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Internet Oracularities #1317

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Internet Oracularities #1317    (56 votes, 3.4 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 14 Apr 2003 08:44:34 -0500 (EST)

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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1317  56 votes 16gfi 29li6 49dci 256jo 2aggc 05jq6 7dif3 9cec9 4efg7 17jib
1317  3.4 mean  3.8   3.3   3.6   4.0   3.5   3.6   2.9   3.0   3.1   3.6


1317-01    (16gfi dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most chatty and ancient,
>
> What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that's a tricky one. You see, the Oracle's computer
} is a massively parallel array of sentient beings. That's right,
} you, and your sister, and the cockroach you stepped on
} this morning, and the funny little inhabitants of Antares III
} are nothing more or less than information processors.
} Some of you are big, dumb memory units (that explains
} your roommate) and some of you are quick, agile
} computation units (one of them sits next to you in
} Philosophy). You are all linked together through the
} Oracle's RumorNet transport system, which can actually
} move information at trans-luminal speeds. (If you doubt
} this, start a juicy rumor right now and see how long it
} takes to reach Lhasa, Tibet.)
}
} And what, you may ask, is the Oracle doing with this
} array? It is trying to derive, from first principles, where
} the hell that contact lens will go when it gets dropped
} tomorrow morning.
}
} Oh, and to answer your supplication, the newest download
} is Thomas Callahan, 6 pounds 8 ounces, installed at Lansing
} Michigan at 8:05 this morning. He's an 8Thz computation
} unit and cute as a button.
}
} You owe the Oracle twin processors.


1317-02    (29li6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  O Oreacle most aluminous, please answer this for me:
>
>  What is the worst geology pun ever?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Please don't ask questions like that.
} It's not gneiss.


1317-03    (49dci dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise,
>
> What would it feel like to not exist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It would feel like Madonna's chastity, Bush's honesty and Hussein's
} survival chances.  It would look like a humble US Senator, an efficient
} Microsoft product and a valid reason for invading Iraq.  It would smell
} like a fine smoke, the dung of a Yeti and a good cup of Russian coffee.
} It would sound like a good Steven Segal movie, a country music song
} worth listening to, and an informative White House press briefing.
}
} It would be carried by a man who understood women, in a dinosaur-hide
} briefcase, along with the Constitutional rights protected by the
} Patriot Act, Al Gore's charisma, and Dick Cheney's morality.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new world - I'm sick of the one we've got.


1317-04    (256jo dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise and astute,
>
> Why are some swords straight and other curved?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It all began nearly thousand years ago. Chen the Coppersmith was a
} skilled gan-tsik, or "maker of swords". He also made knives and daggers
} and shortswoods, but he was best known for his longsword: straight and
} heavy and sharp. It was the sword used by Dag the Warrior, the best
} swordsman in the city where Chen lived. Thus it was known as the
} Tsik-chor, for it was the "sword of warriors".
}
} Like most copper longswords, though, Chen's swords tended to break
} easily. The longer the sword, the more easily it would break. This
} saddened Chen. He decided to close himself in his smithy, accepting no
} customers, until he had found a way to make a sword that was longer
} than his longsword, but just as strong and durable.
}
} Eventually, after weeks of little sleep, no food, and only a sip of
} water each day, Chen emerged. "I have done it!" he shouted. He bore a
} sword that was different from other swords. The blade of the sword was
} not made from one simple piece of metal, but from many -- pounded
} together under great heat, angled one atop another, to produce a long,
} continuously curved blade. Where the pieces of metal were joined,
} hatchmarks could be seen running up and down the blade, glinting in the
} sunlight. "I shall call it the Tsik-Chen, he said -- "the sword of
} Chen".
}
} Now that the sword was complete, he knew what had to be done. He rushed
} to the Dag the Warrior. But Dag had been in many battles in his life,
} always with a straight sword. "I have trust in my sword," he said. "But
} I fear to lay down my life with this new and untested blade." This made
} Tski-Chen very sad, for he had worked so hard to create this sword.
}
} But this conversation was heard by Afuol the Merchant, a wily and
} clever trickster. He came later to Chen and told him that if Chen could
} produce for him three dozen swords in three months, then Afuol would
} buy them. Of course, Chen readily agreed, and Afuol paid him well.
}
} Afuol immediately began to spread the word of Chen's swords. But Afuol
} did not use Chen's name at all, calling it the Tsik-Ban, the
} hatchmarked blade. This way, buyers who heard his rumors would not know
} that it was Chen who created the swords. He also twisted the words he
} had overheard, saying that the blade with the hatchmarks was one that
} even caused Dag the Warrior to fear. When they heard this, sellers from
} miles around became interested in the sword that struck fear in Dag the
} Warrior's heart.
}
} Chen was displeased to hear of how Afuol spoke, but what was he to do?
} He had already made a deal with Afuol, and was honor bound to create
} nearly twoscore hatchmarked blades. Still, the words ate at Chen's
} heart, and he was unable to think clearly. Sword after sword was ruined
} at his hand, to foolish and simple mistakes. Soon, the three months
} were nearly passed, and Chen had only ten swords to show.
}
} But then Chen had a thought. He only promised to supply longer, curved,
} hatchmarked swords -- but made no promise that they be good swords, and
} strong swords. And none knew that Chen was the maker of the swords, so
} what had he to lose? He took six and thirty of his normal longswords,
} and began to rebeat them on the anvil. He drew them out, and bent the
} blades, and even cut into them hatched markings with a knife. Each step
} weakend them, but Afuol would not know, for Afuol was neither a
} swordsman nor a maker of swords.
}
} And so Chen delivered three dozen swords, and Afuol sold them. And
} those that bought them told of what poor swords they were, and few of
} them ever bought another thing from Afuol again, leaving him penniless.
} But when Chen offered to replace the poor swords with his own Tsi-Chen,
} he was hailed as a hero, and many saw the quality of his true
} workmanship.
}
} This story may or may not answer your question. But more importantly,
} it demonstrates several very important points:
}
}   1) You cannot teach an old Dag new Tsiks.
}   2) Afuol and his money are soon parted.
}   3) Don't count your Tsi-Chen before they're hatched.
}
} You owe the Oracle -- well, no. Actually, the Oracle owes you a sincere
} apology.


1317-05    (2aggc dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the speed of light so slow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If the quantum police catch its starship speeding again, it'll be
} forced to walk the Planck.


1317-06    (05jq6 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Oracle is the one true source of that which can not be
> trifled with,
>
> Why am I being moved to the lower level?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've been a good hobgoblin.  Our records show that you have repelled
} 34 adventurers with a total EXP of 12,334 points and reclaimed a total
} of 42,111 gold from them.  As any dungeon hack knows, the nastier
} monsters are always located on the lower levels, so to go along with
} your promotion we are providing you with a new Mean Nasty Sword and
} upping your diseased rat supply by 2 per day.  Hopefully you will
} continue to be a valuable monster and we can eventually promote you to
} a bodyguard of the Evil Wicked Dragon on level 5.


1317-07    (7dif3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle,
>
> How do members of a political party differ from soccer fans?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *** PRESENTING THE ORACLE SOCK PUPPET THEATRE ***
}
} Starring...
}
} Peter Politicus, a senior member of the
} Republican-Conservative-Democratic-Communist-
} Nazi-PseudoReligous-Grey Party
}
} Charlie Cheerhard, a fan of his local team
}
} Orrie - The Wise and All Knowing Oracle
} ------------------
}
} PETER: Hello, boys and girls!
}
} CHARLIE: Ah, bugger off, you load of little *CENSORED*
}
} ORRIE: Watch your language, Charlie. Now, we're here to explain to the
} little boys and girls why you two are different
}
} PETER: Well, as my party has always said - we're one with the people
}
} ORRIE: No they haven't
}
} PETER: Well, we've always supported the soccer fan community!
}
} ORRIE: No you haven't
}
} PETER: We're dedicated to wiping out the unpleasant aspects of the
} soccer fans
}
} ORRIE: No you're not. Don't make me ZOT you.
}
} PETER: We're a load of lying, conniving thieves who just want to exploit
} the public for our own gain?
}
} ORRIE: That's better.
}
} CHARLIE: And I'm so much better than that! I fight for a cause! I riot
} for a reason!
}
} ORRIE: You mean when one man kicks a ball between two posts, you have to
} go out and cause harm to your fellow man
}
} CHARLIE: Yeah, they don't support The Team.
}
} -----------------
}
} So, there you have it. The stereotypical politician is evil. The
} stereotypical soccer fan is just misguided.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the latest book "How not to generalise"
} by A. L. L. Cases


1317-08    (9cec9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Commendable Oracle, none is more deserving than you to have these
> 752 negotiable US government welfare checks in varying amounts that
> I stole from some mailboxes last mother's day, here they're yours...
>
> If might doesn't make right, what does?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mr. President, the Oracle is frankly offended
} that you would try to buy it off with a few
} looted checks. I mean, you're about to reward
} your country club buddies with a half-trillion
} dollar tax cut taken from widows, children, and
} veterans; and the best you could do for the
} Oracle was a few thousand in small checks?
}
} Fie on you, and after all I did for you in Florida.
}
} You owe the Oracle a regime change.


1317-09    (4efg7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  In the Oracular Humor System, the Oracle is represented by three
>  separate, yet equally important groups: The supplicants, who ask the
>  questions; the incarnations, who answer them; and the Priests, who
>  select the best oracularities.
>
>  These are their stories.
>
>  [DUB-DUM]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ A sparse 1950's office, in black and white. Behind a cheap
}   desk sits the Oracle wearing a fedora, a suit and way too
}   skinny tie. Before the desk stands oracle Priest Tom Chew,
}   his haircut no less hideous in black and white than color.
}   Next to Chew stands the Supplicant. ]
}
} Voice Over: This is my desk at Queue Central. The Tellme
}             Beat. This is where the public comes when they
}             have questions. I answer them. I am The Oracle.
}
} Chew: He's got a question.
}
} Orrie: He does, huh?
}
} Supplicant: Yeah, a question.
}
} Chew: He wants to ask it.
}
} Orrie: Well, then have him ask it.
}
} Supplicant: OK, I'll ask it.
}
} //////////////// screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech!!! ////////
}
} [ Everything comes to a halt, Priest Kendai wanders in from
}   off stage. ]
}
} Kendai: No, no, no! This will not do people! Way too Old
}         Hat. Way too Old School. People want action. People
}         demand the Now! The Cool! And LOTS OF COLOR! Let's
}         get this right! Retake!
}
} [ Scene: Ultra High Tech Loft full of chrome and computers,
}          huge picture windows look out on to an impossibly
}          blue bay. Jets and helicopters zip by. Almost every-
}          one is dressed in bright designer linen suits. The
}          Oracle, all in orange, is draped over a love seat
}          yakking into a cell phone. Chew is sipping a hot
}          cappuccino, he's wearing a baggy LA Laker's warm
}          up suit, thankfully on his head is some huge non-
}          descript floppy rave hat. The Supplicant is nearby
}          rocking to the latest indie hit pouring out of unseen
}          speakers as he plays a bootleg copy of DOOM III on
}          his Wi-Fi laptop. ]
}
} Orrie: Smack!
}
} Chew: Connected!
}
} Supplicant: Phraseology Central.
}
} [ All leap out the window and twist and turn in physics
}   defying manners a'la "The Matrix" and land in a jet
}   Hummer convertible below. ]
}
} Orrie: Catastrophic!
}
} Chew: Mesmerizing!
}
} Supplicant: Tortured by Love!
}
} [ A rocket propelled grenade attack on the trio ensues,
}   they counter attack in slow motion using ninja stars
}   and fruit roll ups in a weird product placement way.
}   A whole lot of explosions and gratuitous violence
}   later we find them all slumming at a Denny's sipping
}   bad coffee as a saxophone player in a clown suit
}   serenades them at their table. ]
}
} Kendai: Cut! Wow! Now that's art!
}                    -----------------
}
} You owe the Oracle an Oscar.


1317-10    (17jib dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> What kind of pets will be most popular after WWIII?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The top ten pets after WW3:
}
} 10. The cockroach.  These hardy little creatures can survive just about
} anything, up to and including nuclear holocaust.  As a result, many
} people have adopted these insects as pets, though not necessarily
} voluntarily.
}
} 9. The Geneco Geniedog(TM).  Trust no-one... except your genetically
} engineered guard dog that can smell an intruder from up to a mile away!
} (NOTE: Geneco is not responsible if Geniedog(TM) attacks, injures,
} and/or kills your friends, family, and/or you.)
}
} 8. The w**dch*ck.  Having started the war, the ROUS realized they needed
} some sort of disguise, to protect themselves in case anyone found out,
} and to make sure that nobody did.  Thus, domestication.  Within a few
} years, however, stupidity will have been permanently bred into them by
} fetching too many sticks.
}
} 7. The voices.  Radiation does things to you, you know?
}
} 6. The house cat.  Do you think they even noticed?
}
} 5. The slime mold.  Do you think they even noticed?
}
} 4. The pet rock.  Not so much nostalgia as it is availability.
}
} 3. The Infocorp Aipet(TM).  Affordable, and very slightly more
} companionable than a pet rock.  (Unfortunately, due to a wipe of
} Infocorp's main computers by an EMP during the war, the Aipet(TM) has
} currently enough brains to simulate a very dimwitted, parrot-like
} psychiatrist who doesn't know the language very well.  Infocorp never
} got around to fixing this because they found that people rather *liked*
} dimwitted, parrot-like psychiatrists who don't know the language very
} well.  This may also account for the high rate of mental disorders
} amoung the public.)
}
} 2. The computer mouse.  One can always pretend...
}
} And the number one pet after WW3:
}
} 1. The human.  By the time the aliens came the war had totally destroyed
} the human military.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question other than "How much shniv would a
} shnivflorp florp if a shnivflorp would shniv florp?"


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