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Internet Oracularities #1325

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1325, 1325-01, 1325-02, 1325-03, 1325-04, 1325-05, 1325-06, 1325-07, 1325-08, 1325-09, 1325-10


Internet Oracularities #1325    (57 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 30 Jun 2003 10:40:42 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1325
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1325  57 votes 3cej9 3lk94 0cph3 4hdh6 69idb 39kl4 0bfid 3afja 26vb7 69ng3
1325  3.2 mean  3.3   2.8   3.2   3.1   3.2   3.2   3.6   3.4   3.3   3.0


1325-01    (3cej9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
> I want to have your baby.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Michael Jackson! We've told you more than once that the
} maternity ward is not your private pick-up bar, leave
} now or we'll be forced to call security.


1325-02    (3lk94 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
>  It wasn't the Taliban, but we conquered Afghanistan.
>  It wasn't Saddam (and he didn't have WMDs) but we conquered Iraq.
>  Who's next on the list of innocent nations we're going to conquer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: Oh, you know that answer to that already. But, well,
}         here. Follow me. . .
}
} [ Scene: A good ol' fashion Hoedown, good ol' boys swigging
}   moonshine, gals in short cutoffs and tight blouses tied
}   up in a bow beneath their buxomness are having a grand ol'
}   time. Rummy is calling the steps. ]
}
} Rummy: Ya-Hoo! Grab yer self a terrorist
}        drive him underground,
}        drop a bunker buster and the bearded one is ground.
}        Beef that is, dawg food.
}
} Crowd: Ya-hoo!
}
} Rummy: Stealths over Baghdad
}        Carriers at sea
}        Spinning cruise missiles
}        splatter them bad guys to a dust that make ya sneeze!
}
} Crowd: Ya-hoo!
}
} Rummy: Allies with the Poles,
}        the Spanish and Qatar
}        Belly Up Boys! Free drinks at the. . .
}
} [ A bunch of peacenuts crash the party, day-glo painted
}   faces, signs demeaning GW, waving placards showing a
}   smiling Saddam patting a child on the head. Rummy
}   doesn't miss a beat. ]
}
} Rummy: Everyone! Pair up with a human shield
}        Strip `um to the bone
}        spank on their bottoms,
}        send 'um all home to their now tapped cell phones.
}
} Crowd: Ya-hoo!
}
} You owe the Oracle a plate of broken ribs.


1325-03    (0cph3 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me please, O Great One of Wisdom and Courage, how shall I make
> more friends?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From the Home Office in Bloomington, Indiana, the top ten ways to
} make friends...
}
} 10. Throw a cookout. Main course: Annoying Poodle Teriyaki.
} 9.  Troll chatrooms under the name 17YrItchy.
} 8.  Give out free "balloons" at the local bathhouse.
} 7.  Six words: Bartender at the AA newbie orientation.
} 6.  Make some brownies for the local teenagers. You know, brownies.
} 5.  Start listening to the voices. They want to be your friends too.
} 4.  Become a hypochondriac. Those EMTs will be your friends in no time.
} 3.  Win the lottery and suddenly Fred, who beat you up in 5th grade,
}     will remind you what good buddies you are, even though you haven't
}     seen him in fifteen years.
} 2.  Cats, cats, and more cats.
}
} And the number one way to make more friends: Photocopy pictures onto
} construction paper and stick them on broomsticks so you can talk to
} them while you eat dinner.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question that doesn't so readily descend into
} bad taste.


1325-04    (4hdh6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello? Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can
> hear me... is there anyone at home?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We don't need no Medication,
} We don't need no pain control.
} No Valium to ease our suffering,
} Healer leave those wounds alone,
} Hey  !
} Healer !
} Leave them wounds alone !
}
} All in all I want another kick in the balls.
}
} You owe The Oracle the other 37 songs from the S&M hymn-book.


1325-05    (69idb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
> please supply a post-modernist critique of the international banking
> system,
> in the style of 'Beowulf'
> Maximum 500 words.
> By Tuesday.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have heard of the corporate Kings
} in the old days and how
} they were complete *ankers.
} George, the son of Fred,
} took many an enemy's share,
} terrified many a businessman,
} after he was found a monster.
} He prospered over the small
} until people everywhere
} listened when he spoke.
} He was a powerful man!
}
} George had his fun,
} whores for his yard,
} sent by a pimp
} to comfort the rich man,
} to keep him from loneliness--
} skimpy were their clothes;
} they were famous
} throughout the land.
} But then there was a problem--
} Whilst abroad
} as they were still young
} they wanted new shoes
} he would support them
} in time of shoelessness.
} A man prospers
} by good deeds
} in any nation.
}
} George tried to send by net,
} connection was strong.
} His people carried him to the sea,
} to a net cafe.
} In the harbor stood
} a well-built place,
} grungy but ready for surfing.
} They went inside,
} he logged in to the bank
} full of gold
} and treasure from distant lands.
} I've never heard
} of a richer man,
} he got ready to send,
} he keyed in the amount
} and sent it for a trip.
} No doubt he had a little more
} than he sent to the girls
} but when the data was sent,
} a naked orphan in an empty boat.
} with a laptop computer
} intercepted it,
} and lived a rich life,
} moved from the sea.
} and the corporate king
} became very poor.
}
} You owe the oracle... a beautiful ship, filled with shields, swords,
} and coats of mail


1325-06    (39kl4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
> WMD or not WMD, that is the question.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dude, either go work for the Waste Management Division or don't,
} but waxing poetic over it ain't goin' to fly with the guys on
} the truck. Trust me on that one.
}
} You owe the Oracle a six pack of cheap beer.


1325-07    (0bfid dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and discreet Oracle,
>
> I am thinking of quitting my day job so that I can fight crime
> full-time.  I am having some trouble figuring out how I'll fund the
> operation, however.  The idea of robbing evil-doers, though ironic,
> nonetheless leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth.  Any suggestions?
>
> Thanks,
> The Caped Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gotham City (TIO_News) -- Once again AOLTIMEWARNER_MAN saved
} the city from evil. AOLTIMEWARNER_MAN (formerly known as KFC_MAN,
} and before that RAMTOUGHDODGETRUCK_MAN) said only this as he
} dropped off yet another evil person at jail, "Now I'm off to
} watch Friends(tm) and then read Time(tm) magazine, then I'll
} log on to AOL and look for clues!" With that AOLTIMEWARNER_MAN
} flew up into the air leaving only a swirling cloud of 50% off
} coupons for the next Harry Potter(tm) DVD in his wake.


1325-08    (3afja dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What ever happened to Loki's mom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm. I'd better check with him.
}
} <ring, ring>
} LOKI: Hello?
} ORRIE: Loki! Hi, how are you?
} LOKI: I'm bloody bored, that's how I am! "Come on, be a god in
} NetHack", they said. "It'll be great", they said. "You can get the
} Amulet of Yendor", they said. Who do I get worshipping me? Nothing
} but disaffected Valkyries and the occasional elven bloody Priest. Why
} couldn't I get a good class, like Rogues? Look at the smug bastard
} Kos, such a cushy bloody number he's got...
} ORRIE: Um, Loki...
} LOKI: Even Rangers would be good. Hey, you know, I'd like to throw
} Stormbringer out once in a while. Do I ever get a bloody chance? Do I
} hell!
} ORRIE: Loki...
} LOKI: I mean, most of those Valks aren't even good-looking. It's no
} bloody fun in my position, I'm telling you.
} ORRIE: Loki, shut up a minute! I've got a question to ask.
} LOKI: What?
} ORRIE: How's your mom?
} LOKI: My mom?!
} ORRIE: Yeah, you know, Laufey. What happened to her?
} LOKI: Hell, I dunno. Just sitting around waiting for Ragnarok for all
} I know.
} ORRIE: Well, you're not much of a son, are you? Never visit, never
} even call, I'll bet.
} LOKI: Is that what you called me about? To talk about my bloody
} mother?
} ORRIE: Well, it's a supplicant you see. Wants to know what happened
} to her.
} LOKI: Who cares? Just give 'em a bloody ZOT, already.
} ORRIE: Come on. That's just a cheap cop-out, and you know it.
} LOKI: Hey, man, cheap cop-outs are what I do best.
} ORRIE: True...
} LOKI: Besides, I bet they didn't even grovel.
} ORRIE: No, they- Hey, you're right! They didn't grovel! The cheap
} little sod!
} LOKI: So what are you going to do?
} ORRIE: Oooh, they're getting such a big ZOT...
} LOKI: Great. Have fun. See ya around...
} ORRIE: Bye. <click>
}
} Well, let this be a lesson to you.
}
} *<*ZOT!!!*>*


1325-09    (26vb7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, capable of discerning even the
> minutest fraction of a thought that I might have,
> please ZOT! me not and answer me this petition.
>
> Oracle, Oracle, quite all-knowing, how does your
> garden grow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With statistical curves of an argent variety, a small,
} lightweight boat and a team of physically attractive
} virgins standing in an approximate solution of a
} one-dimensional equation.
}
} You owe the Oracle a small flower, charred remains,
} and an involuntary stoppage of standing upright.


1325-10    (69ng3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose "length" of insight is matched only by your "girth" of
> wisdom (if you know what I mean..):
>
> Should I switch jobs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Switching jobs is good for a "breadth" of fresh air.  However, as many
} in the "height"-ech industry have found, tenure prevents pink slips.
} So you may want to "weight" before deciding to switch.
}
} You owe the Oracle a "depth"-ong.


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