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Internet Oracularities #1321

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Internet Oracularities #1321    (62 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 19 May 2003 08:46:12 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1321
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1321  62 votes 5llb4 36jjf 9bng3 88mcc 5cki7 24euc 1arh7 78geh 4atd6 46hdm
1321  3.3 mean  2.8   3.6   2.9   3.2   3.2   3.7   3.3   3.4   3.1   3.7


1321-01    (5llb4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most delicious,
> Whatever happened to those wacky chicks from Delphic Research?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cassie was originally left in charge of them - having bought them in
} the first place - so it was no surprise when they escaped on the second
} day.  Pythia mistook them for Eastern Attack Fowl chicks - "Some of the
} most vicious on the planet.  We coulda been killed!"  "But they weren't
} dangerous!" - and shot them on sight.  The chicks are all dead, as a
} result.  Sibyl thinks it would have been better off for everyone if
} Cassie had simply gotten eggs instead, like she had asked for.
}
} You owe the Oracle an Eastern Attack Fowl.


1321-02    (36jjf dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Will there ever be a rhinoceros astronaut??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's unlikely after that debacle involving the bovine moon-shot.  Sure,
} the cow got *over* the moon, but it died on reentry, and it turned out
} that the HR director for the project, Catbert, was embezzling from
} funds that should have gone towards the heatshield.  "The cat and the
} fiddle" indeed.
}
} Then again, I never would have thought a chimpanzee would be made
} President either, so you never know.


1321-03    (9bng3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, whose powers of telepathy are so great that they
> can read my epic grovel from my brainwave patterns, thus sparing me
> the need of typing it here, please *ZOT!* me not, but tell me:
>
> Why can't I ever get my ADOM characters higher than about level 10?
> Just when I think I'm starting to finally kick some booty, along
> comes a Chaos Lord or something and I'm toast.  It's not fair, I
> tell ya.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's because you keep playing ADOM roles, but you have a Asub
} personality. Let the Lord have the whip, and quit struggling against
} the chains, and you'll both have a lot more fun.
}
} You owe the Oracle some good leather. You owe Thomas Biskup a few
} bucks, too.


1321-04    (88mcc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent Oracle, pray tell me...
>
> Will man and machine ever live together in perfect harmony?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ Stevie Wonder, dressed in a tuxedo, is sitting at a piano made
}   of burnished steel. Near the piano is a life sized, shiny metal
}   robot fashioned to look sort of like Paul McCartney. "Paul" is
}   wearing jeans, and a tee-shirt bearing the words, "See, I'm not
}   dead". Mr. Wonder starts to play, and the two begin to sing. ]
}
} Human-y And Iron-y
} Can They Live Together In Perfect Harmony?
} Side By Side Like This Here Big Phony and Me?
}   [ Both stare at each other. ]
} Oh Motherboard of CPU Destiny.
}
} [ "Paul" shrugs and mutters, "It rhymed mate." ]
}
} We All Know
} That People and Machines are everywhere you go.
} But making machines takes a tool
} And making humans also requires alcohol or 'snow'
} Which birth is more noble, I don't know,
} But in the end, craftsmanship shows. . .
}
} Human-y And Iron-y
} Can They Live To-to-to-to-to-to-to-to-to-to-to-
} [ Stevie stands up and after a few missed swings finds "Paul"
}   and smacks it upside the head. ]
} to-together In Perfect Harmony?
}
} [ Curtain falls. A delay. The curtain starts to rise, but
}   reveals Stevie and "Paul" menacing each other with screw-
}   drivers. Curtain drops rapidly. Canned music is played
}   as the curtain quakes from some tussling behind it. ]


1321-05    (5cki7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All praise is due to The Oracle who is so superior to human nature
> as to refuse dominion over our world of mere gold and power. The
> Oracle respects justice more than his position compels him to do,
> for this let us sing praise. The Oracle is all wise!
>
> Are there any ball games that don't involve scoring or getting
> the ball into a hole?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually -ow- yes -ow.
}
} Hey, knock that off!  I'm not -ow- playing!
}
} I'm already out, see?  Ow.
}
} Er, as I was -ow- saying, supplicant, there certainly -ow- is.
} Dodgeball.  Ow.
}
} You owe the Oracle -ow- a ball with less -ow- ridges on it.  Ow.


1321-06    (24euc dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I such a mess?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} #1 What is your age?
}
} A) under two years of age
} B) between two and 13 years of age
} C) I am a teenager
} D) Twenty or older
}
} If you answered "A", the reason you are a mess is that
} you are a baby. Wait, someone will be by to clean you
} up presently. If you answered "B" or "C" you only think
} you are a mess, wait until you have a mortgage and a baby,
} then you'll know what a mess is. If you answered "D" go
} on to #2.
}
} #2 Have you been drinking?
}
} A) Yes.
} B) I can't remember.
} C) No.
}
} If you answered "A" or "B", the reason you are a mess is
} that you are drunk or hungover. Move away from any vomit
} in the area, drink lots of water, and eat something bland.
} If you plan to drink again stop here, you'll just forget
} all this in a day or two anyway so why go on? If you did
} not answer "A" or "B" go on to #3.
}
} #3 Have you been reading of the following: Dan Clowes,
} Genet, Beckett, Marx, or any PETA/Earthfirst! literature?
}
} A) Yes
} B) No
}
} If you answered "A", the reason you are a mess is that
} you are depressed. Horrifying as it sounds you must go
} some place with a lot of -happy- people and talk to them.
} Do this until you fall in love with someone. Then you're
} ready to go to #4. If you did not answer "A" go on to #4
} anyway.
}
} #4 Have you recently been in love?
}
} A) Yes
} B) No
}
} If you answered "A", the reason you are a mess is that
} you have a broken heart. You can negate this by drinking
} lots of alcohol. If you did not answer "A" then the reason
} you are a mess is because are anti-social. Try reading some
} depressing works of fiction so you don't feel alone in your
} state of alienation, try the works of Dan Clowes, Genet,
} Beckett, Marx, or any PETA/Earthfirst! literature.
}
} You owe the Oracle a black velvet painting of a drunken
} existential cupid.


1321-07    (1arh7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Wise Oracle most cultivated and distinguished,
>
>  What lies at the end of the memory hole?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I used to know this one, but I forget. Let's see if we can't figure it
} out for ourselves:
}
} Modern physics tells us that black holes are probably wormholes which
} lead to an alternate dimension. Using today's sophisticated 3-D
} modelling technology, we can approximate a hi-res picture of a
} wormhole:
}
}                 |          Bad          |
}                 |\        Scary        /|
}                 | \       Place       / |
}                 |  \                 /  |
}    Dimension    |   `-.___________.-'   |       Dimension
}        A        |                       |           B
}                 |      ___________      |
}                 |                       |
}
} Applying this theory to the memory hole, we can posit that at the end
} of the memory hole lies another dimension. But exactly what kind of new
} dimension lies at the end of the wormhole? We asked the 2003 recipients
} of the Nobel Prize in physics:
}
} Dr. Raymond Davis Jr.: Oh! Oh! I know this one... I think it looks kind
} of like a donut and has a taste roughly analagous to cheesecake. Wait,
} wait... Sorry, that's the "sideways" quark. I can't remember what lies
} at the end of the memory hole.
}
} Dr. Masatoshi Koshiba: At the end of the what?
}
} Dr. Riccardo Giacconi: I forget. Why don't you ask Davis?
}
} Thus conclusively proving my theory there can't be anything very
} memorable at the end of the memory hole, because nobody can remember
} what it is.
}
} You owe the Oracle all of the missing socks from an eternity of
} laundry.


1321-08    (78geh dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Imposingly wise Oracle,
>
> What was I before I lived in France?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Better off.


1321-09    (4atd6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello!  Anybody home?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Supplicant shines his flashlight around the Oracle's Lair. It is
} scary and quiet with a slight musty smell.  The Supplicant seem to have
} found the Oracle's storage room where he keeps all the stuff people
} send him for answering their question.
}
}     "Wow! There sure is some weird stuff in here" says the Supplicant.
} He comes across a brass plumb bob, a pair of golden hooters, an IOU for
} someone's first-born child, a bottle of Instant H2O (you just add
} water), and hundreds of items that defy description.
}
}     Suddenly the Supplicant is startled to hear heavy footsteps coming
} closer and closer.  With shaking hands he fumbles to turn off the
} flashlight and crouches behind one of the piles of stuff.  Then a door
} opens and the Oracle tosses a package of some sort in the room while
} mumbling "Worthless crap from ungrateful underlings that don't
} appreciate the wonderful things I do for them."  Then the door slams
} shut and the Oracle storms away.
}
}     "Wow that was close!" the supplicant says to him self while wiping
} the sweat off his brow.  Hands still fumbling, he turns on the
} flashlight again, but vows to keep his ears alert.  Then his flashlight
} comes across a 3-inch ball made from belly-button lint.  "Oh!... I
} remember this!" he says to him self.  "A long time ago I gave the
} Oracle this thing for answering that question about what happened one
} second before the Big Bang, and what happened one second before that"
} he thinks to himself.  The Supplicant slips the Lint Ball in to his
} pocket.  "Never know when I may need that," he says to himself.
}
}     Suddenly the Supplicant feels someone breathing behind him.  His
} hair stands up on end as he instinctively does an adrenaline dump.
} Slowly turning around, his worst fears are realized.  There, right
} behind him is the Oracle staring straight at him with eyes of anger.
} "Thought I didn't know you were here?" says the Oracle.  "Thought you
} could put one over on me?" says the Oracle.
}
} "Nnnnnnn... No." says the Supplicant with a tiny little trembling
} voice.
}
} "WHAT, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" bellows the Oracle.
}
} "Ugh... No... Sir... your Honor... please... no." stutters the
} Supplicant.
}
} "You owe me something?" says the Oracle.
}
} "No... I don't think so," says the Supplicant.  Then, momentarily after
} the words leave his mouth, he remembers that he slipped the Lint Ball
} in to his pocket.  He feels a HUGE lump in his throat.  "At least he
} doesn't know about that ball!" the Supplicant thinks to himself.
}
} "Tell ya' what" says the Oracle.  "I need someone to clean up around
} here," says the Oracle.  "Organize this room, categorize everything,
} blow the dust off the old stuff, and fix anything that doesn't work...
} and I let you go" offers the Oracle.
}
} "Th th th th thank you... sir." says the Supplicant in weak little
} voice.
}
} "Well... GET STARTED!" snaps the Oracle.  "And you can start with that
} Lint Ball you put in you pocket!" the Oracle says in a booming voice.
} The Oracle starts to leave, and then he stops, turns towards the
} Supplicant and says, "You were wondering if anyone was here.  Well,
} someone IS here.  YOU, for a long, long, long time!"


1321-10    (46hdm dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Oracle most wise,
>
>  Should we destroy our most powerful weapon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Democracy was once our most powerful weapon against dictatorship.
}
} I think you already have.
}
} You owe the Oracle another form of government.


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