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Internet Oracularities #1331

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Internet Oracularities #1331    (58 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 16 Aug 2003 16:28:54 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1331
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1331  58 votes 27ehi 5jgd5 59dt2 5bhg9 9fo91 29jia 1acdm 4ciea 4jfc8 06jq7
1331  3.3 mean  3.7   2.9   3.2   3.2   2.6   3.4   3.8   3.2   3.0   3.6


1331-01    (27ehi dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, I have journeyed through countless kingdoms with no
> answer to my question. Soon I must embark on a journey to a place of
> great learning, but first I wish to either accent in nethack.. or break
> my addiction. Tell me, is there a way to forget about the Amulet of
> Yendor so that I may go on with life as if it never was my goal? I've
> tried countless things. Potions of booze have only left me with
> illegitimate children, sleeping through spells, wands, and potions has
> only given me night terrors of the wizard, and although I may forget
> much after reading a scroll of amnesia, it seems to have only given me
> a desire to know maud better. Can anything cure me of this relentless
> desire?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, you've got it all backwards.  After all, this is NetHack
} we're talking about.  Now, here's what you do:
}
} Don't worry about breaking the addiction, just head off to the
} university.
}
} Once you're there, sign all of your work "@" (or 'x' if you're doing
} #conduct illiterate).
}
} Use a pick-axe to create shorter routes between your classes.
}
} Tell your prof.'s that if they ever need anything, they can just place
} a magic portal around subbasement 12.
}
} Go around campus killing everything in sight.  Occasionally, announce
} to anyone near by that you have gained a level.
}
} Don't forget to eat the corpses of what you kill, either.  Finding food
} on a college campus can be tough.
}
} Post a YANI on RGRN that the campus should get a cafeteria so you can
} stop killing students for food (though not of you're own species, of
} course.  Unless you're chaotic.)
}
} If you ever need to borrow a text book and the owner refuses (possibly
} because you're holding the corpse of a partially eaten student),
} complain that they won't need it for another 20,000 turns anyway.  Wait
} till said person is over water and then steal their ring of levitation.
} Then no one can use the book, and that's what selfish people deserve.
}
} Instead of doing your homework and studying, spend all night quaffing
} unidentified potions.  Call it research, and say that there's nothing
} you really don't want to drink, as long as it isn't cursed. (Helpful
} hint: you can convert the altar in the school chapel by sacrificing
} your grades on it).
}
} If you're ever low on cash, considering dealing your excess potions of
} hallucination and confusion.
}
} Hang around fountains, and #chat with anyone who appears.
}
} If the campus has a storage facility/steam pipes/what have you below
} it, go there: if it's sufficiently mazelike, consider forsaking the
} college and descending for the amulet.
}
} When exams come around, complain that your pen is out of charges and
} that you just used your last blessed scroll of charging last night at
} the bar, on your ring of adornment (it really DOES helps pick up
} beautiful women.  Another method is to find homely women and zap them
} with a wand of polymorph until they become a 'new human' with better
} stats).
}
} Eventually, if you follow these instructions carefully, you'll flunk
} out and quite possibly get arrested and wind up in an asylum.  And then
} you have plenty of time for NetHack.
}
} You owe the Oracle 500 zorkmids for this major consultation.
}
} P.S. This really is the only way.  Nothing's going to cure you of the
} desire; not even actually managing to get the blasted Amulet.


1331-02    (5jgd5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Superb Oracle, please tell me:
>
> What is the half-life of a cat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The half-life of a cat is the time it takes for half of a sample of cat
} to decompose. So... three weeks or so. But make sure it's dead first.
}
} You owe the Oracle an application to the IUPAC to name the next element
} 'felinium'.


1331-03    (59dt2 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is this legal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Certainly.  A little research will show you that this has been around
} long enough to be a fully mature word of legal age.  Why, this even has
} a respectable day job now in the C++ programming business.  So relax,
} this is perfectly legal.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Hammer remix titled "You CAN touch this" -
} but with different pants.


1331-04    (5bhg9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mistew Intehnet Orakle,
>
> My fwiends all say you don't exist, but I still bewieve in you. All I
> want to kno is how can I get my momy to get me a poney.
>
> thank yew,
> Virginia.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, Virginia, there is an Oracle.
}
} He exists just as certainly as love, and groveling, and the Staff of
} Zot exists, and readers of the Digests know that they abound.  Alas!
} How dreary life would be if there were no Oracle!  It would be as
} dreary as the weather in Virginia.  There would be no childlike faith
} then, no parodies of poetry, no answers to null questions to make
} tolerable this existence.  We should have no queue, except in lines
} at banks.  The external light of incarnations writing away at 2 A.M.
} which fills the world would be extinguished.
}
} Not believe in the Oracle!  You might as well not believe in MIMEs.
} You might get your papa to write the Oracle a thousand tellmes, but
} even if the Oracle didn't respond, what would that prove (besides the
} fact that people worldwide were struggling for something funny to say)?
} Nobody except Lisa, Zadoc, and a few cavemen see the Oracle, but that
} is no sign that there is no Oracle.  The most real things in this
} world are those that neither children nor men can see.  Did you ever
} see a woodchuck chuck wood?  Of course not, but that's no proof that
} they can't.  Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders waiting
} in the queue.
}
} No Oracle?  Thank Apollo he lives and lives forever.  A thousand
} years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now he will
} continue to enlighten the pointless questions of mankind.
}
} Merry August 12th and a happy Best of #1301-1325!
}
} (P.S. Your mommy hasn't bought you a pony because she doesn't have
} the time to wade through all those tags and figure out what it is
} you're asking for.  Once you get an email client that doesn't default
} to sending in text and HTML, she'll figure it out and buy you one.)
}
} You owe the Oracle some Christmas cheer.


1331-05    (9fo91 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who knows why the sun shines, the clouds roll, the seas
> rumble, and the stars twinkle...
>
> Got milk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, I've got some here in the....
} ...oh, the refrigerator is unplugged.
} Smells bad too.
}
} ....no, I have no milk.  I have
} some rather foul smelling cheese
} in a milk container.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Zadoc-spanker.


1331-06    (29jia dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, you hold the balances of all things,
>
> Which is greater: the number of people on the Earth, or the number of
> acronyms invented by them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, supplicant, I hold the balances of all things, and FYI, you're way
} OD.
}
} The number of people on Earth (NPE) is around 6.1 billion. Now, given
} there are 26 letters in the alphabet (LIA), there are about 8.4 billion
} possible combinations (PC) of up to seven letters, which should suffice
} for most acronyms. It'a easy to verify that most of these acronyms have
} not been used, so the number of acronyms created (NAC) is far exceeded
} by the NPE. QED. HTH.
}
} YOTO a BMW. TTFN.


1331-07    (1acdm dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle,
>
> if the third time has ever been the charm,
>
> what is a "power user?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If they're in New York right now, screwed.


1331-08    (4ciea dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All hail the Oracle, the Oracle has vocal modulation of a
> rock star, the expressive power of a movie star, and more
> power than a neutron star,
>
> Who can repair the humpback whale?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I heard the ding of the receptionist's bell and prepared for Mr.
} Back's visit. I had been anticipating his visit for many months.
} He was infamous in chiropractic circles for his convoluted spine that
} simply would not go straight.
} At last he had come to me, Dr. T. Oracle, the world's greatest
} chiropractor, for help. No one else had made his condition better, and
} some had made it worse. I was his last hope. I would not let him down.
} The grotesque figure of the Humpback of Notre Dame appeared in the
} doorway.  Helping him to lie down on the table, I began my standard
} questioning.  "This condition was, I believe, caused by the football
} accident some years back?" I queried, really only to keep his mind
} off the moment, since I already knew. He grunted an affirmative.
} "They had to amputate a fin, I think?"
} "Right. Prosthetic's not terrible, but it's just not the same," he
} sighed.
}
} I continued with the small talk whilst I prodded, poked, and squeezed
} his vertebrae. Eventually, I deemed him ready for the final operation.
} Placing two fingers on either end of his spine, I muttered, "rm
} /dev/spine; emerge spine".
}
} An involuntary shudder ran through his body. "All right," I said,
} smiling, "brand spanking new spine all ready to go." He sat up, amazed.
} "How could you repair me so quickly? The others just made it worse."
} I grimaced. "The others were running Windows ME."
} "Thank you so much. How can I ever repay you?"
} At last. The moment I'd been waiting for.
}
} "You owe the Oracle the head of Bill Gates."


1331-09    (4jfc8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Let S = supplicant and O = Oracle
> If [(Let G = grovel) is a subelement of S] then make S->G->O.
> If [(Let Z = zot) is a subelement of O] then make O->Z->S.
> Elsewise,
>   Make (Let Q = question) be a subelement of S and S->Q->O.
>   If [Z is now a subelement of O] then make O->Z->S.
>   Elsewise,
>     Let Q-prime = "What do we know about Q from this logic?"
>     Make S->Q-prime->O
>     While [(Let M = mail) is not a subelement of S] wait.
>     If [M has description funny] make S->(Let D = debt)->O

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If [(Let W = woodchuck) is a subelement of Q] then make O->Z->S
} Elsewise,
}   Make (Let A = answer) be a subelement of O and O->A->S
}   Let A-prime = "Q did not mention W and did not result in a Z."
}   Make O->A-prime->S
}   Make Q-prime and A-prime be subelements of M.
}   Make M be a subelement of S.
}   Make (Let D = one million dollars) be a subelement of S and S->D->O.


1331-10    (06jq7 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wonderful Oracle, Why does my PC hate me so much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your PC hates you for many reasons, let me just give you the most
} severe ones:
}
} a) Remember last winter? When they broke into that engineering
} company off Mill Road and he had to guard the building due to the
} broken door?  For *eight* hours? In freezing temperatures while the
} sleet was beating down? Because you forgot to call the joiners for
} an emergency repair of the door?
}
} b) Your comment "Some people just don't have any sense of duty."
} when he called in sick with flu the day after that was also not
} well received.
}
} c) When he tore his jacket while rescuing the little girl that had
} fallen into the canal, it was perhabs not a very bright idea to deduct
} the cost of the jacket from his wages.
}
} d) When on his birthday last year he invited all of you to a drink at
} his local pub, it was a bad idea for you to argue with the landlord
} about hygienic standards; it was even worse of you to alert the food
} and safty inspectors the next day.
}
} e) When his longstanding girlfriend left him, you should not have
} said "So what? With a face like hers, the next one can only be an
} improvement."
}
} f) And when someone's cat is run over, you don't do any "catsup" jokes.
}
} Please remember that Police Constables are human beings just like you.
} Even if you outrank them.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promotion for your unfortunate subordinate.


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