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Internet Oracularities #1316

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Internet Oracularities #1316    (61 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 07 Apr 2003 10:36:17 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1316
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1316  61 votes 15nkc 39ll7 46gjg 7fbgc egn71 17pm6 1dik9 6agm7 13ro6 65kjb
1316  3.3 mean  3.6   3.3   3.6   3.2   2.4   3.4   3.4   3.2   3.5   3.4


1316-01    (15nkc dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, hopefully not simply the product, please humor me a drink
> from your well of omnipotence.
>
> I went on a job interview last week. Unknowingly until mid-way through
> the interview, the company wants me to spend 2 of every 8 weeks in
> Hawaii on their dime. I was interested in join the company before I
> knew, now I REALLY want to. However, I don't want to get my hopes up
> in case I don't get the offer.
>
> What do you foresee my future holding in terms of employment?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, this calls for a call. Simple investigative answering,
} done here to show others who may not be all-knowing how
} they too can Find Things Out.
}
} <ring-ring-ring>
}
} Voice: SacVics Inc. Cassandra speaking. How may I help
}        you?
}
} Oracle: Just what kind of services do you offer there?
}
} Voice: SacVics provides sacrificial victims of all kinds,
}        goats to geese. Doves to dogs. You need to bleed
}        it, we sell it to you and you don't even need to
}        feed it.
}
} Oracle: Hmm, how about humans?
}
} Voice: Oh no sir, that is strictly forbidden except in
}        the case of the religious exception provided by
}        the Supreme Court for Volcano Victims needed by
}        the Lavajava Tribal Council of Maui. Are you
}        calling about that position sir? If so we are
}        still interviewing.
}
} Oracle: Hmm, no, but thanks anyway. Mahalo.
}
} Voice: Aloha.


1316-02    (39ll7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle most yummy and sweet with sprinkles on top:
> What will the world be like once Switzerland wins the war?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shhh!  The Swiss are supposed to be neutral, remember?  One thing that
} will be different is that there will be a lot fewer "loose lips" if
} you know what I mean.  But since you already seem to know so much
} about the plot, here are the top ten things the Swiss will do once
} they rule the world:
}
} 10) All flags will be trimmed to be squares.
}
} 9) Official language: French, Italian, and German.  And English, and
}    Spanish.  Oh what the hell!  Speak any language you want.
}
} 8) All trains will be on time.  Or else!
}
} 7) Yodeling will be a required course in all schools.
}
} 6) Fashionable men will switch to lederhosen.
}
} 5) New public works projects to build mountains in all flatlands,
}    lower global temperatures, and drop snow from airplanes.  Ski North
}    Africa!
}
} 4) Hip hop brass bands!
}
} 3) Everest renamed to "Matterhorn of the Himalayas".
}
} 2) Heidi preempts the Super Bowl.
}
} 1) Hell freezes over; hot chocolate served.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Swiss cheese holes.


1316-03    (46gjg dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the big secret behind Multi level Marketing

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Hmmm. Others would have no doubt given you a
} hilarious story with many visions of times past and
} cool special effects. But alas, you have met an
} incarnation working on a very limited budget. Let us
} see, then, if we can still give you a worthy answer...
}
}  [Begin a series of signs drawn on cardboard with
} colored crayons:]
}
}  BUDGET ORACLE SOCK PUPPET THEATRE
}
}  PRESENTS...
}
}  MULTI-LEVEL MARKETING - THE KEY TO RICHES!!!
}
}  [Scene: A cut-out cardboard box used as a theatre
} with two sock puppets, JOE and FRANK. JOE is an
} average joe, and FRANK is dressed in what's supposed
} to represent an expensive suit.]
}
}  FRANK: Hey Joe! Say, I've just found the way to earn
} a whole lot of money! Wanna know what it is?
}
}  JOE: Sure I do...
}
}  FRANK: Just buy this horribly overpriced soap from
} me, and find five people to sell it to! Then they sell
} it on, and you'll get all the profits. You'll be rich
} in no time!
}
}  JOE: So this is like a p...
}
}  FRANK: *Don't say that word!* This may look like one
} of those evil schemes to get your money, but it's not!
} Trust me! You'll be very very rich!
}
}  JOE: Okay...
}
}  FRANK: Just give me the money and I'll send you the
} soap.
}
}  [JOE vanishes briefly, and comes up with some "play
} money" in his mouth. Somewhat akwardly, he hands this
} over to FRANK]
}
}  [A sign pops up, saying "sometime later...". The JOE
} puppet has been slightly rumpled. FRANK now has
} several bills of "play money" sewn to him.]
}
}  FRANK: Hey Joey! How's it going?
}
}  JOE: Very bad. The old lady next door is deaf, the
} lady below says she doesn't want any, her neighbor
} already has three *tons* of soap and no-one to give it
} to, and the guy above sick his dog on me when I tried.
}
}  FRANK: Aaaw, that's too bad! But don't worry! All you
} have to do is buy these incredibly expensive books on
} how to influence people, and you'll be selling all the
} soap you're getting from me in no time! In fact, I'll
} sell you some *more* soap right now, so you don't run
} out of it later!
}
}  JOE: Okay...
}
}  [JOEY gives FRANK more money.]
}
}  [The "sometime later..." sign returns. When it is
} gone, JOE looks like he's been stepped on several
} times, while FRANK is wearing a suit made of play
} money.]
}
}  JOE: I have a *ton* of soap in my house and I can't
} sell it to anyone! My wife left me! I gave you all my
} money, and I never got anything to show for it! This
} system is bogus!
}
}  FRANK: On the contrary, it works perfectly! You're
} the fifth sucker I got this month!
}
}  [FRANK exits with a laugh, leaving JOE to scrunch up
} his sock-puppet face and cry silently.]
}
}  [The sock puppets are withdrawn and the Oracle steps
} out from behind the box.]
}
}  And there you have it, supplicant. The big secret of
} Multi-Level Marketing is that people are idiots who
} will give you all their money if you promise to make
} them rich.
}
}  You owe the Oracle some better visual aids.


1316-04    (7fbgc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is it about working on instant messaging clients that makes their
> developers act like a bunch of snot-nosed-little-unix-weenies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The same thing that turns an intelligent, educated instant message user
} into an adolescent dork who cannot spell, type, or use proper
} punctuation.
}
} You owe the Oracle a smiley with an exclamation point up its ass.


1316-05    (egn71 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise one, riddle me this --
>
> What the hell was Rumsfeld thinking?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What the hell was Rumsfeld thinking when he did what? Since I don't
} know, I am going to give you a list of all the major events in
} Rumsfeld's life that I can think of:
}
} When he was born, in 1932: "coo! <cry> wahh <cry> babble <cry>"
} When he served in the U.S. Navy, 1953-1957: "I am going to
} defend my country by risking my life  to bomb the crap out of
} those Evil, No-Good Commies!"  While he served in Congress (House
} of Representatives), 1962-1969: "I am going to help my country by
} espousing an ultra-conservative ideology and declaring war on the Evil,
} No-Good Commies - oh wait, only the Senate can declare war!"
} While he was the Chairman of the Transition to the Presidency of
} Gerald Ford, 1974: "What exactly does a "chairman of the transition"
} do again?"  When he was appointed by President Bush as the Secretary
} of Defense, 2001: "Now I get to order a whole bunch of people to
} fight against the Evil, No-Good Commies ... wait, the Commies have
} been gone for 10 years, I'll have to find some other guys to go after"
} When he ordered the War against Iraq, 2003: "Finally! We found someone
} to go after! DEATH TO SADDAM! BOMB THEM TO HELL! (but we'll say it's
} for democracy, so no-one will complain, we hope)"


1316-06    (17pm6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If a glass half full is optimistic, and a galf half empty is
> pessimistic, then how are the following classified: 1)A glass less
> than half full; 2)a glas s more than half empty?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The glass less than half full is ambitious, always seeking to get a
} bit more out of life than he has; the glass more than half empty is a
} skeptic, and often laughs at the other glasses because they pay so
} much attention to pop psychology quizzes beginning "How full are you?"
}
} You owe the Oracle a glass that gets less empty the more one drinks
} from it.


1316-07    (1dik9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  do i have a chance with katie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, poor lovesick supplicant. The Oracle cannot advise you strongly
} enough against the dangers of falling in love. It is a disease which
} insinuates itself into the heart and soul, upsets the delicate chemical
} balances of the mind. Love moves mountains, love conquers the great
} divide, love is patient, love is kind, love reduces even the most
} cynical of men to grinning idiots (Leah!).
}
} It makes you to strange, strange things, supplicant. Not even the
} incarnations are immune to its power. For example, if you happened to
} be in love with a woman named Leah, you might compose an answer
} featuring her name prominently (Leah, Leah, Leah!) just in the hope
} that some kind priest would digest it. And that Leah would see it. And
} that seeing it would bring a smile to her face, the smile that you live
} only to bring. A tribute to your true Love in 7-bit ASCII, preserved on
} a server at the University of Indiana for all the world to see, the
} digital equivalent of writing her name in the sky.
}
} * heartfelt sigh *
}
} You owe the Oracle a chance with Leah.


1316-08    (6agm7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ?sdrawkca-ssab enog lla ti sah yhW

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} :em ot srucco rewsna lacigol ylno eht ,noitcelfer nopU
}
} .luos ruoy fo srorrim eht era yllaer seye ruoY
}
} .noitpircserp snel wen a elcarO eht ewo uoY


1316-09    (13ro6 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty and indefatigable Oracle,
>
> Why does my energy level decrease
> as the thesis deadline approaches?
> Wouldn't you think that the adrenaline
> and caffeine would have kicked in
> by now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Procrastination, Man's Most Loyal Emotion" might not have been
} the best topic. . .


1316-10    (65kjb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most mighty in programming, who can debug software that can't be
> written,
>
> What on Earth was I thinking when I selected this software package?
> Nothing works, and it appears to be by design.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me see...  Ah!  Here it is.  I happen to have the requirements
} document for that software package right here:
}
} Requirements
}
} 1 Email
}
} 1.1 Remove every rand(1000) line -- blame it on a system library
}
} 1.2 Re-arraign message body to be in standard "top-posting" format
}
} 1.3 Spam-filtering should move spam to the front of the INBOX  (to
} increase the odds that it is noticed)
}
} 1.4 Crashes when the word "Thanks" is included in a message -- blame
} it on the web browser
}
} 2 Address book
}
} 2.1 All contacts should be wiped out when the screen saver runs
}
} 2.2 Add a random Bcc to every message that includes the word "love"
} -- blame it on an oddity in C++
}
} 3 Spell check
}
} 3.1 Warn of "passive voice" whenever their is a "be" in the text
}
} 3.2 "hte" is a real word
}
} 3.3 The correct spelling of "lunch" is "booger"
}
} 4 General
}
} 4.1 Don't allow software to be un-installed (display the message:
} "File not found" when any attempt to un-install is made)
}
} 4.2 On exit, offer to sell the updated version
}
} 4.3 Search computer for credit card information to email to lead
} developer
}
} As you can see, you're wrong; the software works to spec.
}
} You owe the Oracle a burnt chicken.


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