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Internet Oracularities #1338

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1338, 1338-01, 1338-02, 1338-03, 1338-04, 1338-05, 1338-06, 1338-07, 1338-08, 1338-09, 1338-10


Internet Oracularities #1338    (52 votes, 3.4 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 15 Oct 2003 11:34:49 -0500 (EST)

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participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1338
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1338  52 votes 2clc5 3adj7 15elb 15ahj 2bdga 1ct82 04bgl 369ig 6fh77 baf79
1338  3.4 mean  3.1   3.3   3.7   3.9   3.4   3.0   4.0   3.7   2.9   2.9


1338-01    (2clc5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most full of greatness,
>
> Recently I have seen w**dch*cks climbing trees in my backyard.  Being
> so fat, they looked like they were going to fall off, but they did not.
> I have never heard of such a thing before.  Tell me, O wise one, have
> w**dch*cks always climbed trees, or is the beginning of a new race of
> w**dch*cks which will annoy you even more?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rockaby, woodchuck, in the treetop,
} When the wind blows, the woodchuck will drop.
} When the bough breaks, the branches will fall,
} And crush the poor woodchuck,
} Who can't chuck them at all.


1338-02    (3adj7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear wonderful Oracle,
>
> from one of your last answers I owe you to remind you of why you
> decided to become an electrician.
>
> Have you forgotten the fun? The fantastic lightshows you get when high
> voltage arches through ionized Air? The "Wham!", "Wham!", "Wham!" when
> the circuit breakers react? The betting-rounds on how much bits of
> aluminum-chocolate-wrapper you need to fix a 16-Amps fuse? The little
> droplets of molten metal you get when you short-circuit two
> large-diameter cables? You could interpret these and tell the future
> from them...
> Or the fun you can have with customers -  telling them that nightlights
> are dangerous for their children because that phosphorous glow is
> highly radioactive? Or billing them 4 hours for "searching the packet
> that dropped out of the token-ring network"? The faces of managers if
> you walk around their building telling them of all the breaches of
> safety-at-work-standards you are finding *in this room alone*?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wow, supplicant, I'm... floored.  Speechless.  Flabbergasted.
}
} In all the years, I don't think any supplicant has ever actually taken
} the "payment" seriously and followed up on it.  I don't know what to
} say... I'm touched, really!
}
} Oh yeah, the electrician stuff.  That doesn't really matter... I don't
} have to "become" anything, really, I can just be an electrician if I
} want to.  I am omnipotent, remember.  And you don't really think I
} could maintain the Staff of *Zot* in working order without a fairly
} extensive knowledge of electricity, do you?
}
} You owe the Oracle $25,000.  Let me give you my paypal account number.


1338-03    (15elb dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am a rock, I am an island.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, you can't be both. This quiz will help
} you decide with a mere, five quick questions.
}
} * Are you surrounded by water?
}
} 1) Yes
} 2) No
} 3) I don't know
} 4) I am filled with blood which is kind of
}    like salt water if you think about it.
}
} * Can you be heaved by an able bodied human?
}
} 1) No way!
} 2) Yes
} 3) Heaved?
} 4) I heave after drinking too much.
}
} * Can you smash a pair of scissors, and yet
}   be smothered by a sheet of paper?
}
} 1) No
} 2) Why yes, I can be.
} 3) Huh?
} 4) I'm not allowed to use scissors
}
} * Could Marines storm you in an amphibious
}   assault?
}
} 1) Yes, but I'd rather they didn't.
} 2) Well yeah, but it'd be over kill.
} 3) Amphibious?
} 4) Ohh, that'd be naughty! But what the hey,
}    bring them on!
}
} * What do you think of "Gilligan's Island"?
}
} 1) Yeech!
} 2) Mary-Ann was hot!
} 3) A high water mark in TV history!
} 4) Ever notice the weird Vatican symbolism
}    interweaved into each episode?
}   =======================================
}
} If you answer four or more "1"s then it is a
} good bet you are an island, rocky perhaps, but
} still an island.
}
} If you answer four or more "2"s then rest
} assured that you are a mere rock. No, being in
} a puddle doesn't make you an island.
}
} If you answer four or more "3"s then you aren't
} really a rock, just dumb as a rock. Fret not,
} you have lots of company out there in the world.
}
} If you answer four or more "4"s then you should
} be left on an island for the good of mankind.
}
} If you didn't answer four or more of any given
} number, then you're a normal enough human. Since
} the supplicant was a rock and can't pay a tribute
} it falls to you to pay up; You owe the Oracle a
} coconut, a sheet of paper, and a cattle prod.


1338-04    (15ahj dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and supreme Oracle, whose knowledge of l33+sp33k exceeds that
> of every lam3r in the known and unknown universe, please answer this
> humble supplicant's question.
>
> With digest #1337 coming soon, how many l33t jokes will we be liable to
> see in the oracularities selected?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} DUDE! Look, this is the working rough of 1337! I hacked
} into the Oracle data-base & ripped it! DUDE! ENJOY!
}
} } ------------------------------
} } Date: Fri, 10 Oct 03 17:19:32 -0500
} } From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1337-01
} }
} } Selected-By: "Perl Kelly" <hash@mindsprang.com>
} }
} } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} } Your question was:
} }
} } > DUDE!
} } >
} } > I g0T R00t!!
} }
} } And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} }
} } } Like I carrot.
} }
} } ------------------------------
} } Date: Fri, 10 Oct 03 17:19:33 -0500
} } From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1337-02
} }
} } Selected-By: EOF <eof@127.0.0.1>
} }
} } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} } Your question was:
} }
} } > I 60t y3R p355w0rD! Byt3 M3!
} }
} } And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} }
} } } That's where it is! I've had to play Monopoly all
} } } week. Thanks for locating it.
} } }
} } } You owe the Oracle a nasty overbyte.
} }
} } ------------------------------
} } Date: Fri, 13 Jan 02 17:19:34 -0500
} } From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1337-03
} }
} } Selected-By: "Chewed Hair" <antibarber@messyhead.net>
} }
} } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} } Your question was:
} }
} } > W153 0r4c13, U r0CK!
} } > D0 U H4t3 C4Mp3rz 2?
} }
} } And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} }
} } } I never even saw the first "Campers", I'm not
} } } really into current films much.
} } }
} } } You owe the Oracle an advance copy of Half-Life 2.
} }
} } ------------------------------
} } Date: Fri, 10 Oct 03 17:19:34 -0500
} } From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1337-04
} }
} } Selected-By: AX0R <ax0r@ax0r.org>
} }
} } > Oh, you need more disk space? User name?
} } > <clickety-click>
} }
} } And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} }
} } } All your cliches belong to us.
} }
} } ------------------------------
} } Date: Fri, 10 Oct 03 17:19:35 -0500
} } From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1337-05
} }
} } Selected-By: "PR315T" <pr315t_432@aol.com
} }
} } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} } Your question was:
} }
} } > H0W muCh w00D c0u1D a L33t H4X0R. . .
} }
} } And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} }
} } } Last thing anyone that calls themselves a H4X0R
} } } has to worry about is their wood getting out of
} } } hand... if you know what I mean.
} }
} } ------------------------------
} } Date: Fri, 10 Oct 03 17:19:36 -0500
} } From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1337-06
} }
} } Selected-By: N0l4n <n014n@home.net>
} }
} } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} } Your question was:
} }
} } > /dev/null
} }
} } And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} }
} } } And another bit bytes the bus . . .
} }
} } ------------------------------
} } Date: Fri, 10 Oct 03 17:19:37 -0500
} } From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1337-07
} }
} } de-selected-by: 404 <ERROR>
} }
} } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} } Your question was:
} }
} } > Wh3r3 c4N 1 F1ND Pr0N?
} }
} } And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} }
} } } 127.0.0.1
} }
} } ------------------------------
} } Date: Fri, 10 Oct 03 17:19:38 -0500
} } From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1337-08
} }
} } Selected-By: "AOL_BABE" <AOL_BABE_1372@aol.com>
} }
} } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} } Your question was:
} }
} } > So this hacker walks into a bar. . .
} }
} } And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} }
} } } 4ND s3Z "I OWNZ U!"
} }
} } ------------------------------
} } Date: Fri, 10 Oct 03 17:19:48 -0500
} } From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1337-09
} }
} } Selected-By: "AOL_BABE" <AOL_BABE_1372@aol.com>
} }
} } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} } Your question was:
} }
} } > Hey, look at this cool screen saver in this
} } > attachment!
} }
} } And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} }
} } } NO CARRIER. . .


1338-05    (2bdga dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Why do you say the things you say?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why do you say the things you say?
} Did you fall out the wrong side of bed today?
} Or look at your hair and find one turned grey?
} Oh, why do you say the things that you say?
}
} Why do you do the things that you do?
} Like holding you breath until you turn blue.
} Did somebody put a rock in your shoe?
} Oh, why do you do the things that you do?
}
} Why do you eat the things that you eat?
} Onions and garlic and fuzzy green meat.
} Your breath always smells like dirty, wet feet.
} Oh, why do you eat the things that you eat?
}
} Why do you wear the things that you wear?
} With your gut sticking out, all covered with hair.
} Just who do you think will find you quite fair?
} Oh, why do you wear the things that you wear.
}
} Why do I rhyme the things that I rhyme?
} Like lime and slime and grime and mime.
} Have I nothing better to do with my time?
} Oh, why do I rhyme the things that I rhyme?


1338-06    (1ct82 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are the tree's turning to fall colours if the temperature hasn't
> changed since the beginning of September?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Think about it! It'd look really, really weird if the
} trees were parading around between Halloween and
} Thanksgiving in pastel summer dresses and light weight
} white linen suits no matter how warm it might be. Come
} Fall, more somber attire is simply a must if you don't
} want to look sadly out of step.
}
} You owe the Oracle the name of Treebeard's tailor.


1338-07    (04bgl dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle,
>
> What's up with those new mice that have the lasers in them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Los Angeles, CA (TIO-News) Embattled citizens of Los
} Angeles are in their fifth day of heavy fighting against
} the hordes of laser armed mice that have brought Western
} Civilization to its knees over the last two months.
}
} "It's awful, the damn things are so small and so fast,"
} said Audrey Horne, 22, one of the many now one eyed
} citizens of Los Angeles, "no sooner do you get a bead
} on one of the little peckers and ZAP-ZAP-ZAP ten more
} of them pop out of the woodwork and try and fry your
} eyes right outta yer head with those damn little lasers
} of theirs!"
}
} Los Angelenos knew their city was marked for the next
} onslaught when the now tell-tale signs of a planned
} laser mice attack showed up. "My little Fluffy stumbled
} into the house, all her fur singed off and 'Death to
} the Human Overlords' etched on to her skin," said Leo
} Johnson, age 32. "And then almost over night the city
} was out of cheese. We knew we were next."


1338-08    (369ig dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The long march has ended, I am where I want to be. I am
> before the Wise Oracle, I bow low and speak my mind,
>
> Can education in California get any worse?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Children, this is your new English teacher, Mr. Schwarzenegger."


1338-09    (6fh77 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "T. Gies" <tgies@cox.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how do impov my spelin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} u need reliz dat publik ejakashun ov today not care about spelin
} care bout havin gud self estem and biin gud cityzen an not askin
} tu mani kwestionz


1338-10    (baf79 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "T. Gies" <tgies@cox.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh great one, i have a very serious problem. i am living in colombia
> and i have 2 children in canada. i have been separated from them
> because of some bad circumstances that were out of my and thier
> control. i know they use the internet and have addresses but i dont
> know what they are. could you please help me and tell me how to find
> my babies. thankyou, shelagh.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh great, now parrots have `Net access.


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