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Internet Oracularities #1319

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Internet Oracularities #1319    (62 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 02 May 2003 08:59:28 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1319
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1319  62 votes 27wf6 1fkfb 5kkc5 19oia 9bjf8 2dgfg jif73 5lhd6 ikf72 8ffbd
1319  3.0 mean  3.3   3.3   2.9   3.4   3.0   3.5   2.3   2.9   2.3   3.1


1319-01    (27wf6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Clairvoyant Oracle most uncommon and wily, you are more wise
>  than all the world's talking heads and more witty than 75,000
>  spark plug gapping mechanics,
>
>  Is my body falling apart?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?"
} By Dr. Oracle
}
} Now that you're growing into a new phase
} of your life, you may be noticing some changes
} in your body. You might find these changes
} alarming or confusing, but they're just a natural
} part of you body's adapting to your new needs.
} Let's look at some of the changes:
}
} 1.  My weight shifts from upper body to middle belly.
}     Don't worry about this: your body is just
}     lowering its center of gravity to help
}     prevent falls.
}
} 2.  I can't read the fine print any more.
}     Your new role is to have the long-range vision,
}     so your eyes are shifting their focus away from
}     short-range things.
}
} 3.  All my hair is falling out!
}     Yes, but it's regrowing on your back.
}
} 4.  I can't - you know - do it as often every night.
}     That's because partner can no longer handle your
}     usual nine times per night. Try to get by on just
}     six times.
}
} 5.  I get these awful hot flashes.
}     That's just your body telling you that it really,
}     really wants to move to Florida.
}
} So don't fret about these changes: they're all part
} of the plan by our wonderful bodies to adapt us to
} our changing lives.
}
} You owe the Oracle a VD film.


1319-02    (1fkfb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that the Internet Oracle (tm)
> is the first application to run on the
> new NSA quantum computer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, actually they ran the XXX version o[ ** DELETED IN THE
}  INTEREST OF NATIONAL SECURITY -- YOUR SAFETY IS OUR ONLY
}  CONCERN --- THANK YOU FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING. HOMELAND
}  SECURITY COFFEE CUPS AND TEE SHIRTS NOW AVAILABLE AT:
}  http://www.darpa.mil/iao/  ** ]. But hey, they didn't ask
} me first.
}
} You owe the Oracle a [ NICE COFFEE CUP ].


1319-03    (5kkc5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Should I become a cave troll when I grow up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, an alt.cave troll.


1319-04    (19oia dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most full of nift,
> where can I get my accordion tuned?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh foolish supplicant, you don't
} need to pay to have this done, you
} can tune it yourself. Here are the
} simple steps:
}
} 1. First, you need to free up the
}    reeds from any gunk that is
}    binding them up, so give each
}    of them a generous squirt of
}    acetone.
}
} 2. Now to get the keys working freely,
}    you'll need to get them nice and
}    warm. The easiest way to do this
}    is to heat them up with a hair
}    drier set on High.
}
} 3. That *WHOOMPF* that you hear is the
}    absolutely perfect sound for an
}    accordion.
}
} You owe the Oracle a trip to Paris.


1319-05    (9bjf8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle wise and true, riddle me this:
>
> Will the Red Sox ever win the World Series? Is this the year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Whoops!  I just discovered this question and answer had been in the
} Outlook Express outbox for the last 85 years.  Hey, when you answer as
} many questions as I do, something's bound to fall through the cracks.
} -- TIO)
}
} Yes, this will be another superb year for the Red Stockings (sorry, I
} don't like the new, somewhat vulgar shortened form of the name that you
} used), as they take the pennant of the American League, and then defeat
} the Cubs of the National League in the World Series.  Add that to their
} World Champion titles earlier in this decade, and they will be known
} throughout history as the Team of the 1910s.
}
} By the way, their good fortune may even continue into the Twenties.  I
} am very impressed with certain future prospects for the Red Stockings.
} Keep an eye on one player in particular, a George H. Ruth.  He is a
} very good pitcher, but he is also an exceptionally good hitter, such
} that the team may have to make him a position player so that he can hit
} every day.  If they do that, I think he could hit as many as 30 home
} runs in a single season!  Needless to say, I predict that the Red
} Stockings will dominate the major leagues for as long as Mr. Ruth plays
} for the team.
}
} You owe the Oracle tickets to all future Red Stockings-Cubs World
} Series.


1319-06    (2dgfg dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle! Please take this antidote as my offer to your great
> majesty in hope you may answer my query.
>
> If I were to engineer a biological agent to neutralize the world's
> human population, what should it smell like?
>
> -Daemon the Evil Canadian Overlord (eh?)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hard work. Nothing repels humans better than a hint of that.


1319-07    (jif73 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh all mighty Oracle who's toe-jam I am not even fit to look at, much
> less lick, can you tell me where I can find information about DMP?
> Is there an FAQ I can turn to or something?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go ask in rhod.
}
} Asking about rhod regulars here makes as much sense as
} asking about the Oracle in rhod.


1319-08    (5lhd6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most Spiffy,
>
> Are lawyers really a separate species?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is a common misconception that lawyers (Homo Sapien Lex) are a
} separate species from Modern Man (Homo Sapien Sapien).
} Studies have demonstrated that they are capable of interbreeding with
} the rest of humanity - it's just that most humans avoid them like the
} plague.
} This may be explained by the higher than average risk that the
} offspring of such unions will be politicians (Homo Sapien Curia).
}
} Incarnated as MTPT


1319-09    (ikf72 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Which would make a more applicable pet, a dugout sprite
> or a reborn feline?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know, supplicant, this is the third
} time that this incarnation has seen this
} question come through the queue. That
} means that none of the other incarnations
} are willing to touch it, because it's
} just stupid: there's nothing that anyone
} can make of it. I'm answering it to put
} the poor thing out of its misery.
}
} You owe all of us incarnations some
} supplications with at least a little
} semantic content.


1319-10    (8ffbd dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> --part1_184.1a3a554e.2be0c433_boundary
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset="US-ASCII"
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
>
> Oracle, oracle on the net,
> on which baseball team do you care to bet?
>
> --part1_184.1a3a554e.2be0c433_boundary
> Content-Type: text/html; charset="US-ASCII"
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
>
> <HTML><FONT FACE=3Darial,helvetica><FONT  SIZE=3D2 FAMILY=3D"SANSSERIF"
> FACE=3D"Arial" LANG=3D"0">Oracle, oracle on the net,<BR>
> on which baseball team do you care to bet?</FONT></HTML>
>
> --part1_184.1a3a554e.2be0c433_boundary--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh gods, what a mess. Let's see,
} hmm..
} hmm..
} Yes, there seems to be a supplication
} down there somewhere.
}
} ZADOC! Get in here with the HTML shovel
} and clear all this crap away!
}
} There, that's better.
} Oh, that was worth while.
}
} Ahem...
}
}    The scene it wasn't rosy
}       for the Boston Sox that year.
}    The ownership was new and young
}       their mission less than clear.
}
}    And then when Epstein made GM
}       to take Duquette's old role,
}    the fans went out to drink and their
}       old agony console.
}
}    A few fans backed Toronto and
}       a few took Tampa Bay.
}    But the faithful stayed at Fenway
}       and looked for a brighter day.
}    They thought if only Nomar
}       could get up there at the plate,
}    They'd pay good money just to see
}       the Yankees meet their fate.
}
}   But Johnny Damon came up first,
}       and then Todd Walker hit.
}    And the leadoff man was cold as ice,
}       and helped them not a bit.
}    But Damon hit into the gap
}       and wound up taking two,
}    And Walker drew a walk and
}      took first base, so he came through.
}
}    Then from the serried Red Sox fans
}       there came a mighty shout.
}    It bounced off of the Monster and
}       it echoed all about.
}    It bounced off of the Citgo sign
}        that all the players hate,
}    For Nomar, mighty Nomar,
}       was advancing to the plate.
}
}    A twinkle came to Nomar's eye,
}       a smile was on his face.
}    He nodded to the umpire,
}       and calmly took his place.
}    He smiled down the third base line
}       and took his signal there,
}    And fixed the writhing pitcher
}       with the full force of his glare.
}
}    He tugs his gloves upon his hands
}       and digs his toes in deep.
}    and hawks a wad at Clemens
}       who went to the Yanks, the creep.
}    Now Rocket Roger holds the ball,
}       and now it's coming fast,
}    And Nomar turns upon it
}       and lets loose an awful blast.
}
}    And there in Red Sox nation,
}       the fans rejoice and shout.
}    They throw their caps up in the air
}       and toss their beer about.
}    They yell and shout and whistle
}       and they make a might sound.
}    For Nomar's liner put the
}       Rocket's ass upon the ground.
}
} You owe the Bambino a sincere apology.


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