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Internet Oracularities #1326

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Internet Oracularities #1326    (63 votes, 3.4 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 07 Jul 2003 12:34:34 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1326
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1326  63 votes 11hsg 0cwe5 17tk6 26gkj 6eme7 1hni4 5fsb4 14ojf 6akha 56bin
1326  3.4 mean  3.9   3.2   3.4   3.8   3.0   3.1   2.9   3.7   3.2   3.8


1326-01    (11hsg dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
>
> Is it true people use the Internet for other things besides porn?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Absolutely! You can also spread viruses with the internet. Steal books,
} music and videos. And lets not forget the endless supply of "free"
} games out there waiting to be downloaded.
}
} There is a dark side to the internet. Some people put _information_
} on their web sites. No nude chicks or pirated music. Actual useful
} information about cars, the weather, what's on TV tonight, etc.
} I can't tell you how much those freaks creep me out. Stay away from
} them or next thing you know you might find yourself doing unspeakable
} things like studying and research. Imagine what you mom will think when
} she finds out you know WAY too much about 18th century Romanian art.
}
} You owe the Oracle some links to sites about naval warfare in the
} late 1500's. Not for me mind you, its... uh... for a friend.


1326-02    (0cwe5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great but unruly Oracle, whose hair I am not fit to comb, and whose
> gargantuan brain is inversely unworthy of my unfit grovels, I need
> your best answer.
>
> Recently I've sent you some questions for which I got answers that
> (shall we say) are not quite up to your usual high standards.  In all
> my boarn daze, I never would have expected an Oracle as smart as you
> to say, "Way2GoDude," and "How the hell should I know?"
>
> I understand that you must have a good reason for handing the
> job of transcribing your words off to some third-rate excuse for
> an incarnation.  Really I don't care--I just want good answers.
> What are they?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now, now. Not all incarnations are idiots. Nor are all the supplicants.
} The truth is that some of the incarnations are absolutely brilliant,
} as are some supplicants. But when push comes to shove it must be
} admitted that most incarnations are just plain old ordinary folk,
} as are most supplicants.
}
} That is why we here at Queue Central keep careful records of who sends
} us what. Then our crackerjack crew of volunteers & shanghaied runaways
} match up the supplicants with incarnations of similar intelligence.
} This way no one is disappointed as they get answered in kind by one
} of their own.
}
} Yes, yes, The Oracle knows what you're thinking. You are thinking,
} "That must a lot of work for the temple staff matching up genius to
} genius, everyday person to everyday person, and buffoon to buffoon."
} Well, yes it is, but we think it is well worth the effort.
}
} You owe the Oracle twenty four axes.


1326-03    (17tk6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There's got to be a better way.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.
}
} People have been looking at time travel wrong.
}
} Hear the Oracle out, what follows is not just a play on words:
}
} People *already* are traveling through time, you call it aging.
} What is impossible is to go =backward= through time. Humans will
} one day be able to travel ~forward~ through time at an accelerated
} rate, to visit the future so to speak, but they will not be able
} to come back.
}
} In other words people will be able to visit their great-great-
} great-great-grandkids for Thanksgiving dinner. On the other hand
} the mega-kids won't show up at the mega-elder's home for holidays
} ...which, if you think about it, is sorta like things now a days
} it's just that mega-kids will have a far better excuse.
}
} This is all due to those pesky laws of thermodynamics. Matter goes
} from organized to disorganized (think dorm room), if time went
} backwards you have to have scattered remnants of events reassemble
} into unique things:
}
} * ashes & gases & heat turning back into a match
} * human waste turning back into a jelly sandwich (ewww!)
} * your chaotic life turning back into simplistic childhood bliss
}
} None of those things can occur without violating thermodynamic
} laws.
}
} So the reason you do not currently see any time travelers is
} that they can't get here from there. But someday you'll be
} able to visit them.
}
} Is this a good thing?
}
} Perhaps.
}
} "No time like the present for planning ahead," says the Oracle.
}
} Things to consider for a trip into the future:
}
} + What can you take that will be valuable so you won't show up indigent?
}
}  - Gold/jewels?
}    Doubtful, they'll probably be able to nano-tech those at will
}
}  - Rare books/art objects
}    Far better idea. Imagine if you had a mint condition copy of some
}    Leonardo DaVinci notebooks in your hands right now.
}
}  - Genetic samples
}    Could be a winner, but dicey. Again they may be able to manipulate
}    DNA at will, but they might like to have a pure sample of, say,
}    caveman blood. Visit your boss with a syringe in hand before you go.
}    On the other hand they might give you tons of credits for samples
}    of you!
}
}  - Junk
}    This is the real winner. Think antiques. Gather up hideous stuff
}    people are currently throwing away as it is what will be rare and
}    thus valuable. Collect McDonalds' commemorative film-bomb sporks,
}    those little cards that fall out of mag- azines, Micro$oft Windows
}    3.1 manuals and the like.
}
}  - Information
}    Iffy again. Historians of the future will fight to interview you
}    IF you know something about The Now that is useful. Hint: Turn off
}    Scooby-Doo and read some up on current events. No, USENET doesn't
}    count, think books, remember them from college?
}
} You owe the Oracle someplace to send Zadoc for the weekend, he's
} getting on my nerves of late.


1326-04    (26gkj dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Is cottage cheese supposed to talk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but it only speaks Curdish.


1326-05    (6eme7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Unfunny, am I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, Yoda, but stand-up just isn't your thing.


1326-06    (1hni4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does one go about obtaining a pencil thin mustache that I have
> heard so very much about?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hang out in Italian beauty salons.  Women enter with 'em and leave
} without 'em - they've gotta be *somewhere* in there.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Brazilian wax as seen on the beachs of Rio de
} Janeiro...


1326-07    (5fsb4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Avast and becalmed Oracle, you are three sheets to the wind!
>
> How can I learn some better nautical terminology?  (It's taken
> a long time, but I finally learned the difference between the
> head and the poop deck.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aye there ye lubber of the land.
}
} A man who once sought my advice was an officer in the British
} navy years ago. They were assigned a new recruit straight out of
} officer training. This young lad was a bit green, to say the least,
} but never the less he was assigned a squad of men and ordered to get
} a portion of the ship painted. His men went about the task all wrong.
} He started to order them about such:
}
} "Hey guys please mover the ladder over a bit towards the left a
} bit" "... To the left - towards that knob over there ...."
}
} They just looked at him funny.
}
} So he turned to his superior who was watching and asked, "what am I
} doing wrong, why wouldn't they listen to me ?"
}
} "You need to use more naval terminology" came the reply.
}
} "ash I see" So he turns back to the men and says "Hey guys please
} mover the ladder over a bit towards the left a bit, me hearties"
}
} So in answer to your question, all you need to do is add me hearties
} to the end of every question.
}
} You owe the Oracle one crappy anecdote, sixteen daggers in a dead
} mans chest and a bottle of rum.


1326-08    (14ojf dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle most wise, who's very words make us all seem like
> imbecile's,
>
> Why is there an oversupply of village idiots these days?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's summer, they're all home from college.


1326-09    (6akha dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most miraculous of Oracles, and most Oraculous of miracles,
>
> A seminary student I once knew told me that God could indeed make a
> stone so heavy even He couldn't lift it, it's just that He's smart
> enough not to. My question is, could he make a movie so bad Sean
> Connery wouldn't be in it? Or a book so long Steven King couldn't write
> it? How about a song so insipid Michael Bolton wouldn't sing it? Or a
> joke so unfunny that Tom Green wouldn't write it and Jay Leno wouldn't
> tell it? And if He could, would He want to?
>
> Please, this is keeping me up nights.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Titanic.
} Dianetics.
} You Light Up My Life.
} "Bush wins the 2004 Presidential election".
}
} I told Him not to, but does He listen?  Nooooo....
}
} You owe the Oracle a grovel so bad a CS student wearing a Darth Vader
} outfit in line outside of the "Star Wars Episode III" premier wouldn't
} write it.


1326-10    (56bin dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's an interview meme.  I ask you five questions which you
> answer, then in return you ask me 5 questions. But as you're
> omniscient, and because if I reply to your reply it may not get to
> you, you should be able to write out my answers to your questions too.
>
> So my 5 questions for you:
>
> 1) Where did you meet the lovely Lisa, and what was it about her
> that so attracted you to her?
>
> 2) When punishing Zadoc, what works best and why?
>
> 3) How far would I have to go to be allowed into the great Oracle
> Priesthood?
>
> 4) What sized sandals do you wear, and how do you get them to
> shine so?
>
> 5) Is it true what they say is the secret use of the Zotting
> staff, or was that just being circulated by Zadoc because he was
> jealous of Lisa?
>
> So - now you answer these 5 questions, then write the 5 questions
> you want to ask me, then  the answers to those that you know I'm
> going to give.
>
> Thanks, Great Wise Oracle!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can't fool me, supplicant. There're eight
} questions in there, and you know it. Since you're not
} going to play fair, neither will I, so I'm going to
} select which five I'll answer. So there.
}
} > 1) Where did you meet the lovely Lisa, and what
} > was it about her that so attracted you to her?
}
} That's two questions there. And I'm not going to
} answer either of them. Ha!
}
} > 2) When punishing Zadoc, what works best and why?
}
} Again, two questions. I'll answer both of these.
} Nothing seems to work on Zadoc, because it's almost
} impossible to get through to him. A good zotting makes
} me feel better, though.
}
} > 3) How far would I have to go to be allowed into
} > the great Oracle Priesthood?
}
} You would have to be willing to select many of this
} Incarnation's Oracularities for the Digests. Not
} pretty, I know. (I know you're listening, Mr Chew, you
} picked three of mine last month.)
}
} > 4) What sized sandals do you wear, and how do you
} > get them to shine so?
}
} Two questions again! You're really pushing your luck.
} Size ten-and-a-half US. How they get so shiny is my
} little secret.
}
} > 5) Is it true what they say is the secret use of
} > the Zotting staff, or was that just being circulated
} > by Zadoc because he was jealous of Lisa?
}
} Well, I guess that's just one question. No, Lisa does
} not use the Staff of Zot as an electric hair remover,
} Zadoc's just jealous of her silky smooth legs.
}
} > So - now you answer these 5 questions, then write
} > the 5 questions you want to ask me, then the answers
} > to those that you know I'm going to give.
}
} 1} What is the complete proof to the Riemann
} Hypothesis?
}
} A> The Riemann what?
}
} 2} What is the nineteenth chapter of _Atlas Shrugged_,
} translated into Esperanto?
}
} A> Um, gee, I...
}
} 3} What's the record for the most threes run in a
} first-class cricket career?
}
} A> Uh...
}
} 4} Why did you try to trick me into answering eight
} questions instead of five?
}
} A> Hey, come on! Can't I have an easy one?
}
} 5} Okay. Does it hurt when I do this? *<ZOT!>*
}
} A> ...
}
} You don't owe me anything, that was fun.


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