headache
} coming on.


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