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Internet Oracularities #1332

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Internet Oracularities #1332    (54 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 22 Aug 2003 09:49:33 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1332
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1332  54 votes 47ieb 5al99 5kfc2 19mh5 28kg8 9bic4 37lk3 2in65 29fee 29jae
1332  3.2 mean  3.4   3.1   2.7   3.3   3.4   2.8   3.2   2.9   3.5   3.5


1332-01    (47ieb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did the chicken cross the road?  What have I got in my pocket?
> Why?  Where's Waldo?  How?  Do you have a match?  How's Lisa?  Would
> you like fries with that?  Can you give me directions to the museum?
> *ZOT*  Where did I put my keys?  Does Sally want to go out with me?
> How do I get Windows to work? "> "  How'd you like my grovel?  Do you
> love me?  When will Spike Lee make a nother movie?  Can I?  May I?
> What are Lisa's measurements?  Will I be a sta r?  What's Zadoc up to?
> Where?  Can you hear me now?  R U 3l33t l1k3 m3?  Wh at am I thinking
> right now?  Og like Or-a-kul.  What have I got in my pocket?  Howe chan
> ay lern to spel? Vfa'g EBG-13 pbby?  When?  Can you teach me to h ack?
> You've got spam!  How's the weather?  What?  Will Lisa go out with me?
> How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
>
> Oh mighty Oracle, as a gift, I, your supplicant, will ask none of
> the above questions, and hope that in your infinite wisdom, you will
> grant me an answer to the following querry, in gratitude for me not
> asking any of the other ab ove listed chestnuts.
>
> Um...I've forgotten what my question was. Oh well, in that case,
> can you just tell me...
>
> Why did the chicken cross the road?  What have I got in my pocket?
> Why?  Where's Waldo?  How?  Do you have a match?  How's Lisa?  Would
> you like fries with that?  Can you give me directions to the museum?
> *ZOT*  Where did I put my keys?  Does Sally want to go out with me?
> How do I get Windows to work? "> "  How'd you like my grovel?  Do you
> love me?  When will Spike Lee make a nother movie?  Can I?  May I?
> What are Lisa's measurements?  Will I be a sta r?  What's Zadoc up to?
> Where?  Can you hear me now?  R U 3l33t l1k3 m3?  Wh at am I thinking
> right now?  Og like Or-a-kul.  What have I got in my pocket?  Howe chan
> ay lern to spel? Vfa'g EBG-13 pbby?  When?  Can you teach me to h ack?
> You've got spam!  How's the weather?  What?  Will Lisa go out with me?
> How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, that's pathetic, really. Can't you damn fools write down your
} bloody questions beforehand? Alright then, I guess I'll have to deal
} with this rubbish instead.
}
} To get to the other side. My birthday present. Because you're a thief,
} you nassty Bagginss. He's there. You can't say that, you're
} perpetuating a Native American stereotype. Yes. Magnificent. No. It's
} over there. That's what *I* say. They're in the door. She'd rather date
} a woodchuck. Carry them. This answer intentionally left blank. I hated
} it. No. I don't care. Probably not. No. They're the numbers which
} describe various parts of her body. No. He's not up, he's down, if he
} knows what's good for him. In his room. No, I turned the volume down, I
} don't want to hear you. You're not 'elite', you're a juvenile half-wit
} with the literacy of a four-year-old. "> " Or-a-kul ZOT Og. You've
} still got my birthday present, you thief. With great difficulty. Ab.
} Now. Grab an axe and start swinging. Well, duh. Partly cloudy, with a
} high of 17C. That's 17 degrees Celsius, you ignoramus. She'd rather
} date a woodchuck.
}
} There, I hope you're happy. Wait, I missed one.
}
} <*ZOT!*>
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise never to ask any of these questions again.


1332-02    (5al99 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The supplicant has nothing to ask.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was a fancy restaurant and the food looked fantastic.  As time
} passed, however, it began to taste like bitter ashes in Orrie's mouth.
} He looked up shyly.  The supplicant was still sitting there, but they
} had both given up talking long ago.  The magic of the evening had
} passed, and they were both just eating as fast as possible so that the
} night might come to an end.  Orrie did feel a bit guilty about what he
} had said, but he firmly believed that he had ever right to say it, and
} he couldn't bring himself to apologize, even as he saw the supplicant
} sitting there, chewing glumly, using the salad fork on the main course
} and not even realizing it, pondering about what cats mean when they say
} "Meow," but getting no answer, not even trying to plagiarize another
} supplicant's question.  It was all so terrible.
}
} Although he would never have though of it previously, Orrie found his
} eyes wandering about the room, imaging the other diners as his
} supplicant, thinking of the questions that they would give him and the
} answers he would send back.  Couldn't he be happy with them?  No, he
} thought, he had to sit it out with this supplicant.  For now at least;
} tradition demanded as much.  "So," he began finally, "would you like to
} hear a review of the upcoming film 'My Big Fat Greek Divorce?'"
}
} The supplicant just shrugged, toying with the food on the plate.  Orrie
} frowned; that would have been a really funny answer too, he thought to
} himself.  He straightened himself, leaned back casually, and tried
} again: "have I ever showed you the congrats e-mail I got for making the
} digest?"
}
} The supplicant nodded tiredly, an affirmation only: not a request that
} Orrie show the e-mail again.  Darn, he thought, that e-mail usually
} makes all of the supplicants flock to me.  He considered starting
} again, with "The Top 10 Ways to Know your Waiter Spit in the Soup,"
} perhaps, but he decided against it.  What was wrong?  This one can't
} still be mad about what I said, right?  He had basically given up
} trying to make conversation at this point, and sat silently, watching
} time pass on the clock inside his head.
}
} Finally, in desperation, he shouted: "Okay!  You win!  I'm sorry I
} zotted you, but you know how that...that...that question makes me feel.
} Now will you stop giving me the cold shoulder?"  He looked around the
} room, saw that everyone was now staring at him, and began to cry.  It
} had been a long day, and the queue had finally gotten to him.  But they
} couldn't blame him, could they?  It was tough work being an
} incarnation.


1332-03    (5kfc2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What size hat does God wear?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} God's hat is so big, he couldn't wear it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a piece of wood so big, a woodchuck couldn't chuck
} it, even if he would.


1332-04    (19mh5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle,
>
> A few weeks ago, I checked some books out from the library, and it's
> been great: they're a fairly effective head thomper, they make me look
> smart when I carry them, and one of them is currently propping up the
> short leg of my coffee table.  But now, the library is saying that they
> want the books back.
>
> Why would they give me these books only to take them away again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The problem is that there are only a limited number of books in the
} world, yet authors continue to write stories. This has become quite a
} problem for the publishing industry, which up to now has been content
} with the collection of used books from buses, planes, and trains.
}
} Once your books have been collected at the library, they are
} transported via truck to a special processing vat where they are
} bleached white by a mixture of chlorine and bromine agents, then
} treated with anti-acidic chemicals to keep the paper fresh. Special
} high-power ion beams then imprint the newest best-seller on the pages
} and an industrial silk-screen device colors the cover.
}
} This would all be unnecessary if there were more paper to be had, but
} thanks to Monty Python's "Lumberjack" song the entire logging industry
} can no longer attract the virile young men needed to cut down more
} trees.
}
} You owe the Oracle a renewal.


1332-05    (28kg8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Oracle, long has this question vexed this humble
>  supplicant!
>
>    A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same
>  length on each side.  It weighs one third of a pound
>  per foot.  On one end hangs a monkey holding a banana,
>  and on the other end hangs a weight equal to the
>  weight of the monkey.  The banana weighs two ounces
>  per inch.  The rope is as long (in feet) as the age of
>  the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey
>  (in ounces) is the same as the monkey's mother.  The
>  combined age of the monkey and its mother is thirty
>  years.  One half the weight of the monkey, plus the
>  weight of the banana, is one fourth as much as the
>  weight of the weight and the weight of the rope.
>  The monkey's mother is half as old as the monkey will
>  be when it is three times as old as its mother was
>  when she half as old as the monkey will be when it is
>  as old as its mother will be when she is four times as
>  old as the monkey was when it was twice as its mother
>  was when she was one third as old as the monkey was
>  when it was as old as its mother was when she was
>  three times as old as the monkey was when it was one
>  fourth as old as it is now.  How long is the banana?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The length of a banana (when straightened) can be determined by a ratio
} of its mass (in grams) and how old it is (in day), due to the tendency
} of bananas to shrink into a mush as they age.
}
} Specifically, L = cM/A where c = 7/1823 centimeter-days/grams.
}
} Now, M is straightforward to calculate--first take the mass of the
} monkey at the spot where it is connected to the rope (hint: you can use
} air dynamics to project the monkeys mass onto a plane and thus
} calculate the moment easily). amd as I'm sure you've already
} calculated, you will find that it weights 138.2 kg (by the way, are you
} sure the ages you gave were correct--this is a fairly high weight for a
} monkey).  Now, since we have a weight equal to the monkey on the other
} side, these factors will cancel out (so it doesn't really matter than
} you messed up the ages; you got lucky this time, but watch it in the
} future).  Now we just need to calculate the length of the rope and oh
} my, this is getting ugly.  I wonder if there's a better track.  Aha!
}
} Okay, starting over.  We will work from the statement: "One half the
} weight of the monkey, plus the weight of the banana, is one fourth as
} much as the weight of the weight and the weight of the rope."
}
} 1/2M + B = 1/4W + R <=> M + 2B = 1/2W + 2R
}
} Now, since the monkey and the weight are equal, we have
}
} 1/2M + 2B = 2R, or solving for B, B = R - 1/4M.
}
} I'd show you the rest, but you chose a lousy set of units and it gets
} really ugly.
}
} But in the end, I reached the following conclusion:
} the rope frays on the fence and snaps, causing the monkey to fall into
} a pit and be killed.  The SPCA arrests the supplicant for such a cruel
} experiment.  Please verify this result yourself and get back to me.
}
} You owe the Oracle a monkey that weighs half as much as its mother did
} when its mother weighed half as much as the monkey will that you are
} delivering to the Oracle.


1332-06    (9bic4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Internet Oracle,
>
> We have had troubles as of yet in locating any Weapons of Mass
> Destruction (WMDs) in Iraq, and would like to ask for your aid.
>
> We would be interested in your attempts to find these WMDs, using any
> method you deem appropriate.
>
> Yours,
> the Pentagon
>
> P.S. This message will self-destruct in five seconds.  If questioned,
> the Pentagon will deny having sent it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's sure hot in Iraq,
} We had not time to play.
} We look for some weapons,
} no time for a delay.
}
} I sat down by Billy,
} who was holding a book.
} Inside there was a pretzel,
} as he cried, "Oh where to look.."
}
} The UN was getting upset,
} as the US troops looked,
} No sign of WMDs or Saddam;
} but we're otherwise hooked.
}
} So all we could do was to
} Look!
}     Look!
}         Look!
}             Look!
} And we did not like it.
} Not one little bit.
}
} BOOM!
} And then
} Something went BOOM!
} How that boom made us jump!
}
} We looked!
} Then we saw it high on the hill!
} We looked!
} And we saw it!
} The weapons we brought!
} And this tells us,
} "This war's been for naught."
}
} As payment, you must send the Oracle one third-world country in need of
} "liberation."


1332-07    (37lk3 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle,
>
> what celebrities have been abducted by aliens?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quite a few actually, and the sad thing is that due to the Stockholm
} syndrome most of them feel at home and don't try to escape anymore.
}
} Kal-El for example has been so smitten by these aliens that he took up
} a whole secret persona just so he could save as many of his abductors
} as he could. This when he could just as easily made his way back home.
} It appears that the aliens brainwashed him into believing Krypton
} was destroyed.
}
} Gordon Shumway was also fed the same line about Melmac being blown up
} but he didn't forget his roots completely, he might have been aided
} by the physiological differences between him and the aliens.
}
} Mork on the other hand kept his ties with Ork but seems reluctant
} to return, the reason for this is unclear but evidence hints at his
} being kept in check by promise of sexual favors for a certain female
} alien named Mindy.
}
} So you see these damn aliens seem bent on abducting people just to
} turn them into celebrities. It's as if the natural resources they
} have on the planet aren't enough.
}
} You owe the Oracle Denis Rodman's return ticket.


1332-08    (2in65 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle,
>
> I've noticed that the American culture seems to be getting faster:
> instant breakfast, instant coffee, and so on, and I was wondering when
> we can expect to see products such as instant minute eggs.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can get most things instantly today! Here are some things that
} can be obtained in less than one minute.
}
} First, to answer your question - Instant eggs - crack eggs and throw
} them into frying pan at high heat.
}
} Instant sponge cake - get a dried sponge. Add sugar and water
} and Voila! It can't be worse than that instant breakfast you had
} this morning.
}
} Instant family - go to an R-rated movie and find some underage kids
}
} Instant money - open your mailbox. Click on the message that says
} REAL WAY TO GET MONEY QUICK - THIS IS NOT A SCAM!!!!!! Quickly follow
} instructions.
}
} Instant pornography - go to said mailbox and click on innocent-looking
} messages from jessica.
}
} Instant furniture - hack down your walls with a chainsaw until they
} collapse into the desired shape
}
} You owe the Oracle an instant.


1332-09    (29fee dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, who knows what all men and women wants.
> Please tell me what I should give my mom for her 50:th birthday.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Birthday cake: 23 dollars.
} Candles: 6 dollars.
} A card: 5 dollars.
} An antique vase: 23,742 dollars.
}
} The look on your dad's face when he realizes that you borrowed his
} credit card: priceless.


1332-10    (29jae dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Wise Oracle,
>
>  Google is.  What else can I say?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An adjective.


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