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Internet Oracularities #1320

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1320, 1320-01, 1320-02, 1320-03, 1320-04, 1320-05, 1320-06, 1320-07, 1320-08, 1320-09, 1320-10


Internet Oracularities #1320    (66 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 05 May 2003 10:32:43 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1320
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1320  66 votes 38om9 1bmkc 3akmb 5chjd 4dsh4 4glk5 cbii7 5knc6 29rk8 37jod
1320  3.3 mean  3.4   3.5   3.4   3.3   3.1   3.1   3.0   2.9   3.3   3.6


1320-01    (38om9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do fools fall in love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They ignore the warning signs and keep climbing the damn fence.


1320-02    (1bmkc dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of ancient wisdom,
>
> What are the top ten signs your college may be involved in a Masonic
> conspiracy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  \0/                                                   \0/
}  /V\  The Top Ten Signs your College may be Involved   /V\
}                  in a Masonic Conspiracy
}
} 10. Really, really nice brick buildings and walls everywhere.
}
} 09. Basketball coach slips at times and says, "We'll never
}     throw in the trowel."
}
} 08. Graduating students' mortar board hats have globs of wet
}     cement on them.
}
} 07. Cheerleaders wear white aprons festooned with cryptic symbols.
}     Team is called "The Fighting Two Head Bald Eagles" and their
}     chant is "We got DEUS MEUMQUE JUS, yes we do! And we're about
}     to put a paralyzing hex on YOU!"
}
} 06. Levels and compasses listed as required on syllabi for all
}     classes, from English 101 to Graduate seminars on history
}     of Babylonian blood rituals -- the latter of which seem to
}     meet darn near every other night in the Under-Quad, which
}     you can't seem to find in any map
}
} 05. Your dorm roomie has a full scale mock-up of the Prometheus
}     Mars Probe hanging from the ceiling above a pedestal holding
}     a vole's skull in a bucket of magically refreshing bull's
}     blood on the blue and white checkerboard design he's painted
}     on the floor. Oh, and on alternating full moon nights he
}     locks you out altogether.
}
} 04. Huge 3 faced goat headed demon on one side, Osiris on the
}     other and Dr. Gull on the remainder figures largely in the
}     constant rumors dealing with untimely murders of those
}     that get a tad to talkative about...hpu9vbp yu[ii]
} uhhji'  op./;
}
} [ NO CARRIER ]


1320-03    (3akmb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do mules fall in love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To make asses of themselves.


1320-04    (5chjd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Alex, what is a really good reason to stop submitting questions to the
> Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That is correct for $100.
}
} Michael: I'll take lame jokes, weak characters and woodchucks for $200.
}
} And the answer is, "He is the Oracle's right hand man."
}
} Michael: "Who is Og?"
}
} No I'm sorry that's incorrect.
}
} Michelle: "Who is Zadoc?"
}
} And you are Correct.
}
} I'll take lame jokes, weak characters and woodchucks for $300.
}
} It's a visual answer:
}
} *** 1291-06 **********************************************************
} Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Oh Oracle Most Wise,
} >
} > Who ? Me ?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } Yes. You.
} }
} } You owe the oracle a complete sentence.
} ----------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} Mandy: "I didn't do anything, it was her."
}
} I'm sorry that is incorrect.
}
} Michelle: "What is the worst response ever digested?"
}
} That is correct.
}
} Michelle: I'll take lame jokes, weak characters and woodchucks for
} $400.
}
} The answer is, "Zot!"
}
} Mandy: "A yummy soft drink?"
}
} Uh, no Mandy... you have to answer in the form of a question, and are
} you even reading the topic?
}
} Mandy: "Where is my yummy soft drink?"
}
} Anyone else?  Beep Beep Beep.
}
} The answer we were looking for is: "What is, How much wood would a
} woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
}
} Michelle, it's still your selection.
}
} Michelle: I'll take lame jokes, weak characters and woodchucks for
} $500.
}
} And the answer is ">"
}
} Michael: "What are 90% of all question submitted to the Oracle?"
}
} You are correct.
}
} Michael: I'll take The Best of RHOD for $100


1320-05    (4dsh4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, of whom even the greatest grovel would be an injustice.
>
> What is/Or Was The Secret of Monkey Island?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "The Secret of Monkey Island" was a successful computer adventure
} game released in 1990. Published by Lucasfilm Games (now LucasArts),
} it spawned three sequels, with a rumoured fifth game...
}
}       *THWAP*
}
}       What? You think the supplicant knows about the games and
}       actually wants The Secret? Oh. Better dodge the question then.
}
} Ahem.
}
} Look behind you, a three-headed...
}
}       *THWAP*
}
}       WHAT? If I give away the answer it won't be a secret anymore!
}       What do you mean it's obvious anyway? If it was that obvious
}       the question wouldn't have been asked! Fine, fine, whatever.
}
} Ahem.
}
} The Secret, of course, is the location of Monkey Island - it's
} actually Mururoa Atoll some years from now. The radiation left over
} from atomic tests in the late 20th century caused all sorts of
} strange mutations - how else could one neatly explain three-headed
} monkeys, pirates who can stomach Grog, Lemonhead, giant ear cleaners
} and Herman's madness?
}
} Of course, disclosure of such a secret doesn't come cheap.
}
} You owe the Oracle an original woodchuck question.


1320-06    (4glk5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr. Oracle,
>
> My dad tells me that money doesn't grow on trees.  However, I can't
> help thinking that shouldn't be a problem, because somewhere in the
> world video games probably grow on trees and that's what I really want.
>
> Why is my daddy so stupid sometimes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you see, video games don't grow on tress.  Video games grow in
} the ground and have to be harvested like potatoes.  Now this is a messy
} business and a costly one, since the very dirt they grow in can often
} ruin the games.  This means that growing games is not for the
} inexperienced, and is what is responsible for the games' prices.  So
} you see, your daddy isn't so stupid after all.


1320-07    (cbii7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm always getting bitten by chiggers.  Isn't there something
> I can do?  At least change the name of the damned bugs so I
> don't feel like a bigot talking about them.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't supplicants grovel these days? Hold on, let me try something.
}
} *ZOT!*
}
} No, the chiggers are still there. But there's not much left to bite.


1320-08    (5knc6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, rich in both senses and sense,
> I implore you for your wisdom:
>
> Why does the streetcar always smell funny after
> the baseball fans have been riding in it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: Let's find out. Zadoc. Get on that streetcar full of
}         baseball fans and report back to us.
}
} [ The Oracle smiles and forcibly flings Zadoc into the streetcar.
}   Inside, Zadoc finds himself surrounded by baseball fans. Singing
}   baseball fans. ]
}
} Sweat it out after the ball game,
} Dang, we're rank as a crowd.
} Whiffs of old peanuts and me crack `round back,
} I don't dare smell it, makes the world go black,
} Let me poot, poot, poot for the home team,
} If they don't swoon I'm to blame.
} For it's one, two, three grunts, it's out,
} And we all smell the same!
}
} [ Zadoc leaps out of the streetcar the first chance he gets.
}   The Oracle is there waiting for him, laughing his robe off.]


1320-09    (29rk8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of all creatures great and small,
>
> Why do we always get such idiots in government these days?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I could note that your elected representative are, as it
} happens, ELECTED.  Governments don't spring up overnight,
} unbidden, like fungus between shower tiles.  Indeed,
} hundreds of thousands of people are necessary to even run
} a campaign, while millions more are needed to actually
} vote.
}
} From the surprised tone of your question, I guess you
} mistakenly believe this is the first time idiots have
} elected an idiot.  Sadly, your species has a fairly
} extensive history of such behavior, so much so that I
} would be startled if idiots managed to elected a smart,
} decent man.  South Africa almost had me there with Mr.
} Mandela, but then I remembered he was a convicted
} terrorist.
}
} No no, this is just the course of human history
} playing itself out, dear supplicant, as it will do
} until the end of time.  Sadly, nothing ever changes.
}
} This, incidentally, is why I took pity on mankind
} about 12,000 years ago and showed them how to make
} beer.
}
} You owe the Oracle a six-pack of Pilsner Urquel.  It
} took you guys about 11,900 years, but you eventually
} got my recipe right.


1320-10    (37jod dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most singular,
>
> Why do "ellipse" and "ellipsis" have the same plural?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The plurals aren't quite the same. The plural of
} 'ellipse' is 'ellipses', which is pronounced the same
} as 'ellipsis', the plural of which is 'ellipses',
} spelled the same but pronounced differently from
} 'ellipses' (as in the plural of 'ellipse').
}
} Hope I'm not going around in circles...


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