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Internet Oracularities #1322

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Internet Oracularities #1322    (61 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 25 May 2003 15:59:22 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1322
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1322  61 votes 2akn6 2jel5 8dmb7 258om 4dlh6 4lcg8 5bmcb 2akl8 aifa8 48gmb
1322  3.2 mean  3.3   3.1   2.9   4.0   3.1   3.0   3.2   3.4   2.8   3.5


1322-01    (2akn6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  What is the definition of a "concept index" and a "keyword index" in
>  terms of library science and knowledge science?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You'd use a "concept index" to look up something like "trying
} to get someone else to do your homework". While you'd look in
} a "keyword index" to find words related to your search like,
} "homework", or "lazy".
}
} You owe the Oracle a crutch.


1322-02    (2jel5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle who has always been there for me to give me a helping of
> apathy, please tell me what the "E" stands for in video tape lengths
> (for instance, a three-hour tape is called an "E-180" tape).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know how much everyone hates Algebra,
} so I'll try to keep this simple:
}
} "E-180" is actually a formula E-180, where:
}
} E=SP-LP/EP
}
} where:
}
} SP (Space Positioning) = the amount of time
} spent looking for a blank space on a tape to
} record a program
}
} and
}
} LP (Length Proximity) = the amount of time left
} before the start of said program
}
} and
}
} EP (Estimated Probability) = the probability that
} the user possesses the knowledge to program his
} clock to stop blinking 12:00
}
} or to put it in working terms:
}
} E=25-7/0.1=180
}
} So, in your case, the answer to the equation is:
}
} 180-180
}
} 0
}
} Which means you've run out of time.
} And I've run out of things to say.
}
} You owe the Oracle an answer to this question:
} Why can't I control the universe with my
} Universal Remote Control?


1322-03    (8dmb7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is Microsoft's hidden motive behind the iLoo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No one would be able to say they don't no shit again.


1322-04    (258om dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: lawrence.4@pop.service.ohio-state.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I'm an astronomy researcher on the Planet Search Team at San
> Francisco State University.  We detect extrasolar planets by studying
> gravitational "wobbles" in nearby stars; if the planet is large enough
> to be detected, we can deduce its size and orbit by observing the
> planet's gravitational pull on the star.
>
> Last month we were studying HD 73256, a small star in the
> constellation Canis Major with a periodic red shift and blue shift
> in its spectral lines.  At first the star's "wobble" looked like the
> expected pattern, caused by a nearby Jupiter-sized planet -- but as
> we studied the observations over time we discovered the blue shift
> was disproportionately larger than the red shift.  In layman's terms,
> it appears the star is being pulled *toward* us, rather than simply
> being pulled around in a circle by an orbiting planet.
>
> Further calculations suggest that the pull is accelerating -- and
> that, if it continues on the curve we've projected, the star will
> enter and destroy our solar system in about 41 years, seven months.
>
> All of this leads up to my question, which by now of course should
> be obvious.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, your wife is cheating on you.


1322-05    (4dlh6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wondrous Oracle,
>
> I didn't have a question.  I just wanted to thank you for keeping
> me occupied, because work became more fun when I realized
> that asking you questions looked a great deal like communicating
> synergistically with co-workers.
>
> Thanks again!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} GOLDBRICK ALERT!!!  GOLDBRICK ALERT!!!  GOLDBRICK ALERT!!!
}
} The employee reading this e-mail screen is not working.  He is sending
} anonymous letters to a mythical Oracle who may or may not exist, perhaps
} somewhere in Indiana.  Or maybe elsewhere.  Repeat, HE IS NOT WORKING!
}
} GOLDBRICK ALERT!!!  GOLDBRICK ALERT!!!  GOLDBRICK ALERT!!!


1322-06    (4lcg8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O' Oracle!  I am not worthy to blow my nose in the same dimension
> that your beta particle emissions eke forth unto the eyeballs of
> the priests.  Pray enlighten me, upon which I may ascend into the
> heavens and foul thine atmosphere no longer with my greasy presence!
>
> Oh...uh, actually, I didn't really have a question.  I just like
> grovelling.  Have a nice day!
>
> -Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are perfectly suited to be the Prime Minister of an
} english-speaking country,
} either in the northern or southern hemisphere.
}
} You owe The Oracle a leader with more moral fibre than a slug.
}
} --
} From the desk of
} The Internet Oracle
} Oracular services to the gentry since 4004 BC


1322-07    (5bmcb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, Magister Mundi es!
>
> Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax
> si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Requiescat In Pace  **ZOTUM**
}
} Quid quid latine dictum sit, altum videtur.  Si hoc legere scis nimium
} eruditionis habes.


1322-08    (2akl8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise and wonderful, whose brain is larger than all the
> brains in the universe, including itself, please tell me...
>
> If there were two of me, which one would win?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you didn't specify what you'd win *at*, so I'll
} just have to test this the old-fashioned way...
}
} Scissors!                Rock!
} Damn! Best of five?
}                          Whatever. I'll still win.
}
} Scissors!                Paper!
}                          Dammit!
} Ha!
}
} Paper!                   Rock!
} Gotcha!
}                          Yeah, I'll show you...
}
} Paper!                   Paper!
} Scissors!                Scissors!
} Stop that!
}                          What? You're doing it.
} Scissors!                Rock!
}                          Two-all!
} You're going down!
}
} Scissors!                Paper!
} Ha, ha! I won!
}                          You little cheat!
} What?!
}                          I saw you! You cheated!
} I never!
}                          You waited till you saw mine!
} I did not!
}                          Did too!
} Did not!
}                          Did too!
} Come here and say that!
}                          Gladly!
} *biff*
}                          *pow*
} *thump*
}                          *ouch*
} *tchac*
}                          *clonk*
}
} This *ow* could take some *ow* time, supplicant. Could
} you *stop that* come back *hey!* later?


1322-09    (aifa8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
> it's been over 6 weeks now since the fall of baghdad,
> and still no sign of the 'weapons of mass destruction'.
>
> Isn't it time dubya admitted the french were right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because the French are not permitted ideological superiority.


1322-10    (48gmb dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Oracle most wise and brilliant,
>
>  What would happen is Jerry Springer was discovered to be made entirely
>  of matchsticks and superglue?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SPRINGER KILLED IN FILMING INCIDENT, ORACLE CHARGED
}
} Controversial talk-show host Jerry Springer was killed
} today in a bizarre incident while filming The Jerry
} Springer Show. Reports indicate that Springer was in
} fact composed of matchsticks and superglue.
}
} Springer was shooting an episode entitled, "I Ask
} Stupid Questions Of The Oracle!". Several Oracle
} supplicants appeared on the show, as well as The
} Internet Oracle himself, with several of his in-jokes.
}
} "It all started with that idiot supplicant," said
} Zadoc Worm, high priest to the Oracle. "He kept
} chanting that [obscenity deleted] question, and
} finally the Master, Bane of All Small Furry Things,
} picked up a chair and threw it at the supplicant. Then
} he picked up that Springer guy, and he threw him at
} the supplicant too. And then Springer broke into a
} million pieces - it was kinda cool."
}
} "Yeah, that guy just flipped," said Chuck Wood, the
} guest at whom Springer was thrown. "All I did was ask
} him a question. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
} if a woodchuck could chuck wood? How much wood would a
} woodchuck chuck if...[continues for several minutes]"
}
} "", commented Null, another guest on the show. "".
}
} Oracle was arrested by police and charged with wilful
} damage.
}
} "We can't really charge him with murder or anything,
} 'cause Jerry wasn't really a person," said Inspector
} Gregory. "The show's waiver covers chair-throwing, but
} destroying the host definitely isn't allowed. But this
} is the worst charge we could come up with."
}
} "Sup-plic-ant ask wood-chuck ques-tion," said Og
} Ogson, Oracular aide. "Or-a-kul get an-gry. Or-a-kul
} throw Sprin-ger. Sprin-ger break. Much wood."
}
} "Springer had it coming to him," insisted Lisa, the
} Oracle's long-time companion and the main reason for
} the "Oracle" episode of Springer's show. "If he had
} let Orrie bring his Staff on-stage, he could have just
} ZOTted the idiot, and no-one else would have got hurt.
} Well, not much."
}
} The Oracle is being held on bail, which has been set
} at eight chairs, six tubes of superglue, and twelve
} hundred boxes of matches.


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