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Internet Oracularities #1330

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1330, 1330-01, 1330-02, 1330-03, 1330-04, 1330-05, 1330-06, 1330-07, 1330-08, 1330-09, 1330-10


Internet Oracularities #1330    (62 votes, 3.4 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 09 Aug 2003 22:06:18 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1330
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1330  62 votes 0eln4 67kja 4dii9 3cggf 28fne 18jjf 3gqa7 2fejc 46ogc 34gkj
1330  3.4 mean  3.3   3.3   3.2   3.5   3.6   3.6   3.0   3.4   3.4   3.8


1330-01    (0eln4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh master of all knowledge who can tell a mule from a donkey from a
> platypus,
>
> "On mules we find two legs behind,
>  And two we find before.
>  We stand behind before we find,
>  What the two behind be for!"
>
> Since I don't have a mule, I can't find out. What are they for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They be for supporting the mule. Perfect proof of "intelligent
} design theory". They are precisely long enough to reach the ground.
} Any longer and the mule wold be stuck, any shorter and it would be
} defying physics.
}
} You owe the Oracle a book by Richard Dawkins.


1330-02    (67kja dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I grapple at this grovel,
> while I digest my dinner.
> The food has got me spinning,
> and surely I'm not grinning.
>
> Could the butter have been bad,
> or was it something else I had?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your dinner rolls were day-old,
} and underneath, all bread mold.
} The potatoes had been spat in
} 'cause your waiter was a bad 'un.
}
} The chef's incont'nent birdie
} got the gravy ladle dirty.
} Your pork had trichinosis
} and strychnine in two doses.
}
} Plus the broccoli was rotten,
} that candy was real cotton,
} it was a bad year for the wine --
} but the butter? That was fine.


1330-03    (4dii9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most mighty,
>
> What is Avacado's Number?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's the number of atoms in 12 grams of guacamole.


1330-04    (3cggf dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hark the Oracle is about to share with us some more of his
> wisdom! All fall silent and be heedful,
>
> How does an angry squirrel differ from a bank teller on fire?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One's a worrying banker and the other's a burying... oh, never mind.


1330-05    (28fne dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You master of all animals big and small,
>
> Can you imagine an imaginary menagerie manager imagining managing an
> imaginary menagerie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd rather postulate on the possibility of the poster of that
} particular poser being poleaxed in the posterior posthumously.


1330-06    (18jjf dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Okay, I know what the Schroedingers Cat experiment was, but I still
> need to know what the name of the cat was.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, I think you are placing too much importance on this
} question.
}
} We all know that there is only a 50% chance that the cat is alive.
}
} But alive or dead, it's still a cat, and there's a 0% chance of it
} actually coming when you call.
}
} You owe the Oracle Occam's Can Opener.


1330-07    (3gqa7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Grand Oracle, your words when they appear on my
> terminal drive for their duration away the droll
> plodding grey fog that is existence;
>
> What does the Gallows God like for breakfast?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Gallows God goes on the commercial circuit:
}
} REPORTER: Hey Odin, you just had your one millionth sacrificial victim
} hanged, what're you going to do now?
} ODIN: I'm going to Disneyland!
} [Orrie changes channel]
} ODIN: You know, being a Gallows God takes a lot of work.  And those
} lightning bolts are hot.
} VOICEOVER: Stress stinks!  Arid works!
} ODIN: That's why I'm glad I have a deodorant that can handle my activity
} level.
} VOICEOVER: Designed for a man, but strong enough for a God.
} [*Flip*, and of course]
} ODIN: It takes a lot of strength to be a God, that's why I like to start
} off every day with a big bowl of Wheaties!
}
} You owe the Oracle exclusive rights to the Odin action figure and lunch
} box markets.


1330-08    (2fejc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, none but you are great enough to answer this. In fact,
> whenever I think about it, I'm amazed at your greatness.  Great. Great.
> Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great.
> Great. Great. Great. You're so great that I didn't even using copy and
> paste to type all those great's. Why? Because you're that great. In
> fact, you're so great that I'm sure you'll give me a great answer to
> this question.
>
> How does numerology work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It works great.
}
} You owe the Oracle a grater.


1330-09    (46ogc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, revealer of secrets,
>
> How can I gain an understanding of women?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You would think that the easiest way to understand a woman would be
} to convince her to climb a ladder; however in practice, doing this
} can be very difficult.  I suggest the following process.
}
} STEP 1: Wait for said woman to point out that a) the house needs
} painting, b) the gutters need cleaning, or c) the roof needs
} re-shingling.
}
} STEP 2: Suggest that she take care of this herself.
}
} STEP 3: Go buy a dozen apology roses, a ladder, and the appropriate
} equipment for whichever of a-c was uttered in STEP 1.
}
} STEP 4: Give roses to said woman, apologize, and say that you'll take
} care of the task yourself.
}
} STEP 5: Spend several weeks watching TV instead.
}
} STEP 6: Buy a dozen more apology roses.  And a cane: the reason for
} this will become clear later on.
}
} STEP 7: Give roses to said woman, apologize, and say that you'll
} stop procrastinating.
}
} STEP 8: Set up ladder next to the house.
}
} STEP 9: Array other supplies next to the ladder.
}
} STEP 10: Spend several weeks watching TV.
}
} STEP 11: Buy a dozen more apology roses.
}
} STEP 12: Give roses to said woman, apologize, and say that you'll
} stop procrastinating.
}
} STEP 13: Climb ladder.
}
} STEP 14: Fall to the ground and break your back.  I mean, you should
} have known better than to climb a ladder in STEP 13.
}
} STEP 15: Scream loudly.  The woman will see that your back is broken
} and conclude that she must do the chore herself.
}
} STEP 16: Now you're almost done: the woman is technically above you.
} Now you just need to stand, which is what the cane you bought in STEP
} 6 is for.  Congratulations!  You are the first person to understand
} a woman.
}
} STEP 17 (optional): Since the woman did do the chore for you AND drive
} you to the hospital after it was done, you might want to consider
} getting another dozen roses.  If you've been using the punch card
} that your rose vendor gave you, they should be half off too.
}
} STEP 18: Repeat process for any other women that you wish to
} understand.
}
}  Wasn't that easy?
}
} You owe the Oracle a dozen roses with a card that says "Dear Lisa,
} I'm sorry I've been procrastinating."


1330-10    (34gkj dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Oracle most stunning, whose every word is a sonic orgasm in the
>  ears of your lowly supplicant, whose face could launch every ship ever
>  built, whose eyes have more power than Superman wearing contact
>  lenses, whose mind is more vast than the wide reaches of space and
>  contains more information than all the libraries in the universe,
>  whose personality is so charming that the very birds in the trees and
>  beasts of the sea and earth would die for you, whose hand are more
>  deft and sure than a master craftsman on his best day, whose garden is
>  always neatly pruned and tasteful, whose coffers are full of more
>  wealth than Croesus himself, whose staff of *ZOT* could knock a
>  Irishman down faster than ten bottles of whisky, whose computer never
>  crashes even if running Windows 95, whose girlfriend is the rarest and
>  most beautiful of all, and whose capacity for wonder and brilliance is
>  beyond measure...
>
>  Oh bugger, I forgot what I was going to ask.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't worry, many supplicants get tongue-tied by my granduer.  Luckily,
} I know what you were going to ask.
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
}  >What question am I going to ask you?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } You're not going to ask me a question.  You're going to forget what
} } it was you were going to ask.
} }
} } You owe the Oracle a grovel to go along with your question.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question to go along with your grovel.  Knowing
} your intentions, we'll call it even.


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