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Internet Oracularities #132

Goto:
132, 132-01, 132-02, 132-03, 132-04, 132-05, 132-06, 132-07, 132-08, 132-09, 132-10


Usenet Oracularities #132    (13 votes, 3.5 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 4 Mar 90 17:17:05 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu    or    {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine.  Back postings
are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192)
in the directory pub/oracle.  Let us know what you like!  Send your
ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 =
"very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg:
   100
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

132   13 votes 08500 10453 02344 00454 01174 04234 30451 03127 15520 00643
132   3.5 mean  2.4   3.7   3.8   4.0   4.1   3.5   3.1   4.0   2.6   3.8


132-01    (08500 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh vastly superior Oracle, of whose left parietal lobe I am not worthy
> to sing praise, whose collected writings would easily win favorable
> mention from any critic at the New York Review of Books, whose razor-
> sharp wit and stunning physique have won accolades from intellectuals
> and bimboes alike, and whose female ancestors, yea unto the seventh
> generation, have never even been in the same _room_ with a pair of
> combat boots,
>
>         How can I be as cool as you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ray-Ban sunglasses and a 2,000-pound credit limit on your Top Man
} Storecard.


132-02    (10453 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      DO YOU HAVE ANY OF CLIFFS NOTES?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In response to the question "Do I have any of Cliffs Notes?" I must
} make an interesting, poignant answer, comprising all the different
} concepts which much be addressed when examining this fascinating
} question.  It is important, when answering the question, "Do I have
} any of Cliffs Notes?" to refrain from delving into the question
} prematurely, but to pause and examine and genuflect on the different
} views and viewpoints regarding the having of Cliffs Notes.  When
} thinking of the answer to the question, I consider not one but all
} sides of the question.  I ... uh ... think carefully about the
} question of my ownership of these study materials and what effect
} these have or may have upon the Oracle as it exists today.  Umm ... I
} wonder whether the ownership of Cliffs Notes would be an ... uh ...
} asset to the Oracle as it stands, or would it be a ... uh ... a ...
} setback, yeah, setback ... umm ... hang on a second, would you?
}
} [riffle riffle riffle pause riffle riffle]
} [examining little yellow and black book]
}
} NO!  No.  That is the answer.  I, the Oracle, have "absolutely no
} Cliffs Notes.  The Oracle"--uh, that is, I--"refers to no such
} distillations of material in the answers to Its received questions."
}
} You owe the Oracle a number-two lead pencil and the answers to the
} upcoming SAT test.


132-03    (02344 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does it take the data center 4 days to add a UNIX user account?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because that's how long it takes.  You have a misconception of the
} amount of work that goes into adding a UNIX user account.  You think
} it's simply a matter of invoking a function and maybe making a note
} somewhere.  You think it should take five minutes.  You are wrong.  In
} fact, you are abysmally ignorant of the true process.
}
} Data Center Personnel (DCP) are highly trained professionals.  They know
} more than you do.  A lot more.  First they take your hand-written user
} account request (neatly printed, I hope) and carefully analyze your
} requested user name, searching carefully for hidden computer viruses and
} drugs.  Then, using a time-honored proceedure involving the sacrifice of
} small animals and spreading of entrails, they determine just where your
} user name fits in the alphabet.  (If your user name doesn't fit into the
} alphabet UNIX will choke and eat mail files and set bits at random.
} Nasty.)
}
} Now your request has to be tested for existance.  The DCP carefully
} looks away from your request application and tosses it on one of the
} many, many piles of requests.  Thus, having intentionally lost your
} request, they look for it again.  If they find the request, then it
} exists.  (Highly-trained.  Many years of study.)
}
} Only now can the DCP interface (DCPs love that word) with the UNIX
} monster and request that your account be created.  If the UNIX monster
} is sleeping, and it often is, the DCP will have to kick it to wake it
} up.  This is a non-trivial exercise, and should only be attempted by
} trained DCPs.
}
} And now the DCP is understandably exhausted.  Having treated your user
} account request with all the respect it deserves, the DCP takes a
} six-hour coffee break.
}
} Now you know.  Someday, you too may be a DCP, but don't bet on it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a large boot.


132-04    (00454 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  i am a woodchuck.  how i got hold of this terminal and account is of
> little consequence.  suffice to say it is easy for most wildlife to
> learn quickly about computers.  we simply nose up to the nearest plate
> glass window when a 'how to use computers' seminar is in progress.
> honestly, you humans are so silly.  we wild creatures do not fear
> machines like you do.  that is because we have been constantly
> threatened by them since the dawn of man, who by the way looks terrible
> without a decent coat of fur.
>
>  now, onto this degrading business about chucking wood.  we woodchucks
> do not chuck wood at all.  don't be ridiculous.  in the first place, we
> do not prefer the term woodchuck.  we normally use the french name
> 'objibwa'.  heaven forbid you people should ever distinguish species.
> how amusing to see you all crammed up against the glass in your bloated
> rv's saying 'look edward, there's a woodchuck', when you may be gawking
> at any one of a number of marmots of mountainous western north america.
>
>  the objiwa have, in the past, used small amounts of wood to form cheap
> and sturdy modular home units, which fetch a healthy price on the open
> market.  real estate is a tricky business however, and as of the last
> ten years, the objiwa have utilized their access to small amounts of
> wood to supply the electronics market.  take a good look at your stereo,
> see that wood panel on the front.  how about the case that holds your
> vhs tapes.  small amounts of wood are put into televisions, stereo
> speakers, you name it.  we have gotten quite rich and we are deeply
> insulted that you would think we would chuck this liquid asset as if we
> were stocking up on firewood.  don't piss us off or you'll be listening
> to your rock music through tissue paper.
>
>  j san objiwa
>  park ave penthouse
>  new york, new york 10011
>
> ps how many quayle make a dan quayle wail when a dan quayle wails on
> quayles
>
> there would be a question mark here if i had opposable thumbs.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dan Quayle wails when he falls off his chair,
}   He does that more or less everywhere.
} Now, how much wood could a wood-chuck chuck?
}   Tell me, then take a flying fuc^H^H^H I mean
}   Enough to fill a ten-tonne truck.


132-05    (01174 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me why the sun doth shine,
> Tell me why the ivy doth climb
> Tell me why the sky is blue,
> Then you may tell me just what I owe you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The sun doth shine because it's round,
} The ivy climbs to get away from the ground,
} The sky is blue because it eats too much salt,
} You owe the oracle a
}
} Segmentation fault


132-06    (04234 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Big O-
>
>         After reading xsome of your poetry in the Oracularities, I have
> come to the conclusion that you are either Dr.  Suess or a incredible
> simulation of the famous author.  Can you refute this accusation or at
> least clear up this misconception.
>
>                                         - A worshiper from afar

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer, my young friend, is clear.
} It's not Dr Seuss who's faked here.
}    The Oracle's pleasure
}    Is a five-lined measure,
} So it simulates old Edward Lear.
}
} (But when it's feeling brash,
} It pretends to be Ogden Nash.)
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a hat in a cat.
}
} PS:  The Oracle notes with displeasure that you sent this question more
} than once in identical mailings.  As a punishment, you will spend all
} day tomorrow as a slug.


132-07    (30451 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does a penis know which liquid to produce on any particular
> occasion?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It contains a highly sensitive porcelain-detecting antenna.


132-08    (03127 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear and wise Oracle, I fear for my academic career.  My Art History
> professor has assigned me a 20-page paper on the influence of Spam and
> Velveeta on Hellenic architecture.  I've read every book in the library
> on the Hellenic period, but nobody mentions anything like Spam or
> Velveeta.  Please, please tell me some references, or, better, give me
> the outlines of the paper.
>
> Thanks and kisses,
>   Alyssa Brown

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear and foolish Alyssa, never fear, Omni is here! (With his good friend
} Scient.) Here's your outline:
} I. Introduction
}  A. Introductory paragraph in its entirety follows (Guaranteed A here!)
}   "The influence of Spam and Velveeta on Hellenic architecture cannot be
}   denied. My reaction to being assigned this assignment which, as you
}   may remember, is an assignment to write a 20-page paper on the assign-
}   ed topic, the influence of Spam and Velveeta on Hellenic architecture,
}   the topic that was assigned to me, was `Wow! What an undeniable infl-
}   uence my assigned topics, Spam and Velveeta, had on Hellenic Arch-
}   itecture!'" (This prose style is going to give you 20 pages in about
}   two hours, after which you can go out and party.)
}  B. Follow-up paragraph in its entirety
}   "What an influence Spam and Velveeta had on Hellenic Architecture! *
}   Hellenic architecture was influenced by the influence of Spam and
}   Velveeta!
}   -----
}   * (FOOTNOTE) : Spam, in Greek, is of course spelled Spamos. Velveeta,
}   due to the frightening lack of v's in Greek, was spelled Welweeta, and
}   then Eleeta after digamma, the Greek W, just kind of folded up and
}   died one day. It went something like this:
}       Aristotle: `Why would we want whiskers?'
}       Plato: `Why wouldn't we want whiskers, wishy-washy wart?'
}       Socrates: `I can't play this game to save my life! The letter W,
}       also known in Greek as digamma, despite the fact that it looks
}       like two gammas about as much as sorority girls look like Greek
}       scholars, is now officially DEAD! Dies irae, dies illa!'
}       Plato: `Hat ill e do no?'
}   However, since this is not my topic, I will only devote the amount of
}   space I've already devoted to it to it. We will use the traditional
}   English spellings, which are once again, S-P-A-M (not Y-U-C-K), and
}   V-E-L-V-E-E-T-A (not O-R-G-A-S-M-I-C), for the rest of this paper."
}   (Triple-space this and you've got two pages already!)
}
} II. The influence of Spam on Hellenic architecture
}  A. The influence of Spam on Hellenic architecture - Columns
}   1. Doric
}   2. Ionic
}   3. The other one that nobody can ever remember
}    a. Footnote: No, they didn't write back, Paul got killed first!
}  B. The influence of Spam on Hellenic architecture - The Parthenon
}   1. The influence of Spam on Hellenic architecture - The Parthenon
}      - Columns
}    a. Doric
}    b. Ionic
}    c. The other one that nobody can ever remember
}     1. Cute joke about trying to say "Isthmus" with a lisp
}   2. The influence of Spam on Hellenic architecture - The Parthenon
}      - The Hill
}    a. The Parthenon is up on a hill
}    b. Up on a hill is where the Parthenon his
}    c. Notice the similarity!
}   3. The influence of Spam on Hellenic architecture - The Parthenon
}      - The Name
}    a. P is in both
}    b. a is in both! Looks like a pattern here!
}    c. m is kind of like two n's
}    d. s is short for rtheo
}    e. Add them up and what do you get?
}   4. The influence of Spam on Hellenic architecture - The Parthenon
}      - The Name,
}   Part Two
}    a. The word Parthenon comes from the word Athena
}    b. The word Athens comes from the word Athena
}    c. The Parthenon is in Athens
}    d. Wow!
}   5. The influence of Spam on Hellenic architecture - The Parthenon
}      - Texture
}    a. The Parthenon is hard as rock
}     1. Duh. The Parthenon is made from rock. Except for the new Spandex
}        wing.
}    b. Spam is as hard as rock
}     2. Duh. Spam is made from rock.
}    c. Wow!
}  C. The influence of Spam on Hellenic architecture - Everything else
}   1. The big horse they attacked Troy with
}    a. Spam is made of horses
}    b. Notice the similarity!
}   2. The pyramids of Egypt
}    a. The pyramids of Egypt date from 4000 B.C.
}    b. Each can of Spam dates from 4000 B.C.
}    c. Notice the similarity!
}    d. Footnote: "I know the pyramids of Egypt aren't Hellenic
}       architecture...
}    but the similarity was so compelling I couldn't pass it up!"
}
} II. The influence of Velveeta on Hellenic architecture
}  A. The influence of Velveeta on Hellenic architecture - Introduction
}   1. We'll talk about
}    a. Columns
}    b. The Parthenon
}  B. The influence of Velveeta on Hellenic architecture - Columns
}   1. Doric
}   2. Ionic
}   3. The other one that nobody can ever remember
}    a. It's time for a non sequitur in the paper here, just to wake the
}       prof up.
}    b. "Velveeta is ORGASMIC!"
}  C. The influence of Velveeta on Hellenic architecture - The Parthenon
}   1. The influence of Velveeta on Hellenic architecture - The Parthenon
}      - Introduction
}    a. We'll talk about
}     1. Columns
}     2. My high school Ancient History teacher
}     3. The Name
}   2. The influence of Velveeta on Hellenic architecture - The Parthenon
}      - Columns
}    a. Doric
}    b. Ionic
}    c. The other one that nobody can ever remember
}     1. "Of course, I can always remember it, because my high school
}        teacher for Ancient History was a DICK, and you just drop off the
}        last letter."
}   3. The influence of Velveeta on Hellenic architecture - The Parthenon
}      - The Name
}    a. Velveeeta, the way it's usually pronounced, has the same number of
}       letters as Parthenon!
}    b. Velveeta has the same number of syllables as The Parthenon!
}    c. Velveeta was invented first - post hoc est propter hoc!
}    d. Obvious influence and a possible Ph.D. thesis here!
}   4. The influence of Velveeta on Hellenic architecture - The Parthenon
}      - Summary
}    a. Recap of the introduction
}    b. Columns
}     1. "My high school Ancient History teacher really WAS a dick!
}         really!"
}    c. The Name
}  D. The influence of Velveeta on Hellenic architecture - Columns
}   a. Dork
}   b. Ironic
}   c. "Just checking to see if you were awake!"
}  E. The influence of Velveeta on Hellenic architecture - Summary
}   a. Columns
}   b. The Parthenon
}   c. Columns
}
} III. Summary
}  A. Columns
}   1. Spam
}   2. Velveeta
}  B. The Parthenon
}   1. Spam
}   2. Velveeta
}  C. "I forget what else I talked about."
}
} IV. Annotated Bibliography
}  A. Personal communication with the infamous trio of Ken Shadek, Ed
}     Rohrbaugh, and Dave Chung
}   1. Source of "Velveeta is ORGASMIC!"
}  B. Personal communication with The Oracle, omni@scient.parnassus.edu
}   1. Source of everything else
}
} V. Have a nice day!
}  A. Encourages your professor to grade favorably
}
} THE END
}
} YOU OWE THE ORACLE: Some Velveeta.


132-09    (15520 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do these people always pester me about semantics?  What do they
> think I am?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Well, We think that a proper answer to your short and simple query
} deserves a thorough and lengthy analysis in order to pin point just
} exactly what the reasons are that you are making this query to thusly
} figure out the precise understanding conveyed by the formation of the
} written query itself to then thereby yield to Us the definite nature of
} the response you expect to receive from Us.  Fortunate for you, with Our
} superior resources of manpower, state-of-art computing power and agents
} abroad, the analysis of just what you mean by your question as written
} and are looking for as an appropriate response has by the time I finish
} placing the period at the end of this sentance been completed.
}
}    And so, The meaningful answer to your two queries are as follows:
}
}        1) Green Grapes are more sexy than the other kinds.
}
}        and
}
}        2) Motor oil should be changed every 3000 miles at most.


132-10    (00643 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well, ok, will Dawn go out with me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   The Oracle regrets that due to recent changes in the
} Temporal Information Distribution Policy, the Oracle is
} unable to directly answer your question (TIDP 12.36.42.1, 12.36.44.8,
} 18.12.3.0, 486.10.73.2). Please rephrase and resubmit your
} question in a manner that does not conflict with regulations.
}
} ### MESSAGE FROM GOD@TRINITY.XTIAN.ORG ###
} I SEE YOU'RE LEARNING.
}
}  Uh, yes, I
}
} ### MESSAGE FROM GOD@TRINITY.XTIAN.ORG ###
} BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO ANSWER THE QUESTION.
}
}  But
}
} Message from kinzler@iuvax ...
} Do what god says, or I'll be forced to nice  you...
}
}  Uh, yes, ok.
}
}  Um.
}
}  You will find yourself going out with the Dawn one day about twelve
} years from now.  You will find yourself in a small, tropical country
} under martial law.  You will accidentally part your hair incorrectly one
} morning as the dictator-du-jour passes by, and be sentenced to being
} shot at the usual time of day.  Pulling out your penknife, you will
} feverishly cut through twelve meters of solid granite, tunneling out of
} your cell overnight, much to the guards' surprise and that of the
} inhabitants of the sewer you will accidentally tunnel into.  You will
} float out of the country's borders just as the sun rises.  Thus the
} answer to your question is Yes.
}
} Message from kinzler@iuvax ...
} Seems short. You wouldn't want me to remember that time when ...
}
}   Uh, no, of course not.
}
}   You will wash ashore in a stupor on the side of the river, and will
} lie there for a few hours, before fear of crocodiles makes you crawl out
} of the water.  Looking back, you will see the river covered with a thick
} foam, and smelling of a certain liquid dish soap.  You dimly remember
} tunneling through a storeroom the last night (ahh, so it wasn't a full
} 12 meters granite) and spilling hundreds of yellow plastic bottles
} marked "Dawn ^C
}
} ### MESSAGE FROM ANGEL23246@HEAVEN.XTIAN.ORG ###
} I hate puns.
}
}   ... er, marked "Don's World Famous Grapefruit Juice", of course.
} Heh heh. *cough* Um ... Anyway, then you will wander into the jungle
} looking for fresh, untainted water to drink. You will come across
} the site of an airplane crash, and a group of survivors. Using your
} newly acquired skills, (you borrowed a copy of 'Fugitive Living
} in the Jungle: 1001 Handy Tips and Pointers' from your guard) you will
} lead them back to safety and civilization ... One of the passengers
} will be a girl you knew twelve years ago, before the Death of
} Usenet (now Imminent), named Dawn. You and she will naturally
} fall in love and live happily ever after for a while, until she
} runs off with a trapeze mechanic, divorces you and you are killed
} by stray gunfire while walking from the "Produce" to the "Toiletries"
} sections of your local grocery store.
}
}    You owe the Oracle a bright future.


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