} SPRINGER KILLED IN FILMING INCIDENT, ORACLE CHARGED
} Controversial talk-show host Jerry Springer was killed
} today in a bizarre incident while filming The Jerry
} Springer Show. Reports indicate that Springer was in
} fact composed of matchsticks and superglue.
} Springer was shooting an episode entitled, "I Ask
} Stupid Questions Of The Oracle!". Several Oracle
} supplicants appeared on the show, as well as The
} Internet Oracle himself, with several of his in-jokes.
} "It all started with that idiot supplicant," said
} Zadoc Worm, high priest to the Oracle. "He kept
} chanting that [obscenity deleted] question, and
} finally the Master, Bane of All Small Furry Things,
} picked up a chair and threw it at the supplicant. Then
} he picked up that Springer guy, and he threw him at
} the supplicant too. And then Springer broke into a
} million pieces - it was kinda cool."
} "Yeah, that guy just flipped," said Chuck Wood, the
} guest at whom Springer was thrown. "All I did was ask
} him a question. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
} if a woodchuck could chuck wood? How much wood would a
} woodchuck chuck if...[continues for several minutes]"
} "", commented Null, another guest on the show. "".
} Oracle was arrested by police and charged with wilful
} "We can't really charge him with murder or anything,
} 'cause Jerry wasn't really a person," said Inspector
} Gregory. "The show's waiver covers chair-throwing, but
} destroying the host definitely isn't allowed. But this
} is the worst charge we could come up with."
} "Sup-plic-ant ask wood-chuck ques-tion," said Og
} Ogson, Oracular aide. "Or-a-kul get an-gry. Or-a-kul
} throw Sprin-ger. Sprin-ger break. Much wood."
} "Springer had it coming to him," insisted Lisa, the
} Oracle's long-time companion and the main reason for
} the "Oracle" episode of Springer's show. "If he had
} let Orrie bring his Staff on-stage, he could have just
} ZOTted the idiot, and no-one else would have got hurt.
} Well, not much."
} The Oracle is being held on bail, which has been set
} at eight chairs, six tubes of superglue, and twelve
} hundred boxes of matches.