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Internet Oracularities #1327

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1327, 1327-01, 1327-02, 1327-03, 1327-04, 1327-05, 1327-06, 1327-07, 1327-08, 1327-09, 1327-10


Internet Oracularities #1327    (59 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 17 Jul 2003 13:24:13 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1327
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1327  59 votes 8jkb1 15kna 39km5 27aim 1cta7 2ail8 3clh6 78mk2 7hgh2 2ackf
1327  3.3 mean  2.6   3.6   3.3   3.9   3.2   3.4   3.2   3.0   2.8   3.6


1327-01    (8jkb1 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I clicked the "sned" button but the message didn't go
> through.  What's wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Subscriber,
}
} Our records indicate that you are currently overdrawn by 5#-i
} micropayments. We regret to inform you that operations like sned(TM)
} and other Premium Services are currently unavailable for your account.
} In addition, you are being charged a %60-x service fee. Basic service
} will continue until the end of the month. However, we urge you to
} deposit credits into your MicroPay(TM) account at your earliest
} convenience, so that full functionality can be restored. If your
} account is not settled before the 15th of this month, service will be
} terminated on or before the last day of the current service month.
}
} Respectfully,
} Total Internet Accounting [[TIA]]
} ...
}
} You owe the Oracle 4#-p and 20


1327-02    (15kna dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In what ways are playing chess and getting in a bar room
> brawl the same?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's compare the two, shall we?
}
}                 CHESS                BAR ROOM BRAWL     SIMILAR?
}
} Start of        Opponents face       Opponents face       yes
} battle          each other warily    each other warily
}                 across a table       across a bar
}
} Opponent's      Yuri                 Bubba                 no
} name
}
} Initial         Feints to test       Feints to test       yes
} moves           opponent's           opponent's
}                 resolve              resolve
}
} Mid-game        Slow buildup         Slow buildup         yes
}                 of strength          of anger
}
} How to tell     Missing              Missing              yes
} that you're     pieces               teeth
} losing
}
} Decisive        Unexpected           Unexpected           yes
} moment          and devastating      and devastating
}                 attack               attack
}
} Final           Checkmate            Unconsciousness      yes
} outcome
}
} So there you have it - the only real difference between a chess
} game and a bar room brawl is the name of your opponent.
}
} You owe the Oracle a stiff drink and an effective response to
} the Nimzovich-Larsen attack.


1327-03    (39km5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Without fear of animadversion I stand before the One and Only
>  Internet Oracle, wisest of the Entities whose works appear on
>  USENET.  You are this planet's greatest resource, a deep well
>  of wisdom that aids us all. You are both Capital and Rational.
>
>  How can I rid the world of cancer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good question.  But from your query it is obvious that you do not fully
} understand the origins of Cancer, so without further ado...
}
} **wavey picture blurs out and into the new scene**
}
} SCENE: the swamps of Lerna, a long^(really big number) time ago
}
} Hercules:  Alas, in my madness, I have murdered my family.  But I will
}   make it right by slaying yonder beast!
} Hydra:  Oh no!  I do fear that yon madman intends to kill me.  Luckily I
}   am immortal.
} [ Hercules chops off one of the Hydra's heads.  Another grows in its
}   place.  Repeat until listeners get bored. ]
} Hercules:  Curses!  This monster proves a larger challenge than
}   anticipated.
} Hydra:  *yawn* I grow tired of this.  I will summon a giant crab named
}   Cancer to finish him
} [ Cancer appears with a *TOZ* sound. ]
} Hercules:  Ye gods!  A crab whatever will I do?!?
} [ Cancer bites Hercules' foot.  Hercules just laughs. ]
} Hercules:  Who do you think I am?  Achilles?
} [ Hercules slays Cancer. ]
} Hydra:  Oh no!  I shall honor mine fallen comrade by giving him a place
}   in the heavens.
} Hercules:  You're next.
} Hydra:  Nyet.  Can't get me unless you know the secret that only
}   destroying a specific one of my heads will kill me.  Oops...
}
} Orrie: Anyhow, long story shorter, Hercules went on the slay the Hydra
} and then do a lot of other stuff.  Now, the subject of your question,
} however, went on to become M44 (NGC 2632), a distant cluster of stars
} between 520 and 590 light years away from Earth.  In fact, with light
} pollution, you can't even see it with the naked eye anymore.  So rest
} assured, the world has already been rid of Cancer and you can just kick
} back and bemoan the scarcity of monsters for the would-be hero of today
} to fight.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 1,040 to 1,180 year vacation to determine just how
} far away M44 (NGC 2632) really is.


1327-04    (27aim dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  O great Oracle who designs all these fantastic constants:
>  Please tell me why we have to do pointless AND boring experiments
> in physics to find inaccurate versions of constants that we already
> know?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ohm my god - Avogadro tell you a story Joule really like!
}
} I Nu this fellow Schroedinger who was great at interviewing people - he
} was like an emcee, squared. Anyway, Theta-ther day Schroedinger offered
} to sell me his cat (I guess he didn't Quantum). So, um, the Moment,um,
} I first see this cat he Volts! And now every time I come home he
} Boltz,mann! He gets Tensor and Tensor.. like his former owner was
} torturing him on Dirac!
}
} I wanted to Force Schroedinger to explain, but the Current issue was my
} cat's Resistance to be around me. Then one day after Mass, I turned on
} the Vacuum, and the Volume surprised him so much that when I turned it
} off, he acted as gentle as a Lambdoes. So now I take him to the
} Circuits seven times a week - that's a Faraday!
}
} Anyway, I went to c Schroedinger. "Did you Hertz that cat? Phi on you!"
} I said.
}
} But he exploded: "Watt!??! Such Impedance! That Torr it - you used to
} have Potential, but if you don't speak with Gravity, the end of your
} career is Lumen!"
}
} Well, it was all I could do to Coulomb down, but I don't want to Bohr
} you with the details. Planck's for a great question!
}
} You owe the Orace a joke that ends: "Vector? I barely know her!"


1327-05    (1cta7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do i feel so uncomfortable in relationships that they just dont
> last?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do I really need to answer that question, Oedipus?


1327-06    (2ail8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most perplexingly brilliant,
>
> Why do you sometimes give me an answer that doesn't match my question
> at all?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Easy. Move the bishop to c5, and that sets up the mate at f8, with
} bishop and rook.
}
} You owe the Oracle a white knight.


1327-07    (3clh6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I the only sane being in this mad mad mad mad world?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You dare question the sanity of Napoleon, king of zebras? You orange
} granule! I shall smite thee with my striped breadstick! I shall pelt
} thee with legumes! You will be hung by your trombone!
}
} You owe Napoleon a beryllium sandwich.


1327-08    (78mk2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
> The Weapons of Mass Destruction were a pack of lies, and we all fell
> for it.
> The story of the 'heroic' rescue of Private Lynch was a pack of lies,
> and we all fell for it.
> The 'jubilant crowds of Iraqis' pulling down Saddams statue was a pack
> of lies, and we all fell for it.
>
> What's the next pack of lies we're all going to fall for ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Does my ass look too big in this jumper?"
} "Is this lipstick on your collar?"
} "Whatcha thinkin' 'bout?"
}
} Tough Questions. You Need Answers. Fast.
}
} Enter...
}
}        The All-New and Improved
}               OraCo Brand
}
}             L I E   P A C K
}
} Each pack of OraCo's New and Improved Lie Pack contains twenty-four
} bonafide fibs for general situations where your trust is on the line.
} Forget your anniversary? I bought this big honking diamond ring and
} I'll be damned if a cow didn't eat it! No problem! Out of the doghouse
} for at least as long as it takes Bessie to digest that fictional ring
} and for you to get to the jewelry store before it closes.
}
} Each card is plastic coated and typeset in large, friendly letters.
} OraCo's New and Improved Lie Pack retails for $14.95, two packs for
} $24.95. Collect 'em. Trade 'em. Guard them with your life.
}
} OraCo. Making Your Life Just A Bit More Tolerable.
}
} You owe the Oracle a patent, a trademark, and a service mark.


1327-09    (7hgh2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  >>>>>>
>    >>>>>>
>      >>>>>>
>        >>>>>>
>      >>>>>>
>    >>>>>>
>  >>>>>>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aha, a heraldry question.
}
} The answer is 'six lions rampant on a field gold'.
}
} You owe the oracle a heraldry dictionary.


1327-10    (2ackf dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
> how many ways are there to skin a cat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are N ways to skin a cat.
}
} We can rule out all all N <= 1, because everyone knows there's more
} than one way to skin a cat.  Also, there must be a finite number of
} ways we can skin any given cat, limited by the number of lives it has.
} So N must also be less than or equal to 9 for any specific cat.
}
} However, this formulation is only valid for cases in which there is
} only one cat.  So for practical purposes, one can multiply the upper
} limit to 9 times the number of cats used.
}
} Thus, the domain comes out to:
}
} 1 < W <= 9C
}
} Where W is the number of ways to skin a cat, and C is the number of
} cats being used.  [ Presumably, you could skin some of your cats the
} same way. ]
}
} However, if there are any representatives of PETA or the SPCA in the
} vincinity, W will collapse rapidly to zero.
}
} You owe the Oracle several inventive, painful ways to skin animal
} rights protesters.


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