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Internet Oracularities #1323

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Internet Oracularities #1323    (68 votes, 3.4 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 03 Jun 2003 16:29:11 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1323
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1323  68 votes 1huf5 28jv8 4mv74 4jjh9 18rlb 0chsb 49jhj 6efkd 18fpj 3bkp9
1323  3.4 mean  3.1   3.5   2.8   3.1   3.5   3.6   3.6   3.3   3.8   3.4


1323-01    (1huf5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who specializes in intelligence, tell me this about
> intelligence:
>
> I am smarter than myself, but I am not a clone or cloned. Huh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At any given moment, you are smarter than yourself at that moment.
} This is because you are always accumulating experience, and therefore
} always getting smarter.
} Time, of course, is hairy, like Velcro.
} Instead of moving in a straight line, like most people think, or in a
} slightly wavy line, like most physicists think, any given moment has an
} infinitesimal random chance of jumping backward or forward in time.
} Since a moment is infinitesimally long, within any finite amount of time
} (say, one second) there are an infinite number of chances for this to
} occur.
} Thus the fabric of spacetime is rough and tangly, the future occurs
} simultaneously with the past, and you are smarter than yourself.
}
} You owe the Oracle a swatch of silk, a quantum physicist, and a lot of
} aspirin.


1323-02    (28jv8 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All bow before The Wise Oracle who is willing to admit that he may
> not always be right, but that he is never wrong.
>
> Did Zeus used to consult the polls before acting?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh, old Zeus.  Haven't thought about him for a long time, I really
} need to give him a call.
}
}   Back in his day, there were no opinion polls.  If you annoyed him, he
} smited you.  If he was pleased with you, you got rewarded beyond your
} wildest dreams.  Oh, and he fondled anything that moved.
}
}   It was kind of like a bizzare mix of Nixon, Clinton, and FDR.
}
}       You owe the oracle a subscription to the Olympian Times.


1323-03    (4mv74 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle of the many hops, please ponder well this weighty
> vexation;
>
> Why does she think her red bearded brother will return?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant most unworthy,
}
} Families, eh? Can't live with 'em, can't chop 'em into tiny pieces
} and leave 'em in the trash. (More's the pity.)
}
} One of the many idiosyncracies of families is that they insist on
} seeing each other through rose-tinted glasses. For instance, Oedipus's
} maiden aunts -- who, curiously, do not appear in any version of his
} story -- both insisted to the end of their lives, despite some fairly
} weighty evidence to the contrary, that he was a wonderful boy who had
} done some lovely finger-painting at school. And Charles Manson still
} has relatives who wonder every year why those nasty prison wardens
} won't even let that lovely boy join his family for thanksgiving.
}
} And so we come to the self-protective self-delusions of your
} mystery lady.  Nobody raised in such a conservative and strict family
} could possibly let herself believe that her brother -- her kin --
} her own flesh and blood! -- could possibly be one of those filthy,
} disgusting, revolutionary Communists! No more than she could let
} herself believe that his charming wife, the mother of his children,
} who always dresses so nicely for family occasions, is only there as a
} marriage of convenience -- masking and hiding his passionate 10-year
} relationship with a trucker named Phil! The shock would simply be
} too much for her delicate system.
}
} And so, even if the poor man could bring himself to tell his sister
} about his true life, he knows that he would never be believed.
} Who could blame him for his furtive escape to a life of neo-socialist
} sexual liberation?  And so he remains for ever, in secret, her "red,
} bearded" brother.
}
} As for his sister, well, there is no point in arguing with her.
} Just tell her he ran away to join Al-Qaeda, or something. You stand
} a better chance of being believed.
}
} You owe the Oracle a ginger merkin.


1323-04    (4jjh9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  O Augustness,
>  mighty evocator of wisdom.
>
>  Is a rose a rose a rose?
>
>  Please excuse your unillumined supplicants stupidity.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dearest Supplicant,
}
} You are very near to the goal that you seek. You must proceed
} carefully. Very, very carefully.
}
} A question arose
} How it started, no-one knows
} Is a rose a rose?
} They asked. And asked. And asked.
}
} Some say it began in antiquity
} When Rhodanthe fled from iniquity
} To the temple of Aphrodite
} Get it? Aph-rose-dite?
} Only they called her Diana because they were Romans and didn't know any
}   better
} And it was a bad move, because Diana turned her into a rose
} And her lovers into thorns
}
} But there are older stories still
} And you can read them if you will * (1)
} Some from Ur and some from... er, other places
} And lots of songs as well
} Michael rose the boat ashore
} Rose Rose Rose your boat
} And so on. Halleluja.
}
} Middle ages, then:
} Begin again.
} Rose red or rose white? * (2)
} Easy, silly: pink
} Think pink. Think. Think think think.
} (What a stink!)
}
} Oh -- and again.
} The Wars of the Roses
} Brought down the mighty House of York
} Or did it? Didn't. The Mighty Duke of York had 10,000 men you know.
} That was a lot in those days.
} 'Turn again, Whittington, three times Lord Mayor of London...'
}
} But I digress.
} The Wars of the Roses were a series of conflicts from about 1455-1485 *
}   (3)
} Red and white roses again, you know
} And blue ones.
}
} The blue ones continue to cause trouble even today * (4)
} Though people think they're something new
} Ibn Al Awam wrote of them in at least the twelfth century
} And even told people how to make 'em
} But did they listen? Noooooo. They never do.
}
} What! Is your name?
} [Enter your name here]
} What! Is your quest?
} I seek the Holy Grail!
} What! Is your favorite color?
} Blue
} You may pass.
} Yellow -- I mean Blue!
} [is hurtled into the abyss]
}
} Ah, yes -- the elusive Yellow Rose.
} She is from the Great State of Texas * (5)
} And this, too, causes trouble for some people today
} Specially those in Texas
} Alabama, Tennessee, Mississippi, Georgia
} And so on.
}
} Well, and that is just the beginning. We could go on:
} Rosencrantz, Rosicrucians, Knights of the Rosy Cross
} And we could begin to discuss the Greek letter Rho
} Which puts me in mind of an Old College Cheer
} It goes something like this:
} Rah! Rah! Ree!
} Kick 'em in the knee!
} Rah! Rah! Rho!
} Your sister is a ho!
}
} No, wait a minute -- that's not right. Anyway.
} As you can see, no rose is a rose unless you know all of the rules
} And the rules are infinite and without beginning nor end.
} If you are sensible, you can just forget about all of that and use your
}   senses:
} If your eyes tell you it is a rose
} And your nose tells you it is a rose
} Then whom cares?
}
} This information and $250 will get you one dozen long-stems on
}   Valentine's Day
} Though why anybody would care about such these days is quite definitely
}   beyond me
}
} ...
}
} You owe the Oracle
} A count of all db rows
} In all db tables
} In all the world.
} Get it? Database? Rows? Oracle?
} Ha! I slay me!
} oops...
} [screen goes blank]
}
}
} Footnotes:
}
} 1) Rose trivia
} http://interrose.co.uk/rose_story.shtml
}
} 2) Rose red or rose white?
} http://www.surlalunefairytales.com/rosered/index.html
}
} 3) The Wars of the Roses were a series of conflicts from about 1455-1485
} http://www.civilwarartprints.com/war_of_the_roses.htm
}
} 4) The blue ones continue to cause trouble even today
} http://interrose.co.uk/blue_roses.shtml
}
} 5) Yellow Rose of Texas
} http://alamo-de-parras.welkin.org/archives/yellowrose/yelrose.html


1323-05    (18rlb dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: twchew@mindspring.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise
>
> I'm all shook up.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm. Well without more information, It could be that you're:
}
} 1. Algerian
} 2. In Love, or
} 3. A vodka martini, in which case I insist that you pour yourself into
} a chilled glass and serve yourself immediately!
}
} You owe the Oracle a twist of lemon to accompany you.


1323-06    (0chsb dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great and Wonderful Oracle who even knows how to read the minds
> of animals except maybe wooodchucks, what's the difference between
> training a horse and training a donkey?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Donkeys.
}
} With the notable exception of Caligula's horse Incitatus,
} which the mad emperor threatened from time to time to
} appoint to a consulship, horses have had an extremely difficult
} time even being considered for training for tasks beyond common
} pleasure riding and barnyard labor -- let alone being utilized
} as paid, working members of any legislative bodies. On the
} other hand, donkeys get elected to office with dismaying
} regularity.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bushel of oats and an onager.


1323-07    (49jhj dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've forgotten the words to the 23rd palm.  Can you remind me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 3COM is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
} He maketh me arrive at green pastures at the appointed time:
} He keepith my lists of things to do.
} He hot sync'th my soul:
} He leadeth me in the paths of on-demand information for information's'
} sake.
}
} Yea, though I walk through the valley without my laptop,
} I will fear no downtime: For all thy data art with me;
} Thy stylus and thy titanium screen cover, they comfort me.
} Thou preparest an email for me and deliver the reply with no wires;
} Thou annointest my ears with MP3's; My digital pics runneth over.
}
} Surely connectivity and data shall sit in my pocket all the days of my
} life, and I will dwell in the Information Age forever.


1323-08    (6efkd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, who knows all,
>
> If he's got the whole world in his hands, what happens when he
> claps?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He takes penicillin, just like everyone else.


1323-09    (18fpj dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who is the wisest of all the great things in the world...
>
> Can I have a puppy for my birthday?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, yeah. But to keep from freaking out everybody why not
} just have cake like all the other kids. . .
}
} You owe the Oracle a lobster dinner.


1323-10    (3bkp9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is worn under a Scotsman's kilt?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Top 10 Things Worn Under a Scotsman's Kilt
} 10.   Balls (No, GOLF balls!  Pervert!)
} 9.    Presbyterian reading material, for when using the WC
} 8.    A tiny sticker which indicates: "Inspected by 27"
} 7.    A dirk (claymores are bulky and keep you out of some discotheques)
} 6.    An emergency back-up hip flask of whisky
} 5.    Wolfsbane-based werewolf repellant
} 4.    Cell phone, beeper, and PDA (all set to vibrate)
} 3.    A secret stash of money where nobody can find it
} 2.    A dab of cologne
}
} And the number 1 thing worn under a Scotsman's kilt...
}
} 1.    His ass -- that wool tartan is really scratchy!


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