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Internet Oracularities #1337

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Internet Oracularities #1337    (51 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 07 Oct 2003 14:46:26 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
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   1337
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1337  51 votes 2ana6 2clb5 28dm6 3fgf2 3cmb3 4aif4 25hi9 08gi9 28gl4 2djd4
1337  3.2 mean  3.2   3.1   3.4   3.0   3.0   3.1   3.5   3.5   3.3   3.1


1337-01    (2ana6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Wise Oracle,
>
>  Just how long is it between the time the congratulations are sent
> out until the digest is published?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer is a trivial one.  Let:
}    "the epoch" be defined as 1980-01-01T00:00:00Z
}    g = time of initial grovel, in microseconds since the epoch
}    c = time that congratulations are sent out, again in us since epoch
}    p = time that the digest is published, still microseconds since E.
}    a = age of supplicant (in millifortnights) when s/he lost virginity
}    r = energy density of the vacuum at the third Lagrange point of
}        the earth-moon system
}    g = the price of petrol at the station closest to the supplicant
}        at the time 22.7 hours after the next major oil tanker spill
}    i = sqrt(-1)
}    w = waist size of supplicant's pants (US units) when they got
}        their license to drive
}
} Then it is clear that if we set
}    x = ((c-g)**2 - (p-g)**2) / (a * (g*w)**3 )
} then sqrt(x) would represent the digest-pressure potential.
} Using a little known formula of Dirac, we can then see that:
}    z = (sin(a)+phi(r*(p-c))) / e**(i*p/r)
} would indicate the inflationary factor.  Consequently we will know:
}    w = E(x) / H(z)
} with E(x) here being the Cauchy function, and H(z) representing the
} Heaviside spectrum of z.  This finally gives the desired answer:
}
} Soon, but not yet.


1337-02    (2clb5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "The CD in the drive goes round and round..."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And never stops, and makes no sound.
} Then, at day, when geeks go to sleep
} The CD stops and leaves its keep.
} It sails through the air all silvery light
} and buries itself in the bedpost alright.
} The geek awakes and looks at the drive
} the 54speed that at last came alive.
} The laser is piercing, the geek in despair
} the cd is quite definitely beyond all repair.
} So he collapses in frustration and pain,
} Without his mp3s life's senseless, in vain.
} He crawls back into his bed then rather unhappy
} and fondly thinks back to the 3"5 floppy.
}
} You owe the Oracle an 8" floppy drive for his notebook.


1337-03    (28dm6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> No, I'm not raising my hand.  I was just stretching.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Top Ten Funny Things to Say while Being
}    Stretched to Death on The Rack
}
} 10. No, I'm not raising my hand.  I was just stretching.
}
} 09. NBA, here I come!
}
} 08. And to think I thought chiropractors were all
}     a bunch of frauds
}
} 07. %/ One pill makes you larger, the other
}        one makes you small. . . /%
}
} 05. Look! I'm a giraffe! Next imitation, Boa
}     Constrictor.
}
} 04. You know Abe Lincoln once said a man's legs were
}     long enough if they reached the ground.
}
} 03. STRRRRRReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech Armstrong!!!!
}
} 02. Gandalf, I feel spread too thin. Like butter
}     on toast.
}
} 01. Does this mean I'll have a longer bed waiting
}     for me in my cell when I go back?


1337-04    (3fgf2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle most munificent and discerning, please rescue this person
> of no account from hapless confusion.
>
> I keep reading in the news about Weeki Wachee Springs, the only
> mermaid habitat in the U.S.  First they were closing, now they're not,
> etc.  That's not the point.  The point is, I have grave doubts about
> the legality of that operation.
>
> Physically, a mermaid is half woman, half fish, but what is her legal
> status?  If she's a person, then it's illegal to keep her penned up in
> what is effectively an underwater sweatshop.  But if she's a fish,
> then she's an endangered species and it's illegal to endanger them
> further.  They need to start a captive breeding program.  With mermen.
> Which they don't have.
>
> However you slice it, something smells funny at Weeki Wachee.  So I
> ask you, seriously, what is the right thing to do with a school -- er,
> society -- whatever -- an inland infestation of mermaids?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, Supplicant,
}
} it is a common misconception to think of Weeki Wachee Springs as a
} sweatshop, or zoo.
} Weeki Wachee Springs, the "Mermaid Refuge" as it is known in those
} circles, was founded 56 years ago not by men exploiting mermaids but by
} men _under the spell of mermaids_. This might sound as just a trivial
} difference but the ramifications are huge. Believe me.
} Not that the Oracle has ever been under the spell of mermaids, of
} course. Dear me, no! I'm far too omniscient to fall for _any_ scheme,
} even if it works on the more basic instincts. Apart from that, Lisa is
} an active member of the "clubbing mermaids for fun and profit"
} movement, so they never last very long around here anyway (that's with
} the exception of the trophy room, where they last _very_ long indeed).
} To get back to your question: yes, mermaid are an endangered species.
} But that's not why they founded Weeki Wachee Springs. Due to the
} abscence of mermen they have been an endangered species for so long
} that they don't get overly excited about it.
} No, they founded the Refuge Of Weeki Wachee Springs to get away from
} all those pot-bellied, zero-performing and un-gilled men that went
} after them every time they showed up near a popular beach.
} Honestly, I don't blame them. The prey they were after, those
} Hasslehoffesque bay watchers, stayed firmly put on the beach until one
} of the swimmers got into danger. So they lured innocent swimmers into
} their lair. Only to find out that they don't have gills so that any sex
} had to be rather straightforward, not to say very fast. And that the
} bay watchers, when they came to collect the bodies, didn't stay.
} So they decided to work the other way round. They found some men
} willing to act at their bidding and started to leave the deep blue seas
} in order to settle in a controlled habitat. To you it might look as if
} they would be performing a choreographed ballet based on the idea of a
} man who will only make it to Broadway if he takes a bus. In reality
} it's one of the many mating dances of the mermaids. Uncounted are the
} numbers of tourists who have fallen to this evil trick of theirs, only
} to stay in Weeki Wachee Springs as personel, or lovers, or both.
} To answer your question as what to do with a school - and yes, let's
} call it a school, since that's what it is (you could also call them a
} platoon - though since they are not part of a larger campaign, the term
} would be technically incorrect) - of mermaids gone berserk, well, it
} depends on your point of view. The Oracle of course has no problem with
} them.
} If you're one of those puritans with a weird idea of sexuality you
} would probably like to nuke them. Don't try. They survived for eons
} without any males around, so they probably are not prone to death.
} If you're female and your better half has fallen for them: oh come on -
} what do you want a guy _that stupid_ for anyway?
} If you're male and they rejected you: if you really don't see that
} you've been very, very lucky indeed, see your therapist.
} If you're male and currently under water, in the midst of really wild
} sex: develope gills. Fast.
}
} You owe the Oracle a weekend in Weeki Wachee Springs. Not for himself.
} For Lisa.


1337-05    (3cmb3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  I'm so glad that the Archemedean Property is true in R, aren't you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In R? Arrh!, Arrh-chimedes' Prroperrty.
} When a body be placed in fluid, it be subject to an upwarrd forrce,
} equal in magnitude to the weight of the fluid it be displacing.
} Yarrh, that be trrue, matey.
}
} Ye be owin' the Orracle a bathtub, me hearrty.


1337-06    (4aif4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_0016_01C386F3.F2D005C0
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1"
>
> why I must have hairy nipples? they are so minging and none of the
> girls like them.
>
> ta Ben
> ------=_NextPart_000_0016_01C386F3.F2D005C0
> Content-Type: text/html; charset="iso-8859-1"
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
>
> <HTML><BODY bgColor=3D#ffffff>
> <P>why I must have hairy nipples? they are so minging and none of the
> girls like them.</P>
> <P>ta Ben</P></BODY></HTML>
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_0016_01C386F3.F2D005C0--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, yes.  Hairy nipples are a side effect of the curse I automatically
} place on people who persist in sending me mail with (1) all that HTML
} nonsense, and (2) no grovel.  Sorry about all that.  Well, actually no,
} I'm not really sorry.  But cheer up, all is not lost!  Keep up with
} your HTML research.  It won't get you any girls, obviously, but you'd
} be surprised what you can do with that <BODY> tag and a little
} ingenuity.
}
} You owe the Oracle a comb.  Or braids.  Or something.  Geez, man.


1337-07    (25hi9 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!! Want Cookie!!!!!!!!!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} New to the web, eh?
}
} Don't worry.  The desire for cookies will pass.  Very quickly.


1337-08    (08gi9 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great and Abstemeous Oracle, your omniscience shines like the
> burning desert, with each particle of knowledge like a grain
> of sand.  What a job it must be trying to find anything in
> there!
>
> How exactly does your omniscience work?  You've got to know,
> literally, the position and momentum of every atom, electron,
> other particle in the Universe.  That leaves nothing left over
> as a storage medium.  How the heck do you do it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mostly I use the mysterious spaces in the backs of storage closets
} where even the bravest of janitors dare not go for main storage.
} Register storage is maintained in the millions of "junk drawers" in
} kitchens worldwide; this is why their contents are always mysteriously
} changing. Named variables are stored as socks, wire coat hangers,
} miscellaneous nuts and bolts, etc. Their location is unimportant, but
} they are often moved into registers for short periods. Unnamed
} variables may be stored in named variable storage, but more frequently
} are held in the pockets of six-year-old boys.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better random number generator than pocket lint.


1337-09    (28gl4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, am I depressed, or just sad?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Are you Depressed or Just Sad?
}         ------------------------------
}
} 1) What color is the sky?
}    a) grey
}    b) blue
}    c) I don't care
}
} 2) What is your opinion about suicide?
}    a) thanks, but I'd rather not
}    b) why would anyone do a thing like that?
}    c) everyone should try it once
}
} 3) If I gave you a dollar to buy some ice cream with, you would:
}    a) take it, buy some ice cream, and try to cheer up
}    b) decline it, and buy some ice cream with your own money
}    c) wonder what the point was
}
} 4) If told to get to get some exercise, you would:
}    a) press weights at the gym
}    b) take a walk through a spring meadow
}    c) sit at home and mope
}
} 5) Which of these best describes your current facial expression?
}    a) Weeping
}    b) Laughing
}    c) Deadpan
}
} 6) Can you describe a reason for your current mood?
}    a) Death (of pet, love, other).
}    b) Life (raising tone).
}    c) Life (falling tone).
}
} 7) A friend takes you out to see a comedy.  You:
}    a) fell a little better
}    b) enjoy it thoroughly
}    c) hardly notice
}
} 8) Two monkeys fall in a vat of jello.  You:
}    a) try to find a way to help them get out
}    b) sit back and enjoy the show
}    c) walk away and hope they drown
}
} Scoring:  Score 3 points for every "a" answer, 0 points for
} every "b", and 10 points for every "c".  If your score is:
}    0 to  5: You're manic
}    6 to 14: You're happy
}   15 to 60: You're sad
}   61 to 80: You're depressed
}
} You owe the Oracle a smile.


1337-10    (2djd4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "T. Gies" <tgies@cox.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If the Oracle were any more resplendant, we would be struck
> dumb and would be unable to ask our questions, and what a
> shame that would be for all concerned!
>
> Why does my wife insist that it is my turn to take out the garbage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Struth, for my Oracular resplendancy is truly
} infinite, but all are spared shame and lament by this
} saving grace;  Even those dumbstruck can usually peck
} out a question on their keyboard if given enough time.
}  Case in point...
}
} > Why does my wife insist that it is my turn to take
} > out the garbage?
}
} It is a combination of genetics and society my lad, as
} is everything.   You know, the whole nature/nurture,
} yin/yang tastes great/less filling dichotomy.
}
} Consider the undeniable fact that it always is, was,
} and will be your turn to take out the garbage.  Once
} you can wrap your meager man-brain around that gem, it
} is easy to deduce that it is your turn in any given
} situation.  Just as it is always your turn to get out
} of a warm bed to investigate that mysterious noise in
} the middle of the night, and your turn to clean the
} gutters each spring and fall.
}
} That water shall flow downhill, and the sun shall rise
} in the East, these are fickle and uncertain in the
} face of the inevitibility that it is your turn.  Deal
} with it!


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