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Internet Oracularities #1329

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Internet Oracularities #1329    (57 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 05 Aug 2003 08:57:03 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1329
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1329  57 votes 4oi74 4alk2 57lj5 1a7of 29igc 15cof 1chl6 0ageh 6fid5 1ejh6
1329  3.3 mean  2.7   3.1   3.2   3.7   3.5   3.8   3.3   3.7   2.9   3.2


1329-01    (4oi74 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most venerated, stupendous and crenellated,
> There has been an upsurge in MIME activity in the queue recently.
> What steps can we take against this plague?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Plague is the word & No Mistake! Many are the summer afternoons
} at the park that have been irretrievably spoiled by MIME activity!
} I find them to be the absolute creepiest of all street performers.
} As for steps to take:  If there weren't practical concerns to advise
} against it, I'd advocate flame throwers! Barring that, I find that
} an "Intimidation Dance" a la the Maori of Polynesia to be effective,
} although exhausting.


1329-02    (4alk2 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise,
>
> I'm *sure* that there's a better reaction to the ceiling falling down
> in this room than what I'm doing. What is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Foolish supplicant, not only is it so that there is *a* better
} reaction, but it seems to me (and I am oniscient, therefore, it is
} so) that all other courses of action would be better. Seeing how
} your computer is much more limited than mine it could not sample an
} email describing all the things you should rather be doing. Thus,
} here are the
}
} ><>< Top Ten Things To Do When The Ceiling Is ><><
} ><><   Falling Down In The Room You Are In    ><><
}
} 10. Leave room as quickly as possible.
}
} 9. Look for shelter.
}
} 7. Call your mom.
}
} 6. Call your significant other if applicable.
}
} 5. Undergo heroic attempts to sacrifice yourself for the rescue
} of others.
}
} 4. Pray
}
} 3. If you've hitherto been an atheist, reconsider, quickly chose an
} appropriate religion and pray, anyway.
}
} 2. Have sex.
} (Unlikley to be successful, but it's your last chance failing to make
} use of options 10. , 9., 4. or 3. above.)
}
} 1. Scream, yell, panic.
} Most likely to be succesfull, but with a highly impractible definition
} of "success" being applied. I.e. chances are you wil lbe able to
} scream, yell and panic to your heart's contempt - briefly - but you
} won't be better off for it.
}
} Under no account should you ever attempt to calmly stay in front of
} your computer and e-mail for general advise.
}
} Well, make that under no account but one; there is, after all, a dim
} chance that you really do want to get this year's first place in the
} annual Darwin Awards.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new computer with roll-over bar and head
} protection should you ever be found and revitalized.


1329-03    (57lj5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does garlic taste so good at night, but tastes so bad the morning
> after?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} C'mon, Vlad. If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times. Stop
} lurking around outside Italian restaurants. They're no good for you.
} It's like sniffing glue: the person you're *really* hurting is
} yourself.


1329-04    (1a7of dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you know everything already, does that mean I don't have free will?
>
> (You already predestined that I fail to grovel, for instance.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, dear supplicant (well, not so dear as the ones who do grovel
} properly, but I'll overlook that for the moment), what you fail to
} realize is what exactly the word "everything" includes. Certainly, I
} know about all the things that you will do, from now on through the
} rest of your life. But I also know about all the things that you
} *won't* do: I am aware of *all* the possibilities, for every quantum
} event from now until the heat death of the universe.
}
} Which specific decisions you make -- whether you'll wear the white
} socks with the hole in the toe or the striped socks with the hole in
} the heel (you know, you really ought to buy some new socks) -- aren't
} determined until the appropriate wave functions are collapsed.
} Naturally, as the Oracle, I can choose to collapse those functions in
} order to make a prediction, as I so often do when answering
} supplicants' questions about the future.
}
} Some supplicants are bothered by this, claiming that by making such
} predictions I take away their free will (even though it was your own
} fault for asking the question, Janice Greeley of Sammammish, Washington
} -- I know you're reading this in the digests). They are well within
} their rights to try to subvert my predictions and act counter to their
} own quantum predeterminations. It *will* cause a paradox in space-time
} that will destroy/will have destroyed/willen haven being destructen
} (sorry -- mucking about with space time wreaks havoc on English verb
} grammar) their universe and every living thing in it (including the
} kittens), but that genocide will be own their hands, not mine (or would
} be, if they still had any hands, as opposed to having had them
} destroyed along with the rest of their universe).
}
} And of course, an infinite number of otherwise identical supplicants
} will continue their lives in their own otherwise identical parallel
} universes that *weren't* destroyed by a simple lack of consideration
} for the fabric of reality. So you might as well just go along with it
} and think twice before asking any more questions about things what man
} was not yet to know.
}
} You owe the Oracle fifty thousand dollars. In fact, you *will give* the
} Oracle fifty thousand dollars. I have foreseen it. And you wouldn't
} want anything to happen bad to this kitten, would you?


1329-05    (29igc dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So who _did_ let the dogs out?  Has anyone called the SPCA?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Woof.  Woof, Woof.  Woof.
}
} Although that does not, as it seems, answer your question, since it is
} always followed by a repetition of your question.  Of course, the
} answer to your question likewise never changes, suggesting one of two
} possibilities.
}
}     1) Those who answer the question are unable to understand why their
} answer does not satisify the questioner.
}
}     2) Those who ask the question are unable to understand the answer.
}
} Since you have asked this of the Oracle, it cannot be the first:  that
} is impossible.  It must therefore be the second.  Since you do not
} understand "Woof.  Woof, Woof.  Woof" to be an proper answer to your
} query, the Oracle will not begrudge you an explanation of its answer.
}
} "Woof." --- Are there dogs out?  I sense from the question that there
} are dogs out.  There must be dogs out.
}
} "Woof," --- You there, who has alerted me to the dogs being out, why
} are you not letting me out?  I want to go out.  If there are dogs out,
} I must also go out with them.
}
} "Woof." --- Perhaps you did not hear my last statement.  Let me repeat
} it.  You there, who has alerted me to the dogs being out, why are you
} not letting me out?  I want to go out.  If there are dogs out, I must
} also go out with them.
}
} "Woof."  I see that you do not understand me.  It is obvious that it is
} not you who has let the dogs out.  I will therefore ignore your
} requests to not hump your mother's thighs.
}
} You owe the Oracle an appointment with the vet.


1329-06    (15cof dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty and all-knowing Oracle, please grant me an answer to my
> question...
>  Will Camille ever find her soul mate and live happily ever after?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} News flash: She did, thirty-four years ago. Only problems were that (a)
} her soulmate was Gulfport, Louisiana; (b) she was a Category 5
} hurricane; and (c) the noise and the thrashing around were a bit much
} for the neighbors.
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of satin sheets and a Doppler radar.


1329-07    (1chl6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Brilliant one,
> definer of all that is defined,
> formatter of all that is formatted,
>
> Why is the day divided into 24 "hour" periods?  Wouldn't ten or 100
> make more sense?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because ten is too little and one hundred is too much and 24 is
} just right.  Besides, everyone since the ancient mesopotamians knew
} that geostationary satellites such as the OPTUS Q5 take 24 hours to
} orbit the earth, so they based the day off that.
}
} You owe the oracle an hour of your time.


1329-08    (0ageh dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who would win an election for wisest Deity if such a
> contest was held, though it need not be since -everyone- knows
> you are the best and anyone who said other wise would be tore
> limb from limb by your countless admirers,
>
> How does writing to the Oracle differ from writing to Santa?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You'd better not shout, you'd better not yell,
} You'd better not type in HTML.
} Oracle is coming to town.
}
} He's handsome and smart, and he's a crack shot,
} He's making a list of people to ZOT!
} Oracle is coming to town.
}
} He has the Ancient Wisdom!
} He sees through every eye!
} He knows when you have drained the queue!
} He's an all-round special guy!
}
} You'd better not shout, you'd better not bawl,
} You'd better not mention w********s at all.
} Oracle is coming to town.


1329-09    (6fid5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "Unless they alter their course and there's no reason why they should,
> they'll reach your computer lab in two days at the latest."
>
> Kinzler sucked placidly at a pen cap and for a few seconds gazed
> without answering at the agitated Assistant Dean.  Then he took the pen
> from his lips, and leaned slightly forward.  With his short, dark hair,
> bulky nose, and lucid eyes, he had the look of an aging and shabby
> software engineer.
>
> "Decent of you," he murmured, "padding all this way just to give me the
> tip.  But you're pulling my leg of course when you say I must do a
> bunk. Why, even a herd of undergrads couldn't drive me from the lab of
> mine."
>
> The college official threw up lean and lanky arms and clawed the air
> with wildly distended fingers.  "Kinzler!" he shouted.  "You're
> insane!"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ The Oracle sets down the script and pretends
}   to think about it for a second. ]
}
} Oracle: Well, I do like the local color angle, but
}         I just don't think America is ready for a
}         film in real time about a sub-basement being
}         attacked by snails. Thanks anyway. Plate of
}         salt? Ho, ho, just kidding. Sheesh, keep
}         your shell on.


1329-10    (1ejh6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_0018_01C35ABD.CD124030
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1"
>
> Why shall my Ying constantly crave for some Yang ??
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_0018_01C35ABD.CD124030--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: Let's find out!
}
} [ The Oracle claps his hands and out rushes
}   a MIME, in traditional white face make-up
}   and all black clothing. The Oracle claps
}   his hands again and out rushes an anti-
}   MIME, a very chatty lass dressed all in
}   white with a mask of obsidian. ]
}
} Oracle: Watch!
}
} [ The MIME and anti-MIME circle each other
}   warily, faster and faster --until the
}   two are a blur of gray. Then suddenly they
}   stop and hug, they are now one. ]
}
} Zadoc: That is the single cutest answer ever
}        Wise One.
}
} Oracle: Dang it Zadoc! When you're right,
}         you're right.
}
} [ The Oracle zots both the MIME and anti-MIME
}   into a smoldering mess. ]
}
} Oracle: I hate MIMEs. I should have made one
}         of that one an anti-matter-anti-MIME
}         then when they hugged KABOOM! Hee, hee.
}
} Zadoc: Evil sir, Wise, yet evil.
}
} You owe the Oracle an obsidian mask that doesn't
} weigh thirty five pounds and doesn't slice ones'
} fingers up when you try and lift it.


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