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Internet Oracularities #133

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133, 133-01, 133-02, 133-03, 133-04, 133-05, 133-06, 133-07, 133-08, 133-09, 133-10


Usenet Oracularities #133    (10 votes, 3.1 mean, offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 6 Mar 90 23:02:59 -0500

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133   10 votes 13240 45100 00451 11125 12313 45100 11440 04330 11125 00172
133   3.1 mean  2.9   1.7   3.7   3.9   3.3   1.7   3.1   2.9   3.9   4.1


133-01    (13240 dist, 2.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose personal financial history the toadies of the
> IRS dare never audit...
>
> What are the socio-religious implications of my mating with my own sofa
> and loveseat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, I myself experienced this rather unusual situation only a few
} years ago, involving the (at the time) rather attractive setee in my
} livingroom.  I was quite depressed when the warm and giving act of love
} did not sprout a child within the expected time (alas, it never came an
} offspring of that tender relationship).
}         However, when I was on the verge of breaking down mentally, I
} found comfort in a few books which I will list below:
}         - "The Rise and Fall in Love of Furniture", by an unknown author
} This is a three volume set of Q&A, answering every aspect of man-sofa
} and man-soft chair relationships.
}         - "Singular Bedf**kers", by J.  Umpjump Jr.  THE reference on
} the more kinkier parts of furniture's sex life.  A must!  I got several
} good ideas from it myself which I proceeded to apply to different forms
} of stools and bed tables.
}
} You owe the oracle a virgin french sofa.


133-02    (45100 dist, 1.7 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhH!
>
> The PAINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
>
> I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE IT!
>
> Where can I get some more?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Come over here. Bend over this desk. Pants off.
} Now then, see this? This is a senior boys' school cane.
} WHAPPP!
} WHAPPP!
} WHAPPP!
} Hmm. I think we could do with a little more, don't you?
} WHAPP!
} WHAAPP!
} WHAAAPP!
} Now. hold out your hand. Left one first. Palm up:
} I think we'll use the rigid bamboo cane for this one.
} WHIPP! WHIPP!
} Palm down:
} WHIPP! WHIPP!
} And the right hand. Palm up, please. Stop that snivelling.
} WHIPP! WHIPP!
} And on the back.
} WHIPP! WHIPP!
} Now we'll attend to your thighs, I think. Trousers right off,
} please.
} The long cane again, I think
} WHACK!
} WHACK!
} You've wet yourself, you naughty child.
} Put your left leg on the stool, and I'll attend to the thigh
} harder.
} WHACK!
} WHACK!
} And the right thigh...
} WHACK!
} WHACK!
} Now the bottom again.
} WHAPP!
} WHAPP!
} WHAPP!


133-03    (00451 dist, 3.7 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I die, will I be reborn as something else?  If so, what?  If not,
> what will happen to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         That, my son, is up to you.  You must make your own decisions in
} this life, and your station beyond this life will depend on them.  No
} Oracle, no matter how great, can tell you what lies ahead for your
} immortal soul, for the future is mutable, and the Oracle is but a bishop
} on the chessboard of the cosmos.
}
}         I can give you some guidelines, though, to help you make an
} informed decision.  These are what _most_ people of various lifestyles
} become after their deaths....
}
}                    lawyer  ->  bacterium
}            philanthropist  ->  housecat
}         physicist (bombs)  ->  dove
}      physicist (no bombs)  ->  cockroach
}     politician (democrat)  ->  worm
}   politician (republican)  ->  ugly worm
}     gas station attendant  ->  anteater
}             mass murderer  ->  frog
}                7-11 clerk  ->  tropical fish
}             computer geek  ->  computer geek
}
}         I hope this is of some help to you.  May you choose wisely, my
} son.


133-04    (11125 dist, 3.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle:
>
> As is well known, you impose the rule on us mortals that we never ask
> you more than one question at a time.  Some people break this rule and
> send several, totally unrelated questions (like the following, which
> appeared in rec.humor some time ago:  "Why is orange juice yellow?  And
> what's so great about sliced bread, anyway?").  In those cases you,
> quite justly, refuse to answer more than one of the questions.  These
> people, after all, have tried to abuse the rules and therefore deserve
> nothing but abuse.
>
> Recently, however, I've noticed that people who really ask just *one*
> question, but for stylistic reasons divide it up into subquestions, or
> people who add a quite rhetorical follow-up question (which really
> shouldn't be counted) to their question, are *very* rudely told that
> they have broken the rules and that hence you refuse to answer their
> questions.  Sometimes, you even tell them, quite explicitly, what they
> can do with their questions.
>
> Now, I don't think this is fair.  After all, some of these people are
> really worried about something, and do a lot of work to formulate as
> good a question as possible, and are then just told to "piss off, you
> mustn't formulate yourself like that".
>
> To make things worse, on other occasions you gladly answer two or even
> three questions at a time.
>
> I think that you, divine Oracle as you may be, are simply lazy, and that
> you use this "one question only rule" as an excuse to avoid answering
> certain questions.  Maybe something like this goes on in the Oracular
> brain:  "Oh, that's a difficult question.  Shit, looks like I'll
> actually have to *think*.  No, wait a minute, there's a follow-up
> question!  Good, then I'll just call up net.hell and ask them to deliver
> some amusing insults, and I can go continue trying to get into Lisa's
> panties."
>
> What do you have to say to your defence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now, just a minute here, young man!  I am far, far more aware of the
} true state of mind of my querents than you are.  Some of them really
} have a single question phrased multiply, which I answer; others really
} have several questions, and by the Rules I am required to tell them to
} go screw a bicycle in a snowstorm.
}
} [BEWARE!  BEWARE!  FOR THE ORACLE IS TRYING TO WEASEL OUT OF
} RESPONSIBILTY FOR SCREWING UP!]
}
} Wha?  What's that?  God, are you checking up on me again?
}
} GOD:  No, but it looks as if I should be.  What on Earth are you doing
} wearing that ...  that ...  is it a tutu?  Or a pair of split-crotch
} panties?
}
} No, it's a ...  a ...  high-intensity rosary...  yes ...  that's it ...
}
} GOD:  Ahem.  I have never heard of a "high-intensity rosary." Can you
} explain the function of that vibrating appendage?
}
} Well ...  um ...  it's supposed to convey ...  convey spiritual energies
} ...  spiritual vibrations ...  you know ...
}
} GOD:  I have not been completely informed about all the innovations in
} techoreligion, I see.  And that beverage in the beaker at your left
} elbow?
}
} Holy ...  holy ...  tomato juice!  Yes!  holy tomato juice!  From the
} First Church of Christ Vegetarian!
}
} GOD:  They're still coming up with more Christian churches?
}
} Yes!  Yes!  Zillions of new churches!  There's the Church of Christ
} Social-Scientist, the First Baptist Church of Lower 15th Street,
} Christian Church Full Of People Who Like To Make Large Sums of Money and
} Not Feel Guilty About It, the Church of Christ Orthodontist, and lots
} more.
}
} GOD:  That's very interesting, but it doesn't explain those unusual
} photographs.
}
} Well ...  well ...  photographs ...  photographs?  ...  oh, you mean
} *those* photographs.  Heh.  I can explain those photographs.  I used a
} special f/2.1 camera and 61.3mm film, ...
}
} GOD:  I don't care how you took the photographs.  I want you to explain
} the *scenes* on the photographs.
}
} Well ...  scenes?  ...  oh, you mean the pictures ...  the rabbit is
} named Flossie ...  I think the goat is called Eleanor ...  that's a
} senior Bush aide wearing the bunny suit ...
}
} GOD:  Well, what's going on?
}
} Um ...  um ...  well ...  well ...  it's a game of bridge.
}
} GOD:  Bridge?
}
} Yes.  Bridge.
}
} GOD:  You were playing bridge with a goat and a rabbit?
}
} No!  No!  Not at all!  Not at all!!!!
}
} GOD:  Well, just what was going on?
}
} Um ...  er ...  I was photographing the bridge game ...  I was hiding in
} the shrubbery you see...  I stumbled on the bridge game ...  and ...  I
} happened to have a camera with me ...  so ...  so ...  I wanted to ...
} to ...  to ...  blackmail the Bush aide.
}
} GOD:  And just what did you hope to accuse him of?
}
} Cheating!  He was playing two hands himself!  He was being the partner
} of both the other two!
}
} GOD:  Oracle, you are being quite strange today.  Now go and answer
} multiple quetions.


133-05    (12313 dist, 3.3 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  I was putting some socks away in Timmy's room when I came across a copy
> of "Leather n Ludes", a can of 40W motor oil, and Jean Kirkpatrick's 900
> number.
>
>  I blame those horrid heavy metal albums he listens to all the time.  Do
> you think Tipper Gore would come over for lunch and scold him ?
>
>                                          Mrs.  Irma Housewife
>                                          1 Lillywhite Way
>                                          Middle America, USA

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Irma (you don't mind if I call you Irma, do you?), I think the
} only way we could find out is if we called up Tipper and asked...
}
} rrrrring... rrrrring... rrrrring...
}
} >> Hello, this is Hell.  What the fuck do you want?
}
} }} Sorry, wrong number...
}
} Bloody auto-dialer... let me try again...
}
} rrrrring... rrrrring... rrrrring... rrrrring...
}
} >> Hello, Gore residence.  How may I help you?
}
} }} I'd like to speak to Tipper, thank you.
}
} >> And who may I say is calling?
}
} }} The Usenet Oracle.
}
} >> Thank you, please hold.  **CLICK**
}
} >> "I'm dreaming of a white..."
}
} >> Hello, Tippy here.  How ya doin', Oracle baby?  Why don't you drop by
} >> more often?  It gets SOOO lonely here, and a lady can boink her
} >> butler only so many times...
}
} }} TIPPER!  We're on the air!
}
} >> So wha... WHAT! Wait...  Those damn media pimps!  And the phone
} >> company!  Yeah, that's the ticket!  The phone company, using funds
} >> collected from their sleazy 900 sex numbers, they edited my voice!
} >> Yeah!  I would never, uh, have carnal knowledge of my butler!
}
} }} That's all very interesting, Tipper, but we have a problem... It
} }} looks like Timmy Housewife is poisoning his brain with some heavy
} }} metal albums...
}
} >> Metallica?  Guns & Roses?  Guns & Roses, now there's a group that
} >> produces some pretty gnarly records.  I mean, PORNOGRAPHIC records!
} >> They should be burned!
}
} }} The records should be burned?
}
} >> No, the group should be burned!
}
} }} That's fascinating, Tipper.  But what are you going to do about
} }} Timmy?
}
} >> What do you want me to do?
}
} }} Irma wants you to scold him.
}
} >> Sounds delicious... um, how long is he?  I MEAN, how big is... No,
} >> I mean, how old is he?
}
} }} Not sure.  Do you know?
}
} >> How in the hell would I....
}
} Message from Chat_Daemon@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu at 18:46 ...
} chat: connection requested by satan@pandemonium.Hell.GOV.
} chat: respond with: chat satan@pandemonium.Hell.GOV
}
} Oh damn...
}
} ]] You rang?
}
} }} Actually, no, but I...
}
} >> Satan!  How nice to see you, babe!
}
} ]] Tippy!  Looking as fabuloso as ever!
}
} }} Actually...
}
} >> Say, big S, why don't you and Oracle here drop by, and I'll get the
} >> whipped cream, and we'll make a sundae?
}
} ]] Sounds tasty to me...
}
} }} NOW HOLD ON ONE GOSH DARN MINUTE!  Let's put this aside and get back
} }} to the point at hand!
}
} ]] Which is?
}
} >> Oracle here wants to save the soul of Timmy Housewife.
}
} ]] Izzat so?
}
} }} Actually...
}
} >> Timmy has gotten into sex, drugs, and rock & roll.
}
} ]] Well, at least he isn't a TV evangelist!  What were his crimes,
} ]] anyway?
}
} }} His mother found a copy of "Leather n Ludes", a can of 40W motor oil,
} }} and Jean Kirkpatrick's 1-900 number in his bedroom.
}
} ]] Housewife... Housewife... name sounds familiar.  Let me pop up a new
} ]] shell...
}
} ]] Got it!  That stuff is Mr. Housewife's.  It seems that Jimmy...
}
} }} Timmy.
}
} ]] Whatever.  Anyway, the kid caught his dad and his dad's secretary
} ]] playing "Strip Limbo" one night, and this is his father's revenge.
}
} >> Nice family.  Anyway, if you guys aren't doing anything tonight...
}
} ]] I'll be there.
}
} }} Count me in.
}
} >> Great. See ya later.
}
} [connection closing. exiting.]
} [connection closing. exiting.]
}
} Well, that's the scoop, Irma.  Personally, I think George could use a
} little scolding more than Timmy.  Poor Timmy, he is just an innocent
} victim of all this.
}
} You owe the Oracle 27 cans of Redi-Whip.
} The Oracle has conversed.


133-06    (45100 dist, 1.7 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Why do we, in Western society, have such terrible problems with
> human relationships?  For example, why are we so hung up with sex?  It's
> just a natural way of expressing love, but our society burdens it with
> all sorts of baggage--it's "dirty", it's "shameful", and so on.  How can
> anyone be happy in a society with such depraved ideas?  And how can this
> society to rid itself of these problems?
>
>         If you can answer these questions, oh mighty Oracle, I would be
> eternally grateful.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to leave; my
> Mistress wants to tie me to a doorknob and beat me until I wet my pants.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is nothing you can do except shed your own inhibitions.  I hope
} your mistress uses a long whip, slips your pants down at the back, and
} gives you twenty-four firm, hot strokes on the bare bottom.


133-07    (11440 dist, 3.1 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What kinds of edible berries are available in South Africa?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The glasnostberry -- which opens your mind but stains your forehead.
}
} The Quayleberry -- which revokes your mind and makes you smile.
}
} The googleplexberry -- which is bigger than you can imagine.
}
} The bundyberry -- which makes you murder and vote Democrat.
}
} The freddyberry -- which makes you rot, kill teens, and grow your nails.
}
} The bushberry -- which makes you popular, and look like Mr.  Rogers.
}
} The GQberry -- which makes you pout pensively.
}
} The spamberry -- which is pink and squishy.
}
} The godberry -- which is vast, undefineable, and alternately nice and
}                 nasty.
}
} The DECberry -- which drops slowly to the ground while promising new
}                 fruits.
}
} The IBMberry -- which just sorta sits there.
}
} The Oracleberry -- Hands off.


133-08    (04330 dist, 2.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I asked thee:
>
> > Who is the best:  Lisa or Barbara?
>
> And thou spakest:
>
> } Well, after sleeping with both, I would have to say, "Lisa".
> }
> } Lisa has Larger ba boom's and can last twice as long!
>
> That's what I thought.  All you can think of is sex.  I didn't say
> anithing about that at all.  You fell in my trap.  OK, I don't blame
> you for that.  :-)
>
> Oh mighty Oracle, I should specify my question better:
>
> Who is the best strip dancer, Lisa or Barbara?  Just to watch, I mean.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      The oracle apologies for circumstances beyond it's control.  The
} reason for the previous reply being sexually transmitted to you, was
} that, unbeknown to all of us here at the oracle, Zeus had delegated an
} insignificant demigod with mortal propensities of no light character,
} whilst he went off to grind out some more gods with Juno; thus it was
} this lesser sprat who answered your last query.  However, let it be
} known that Zeus speaketh to you this time, in all his wisdom, glory,
} magnificance, and Oh get on with it!  OK.
}
}      Barbara sprinkles that dreamly ambience as becomes a true artist;
} colourful, delicate and dependable; whereas Lisa has all the mechanics
} of a clumsy typo.  She bestrides the platform like an engine, and her
} performance is like a sunday flesh-market, closing down for the dogs and
} crows to scavenge the scraps of art shed and floundering festering; she
} is profane and utterly disreputable, to the very abyss of her melanic
} soul.  Barbara is a butterfly, dancing in the soft red rays of the
} bleeding sun, the angels of light, the ablution of her body.


133-09    (11125 dist, 3.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>   I'm very sorry.  My paper isn't on the influence of Spam on Hellenic
> architecture, it's on the influence of *Spain* on Hellenic architecture.
> Why is my professor's typewriter so blurry?
>   Your love slave,
>       Alyssa

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ha ha! How silly! To think that all that work was done on my part just
} because of a faulty typewriter! Ha ha! Well, don't worry, I'm not mad
} at you! How could anyone be mad at someone as sweet and beautiful as
} you?
}
} You owe the Oracle a picture of your sweet, smiling face. Bye now!
} ...
} Is she gone? Good!
}
} > mail lucifer@hothothot.ouch.com
} Subject: Something special for you!
} You know, Lucifer, I've been feeling real bad recently about the
} number of times I keep bugging you for favors, and I'd like to make it
} up to you. Just so we can be on good terms again. There's this girl I
} know named Alyssa. She's made it known that she loves sex, all kinds
} of sex, and that she'd probably be willing to make a nice deal with
} you in return for an upgrade on her sex life. Why don't you send up
} some representatives to talk to her? Hell, why don't you go yourself?
} I'm sure she could think of something really interesting to do with
} your horns! Don't say I never did anything for you!
}
} Your pal,
} The Usenet Oracle
} EOT
} >cd /misc/plagues
} >ls
} badbreath.plg       earwax.plg            jehovahswitnesses.plg
} boils.plg           elevatorpervert.plg   locusts.plg
} brokenlimbs.plg     fartattack.plg        lotsofboogers.plg
} b_o.plg             genitalwarts.plg      uncleralph.plg
} dustbunnies.plg     hornyroommate.plg     zitontipofnose.plg
} >alyssa < zitontipofnose.plg
} >alyssa < fartattack.plg
} >alyssa < genitalwarts.plg
} Error - illegal to redirect more than two plagues to target
}
}            SHIT! Hmmm...
}
} >rlogin alyssasbrain.alyssa.com
} login: alyssa
} Password:
}
}            Of course I know the password! I know everything!
}
} Welcome to Alyssa's Brain, running HumanUNIX 4.7
} Last login:  Sept 7 1986 02:32:51
}
} Alyssa's brain will be down March 9-12 for her period.
}
} >cat .cshrc
} set path=(/usr/motorcontrol /usr/drives/appetite /usr/drives/sex
} /util/organs .)
} alias bellybutton pleasure
} setenv IQ 120
} setenv SEX_DRIVE moderately_lustful
} seten^C
} >vi .cshrc
} alias bellybutton nausea
} setenv IQ 67
} setenv SEX_DRIVE horny_as_a_rabbit_in_heat
} :q
}
}        This is great! Ooh! One more thing!
}
} >mail kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
} Subject: Look where I am!
} Hahaha! Didn't think I could do it, did you?!
} EOT
} >logoff
} Connection closed
}
} Don't fuck with the Oracle.


133-10    (00172 dist, 4.1 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Most men enjoy getting blowjobs tremendously.  However, most
> women seem to HATE giving them and complain vehemently about the
> consistency and taste.  Why, then, didn't the almighty give semen the
> consistency and taste of something women like...such as chocolate, for
> instance, instead of a slimey, sticky, salty goo?  Was this a major
> blunder, or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} rlogin archives.creatrix.div
} Password:
}
} % cd ~god/earth/creation/design/animals/humans/subsystems/genitals
} Unknown user: god
}
}    [oops...wrong religion]
}
} % cd ~goddess/earth/birth/design/animals/humans/subsystems/genitals
} % more male.design
}
}    [several pages of stuff omitted]
}
} Seminal Fluid, physical characteristics.
}
}    - Must be appealing enough to allow for oral-genital intimacy as an
}      expression of love, and to allow suitably motivated humans to learn
}      to enjoy it.
}
}    - Must not be so appealing that oral-genital intimacy completely
}      dominates intercourse.  (We don't want these critters forgetting
}      to reproduce.)


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