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Internet Oracularities #1339

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Internet Oracularities #1339    (47 votes, 3.4 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 18 Oct 2003 10:32:11 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1339
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1339  47 votes 1fl73 8abg2 17dh9 19gg5 05jg7 03bna 05if9 18nb4 28ch8 09ld4
1339  3.4 mean  2.9   2.9   3.6   3.3   3.5   3.9   3.6   3.2   3.4   3.3


1339-01    (1fl73 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear wonderful Oracle whom I consult far more often than wikipedia,
>
> There is plonk. There is XXXX. Please tell me about the other great
> cultural achievements of Australia.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Australia's greatest cultural achievement is become the very
} incarnation of a fad.  This has been going on since its inception, and
} Australia has been, not merely produced, but been, one fad after
} another.  Once the English decided to send all unsavory criminals to
} Australia, everyone established little penal islands, for no apparent
} reason, and stopped almost as suddenly.  Once Australia discovered
} alternate uses for sheep, everyone started doing it, a practice now
} limited to those places where popular culture never fully penetrates,
} like Scotland, New Zealand, and West Virginia.  Crocodile Dundee came
} and went.  Then came and went. Then came and went again.  Yahoo
} Serious, Koala bears, and countless others have charmed foreigners,
} only to be discarded just as quickly. Soon, Vanity Fair will run an
} article on America's on-again, off-again romance with Australia; that,
} too, will be forgotten.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pet dingo before everyone wants one.


1339-02    (8abg2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle,
>
> Why do I get more points for making a contract in spades than a
> contract in clubs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, you need the concept of turnips.  In the game of submaroon
} one of the suits can be designated as turnip.  It loses, regardless
} of the number of them you hold, when it adds to more than the full
} moon.  If the moon contracts, however, (and that's why the game is
} sometimes called contract submaroon or contract moon for short),
} then each of the five suits must be evaluated in turn, by yelling
} and shouting.  The ranking of the suits, normally spades, hearts,
} pitchforks, diamonds and clubs, can be altered in several ways,
} none of them obvious to the neophyte.  On the other hand, if spades
} or pitchforks are the turnip suit, it pays to dig into your pocket
} for that extra card you have hidden for special occasions.  The
} sudden appearance of the ace of spades or the seventeen of pitchforks
} can spell the difference between a slow and boring game, and a
} fast and rowdy one.


1339-03    (17dh9 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "T. Gies" <tgies@cox.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle,
>
> I just saw the Truman Show, and it's got me thinking about my own life.
>
> Basically, what I'm wondering is, am I really the governor of
> California but don't know it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Give it up Gray. You lost by a landslide.


1339-04    (19gg5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The world's museums hold but a wee fraction of a percentage of
> the things the Oracle knows about, The Oracle is capable of
> thinking more consequential thoughts in a second than a crowd
> of human scientists could conceived in two lifetimes,
>
> Why has the room next door slowly filled with junk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What?  Huh?  Well, I'll be!  Where did all this come from?  A bust of
} President Garfield?  A 1435 Hz oscillator?  A Russian "space" pencil?
} People have started sending in their tribute!  I'm flabbergasted.
}
} You owe the Oracle a French Maid.


1339-05    (05jg7 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "T. Gies" <tgies@cox.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh glorious oracle whose munificence and magnamity surpass human
> understanding, I beseech you to tell me:
>
> Why is the earth flat? You would have thought that the great creating
> cyberbeing would know that a sphere is a more geometrically efficient
> object than a cube.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If the world were spherical, maps would either have to have latitude
} and longitude lines meet at odd angles, or to overemphasize the area of
} countries such as Greenland.
}
} The first option would have been disasterous for sailors.  The second
} would have ticked off Africa.
}
} Besides, a perfectly spherical planet would have turned oblong due to
} the effects of gravity anyway.
}
} And that's why the Earth is flat.
}
} You owe the Oracle an accurate globe.


1339-06    (03bna dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can I get a new mast for my boat,
> without getting shafted?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ho, ho.
}
} The Oracle, like everyone else, gets "those" emails.
}
} Subject: GET A HUG3 MA$T FA$T!!!!
} Subject: Want a Schooner that'll make her a swooner
}          sooner?
} Subject: A VAST MAST "MATIES" AWAIT U!!!
} Subject: Discreet Riggings, Vertical Spars R US
} Subject: FRIGATE PHOTOS! GIB JOB PICS! 838jjd2j
} Subject: Wanta Mast You Can hang a Crow's NEst
}          ON? --click here-
} Subject: Walk ME PLANK Northerner! A Mast for
}          a Yank!
} Subect: Yar hAR! You'll POP a Vessel, OAR YER
}         $$ BACK! Huge MAST GUARENTTED!
}
} Pirate Porn, it's everywhere. . .
}
} You owe the Oracle some dessert and an isle.


1339-07    (05if9 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most fluffy of pillow and warm of blankie...
>
> I couldn't sleep last night. Is it true there's no rest for the wicked?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, as a candle such as yourself, I'm sure you've seen first hand
} the horrors of the studious scholar.
}
} Indeed, being omniscient, the Oracle can imagine the pain that you
} suffer when lit on fire and forced to stand still amid a downpour of
} melted wax.  Unfortunate as it is, these cruel studiers hardly even
} think about the feelings of their enlightening companions, leaving
} you aflame all through the night.
}
} But fear not, brave candle, for you shall not be wicked forever,
} and eventually you will melt down, and then you shall be able to take
} your deserved rest in a landfill.
}
} You owe the Oracle admission to a wax museum.


1339-08    (18nb4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle of deepest blue and shimmering green highlights...
>
> Orrie, I'm very sad today. How do you suggest I cheer myself up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      :) :) Ten Ways to Cheer Yourself UP :) :)
}
} 10. Pretend you're someone else. Enough of being
}     a loser already, be someone that people would
}     care if they lived or died.
}
} 09. Buy yourself a huge diamond or a jet. Nothing
}     like a gift to show yourself how valuable you
}     are. While useless others have to make do with
}     anything less, YOU will have a gift worthy of
}     someone worthwhile!
}
} 08. Have lunch with a world famous celebrity! Hang
}     out with Liv Tyler, go bowling with Colonel Briggs,
}     see a film with Mustaf Glandor. Then laugh at the
}     dumb as dirt proles that don't even know who those
}     people are, yet alone know them well enough to be
}     with them!
}
} 07. Run 25 miles each morning. The exercise is secondary
}     to the warm glow you'll feel knowing that there are
}     literally TONS of dullards out there that can't run
}     up a flight of steps without wheezing, but not you,
}     YOU ARE SOMEONE SPECIAL!
}
} 06. Write a best selling novel. Don't hide all that talent
}     under a bushel basket. Besides it's fun going on
}     Letterman.
}
} 05. Take a couple of years off to study mediation in
}     Tibet, or surf Maui, or hike across the Sahara.
}     Let the wage slaves work, YOU deserve time spent
}     doing things exciting and grand.
}
} 04. Develop a cancer cure. Saving others from a life
}     of pain will give you a warm fuzzy glow.
}
} 03. Win a Nobel Prize.
}
} 02. Explore Mars.
}
} 01. Sit around the house stuffing food in your face
}     feeling sorry for yourself.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bag of potato chips.


1339-09    (28ch8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is president of China?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes he is.
}
} What you owe the Oracle is on second.


1339-10    (09ld4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most Wise,
>
> Is it true that holding my breath for ten minutes will make me turn
> purple?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, no, no. The best you can do is turn red, then blue, and that does
} not take anywhere near ten minutes. Then your body relaxes, no matter
} how hard you try, and when your eyes open you are pink again. Colorful,
} but not what you were looking for.
}
} You would only turn purple if somebody else held your breath, long
} after you turned blue. That is Not A Good Thing. I do not recommend it
} for most people.
}
} You should stay away from the carbon monoxide thing, too. Turns out the
} resulting pretty red color does not happen until it is far too late for
} you to see it.
}
} Body paints work at least as well and are more fun. Yes I know, as
} performance art it has been done, but that is the point: you get to do
} it again and again. You might even get good at it.
}
} You owe The Oracle some body paints, and a few good canvases.


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